Age 40 - Addicted to porn for 25 years: 50 day mark

Printer-friendly version

Today, my NoFap badge reads 50 days. The longest I’ve gone without porn or fapping EVER in my life.

The fact that I have made it this far is definitive proof for me that ANYONE can quit.

It has been a long journey to get to this point. I'm 40 yrs old. Addicted to porn for 25 years. My life has been one endless series of disappointments and missed opportunities.

I've been trying to quit PMO and get my life on track for 2 years.

After 2 years of never-ending relapsing, failed attempts, and restarts, getting to 50 days seemed like an impossibility for me.

When I found /r/nofap and saw people who had reached 90 days...120 days...365 days...it seemed like science fiction.

I never saw myself as one of these amazing fapstronauts who somehow accomplished the impossible.

I always assumed these guys (and girls) had less severe addictions. That they have been fapping for a lot less years than me. That they are made of some stronger metal than me and have will power I just don’t have.

Well, I have proved myself wrong. And I am so happy!

All the “failures” actually helped me realize in detail what a relapse feels like. Hint, a relapse actually starts days before an actual relapse. Recognizing my triggers and seeing the patterns of what events, sights, thoughts lead to relapsing and mercenary, stone cold vigilance to never go near these things is what has allowed me to get this far.

That and knowing that if I don’t quit now and get my life together...it will be too late. There really was a sense that, “okay, HIQP, you’ve fucked around enough...IT’S TIME”.

I know 50 days is not even the overture before my NoFap starts to become a prelude -- My healing will take many many months and I plan to ride it out.

BUT, I just wanted to post and let you all know that IT IS POSSIBLE to step away from porn and fapping. Freedom is possible!

So, about Freedom. I have only begun to absorb what it actually feels like. Here is a start:

Freedom from Shame

There is nothing, anywhere on my computer, or on any hard drives that would embarrass me if discovered. I can look anyone in the eye knowing I have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed about. (NOTE: I don’t always make eye contact but it’s getting better everyday)

Freedom from Worry

I call this the LIGHTNESS. Though I wouldn’t call myself carefree now...there is a lightness about my life and a buoyancy about my future that I have NEVER felt before. It is hope, optimism, positive expectancy, and pride in myself all combined to make me feel that I have great things ahead in my life!

Freedom from Depression

As someone who has struggled with diagnosed depression since my teens (YES, I see an undeniable connection to porn and fapping), I can say that I am starting to experience a better self-image, have been processing life troubles much better, and don’t let stress make me hostile or hopeless like before. In other words, I’m a lot less depressed. I’m also doing daily affirmations and meditation and this is helping alot.

Freedom from Nervousness

I never considered myself as someone with Social Anxiety, but I would worry about everything and everything would get on my nerves. EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY. Loud people, loud noises, loud places, bright lights, sudden, startling movements even. Rude people, stupid people, fat people. There was no end of things that would just get on my nerves!

Now I am noticing my nerves are able to take what I would previously consider over-stimulation and annoyance and I don’t react life before. There is less agitation and unrest in my gut about social situations, other people, deadlines, looming responsibilities.

Freedom from Want

Let’s call it “Indifference To Women”. Not in a spiteful way, (though that still happens)...I just don’t care anymore.

It used to be a white-knuckle war of will to look away when I spotted a girl with a great figure or a cute face -- online or in person. Now, I just look away because I know it is just my brain throwing itself at the chance for a dopamine hit.

Will I enjoy the sight of a pretty girl again some day? Sure. Will I enjoy the visual delight of a great ass again some day? Maybe. But the important thing is...it doesn’t matter.

This indifference is one of my favorite new freedoms! Imagine going through life where nothing phases you sexually. No real life cleavage, no super symmetrical faced model at a party, no beautiful dream girl. Nothing throws me off from my...sangfroid.

I can be present and process life as it happens with a calm, self determined non-attachment. I love it. If this is flatlining...sign me up for life.

For the record, someday I do imagine I will want to be with a girl again. But after what I’ve been through with porn, fapping, failed relationships, heartbreak, ED, PE...I really just want a long long long break from all of it.

So I am doing this “hard mode” and it’s the best way for me.

Freedom from Inertia

Suffice it to say I have been paralyzed by procrastination all my life. The last 50 days have seen me break out of my habits big time. I have started reading BOOKS again. I have started meditating twice daily. I have been doing affirmations twice daily. I have even started light body weight exercises at home.

For the first time in my life I have consistently done productive daily activities even though I don’t always feel like it. The pride and sense of accomplishment that comes from having a structured routine of daily Things To Do are, in many ways, more fulfilling than the results I get from doing them.

These changes may sound inconsequential, but remember I was nothing more than a piece of furniture that housed a brain for most of my adult life.

And it's just the start of my recovery regimen. I'm only at 50 days!

Thanks for reading this epic post.

There is so much to say and I am sure I rambled. I am grateful for this subreddit for all the inspiration. YBOP and /r/nofap have really been my lifeline as I begin to heal myself and reinvent myself into the Man I never got a chance to be in life.

Hopefully, as I move forward with my reboot, I can go on to inspire others if I can.

Stay strong, one and all.

*In summary:

40 yr old - fapping to porn 25 years - 2 years of failed reboots -

Finally 50 days nofap!

Benefits just beginning but awesome nonetheless.

YOU can do this!*

LINK -  50 days NoFap: The Greatest "Superpower" Is FREEDOM

 by HIQP