Age 45 - 1 year: My emotions right now are a mixed bag

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The counter tells the story. It has been one year, to the day. It has been a hectic year, for a lot of reasons. My emotions right now are a mixed bag, so I'll try to sort through some of them.

Back story: I came to NoFap to kick my porn habit. I haven't looked at porn for well over a year, and NoFap was instrumental in that. I'll drag out my favorite pun one last time. Porn and fapping go hand in hand, and you can't kill either one without killing them both together. If you feed either one of them, the other will lie dormant, waiting to grow back, like a weed.

My efforts towards porn and fapping played a major role in the reconciliation with my wife, which is still ongoing. Things are much better, but still not where they should be. We are moving in the right direction, but we still have a long way to go. I still have a long way to go. NoFap was part of this, but a small part, and I am seeing that it is a smaller and smaller part as learn just how big the landscape really is.

Superpowers: None, really. Maybe confidence felt like a superpower several months ago, but now its the baseline. On a day to day basis, I don't feel any different. I am still me. And for me, that is a little disappointing. Maybe disappointing isn't the right word, but still. I was ready for a more profound change, something concrete that I could use as a mile marker for where I started a new life.

Exercise: Still doing it. Maybe not as often as I wanted during the winter months, but I can still get in a mile before breakfast.

Urges: Still there. Always will be. Just when I think I'm coming to terms with that, I get challenged, and I have to remember that this is not what I do, even if it is what I used to do, or what most people still do. I don't know if that will ever be any different. So I keep K9 on my phone, even though it occasionally blocks innocuous things (including all of YouTube). Filtering is a safety fence, not a prison fence, and the fence is there as a reminder not to venture into certain places..

Guilt: 1.7 metric fucktons. And counting. What I put my family through, even if it is over, will always be there. This past year is part of their lives too, part of who they are now. And I'll never know who they would have been if I could have gotten my shit together sooner, or kept my shit together from the beginning.

Summary: So maybe I'm where I want to be yet, but I'm not where I was a year ago and I would not be able to say that without r/NoFap.

Stay strong. You got this.

LINK - Day 365 Report - AMA

by kiaserzohsay