Based on Huge Porn Stash Recovered, CIA Believes Bin Laden Acted Alone
Filth Disrupted Terror Plots, Spy Agency Says
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – After seizing an enormous cache of porn from his compound in Pakistan, the CIA said today that it now has a new theory about fallen al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden.
“It’s clear that Osama bin Laden acted alone,” said CIA director Leon Panetta. “And he spent most of his waking hours doing just that.”
Mr. Panetta siad there were still many unanswered questions about Mr. Bin Laden's porn stash, "like how he kept it hidden with three wives in the house."
As the CIA spent most of the week removing bin Laden’s porn stash, which weighed over nine metric tons, intelligence analysts said they would have to spend “many, many days” analyzing the trove to determine its true value.
Meanwhile, on Capitol Hill, calls faded for the release of pictures of bin Laden, but there was increased pressure for the release of his extensive porn collection.
“I think we all have a right to have access to these materials,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY). “I’m just sorry that John Ensign isn’t around for this.”
As the revelations regarding bin Laden’s unquenchable porn appetite came to light, intelligence experts said that porn may have been America’s single most powerful weapon in disrupting terror plots.
“There’s no doubt about it,” CIA director Panetta said. “Porn has kept America safe.”
Experts said that this new assessment could result in a Congressional Medal of Honor for Jenna Jameson, who today was named Ambassador to Pakistan.