ED & HOCD - Victory is closer than you think!
by korejung on Fri, 2012-12-28
I know this has been said before, but I too am sorry if I was not around to converse with people much on the topic of rebooting. I just wanted to drop a line because something that seemed almost impossible for me became possible again and I think my story would benefit those who are really stuck and unsure of how things are heading.
I used to be a porn addict and chronic masturbator for about 9 years. I suffered from HOCD and could not perform many times when I was in bed with women (ED). It was usually a hit and miss. I've been trying to reboot for the past year now and have relapsed countless times. I have abstained for a month 3 times before I would hit the relapse cycle again. Many times I was able to go for a week or two at a time.
I have to say this was an arduous task. I wanted to give up many times and the thought of approaching another woman just seemed horrific to me. The idea of believing you still have it for women when really you don't (physically) just confused me when it was bed time. I really thought I lost hope.
The one thing that turned it around was just to keep pushing forward when I started to doubt myself. After about 11 months into the reboot I was just at a month of abstaining. The idea of waiting for 3 months (standard I suppose) and then to approach women seemed like a real challenge but I couldn't wait that long. The HOCD and the fact that I wanted to return to norm was always attacking me on a mental level to always test. I had so many sporadic thoughts that would cause me to sweat and feel very anxious at random times.
As of today, after the 5th attempt starting in month 11, I have finally been able to keep an erection for 75% of the time but when vaginal intercourse came, I was 100%. I abstained for 1 month leading up to this event. I guess 3 months is not really necessary. I felt so great and relieved afterwards. Truly the 4 times before I could not perform within that month really did a number on me. Even though I felt defeated every time. I kept coming back.
My advice to anyone out there is keep pushing through the storm. I had HOCD thoughts racing through my head every time before I met with women. I even imagined having sex with them in my head just to get an erection beforehand. With no response down there and only fear seemingly being the only emotion taking over, I still went to meet the women.
So I would say two things.
- One is that if you believe your straight and you want your life back, you better take it back because life is not going to be waiting on you.
- Second is, be with a women you like, even if you do not have an erection around her or feel that aroused by her. Trust your heart when you get to know the girl you like. If you thought she was pretty when you first saw her but felt nothing down there, don't fear. You just need time. This is how I felt. Make sure she knows a bit of your situation as well (at least if you can't perform. If you can however, no need to mention your problems I guess). It's always easier to be aroused by women who are understanding.
Oh yeah, one more thing. After the feeling of victory and high self esteem, the HOCD thoughts slowly started to creep in again but have drastically been weakened. My advice on this is meditation. Always visualize or imagine what you are and say it in your head and picture the word. This will train you to change your thinking one day at a time.
Also I want to give my thanks to Marnia. She is a really nice and caring person. Every little bit counted on this journey to self-sanity. And I thank her for doing a great job of encouraging others as she has done for me.
Thank you guys. And thank you YBOP.
Victory is closer than you think. Don't think it will happen one day, just believe it will happen soon.
Yes Marnia, I have read that article. Testing sure can be the trigger to damage self esteem. However, I believe there are two kinds of testing now. One that can make you or one that can break you. I believe going out to test yourself with women so you can feel made is a great way to get back into the game or introduce yourself to it if it's your first time.
The testing I believe that breaks a person is the one that is counterproductive or contrasting in nature to self identity. Even though I had HOCD (sometimes mild and severe), deep down I knew I always loved girls from my youth. So to feel nothing around women at the time did sometimes cause me to test in the contrasting way.
The testing that reinvigorated me, made me. The testing that was contrasting to my nature, hurt me. So I think people should test, but only in the desired direction they seek.
And yes, the unwanted thoughts still crop up time to time but are becoming so mild and insignificant, I can still focus in present environments and still have fun talking with women and people.
The biggest asset on this journey was my meditation. Words are truly powerful. Now I see firsthand.
I would ask though; do you know any other good forms of meditation? Does yoga count? I do not know if I like yoga but it seems like a form a meditation to me. I think I need to find something that is really soothing and tranquil for my heart.
Sometimes I feel like my heart is racing and warming up internally at a rapid rate. Yet when I count my pulse, it is at 68 bpm, which is pretty normal. Yet I don't know why I feel so uneasy sometimes. This feeling seems different from HOCD. It's just a weird sensation.