Five-month plateau

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Recovery from porn addictionI found this material during the summer of 2010 after googling on "orgasm addiction" I think it was. I don't know exactly what made me google that, but man am I glad I did. An article on this site explained various things: the connection between the dopamine released when the reward center gets stimulated, the addiction and learned behaviour on triggering that stimulation by watching porn, and the neurochemical changes after orgasm.

It took some time to integrate all the info, but the first super-interesting thing was a line saying something like, "In fact, the orgasm causes a hangover which lingers up to two weeks." Wow! Did that explain things I'd been thinking about, or what?!

For at least a year before finding this site I had been wondering whether masturbation could be non-beneficial for us men. (I think men masturbate especially heavily and use more porn.) My theory then was that the body goes into some kind of "partner mode" because it believes that you have a partner. I wondered if, because of the frequent orgasms, you stop sending out bonding and attraction vibes to females.

I was also questioning if the body really was designed to ejaculate every day, thinking of my ancestors who had no birth control drugs, and probably didn't ejaculate nearly as often as I did—or all my friends did. I'm 25 now, but when I was a little younger, all of us masturbated probably every day. I generally, masturbated 2-4 times a day, with internet porn, from the time I was twelve to maybe twenty-two. After that I settled down to about once a day, of course with internet porn.

When I began to question the benefits of frequent masturbation, I was struggling with strange symptoms. For a couple of years (or even more) I had been noticing:

  • unfamiliar headaches
  • a very shallow and almost tight voice
  • I felt dry inside my eyes.
  • My face felt dry
  • In the mornings, I felt a strange unpleasant feeling in my whole body.
  • I couldn't focus on my studies for longer than 40 minutes before getting the same strange feeling in my body which made me lie down on the couch and have a nap for an hour.
  • I felt crazy. I thought I had diabetes (low blood sugar) or bad vision (I tested my vision which was perfect).
  • I even thought I had ADD or ADHD, because I could be pretty impulsive from time to time.
  • In addition to that, I was feeling pretty insecure in social interactions, and didn't feel safe and comfortable around people in general.
  • I felt like a child sometimes: impulsive, restless and so on.
  • I could even feel how my sex appeal was down at zero. But I couldn't do anything about it!

I tried several things such as meditation, yoga, excluding caffeine from my diet, working out a lot and so on. Nothing helped. I had no idea all these symptoms came from the chemical imbalance in my brain because of my daily masturbation to porn.

So, after reading the article I mentioned earlier I instantly knew where these symptoms came from. I started cutting down my porn consumption and masturbation. I slipped and moved on, slipped again, felt frustrated and binged, moved on even further and felt happy about it, slipped and felt bad about it again, and so on. But the thing is that I made progress. At first I had set a goal of living in abstinence for a year and everything was going to be so great. Well, I soon found out that it was a pretty rough ride. But I made progress even if I slipped a lot.

My brain was experiencing new things. After going for about two weeks without porn or masturbation I felt great changes. All of the symptoms listed above were gone, and I felt so calm and comfortable socially. I spoke firmly, confidently and calmly. I laughed and smiled with my whole face. I grew charming and could flirt. The feeling of lacking sex appeal was gone, and I even noticed better response and reactions from the people around me. I had better connections with my friends, family, co-workers and, of course, girls. I finally knew how it felt to have a balanced brain.

But the urge for sex and love is still there, and even if urge stabilizes after at 3-4 days after orgasm, it becomes deeper and more insistent after about two weeks. Now I craved love and real human sex, and fantasised a lot about my last sex partner. I masturbated to the fantasy, got frustrated over that, numbed the anxiety by masturbating two to three times more to internet porn.

This was the cycle for about six months. Having a hangover for one week, feeling good for five days, feeling great (but with love cravings and deep sexual desire) for two days, slipping, binging and starting all over again. I had a fixed idea that I had to make two months without masturbation, then start to live my life again. The symptoms felt even worse since I knew exactly why I had them. I tended to isolate myself for the first week, because I didn't want to be around people feeling impulsive and unstable during the hangover.

So I did improve, but I also got worse in a way because I felt that I was fighting a war. I joined the forum and expressed some of my feelings and got some good input. (That my brain was probably more balanced than I thought.)

Basically the things I'm going to try to do differently are first, to stop the fixed idea of going two months. If I slip after two weeks, its OK, BUT when I decide to release the pressure of all the cravings I am not going to do it with porn. When the sexual frustration gets too strong, I'm gonna masturbate to the thought of one of the real girls I fancy. I think that I'll have a much lighter hangover without the superstimulation of internet porn, and I wont have to isolate myself for a week. In fact, I'm not going to isolate even if the hangover is recognizable.

My goal is just to live simply with out too high demands on myself, but without pornography. If I masturbate, I masturbate, but I don't think it's gonna be more than once every two weeks, and then as described above. I will also open up to female contact, even though I haven't been "free" for two months. I think I'm up for it now, and my body wishes for some nice love. It has been a while since I cuddled. Wish me good luck.

[Two weeks later] I'm on day thirteen (again). I have never made it farther than this, though I have made it this far several times before. I'm usually feeling very sexually frustrated at this time. But this time it's different. I just feel "normal". I do get horny if I think about sex and I can get the "blue balls" feeling. But, if I choose to think about something else, I can pretty easily direct it and just feel normal again.

I feel more deeply rooted in myself and I'm not as easily aroused and stimulated now. Its hard to find words for the feelings and sensation but the only nearest would be calm, focused, normal, balanced, happy, confident, stable. But these feelings aren't strong or overwhelming as if one would have taken a drug, or something else. They simply are.

I partied with friends this past Saturday and had a blast. Normally I would just lie in bed the next two days, eating junk-food and having anxiety after I have been on alcohol for a night. But Sunday I felt good and had the motivation for normal things like cooking, cleaning etc. I've never experienced that before. I take it as a sign of a more balanced brain.

I spent some time with a couple of friends on Sunday night and I noticed how relaxed and confident and nice I am with my friends now. It makes our connection better and the socializing much more pleasant. We watched some YOUtube-clips of a stand-up comedian, and I laughed so much that I got cramps in my stomach and tears poured from my eyes. Hehe, I loved it. I don't remember the last time I laughed that much.

It's really awesome to feel deeply happy and calm at the same time. It just makes life so much easier. I wish all guys who use porn and masturbate regularly could feel how it is to have a balanced brain.