Age 21 - Good progress! (HOCD)
[Age 21, one-year report] I haven't posted in my blog in such a long time, I've been pretty busy with life in general while making good progress with my addiction.
Arousal for transexual porn has practically vanished, I've been without it for so long now, I barely remember most of it. Part of me wonders why I even got hooked on it in the first place. It feels like it was someone else who spent hours everyday poring through transexual imagery and videos.
I'm 100% certain that transexual pornography is just a kink, just a brain loop that gets activated due to a match-up of arousal (the feminine appearance of the transexual) fear and anxiety (it's not straight, oh no!) and shock (the fact the transwoman has a penis). This all combines in the viewer's brain and sets off an explosion of dopamine, thus, engraving it in the viewer''s head as arousing.
Its easy to get hooked on it. The hard part is getting off it. It's simple in theory: Just "don't" think about it or look at it. It sounds so easy, but it's very hard when you spent as long as I did using it.
It's pretty much gone now though. I'd say 98% of the arousal I had for it has just...vanished. What'.s left is literally a tiny part that I can deal with in around a second. It's nothing.
HOCD is easy to deal with now also. I'm pretty sure it was tied up with the porn I was watching. Whether or not it was, I don't pay it any mind anymore. I just stop thinking about it, or laugh it off and get on with whatever I'm doing. This seems to work.
I have much more motivation to make something of myself now, I want a career. Basketball is going great. I run circles around most of my friends now. The extra energy and testosterone I get from abstaining turn me into a sporting machine! I'm also so much more leveled out and relaxed; social anxiety has faded considerably; anger issues I had before are much better. I no longer fly off the handle so easily.
All in all, life is brilliant right now, I have yet to complete 8 weeks of abstinence, but this last year of "failing" has been more productive than I thought, I've recovered a lot and I'm a different person. In a good way!
I think a lot of porn addicts view a relapse as a total failure, an end to the work they put in, but it honestly isn't. Relapses teach you to resist in the future. They teach you that those few minutes with that video or pictures just aren't worth it.
Today marks four weeks PMO free, aside from a short, non-orgasmic intercourse session with my girlfriend that caused one or two ripples. If anything though, that intercourse session showed me that my sensitivity in my penis has improved considerably, I could feel every movement, every motion, our bodies just combined and it was perfect and magical.. But I stopped it because I started getting porn flashbacks again. I've decided to go another six weeks and have orgasmic intercourse then and see what happens, although I speculate I'll be fine. (I was also impressed with my own ability to actually stop myself, never managed that before! And damn was it hard! .. In more ways than one!)
ED is LOADS better, but its been a gradual recovery over the last two years, plus I'm super-comfortable with my gorgeous lady, she knows my problem with porn and supports me fully, she said from day one that if ED hit me she understood it wasn't her or my fault or anything.
Aside from, naturally, avoiding porn for recovery from ED, I STRONGLY believe getting comfortable with a partner plays an important role as well, I know people who aren't addicted to porn who have had trouble getting erections when trying to have sex with someone for the first time, I don't think you have to tell your partner about your addiction or anything, but just taking things slow and sticking to bonding behaviours for a week or two after you meet is an excellent idea. Its almost like you become in-sync together and when it comes to sex your bodies just combine naturally, with no anxiety or worry, its just plan awesome!
Two years ago I thought I had no idea I would enjoy cuddles this much, or as my partner and I call them "snuggles" Smiling but now I realize that the feelings and connection I get when holding my girlfriend in my arms is unbeatable and it feels even better the longer I go without porn. Some people cuddle after sex, but cuddling before is a brilliant way to get comfortable with a partner.
So things are going VERY good right now, I'm exercising fifteen minutes every single day without fail, mostly jogging with some weights thrown in. Some people may say that isn't enough, but in my opinion, fifteen minutes every single day is way better than an hour 1 or 2 days a week at the gym.
I've lost weight, gained muscle, my complexion is superb, the black rings under my eyes have practically vanished, I'm more confident, stronger, faster and above all else.. Happier! Smiling
I drink lots of water now as well, I don't know why, but it puts me in a really good mood and is way better than the sports drinks I was taking before, as there is a pretty noticeable come-down period with those after the sugar wears off.
We're made up of some water, so you can't be doing yourself any favours if you aren't keeping that water level high enough!
I suppose I should also outline some negatives I have experienced in the last few days or so:
(Any tips or advice would be welcomed very warmly!)
- Porn flashbacks occur when I try to sleep, I'm finding ways to avoid this by using techniques from yourbrainonporn, but sometimes I do get an erection when the old porn scenes pop up in my head. Not good, but its only been four weeks, and I'd be kidding myself if I thought cravings weren't going to creep up every now and then. Just hope this stops soon.
- Women are everywhere!! I never noticed this when hooked on porn, or maybe I did, but didn't pay attention because they didn't have plastic boobs. This is making things somewhat difficult and is conflicting with my attempts at being a good boyfriend. I.e I was sat on the bus the other day and a girl came and sat next to me, she was wearing a top that left little to the imagination and I popped a you-know-what.. I'm just glad I had my bagpack on my lap! I must have looked ridiculous walking off the bus with my bagpack positioned over my crotch! Smiling
Other women are very appealing sexually. I feel kind of bad when I see another girl and find her attractive, it annoys me but I think I just need to accept that. I know I would never cheat, that;s all that matters, right? I'm 21 and I haven't had a sexual release in four weeks.. I need to give myself a break I think, but its still kind of annoying. Hopefully as I engage in a happy and loving sex life with my girlfriend, these cravings for other women will bugger off for a while. Just got to make sure stick to those bonding behaviours.
- Opportunities to get out of the house during the day are few and far between. I've been unemployed for a couple of months and I'm spending my days exercising or surfing the net/watching TV. I have no money to do much other than go and hang around at a friends house, but I only have one other friend who is unemployed right now so I'm going to try and hang out with him more through the day. I see my girlfriend on average 4 days a week, so when I'm with her there isn't much chance of a relapse! Not to porn, at least.
Jogging and exercise is my only real means of getting out of the house at the moment. Once I get a job, things will be much easier.