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Ask The Academy [Sample newsletter] Girlfriend and hardmode, is it possible? To other people reading the newsletter who may not know, NoFap’s Hard Mode refers to deliberately abstaining from orgasm, even with a partner, throughout NoFap’s challenges.
One good option is karezza which is the practice of sexual intercourse without orgasm.
An explanation borrowed from /r/Karezza on reddit:
Karezza is a way of connecting with a romantic partner via regular, daily bonding activities and sexual intercourse without orgasm. The bonding activities generate oxytocin and make us feel loved and connected. Orgasm avoidance keeps dopamine levels in balance and reduces the urge to look for a new partner or find flaws in our current one. Karezza lovers have frequent sex but rarely experience orgasms.
Maybe give it a shot - but for a porn addicts brain, sometimes even karezza can be polluted with pornographic imagery (fantasizing about pornography while having sex with your partner). For some NoFap users, rebooting with complete abstinence might be a better option, at least for a period of time before attempting karezza.
Above all else, learn to connect with your girlfriend. Do spontaneous nice things for her. Court her. Ask her out on a romantic date. Cuddle with her. Kiss her. Love her. These activities will train your subconscious to completely separate porn from intimacy.
Some combination of the above might work best. Maybe be completely abstinent and then move on to karezza. Then try real sex. If you find yourself dwelling on porn, it might be time to take a step back and wait a while before trying again.
Some people (my NoFap Academy partner Mark Queppet included) completely abstain from sex while having a girlfriend. Just in case that is something you might be interested in, it is possible and many people hold off until getting married. If that isn’t your thing (it isn’t mine), I would still suggest abstinence for a period of time for almost any rebooting porn addict.
Most importantly, talk to your partner. Complete honesty is integral for any successful relationship. Tell her about your problem, how much you care about her, and the recovery process. Show her NoFap and other porn-recovery websites where she can find information. See what she thinks about it and answer any questions. Communication is key for moving forward together. I wish you all the best in your recovery and relationship!
I wanted to know more about the struggles and how to overcome lust while being married, often times people act like everything is awesome and why would anybody struggle... But that's not the case for most couples... Shinning light on this area would be very much appreciated
While I’ve only been married for about three weeks now, I’ve been in a relationship with my wife for almost five and a half years and learning how to deal with this very issue has been a huge process for me. There are many facets to tackling this topic but it ultimately comes down to recognizing your own dignity and the dignity of others.
I believe that “lust” is often the projection of your own self worth on some sexual object. Basically, if you don’t feel good about yourself - you can look at someone you find attractive and think “if only I had sex with them, I’d feel great!”. The converse also often holds where when you see someone attractive that you are not with, you then think “I’m not good enough / I’m not okay”.
Claiming your own dignity is saying that “I have unconditional value and worth as a human being” and recognizing that who you have sex with or don’t have sex with has no bearing on that worth. From that foundation you can then choose what kind of person you want to be.
The other half of overcoming lust lies in recognizing the dignity of others - primarily that of your wife and the people you may have “lustful” feelings for. When looking at other women, it’s about taking away the fantasies around them - seeing them as real people, with real feelings and real value - not as objects for pleasure. When looking at your wife it’s about honoring her worth and making the choice to commit yourself to her and invest in that love.
Featured NoFap Quote
“You are confined only by the walls you build yourself.”
If you have any feedback about how these newsletters could be improved to help you meet your goals, please feel free to reply to this email. Until next time, we wish you all the best in your journey to live life porn-free.
Alexander Rhodes and Mark Queppet
The NoFap℠ Academy
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