HOCD - Stop looking for answers!
Greeting Fapstronauts, this message is for anyone going through HOCD. I want to let you know that you can beat it, because I did. I have been in this spot for about a year and I finally crippled the fuck out of it. This is going to be long, but I know anyone searching for answers will take the time to read it...and then let it go. I'll get to that, soon.
First of all, a little background on me. I don't know if I was experimented on or what, but I had another boy's penis in my mouth at age 4 and vice versa. I remember thinking it was pretty nasty putting his in my mouth and I never really thought twice about it until I was around the gay community constantly. My girlfriend was a "bi-sexual" so she talked about homosexuality and her brother was gay himself. Long story short I was upset because I thought, "great, now I have to defend myself against both sides of the tide." Eventually I got over the fact that she had experimented with women and then one day, my brain went haywire. I started thinking, "what if I'm gay and never knew it." Just as I'm sure most of you with HOCD have. I was fapping constantly my whole life and I started PMO at age 12. I have literally jerked off to porn for 6 hours+ before to the point where I didn't even cum. The last porn that made me think, "OMG I MIGHT BE GAY," was some Female Domination porn where a dude was getting it with a strap-on. Then I thought, well if I'm gay, I might as well look at gay porn, which failed because that wasn't arousing. Then I went to shemale porn which oddly enough made me cum...at the time. (I'm going to get to this) I was freaked out. It might have been considered a straight fetish but it hurled my HOCD into full action. I was confused tbh.
At this time I need to explain something. I was going through this addiction, depression, anxiety, OCD, and a poor relationship. During this time I experienced the dark side of the gay community often. I'm not going to go into detail because I don't know who views this board. Let's just say, that it started making me homophobic as fuck, something I never was. I didn't even want to be homophobic, I just became that as a result of what I was exposed to. So I went to see a psychologist who was female. I explained things to her and she said the very typical answer I had expected, "you're insecure with your sexuality." Let me tell you guys something, no human straight or gay, should have to witness sexual acts in front of them and be totally cool with it, it's not cool for some people. Period. I stopped seeing her and realized that I was going to have to figure it out on my own. This was March of this year.
I became extremely depressed. I lost all attraction to girls, I got anxiety around men. I thought I liked men, but I knew something was wrong. My brain would randomly fire off the most gay thoughts around men. It didn't matter who it was, it could've been the oldest ugliest dude on the planet and my brain still would have done that. I lost my relationship with a beautiful girl I was with eventually because I was always angry or I couldn't focus on anything but my OCD. I've actually had other types of OCDs as well but this was the worst.
Then one day I decided, fuck it. I need medication, I'm becoming suicidal, I have no interest in anything, and I feel like I have no control anymore. So I took Celexa 20mg. It didn't help at all...at first. Then one day I woke up and could finally think. I finally realized that I was never attracted to men at all, and in fact, I had gone through something traumatizing when I was younger and had experienced events throughout my life relating to men that were bad. My step-father called me faggot because I would stay over my friends houses to hang out. I was called gay and faggot throughout my life and it was because I wore skinny jeans and didn't listen to Korn or some shit. True story. Some of the girls I liked thought I was gay because I dressed well. "Obviously a man who takes care of himself must be gay, herp derp." So I freaked out. When brain started fucking with me all the time. If I made out with my girlfriend, it'd think, "Oh man here's a thought of a dude, wanna suck cock?, mmm he's so hot." All stuff that I know is fake. In fact it's kind of funny.
So I found YBOP and started to read out of desperation, I found Neurotic Planet, and I read every psychological study on homosexuality and let me tell you something. IT DOES NOT HELP. LOL. You only further perpetuate your anxiety that way. There is a huge difference between anxiety and attraction. I stayed away from Liberal media (You can get mad if you want but just listen) because when I read things about homosexuality etc, everyone just said, "who cares man, just try it and see if you like it. sexuality is a spectrum. etc. etc." Let me tell you something, it's not really that true. Let me explain, go tell any TRUE gay man to go have sex with women. What will their answer be? No. Why? Because they like men. Go tell any true straight person to go have sex with a man. Their answer will be no because they like women. Same with women. However there are bi-sexuals. They like to have sex with both. It has nothing to do with society. Society didn't force anyone to act a certain way, which brings me to my next point. My new therapist told me this. No one can force you to believe anything. When it sunk in, I realized, I'm not gay, no matter how many people want to try and tell me I am, or in denial, or I had a thought therefor I must be, I have always been straight, I was always attracted to the female form, I like the personality of woman, and I will die liking this. Same for someone who is gay. If anything, society to me says to go and be with whoever the fuck you want, guy or girl, and just fuck. Let me tell you something. DO NOT. I live in a very liberal state and pretty much just do whatever the fuck you want is a way of life, but for someone who has HOCD to go and be with dudes will not help, you probably wont like it and you'll experience a sexual orientation identity crisis. I'm not gonna lie, my brain almost went there, but I always knew deep down I've never felt that way. OCD is a demon of the mind, but it can be conquered. I'm going to end this by listing ways to help those of you who are effected by this.
- If you have looked at Shemale porn/gay porn/bi-sexual porn accept it. This sounds hard as fuck trust me, but once you do, it's easier to see if you truly like it or not. Maybe you had a curiosity? Or had been treated poorly by the opposite sex, or you just have an open mind and want to explore, but you must accept what you have done, even if it goes against yourself.
- No one, not a psychologist, not a friend, not a website, can tell you who you are. This is important to understand fully. Your brain will make things up to scare you, to try and keep you from doing anything in your life. Realize this is anxiety and not true thinking
- DO NOT listen to someone who says you should go try out gay things. This may be controversial but I don't care. If you have been straight your whole life, you will always be straight, there is no need to go through an identity crisis. It will only hinder you, and same with people who are truly gay, who want to try and be straight. You will end up hating your partners and it's not for for someone who is truly straight or truly gay.
- Stop looking for answers on the internet. What does this mean? Don't go to forums, don't look up HOCD, don't ask anyone who is gay or straight about it. Leave it alone. You only make it worse by seeking answers. Trust me, I was scared that I was going to change forever. I was scared that, "OMG IM GOING TO BECOME GAY." Then one day, I literally stopped giving a fuck. I stopped reading, I stopped thinking about it and guess what, my attraction for women came back in full force and I was able to come to this realization. Which brings me to my last point.
- Anxiety is a beast. It can, however be tamed. It will make you believe things that aren't true, but you have to realize that it's all fueled by you. YOU are the one who causes it. Situations might make it come out more but you are in control. Let me just put it to you like this, my homophobia is gone, back to the way I used to think, yes, there are perverts in every group of people, doesn't mean everyone is a pervert. I am wildly attracted to women and always have been. Now what's left? My pornography addiction. That is the last thing left. My advice to anyone going through this, stop the porn. It helps, don't believe what some expert says about sex, trust yourself. That's appealing to authority anyway which happens WAY often on reddit. Stay away from reddit too. Give yourself a chance to think and heal. It it is possible guys. No one could tell me I was gay at this point because I'd laugh my ass off. If anything, this made me so much stronger than I was before. Realize that OCD and other anxiety related illnesses are actually more helpful than anything else.
TL:DR - I overcame HOCD, I understand a lot about anxiety related illnesses, no on can tell you who you are or who you are to become. There is a huge difference between anxiety and attraction. All of this will uncover something deeper than just the porn itself but realize that it is impossible to morph into something you are not, even if you somehow do, you are at risk for identity crisis. It really is simple, if you're gay, you're gay, if you're straight, you're straight. I'm finally going to delete this account but I will be here a few days to answer questions that anyone may have. I want to help others, because I know what this is like and everyone deserves to have help if they have a problem.
COMMENTS BY ORIGINAL POSTER:
I used to google HOCD every single day, but it caused so much confusion I had to stop. DO NOT look up any definitions of homosexuality or or believe what you read about homosexuality. I literally did everything you're not supposed to do. In time, you'll be able to read coming out stories and realize that was never you. You're not there yet though. You're where I was 6 months ago or so. Yeah, it takes a really fucking long time to get over, I'm not going to lie to you. Remember one thing, it isn't denial! THAT was the hardest thing for me to understand. If you've liked girls, been with girls, and only thought about girls. It's always going to be that way. Now here's why OCD IS TRICKY. You're brain is in a weird place and your signals aren't firing off correctly. You have to accept that you might be gay. That sounds fucking insane, I know, but it's not. The longer you wait to do something about it the worse it gets. Believe me. Pick up that book and explain to your therapist what's happening. If they tell you you're probably gay, ask yourself if that's what you want. If not, find a therapist who knows about OCD. Also don't get a therapist who constantly reassures you. That's not helpful either. Where I'm at right now, it's not 100% gone but it's pretty damn close. I can actually focus on life.
well written - I'm a gay dude (well, 80/20 gay/bi) and I appreciate your thoughts and the truth you write. Be skeptical of what someone else tells you about who you are - take it for what it's worth - someone else's opinion - not fact!
Thanks man, I appreciate that. It actually means a lot that you're being understanding. The thing is people who don't have problems like this won't get it. I just want to help others in the same predicament in a sense I guess. It's good to feel comfortable in your own skin and I finally feel like myself again. One day when society stops caring about sexuality, we can actually focus on things that matter. I feel stupid for obsessing about it so much but that's the nature of the beast. OCD is literally stupid.