Age 21 - I am a thoroughly changed person: my views about relationships and sexuality have turned back to normal again
Hi! I've been completely celibate for 270, haven't even peeked or touched my dick. Only sexual experiences during this period are 1 wet dream which I almost resisted unconsciously and made out with a girl once in a bar but turned her down when she suggested getting a room (didnt' feel right and there was no chemistry, so no regrets, she was rather beautiful though).
I consider myself thoroughly changed person, my views about relationships and sexuality have turned back to normal again. My connections to people have grown stronger and more genuine. I feel liberated and self-sufficient most of the time.
I don't feel the need to get something out of every person I meet, I don't have to go on the dance floor and force myself to grind random girls to have a chance of hooking up like I did few years ago. Actually, I'd much rather save my semen than waste it on a one night thing.
Today, to your surprise, I'm feeling miserable and exhausted. But the key thing I realized, is to embrace it. Most people avoid feeling down and escape the feeling. Now I think life as working at a conveyor belt where life throws all kinds of shit on it so you have to sort it out. Some days there isn't much stuff on the belt, and you can have fun and joke with your co-workers, I refer these days as the good days where you feel happy etc. Today, there's much shit on the belt but I'm not letting it accumulate, I'm not gonna succumb into the trap of instant gratification, instead I'm gonna hit the gym in the evening even if I don't feel like it now and handle my duties.
I can't really enjoy games the same way I used to (I was a mmo addict). Sure I can play one game sometimes with my friends but I can't do 12-hour sessions alone anymore, I feel bad for escaping my daily responsibilities. Nowadays I enjoy getting stuff done, exercising, reading, meditating. It feels great to have a feeling that you've built something in yourself, every little step and effort stack up quickly. In result my confidence has honestly grown a lot. It has not grown just because of abstaining, like many believe, but by developing myself everyday making the right decisions.
One of the best things is the freedom. Before I was hesitant to study even for 30 minutes because I wanted to gear up my character or lose myself in pornhub. And for real, who has easy time resisting the urge when you have these two options? I rarely play anymore because of that, but that's just my experience, please don't make hasty judgements.
Benefits have been stacking up gradually, but it feels awesome when you notice that you have grown as person. I met some 15 years older woman who is really beautiful at work. We had professional conversation for quite some time. We connected really well and I just lost myself in her eyes, before I would just have assessed her physical qualities, but now I really enjoyed the conversation and her presence, it was mind-blowing. I wouldn't trade this experience for a chance to bang the 10 hottest woman on this planet. This is the kind of liberation you will get, it is totally worth it. I've observed the same change in my friendships, they have changed from neediness to just enjoying the company of each other.
Attention from girls and from people in general have increased a lot, though I don't value it as much as I did before. Now I ask myself if I really want to get involved with this person, is it good for ME? Before I would have taken any chance at getting a girlfriend but now I value my own interests higher, I'm rather alone happily than in a bad relationship. Mind you, I'm 21 and a virgin, but that doesn't mean it is good for me to fuck anything with a pulse. If I meet someone compatible, for example someone like that older woman, but more suitable for me in terms of life situation, I'm all in for it but for now, why hurry? Someone else can't fix your insecurities and personal problems.
Now I consider the need for relationship very selfish. When I'm really honest with myself, my former crushes have been really flawed, they all had roots in my own interests, like that my friends would respect me if I had that smoking hot gf, people on the streets would look in awe if I walked with a 10. This has nothing to do with a real relationship and is entirely pointless and leads ultimately to failure. BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF, examine your motives and truest intentions when dealing with other people. I've had the most satisfying experiences with people when I've met them in situations where I didn't expect anything, like the case with the older woman. Don't be needy and focus on yourself, put yourself first. Like meditation has taught me, you can be happy by just staying still and breathing, you need don't approval and reassurance of other people. This is something I'm still working on and there's a lot of work left.
I also managed to get into the university of my dreams, got a summer job, got to know closer to 100 new people, most of them acquaintances, some of them really good connections. Started new hobbies and enjoying life in general. This is worth it and I don't see myself going back ever again. Don't mind about my bad english.