I find sex so much more natural, more enjoyable. I feel more sexually sensitive, resensitised.

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NZ mountainsAn ongoing, genuinely transformational experience. I've never felt emotional hurt this sharply. I've never felt so willing to do what I want. I've never felt this alive.

LINK -200 Days Today...

 

by PressStartHere2


[EARLIER POST]

Actually, 97! 3 from 100! Get in!!

How do I feel?

Pretty good. Honestly? It's nice to have my fucking integrity back, thanks very much. And I feel better about myself. For those interested, I haven't looked at porn, and I haven't masturbated either. I have had sex with my partner.

I really, really appreciate the difference it makes to not being drunk on porn. I find sex so much more natural now, and, how to say, more enjoyable. I feel more sexually sensitive, resensitised. And also, my dick just reacts better. It's ready when I'm ready.

I've had one wet dream in the time I've been no PMO and actually I was, I don't know, happy about it. I kind of thought, there, that's it, that's natural. The dream was pretty awesome too, though a little weird.

Anyway, I just wanted to check-in to celebrate, and remind myself (and you) a little of why we're on this journey. Yeah, the single most important gift I've gotten out of this? My integrity. And I plan to keep it...

LINK - 90 days free!!

by PressStartHere2


 

ONE WEEK EARLIER - One Week to 90 Days, But Why?

Addiction is a fucker. It convinces you of the craziest ideas...

The Crazy Ideas of Addiction

  • I can control my feelings with objects and/or events, events like watching porn, or using Facebook, or watching endless YouTube videos.
  • I can escape uncomfortable feelings by using objects and/or events, like watching porn, jerking off, or surfing the internet.
  • I can use these avoidance strategies without consequence.
  • It's OK to treat myself like an object, or machine, to be flooded, used, and manipulated in order to create pleasurable feelings and sensations.
  • There's nothing wrong with postponing my deeply held beliefs and values in order to achieve a pleasurable experience.
  • Using porn, or the internet, or whatever, to manipulate my feelings or to avoid is a pleasurable experience.
  • I don't have deep, human needs, like the need to connect with others, or myself. I can survive alone, on objects or events, like porn or social networking.
  • I can't cope with life without the objects and events I use to manage life.

None of those ideas are true

  • It is not possible to avoid feelings. They wait. They persist. They don't go away.
  • There is no escape from uncomfortable feelings. Relationships break-up. People die. Life is not easy.
  • Attempting to avoid uncomfortable feelings only increases distress, by allowing such discomfort to build up, while at the same time decreasing my tolerance for distress, requiring me to avoid such discomforts even more.
  • Treating myself like an object or machine has many negative consequences, including reducing my self-esteem, destroying my sense of self as a deeply sensitive human being with needs for care and love, and increasing the likelihood that I will objectify others. After all, how am I expected to treat others as human beings, and not objects, if I treat myself as such, like a machine to be used and abused for pleasure?
  • Betraying my deeply held beliefs and values decimates my sense of integrity, and poisons my heart with shame.
  • The very act of acting out is, at root, an incredibly unpleasant experience, whereby I feel a complete lack of control, deep shame, and conflict, so much so, that I deny these feelings until after the event, so that I am filled with remorse and regret the very second I awake from my trance. Acting out is born of suffering, is an experience of suffering, and causes more suffering. Any pleasure felt, if it is felt at all, is hollow as a husk.
  • I have needs. I have a need for peace. I have a need for creativity. I have a need for contact with my self and others. I have a need for compassion and love. I have a need for expression and life. I have a need for safety and protection. I have a need for purpose. I have a need for nature. I have a need for release of self with others. I have a need for intimacy.
  • I can cope without the objects and events I use. I have coped before, and I can cope again. In fact, I cope far better when I am free of addictive behaviours. I have more energy, more joy, more control, more confidence, more self-esteem, more integrity, more connection with self and others.

TL; DR: That's why. Because addiction is a fucker - a lying, sneaky bastard - and I've always preferred truth over fiction.


 

UPDATE - 191 Days In: Review

So, coming close to 200 days. Looking back, I can hardly believe the time has gone so fast. It was like the first 30 days were slow motion, and the rest a blur. So, I'm just checking in to round up some of the things that have come up for me, and some of the things I've learned.

I get waves, micro and macro, throughout the process. There might be whole weeks where I hardly crave orgasm at all, with maybe the odd urge here or there. Then, other weeks, usually if something difficult is happening, I get clusters of cravings. Maybe two or three a days for a couple of days on end. This is usually accompanied by lots of looking at women. This last bit, looking at women, I'm finding the most difficult part to move through.

I mean, it is of course natural and pleasant to look at attractive women. However, the sheer amount of time and energy I put into this, especially when craving, is ridiculous. I've posted on this before, but essentially it boils down to the question: what do I find so very important about the female body, that I have to clock every ass, every leg, every breast I see when I'm walking down the street. The answer is multifarious: escape, a high, the hope of someone's affection, the desire to be desired, to craving to be loved.

So, here's the truth: deep down, I struggle to love myself. So, I desperately seek someone to love me, in whatever way possible. It is a hungry, craving, desperate process.

The only thing that can end this process is me, is having compassion for myself, and finding a way to love and accept myself. A difficult task, to actually feel that, but using mindfulness and visualisation, I'm getting there.

The end result of this, of finding love for myself, and as a consequence, truly ending the desperate need for orgasm, sex, women and external romantic love, is power. I engage with my own power. I don't need sex. I don't need external validation. I don't need women. I want these things, but I don't need them.

That, my friends, is gold. Because when you don't need orgasm, or porn, or sex, or even women, only then are you truly free to go out and get what you really want.

I've had massive issues with my relationship throughout the last 100 days of my quit. Quite literally, it's been horrific. Still, I didn't fap. I didn't fuck other women. I didn't even have sex with my girlfriend for the last two months until today, because I wasn't prepared to have a relationship with her until she was prepared to make some changes that would better meet what I wanted in the relationship. Otherwise, I was out.

She changed. And now I have a better chance of really finding what I want with her. But, you know what? If I don't, and we have to end it, I'm OK with that. Because I'm OK as I am.

Throughout the last 200-odd days, I come to learn that the following really help me get by:

  • The Gym
  • Meeting friends regularly. Like, at least twice a week. Ideally more often.
  • Eating well, and cooking nice meals for myself.
  • Grooming. Taking care of my image. Designing that beard just the way I want it.
  • Chilling out. Playing video games.
  • Sleep. As much as I need. Not too little. Not too much.
  • Regularly cultivating compassion for myself. Like, as often as possible throughout the day.
  • Being prepared to stand up for my dreams whenever necessary.
  • Saying clearly what I want.
  • Doing new stuff.

So, that's it for now. It's been rough, but I genuinely think this process has really helped me become who I want to be, and actually, in a rather profound way, this process has helped me stand up for, and better attain, many of the things I really, deeply want in my life.

TL; DR: Love yourself, and have an adventure!


EARLIER POST

 It's
51 days for me, and I'll be honest. Some days I don't even think about
PMOing, and other days I'm really tempted but find myself saying 'No'
much easier.

Actually, I've come on the boards today to check in because the last few days have been a bit rough in terms of craving.

Here's a run down of my experience so far. It's also a way for me to remind myself of why I'm doing this.

Peace out guys. Remember: Every Craving is a Sign of Success.

So, let's stick to the title, shall we? Starting with the downs.

The Downs of NoFap

  • Have to face my fucking feelings.
  • Have to feel my pain.
  • Have to acknowledge my needs.
  • Have to sit with the craving for porn, for orgasm.
  • Have to find newer, better ways of coping.
  • Have to wait out the storm of a radically new way for my brain's neurons to be firing.
  • Have to face life.
  • Have to face my fears.
  • Have to sit in the bad days, feel them, feel crushed by them, and cry them out.
  • Have to recognise my vulnerability. My humanity.

The Ups of NoFap

  • Feeling more alive, more alert, more vital.
  • Increased confidence and a sense of my own power as a man.
  • More energy.
  • Increased likelihood that I'll face my issues, because I'm not avoiding as much.
  • Sharper, clearer feelings that pass faster, once felt and expressed.
  • Less anxiety.
  • Less chronic pain.
  • Feeling more connected with people, including strangers, friends, and partner.
  • Increased self-esteem.
  • Increased sense of my own ability to control my self and be disciplined.
  • A
    recognition that I don't want to actually jerk off when I feel like
    jerking off, that actually I just want to escape something, or meet a
    need that has nothing to do with sex.
  • Feeling the success of no longer acting on craving.
  • Feeling like a more reliable person, when it comes to being there for my friends.
  • Feeling stronger in myself, more integral.
  • Feeling more driven.

Came
across the video recently too, and linking it here in case you haven't
seen it. It's just one guys story about porn addiction, and his
recovery: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXtEcQGLWW8

LINK - Checking In - The Ups and Downs of NoFap

by PressStartHere2