I thought it was BS: But I did it. I am better for it.
This will be a long post where I will break down my experience with nofap, give my opinions on the direction of the nofap community, my opinions on porn and sex, and whatever else comes to mind. I hope it's a helpful and enlightening road for those of you who decide to read this post of mine.
I told myself at the beginning if I ever reached 90 days I would do a post like this and here I am. Here goes...
I can't believe I did it. 90 days of nofap. I have been a part of nofap for 270 days and have been actively attempting not to fap for around 230 of those days(in September I threw nofap out the window and tried to masturbate under controlled circumstances, but more on that later). Enough numbers, let me go back to the beginning of this journey 270 days ago.
I started my nofap journey around April 3rd. I saw the TEDX talk and was intrigued. I didn't immediately buy it and scanned the nofap reedit. Back then it was around 10,000 redditors and the threads and comments were overwhelming positive. I decided to give it a try. I had just masturbated multiple times in a day and asked myself "why am I doing this, it doesn't even feel that good anymore" and decided give nofap a try. In retrospect I entered what we now called "hard mode". Back then I had only been in a relationship with a few girls and a handful of flings (sexual-ish activity but not a relationship). It had been roughly 2 years since my last time even touching a girl. Masturbation was my only sexual outlet. I was still talking to one of my ex's and I'd say we had started "emotionally" dating.
In the past I had thought about porn and masturbation. I even had seen "your brain on porn" years ago and wasn't phased by it. I discovered porn and masturbation separately and I don't quite remember when I put the two together. I believe I saw porn first at a friends house late at night. Some soft-core stuff on cinemax. I began to unconsciously stroke myself but by this point I hadn't really started puberty. I eventually found myself stroking myself while playing "undress" games on newgrounds. This lead me to discover some low level internet porn and one day I accidentally jazzed and scared myself(since I don't know what happened). This was the start of my habits and it wasn't until I had my first girlfriend in college did I openly talk to anybody about masturbation. I didn't talk to anybody about it. I masturbated between 1 and 7 times a day, every day. Rarely I'd take a day off. When I was a freshmen in college I made a mental deal with myself not to view porn on my laptop(in order to avoid viruses and also just to keep it "clean"). I went home almost every weekend giving me 4 or 5 days of porn to look forward to. But instead of making new friends, meeting people, enjoying college I taught myself to masturbate without porn to imaginary versions of girls from my past. Specifically one girl.
When I was a senior in high school I met a girl who became my "fetish" girl. We were friends but our personalities really didn't go together. Physically, at the time, I had never met anybody as attractive(very big boobs and thin). She became the first girl I knew in person that I masturbated to. I have probably lost the most sperm to the imaginary version of this girl than to anybody else real or porn. And the sad part is I was too afraid to actual try to have a relationship with her and now it's too late, we no longer are friends. Breaking the relationship with this false girl in my head would be one of my main goals of nofap. I will mention that in my year since high school I have met girls that were much more attractive than this fetish girl, I even managed to hook up with one of them, but I always ended up going back to this girl in my masturbation habits. I had tried to remove her from my head before nofap but I never could. Since starting nofap I have been able to sever the false bond and I have no interest in returning to that fantasy land.
So that brings up to nofap. I went for 37 days before crashing. I then proceeded to go about 10 days at a time, then 9, 8, 7 before I had started to masturbate daily again. I couldn't get past 13 days and after a series of bad dates and no luck at all with women i caved in September and masturbated like normal again. I wasn't as vigorous in my searches and I tried not to masturbate for too long when I did. I eventually got October 1st and said to myself, no more. Masturbate didn't feel good and honestly even if all the nofap "superpowers" are bullshit, I gain these 30 minutes spent wanking a day to spend on something else. I have since not masturbated for 90 days. Lots of things have changed and I do believe in the nofap superpowers but not to the extent that many people here advocate them(they won't change your life).
At the very beginning(back in April) I gained a ton of energy and became very productive and forward thinking. My ex and I stopped talking. I began to change my mindset towards dating. My physical skills in regards to sports improved. I became stronger, faster, and wiser( I am a runner and my times notably increased in April). I have since become more attracted to girls. I am more talkative and more alert. I am an artist and I have a strong understanding of my inspiration when it comes to my work, I now experience a new kind of inspiration when I am talking to a physically attractive women.
I have tried my hand at meeting women in ways I didn't think I would ever try. I've been to bars, parties, and online dating. I've met women through all these methods and have been on multiple dates. I have kissed my first girl in 2 years and slept with her(literally slept in the same bed, didn't have sex, I must know somebody for a few months before I do that). If you told me in April that I would get physically close to somebody in in the Fall I would have thought you were joking.
I do not think porn is inherently bad. I do think it's bad boys like us are raised to believe masturbating to porn is natural when it isn't. The ability to masturbate to any women you want is no natural. I feel some guys can probably handle it and most likely are better of with porn existing but not me. I don't think masturbating is bad either. I have been able to see "porn" esique material in the past 90 days (like scenes from A Clockwork Orange) and not get turned on. I've actually come to view women differently and I view the female form differently. Sexuality for me has changed and I feel more attracted to real women. Perhaps I actually rebooted myself.
When I started nofap all the comments were positive and helpful. There was always one comment on every post and it was always a positive now. Nofap since then had really gained some popularity. As soon as memes appeared on this subreddit I stopped coming here regularly. Soon the ridiculous opinions came in. Religion started to weasel it's way to the spotlight and recently games and other "mental masturbation" activities. I disagree with religious institutions and I don't believe in god but I don't believe this subreddit is the place for debate. It's the place for support. Nofap is about not masturbating, I don't think video games have a place here. Yes it's possible to be addicted to games but that's no different than any other activity you can get addicted to. Fapping has effected all our sex drives, our mental capacities, and in some cases our abilities to get erections. Ah whatever, all I can say is I am glad nofap has gained a substantial follow in the past 270 days but I dislike the type of posts that have been appearing more regularly and I fear for the future.
All in all I can say nofap has been an overwhelmingly positive inference on my life. I do not talk about it to anybody, it is my own personal journey (I did mention it to a girl in bed and she was shocked that I had went 60 days without wanking). All can say is thank you to nofap and the community and the TEDX video. It changed my life and I can feel change brewing for the future. Change for the better.
There was one other deal I made with myself regarding nofap if I ever reached 90 days, it was that I would no longer visit the subreddit. I may still drop by and post anyway or just view my numbers. I do not plan on masturbating again. If I do ever fall back into my old habits I know I will be welcomed back here. If this site no longer exists during a relapse I still can fall back on the ideals nofap has taught me. Self control. Perseverance. And striving for a near impossible goal. I guess that's all I can say for now.
Farewell, nofap brotherhood!
I went around 130 days without fapping but about a month ago I relapsed. I'm coming back to nofap because my masturbation has returned to it's pre-nofap habits. I kept telling myself I'd stop but I haven't. I've been watching porn and noticed I am spending a lot of time searching for material and having multiple splurge sessions a day. I wanked earlier even though I really didn't feel like wanking. A fap session like that is what originally inspired me to go 90+ days, so hopefully the session I had earlier will help reinspire me.
Since nofap had become my norm, what made me break my new habits? Well, let me tell you the events that lead up to my inevitable demise.....(long story ahead with a somewhat cringy ending)
My streak was looking good. I had started to date someone but the relationship fizzled (the initial chemistry didn't last, it happens, I was a little sad about it but moved on) and proceeded to meet more people. I eventually ended up on a date with a girl whom I hit it off with. Our date overal went very very well, even with some snuggling in the park. Our last activity of the night was seeing an improv show. The show ended, we went upstairs(which was a bar) and she told me she needed to go to the bathroom. So I waited near the exit. And I kept waiting. And waiting. 30 minutes went by and she didn't return. She also didn't answer my texts. I at first thought something had happened. Nearly waited for 45 minutes before I heard from her. She told me (in text) thought I left so she left. I was ditched(I am in a city, so traveling around is easy without cars). Kinda blew my mind, I thought the date went well, why would she do this? She had an explanation for it(details that go back to the date that make sense but don't excuse her behavior). She even texted me the next day, as if her ditching didn't happen. The entire situation left me confused. I think if she ditched me and never talked to me again that'd be okay, then I could accept the bitchiness and move on. But to be honest, every aspect of the date went well in my book except for the very end. I was having a weird attraction to the girl and my mind displaying nothing but red flags. My mind, in utter dilema, eventually succumbed to the idea of fapping to clear my thoughts. Fap while thinking of her to get over her, an old trick of my from college (that never worked). I told myself just once but I kept fapping "just once" multiple times in a day.
The weird thing is, I still talk to her occasionally(she always initiates the texts or calls). I don't plan on ever seeing her again and to be honest I wasn't planning on talking to her again but she kept initiating. I am more just confused by her behavior.
Anyways, since those events, I've slowly tumbled down the fapping hole. Before my 130 day record I had a month of straight up fapping but I kept fapping to the same material (same porn). But this time, I was doing that but I started to branch out and watch other porn as well. I never dove into material that was completely new to me I still dove far deeper than I have went in a very long time. My mindset basically has been, I am not going to get a get fuck it. I gave up on nofap and getting a girl that was worth my time.
So why am I back to nofap after a month of fapping? Well, I felt much better during nofap than I do now. I've recently been feeling more down, perhaps directly due to me fapping. I've been spending a lot of time fapping(it's starting to get to be over an hour a day). I've been looking forward to my fap sessions which makes me feel more depressed that I think that way. My mindset has shifted from "get girlfriend" to "you're not going to find a girlfriend so fuck it", which depresses me. I've been trying to shift that mindset but it's really tough. I was listening to a podcast today and they mentioned how not masturbating is good for your mind and simultaneously on reddit one of the most upvoted stories today was how ejaculating 5 times a week lowers your chances of prostate cancer.
I also got a fortune cookie yesterday that said " Don't give up".
I dunno, here I am again. I guess all I am asking for is some kind words to keep me going through this reset.