I truly feel like hell right now. Now you are thinking "how the fuck is this a success story?"
“Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one”
You have read this time and time again, I have watched porn since I was 13 years old. I let it have power over me for so long. Until 3 months into my 21st year in February I discovered the most important website of our generation. YBOP. I ate up all the information I could, It was truly awesome to find a way out. Only now I had to climb.
I made it one week followed by a horrible relapse and a binge into hell again.
Then I made It one and a half months followed by a binge and a fall back into hell.
I made it 3 weeks then I masturbated, My crazy brain thinking it was ok to MO.
Then I made it about a month before my next MO, then another MO not long after that. and another.
Today I had made it to about 90 days since PMO, but for me it felt like nothing had changed. I had constant wet dreams causing me to feel like shit, Brain fog was strong and the symptoms of withdrawal where charging hard. I have no job as I relocated and despite constant efforts have been unable to change that status. I have struggled to connect with friends because I truly am feeling like hell right now. Now you are thinking how the fuck is this a success story?
Today is success at it finest. today, It all became to much sitting watching a storm and feeling absolutely at rock bottom I Relapsed. Just once, I felt terrible, more terrible than I remember feeling after any relapse. I went to bush my teeth and could not look myself In the eye in the mirror. Naturally I needed to wash up, so I jumped in a cold shower. And started laughing hysterically. I'M HAVING A FUCKING COLD SHOWER WITHOUT EVEN BATTING AN EYELID.
Through that deep laughter all these emotions came welling up, the realization of how funny it was that I had let the fear of relapse control my emotions for so long, every day I have been living in fear of relapse. everyday i have had all my power taken away from me by the addiction, because I was still afraid of it. In my fear I have been thinking that I have not even recovered at all. But in that shower I realized that I can go another 100 days, I accepted that I am going to have withdrawals and flat lines and cravings and brain fog and feel like shit, maybe in the next I will feel the worst withdrawals ever and I say bring it on mother fucker. But I know now that I am strong enough to deal with it, and make it through to the end.
90 days ago when I relapsed to PMO last I felt horrible and weak and absolutely worthless. This time I started laughing because that stupid little addiction has no power over me. And this time I am not afraid of what the addiction will do to me when I feel down because I know from the bottom of my heart how much power I have now. I realize that what I was looking for when I started my reboot was a superficial superhuman like feeling that would protect me from the pain. That feeling that I was seeking was basically like a dopamine high. The truth is that I didn't get that, Instead I have been pulled through hell and I am feeling every moment of it. but I AM STRONG ENOUGH TO HANDLE THE PAIN. Its awesome.
I hope someone gets something from this, I hope you can see how I have recovered. I'm not through the storm yet, But I have a stronger sail and its full of wind. I Invite you my friends to look upon your recovery as I have today, To truly love yourself for what you have been through. Don't let the fear of PMO hold power over you. PMO is nothing, You Are Everything.
Thank you for reading It has been a pleasure sharing this with you. To 100 more days.
LINK - The Tipping Point.