I used to have one night stands and broken relationships, now I have friends.
New job and a coworker invited me over to her place. Now in the past this means we would have had sex because Orgasm drives my life and leads me to many one night. And she was interested.
Instead we hung out for a bit and went to bed, cuddled up, and it was great. I decided to not pursue things with her because I want to know someone before I engage in physical intimacy with them. (None of this was spoken I just didn't initiate any escalation and when she tried I just maintained neutral)
In the past my urge to have sex would have been too much and we would have been up all night having sex. Instead I get to go to work knowing we didn't do anything to strain the relationship and won't create animosity in the work place. And instead of having a questionable relationship with her we can become friends first then I can see if she is someone I want to share myself with or if we are better off as friends. Imagine that.
It was actually pretty cool just sharing presence with someone without needing sex to happen. I was respectful without being a slouch, still funny and myself, I just didn't escalate things physically. It's cool to know I can be me, the fun, spontaneous, engaging person and not have sex as the end goal.
Sex is an option now, not a necessity. That's pretty cool! Looking forward to seeing where this journey takes me.
Almost all of my relationships were sex, then more sex, then "hey we are having sex a lot ad I guess you're not a bad person, let's like, hang out more". I 'm trying to reverse that process.
I just want to say not having sex does not mean not being yourself. And sex is not bad or something to be avoided. This was my choice in this one scenario.
I still joked with her, we talked about our lives. I teased her a bit she was flirting with me and I responded positively but without escalation.
You can be engaging and fun without pushing things toward sex. And that doesn't mean losing part of yourself. It's liberating not going into a situation dependent on an outcome to call it a success.
Honestly I'm at 90 days and I'm just beginning to really see this. The "reset" is just that. It's a new beginning and you are responsible for what you do with that. Not to discourage anyone but take this time to make sure you create a foundation to move forward with once you find yourself in a clear headspace.
It's not a switch and it's not easy. But it is worth it.
We were both aware of how turned on each other were, I was just able to keep in mind that if we are to have sex, it doesn't have to be that night.
Once I let go of the now or never scarcity mentality I could enjoy the moment without giving into a physiological response that was out if my control, but I was in control of how I acted on that response.
It's made this change much more difficult. Having to fight what is generally seen as a positive but for me is unhealthy.
Non-monogamous sex is like my first drink. It will lead me back to sexual compulsion and PMO when I can't get a steady source for outlet. Better to temper it now through the fire and become whole than to give in and lose progress.
No fap solves a symptom of something deeper, don't forget to do work on your inner self and understand why you use PMO and what it stands for in your life.
For me sex often has been about feeling valued. If a woman has sex with me, I have value. The more women who see me as valuable the more value I have. Well, I create my value now and sex is outside of that value.
There more to it for me too, and it is hard to put into words. The best way to find out is to go through the pain of withdrawal and asking yourself what the feelings are. What feeling are you trying to avoid? What is surfacing inside you?
Then find positive ways to get those feelings that don't rely on sexual release. You're clearly on the right path
Edit: I've found I can get that feeling (whatever it is) by helping others as being giving of myself and my time. By acting with gratitude towards others I create value as companionship for myself. Sex addiction leads to taking from others, reversing it could help. It did for me.
I used to date multiple women. It was easier to hide my emotional deficiencies when I could piecemeal it out into 6 relationships. Then when i started seeing one person more I carried over the pieces from the others and it creates tension because they realized I wasn't whole and I needed them for a lot more validation than I had let in by being with multiple partners.
My claims of polyamory were a veil to hide my insecurities and inability to become truly close to one person in a healthy relationship.
Everyone has their own path.
Part of what makes this a bit easier for me, maybe, is that I have slept with many women already and have done lots of wild and crazy things. I'm able to distance myself from it a bit more because I've experienced the highs of the addiction at their peak and I don't need to attempt to chase that down anymore an I don't feel like I'm missing out on something.
Now this is about being the best me I can be so I can have that awesome relationship, and it may be a truly polyamorous one, where I actually love my partners instead of using them to hide my emotional needs. Or it may be monogamous. Who cares?
This morning she was very happy and we shared a cigarette and she told me to come by whenever I wanted and I was always welcome.
Now she doesn't have to wonder if I'm looking for sex every time we talk or I come over. Less weight on both our shoulders and if something does happen it will be at the right time.
Felt really awesome to be wanted for my company and not sex. That's a new one for me and it's a high I've been riding all day.