Know what? I feel like a snake after it sheds its skin. Though it is far from over…the urges for porn are on a very low controllable level, but rewiring to the real thing just started. Right now, I just sense the seeds growing that I planted last year in july when I read an article that led me to NoFap.
But let’s start at the beginning…
…the time my first sexual interests awoke, I was around 10 years old I guess. After I got my own tv with the age of 12 or 13, I began fantazising and fapping to mtv clips, sex hotline ads and all there was I could find throughout the program. Those were the roots of a bad habit and I let them grow for the next 10 years! My first computer. Internet. Luckily, I was already 14 and just had some slow 56k modem to work with but it was definately enough to harden my habits of masturbation through media, since some friends of mine shared there porn folders on LAN parties, too. I had my first real encounters with women from the age of 15. Guess what, it never felt natural or arousing to me. Thanks to my ok appearance I had several girlfriends (my longest relathionship was only about 3 months), but I suffered from ED ever since. I have had a dozen chances loosing the v-card, but I never manage to get it up and I never felt fun or excitement when it happened, which was frustrating and humiliating. Then came high speed internet.
I was 19 and just moved out of my parents house. Fapping daily, the habits became worse and I started to build up a serious depression, because I was desensitized to everything. Not only because of fapping – my life was dull and empty at this time. I sucked at my studies, abuse alcohol, eat 2 pizzas a day, played video games for at least 5 hours a day (layed the roots for this addiction with my first pc, too.), smoked, didn’t get over my ex-gf who was dating several friends of mine, had no vision for my future and no passion for anything. Let me introduce: the comfort zone prison. There was this one moment, the creepiest of my life so far, I was just sitting in my room and felt nothing. Absolute inner silence. No temperature, no feelings, no pain. I was just sitting there like a fucking statue staring at the naked walls and it scared the crap out of me. Since that day I wanted to change some things, but the real wake up call came with my exmatriculation from university. It was a slap in the face but it definately helped. I was beginning to face my problems that day and wanted to step out the cage I created, but how and where to begin?
I discovered NoFap through an article of an online newspaper the next year. It was about James Cameron talking about censoring internet porn. In the comment section there was this guy who posted a link to NoFap and from there on things became much clearer. I discovered “Your Brain On Porn”, TED’s videos and all the guys struggling on the reddit forums sharing their inspirational stories. I wasn’t alone anymore! I began with this 30 day PMO free challenge, managed it, had relapses, short 7 day streaks, edged, struggled, fought the urges and finally made it to day 90. I quit smoking, I quit gaming and I only drink alcohol on the weekends now. I dated a girl, flirt a lot and last week I was approaching 3 girls spontaniously which I never did before. I feel more energetic, I started to do sports and meditation, found a job and cook more often. I’m going out seeing friends more often and there is one thing that makes me happy the most: I start to feel a way I never experienced since my childhood. There is this natural appreciation for the small things. Golden sunlight on a bridge lantern, effing ravens throwing walnuts on the street so cars will break them passing by, hugging couples, the smell of mowed grass and, of course, the beauty of a girl smiling at me.
It’s telling me, that I made a right descision. It’s telling me, that you can get out of the deepest shit there is with just your bare hands and the power of will. It’s telling me, that the effort you put in today is the reward you will get on your destination tomorrow and that there is no force powerful enough to stop a men on it’s way to himself. I encourage you to take this journey. Put some color back into your life. Work on yourself and climb that mountain bit by bit until you reach the top where you will be able to scream down to the valley of dirt and suffering you are risen from laughing about the struggles and problems which now seem so tiny and pathetic that you wonder why they ever held you back. We are men, for gods sake. It’s time to claim back what was taken.
"D'Geheimnis vun der Verännerung ass fir all Är Energie ze konzentréieren, net op den Kampf vum alen, mee op den Neien ze bauen." - Socrates
…this quote guided me through the tough days. It was helpful for me to picture this hole shit as some part of me that I once fed and I now replace with something healthy and natural. Seriously. The addiction is a parasite, a demon that takes from you. What you get is actually nothing, just a degrading small piece of artificial happiness for a minute. It is filth. It is design. I hate it with passion for taking 10 years of my life that I could’ve spend on exploring my natural sexuality.
I grew on this fight and I wish I will someday find the one I can be good man for. I will not take any addiction into my next relationship. Guys. It is hard, but it’s just a mental enemy. Just tell you that the main part of the fight consists of refraining from something. It will become easier. And for the guys who are in it a few weeks: be aware! Around the corner hides the next trigger, train your mind to notice, observe and letting go the urge for PMO. And it will go.
Someday it will go forever.
LINK - 90 Days and 90 Nights. Completed.
by chamaea
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