Alter 32 - Bestued (ED), ee Joer Bericht

Meng Geschicht: This is my first time joining a forum that deals with pornography addiction. This is also my first time posting anything about my addiction  anywhere so here it goes. I’m 32 years old, married with two small daughters. My first exposure to porn was around 5 or 6 years old thanks to my step father and his brothers. I wanted to watch Ghostbusters which my uncle said he had recorded on video. The movie however was sandwiched between some other odd movies that seemed bizarre to a 5 year old mind.

In the past you had to fast forward the VHS tape while the images were on screen in order to know where you wanted to go. I remember seeing naked men and ladies all over each other. The ladies were putting the mens penises in their mouths, which seemed super gross to me. Then the men would, as far as I could tell, pee on the ladies faces. I was dumbfounded and asked the men in the room “is that man peeing on that lady?” to which I got a swift “shut the hell up!”

I had figured out that this must be whats called “the nasty”. I also remember seeing naked lady pictures in the janitors room of some of my step fathers friends. When I would look I was promptly told to stare at the floor. My own mother had the habit of walking around in the nude during my childhood and even up to my teenage years. What a woman looked like in the nude, and even some details about sex, were no mystery to me by the time puberty hit.

At twelve years old was when I began to masturbate to porn. I was curious and growing ever horny like any other kid that age, but because I knew that porn existed I felt like the best way to experience sex at my age was with porn. It started with watching the scrambled pay per view channels on my TV when home alone. Sure I couldn’t see what was going on, but all the female moaning was enough to send my 12 year old mind sky rocketing.

After a while though the sounds just didn’t do it for me. I needed to see the real deal. I don’t know what it was, but one day while home alone I searched my apartment like an FBI agent, just knowing deep down that my step father has to have a porn tape of his own. Sure enough I found it, a true blue hard core porn movie. Seeing all the no holds barred penetration and body parts was jarring at first. I held one eye open while watching it, partially disgusted and aroused at the same time.

Long story short, the arrival of the internet in my home was like winning a lifetime supply of trees that grow money. During my teenage years and some of my early twenties I didn’t see my porn use as an issue. I mean at the time porn was just one of the vices that my friends and I had. I was on a fast track to becoming another statistical black male, either dead or in jail. I mean my parents were divorced, my mother ended up addicted to crack, my step father was a crack addict. My mother eventually broke free of crack addiction by the time I was 12, but the damage was done and my step father never broke his habit but still lived with us. I drank alcohol, and smoked weed. I hung out with drug dealers, hustlers, pimps, murderers, thieves, gang bangers. I worried my mother to no end, this is why I say I saw porn as the least of my issues.

It wasn’t until I gave my life to Jesus after spending a weekend in prison that I began to see how big a problem porn was for me. Fast forward to the present, after many failed attempts to give up porn I decided to give it a go again in Feb and have been abstaining ever since. Here is what 8 months feels like for me. The urges that once felt like a moose I couldn’t get out my house now feel like small roaches I can squish. This doesn’t mean things are easy, while I’m strong enough to fight the roaches I now feel like my house is infested with them. Like no matter how many I kill, ten thousand more return. Its no longer an issue of weakness against the urges, but endurance. I once thought that normal was having the power to fight my cravings, but now I feel like I’m locked in perpetual battle with myself. And this battle is absorbing everything in my life. Will the war ever be over? Will I ever be able to lay my weapons down and go home to a free life?

Link fir ze posten - 8 months of no PMO, can I ever stop fighting?



EEN JOER:

I never thought I would get this far but I’ve gone 1 year without wrestling the cyclops. Last I time I did that I was 11 years old.

The reason I didn’t type PMO is because I had a set back last October where I looked at some porn comics. I don’t make a big deal out of it because I still feel like I’ve made tremendous progress. So here are some things I’ve noticed that have changed.

  1. No more ED. My wife said that she noticed that I had no problem getting hard and keeping it hard during sex now. I also don’t ejaculate too soon or too late anymore.
  2. I chase her. I also notice that I actually initiate sex more often than before. However, I also don’t hound her for sex either. I know that sounds strange but sex is more organic now. I have this attitude where I feel like I can live without it. There isn’t this yearning burning feeling where I feel like if she doesn’t give it to me I’ll have to get it somewhere else.
  3.  No more trigger panics. I used to get so worked up if I was in the supermarket and a chick who was heavy up top or juicy in the bottom walked in front of me. I felt like the world was out to get me and that I would have to stay indoors forever. Yeah I’m totally cool now. Cant pinpoint when it happened but at some point I just stopped caring. Big boobs, pretty face, so what.  
  4. I crave porn like I crave cake. Which is to say my cravings are manageable. They still hit but not as nearly as the unstoppable force they used to be. With a little prayer and determination I can say no to my cravings like I say no to that last slice of cake.

I probably have more improvements I can’t think of right now but feel free to ask questions.

Question: How bad was your ED?

That’s difficult for me to answer because during the time I didn’t realize that I had ED or was willing to admit it. I blamed any erectile problems on my wife because I thought if only she would perform like a porn star I wouldn’t have these problems. I asked her what difference did she notice in me during sex since I felt she would be more honest about what was happening than I could be. She reported that it was difficult for me to get hard sometimes and when I did I would lose it about half way through. Sometimes I would ejaculate too early or wouldn’t ejaculate at all. I do remember losing interest in having sex with her because she couldn’t stack up against the women of the web. I hope that answers your question.

LINK

by Knight of Freedom


The following is not part of his reboot story, but nonetheless interesting.

Why internet porn addiction is worse than drug or alcohol addiction

Dëse Fall gouf virdru bei Senatsverhéierungen a Chrëschtleche Foren gemaach a gëtt normalerweis als vill ze alarmistesch geschummt. D'Haaptargument wat ech héieren hunn firwat Internetporno méi schlëmm ass wéi Drogen an Alkohol ass datt am Géigesaz zu Substanzen déi aus Ärem Kierper geläscht kënne ginn, Porno-Biller verloossen ni Ären Geescht. Wéi och ëmmer, ech gleewen datt Internetporno aus bessere Grënn méi schlecht ass wéi "et gëtt Iech schlecht Erënnerungen". Also ouni weider Ado hei sinn meng Grënn firwat ech denken datt Internetporno méi schlëmm ass wéi Drogen oder Alkohol.

1. TOTAL ANONYMITY. When a drug addict gets hit with an unstoppable craving there are several things he must do to get his fix that the internet porn addict doesn’t have to do. The drug addict must actually leave his residence and purchase his drugs or alcohol from a seller. This means that in order to get his fix somebody has to see him going for it in public. There’s a risk of public exposure that the alcoholic and drug addict face that the internet porn addict does not. Notice I said internet porn addict. Porn on VHS or DVD or in magazines isn’t the same as todays porn because you still had to go out into the public and buy it. When the addict is ready to kick his habit, the shameful march to the dealer, the risk of public exposure becomes a safeguard. Even buying porn with a credit card has a risk of public exposure that todays internet porn just doesn’t have.

2. SUEN. Apropos kafen, Är Gewunnecht ass nëmmen esou schlecht wéi Äert Akommes gutt ass wann et ëm Drogen oder Alkohol geet. An extremen Fäll sinn Drogenofhängeger bekannt hir eege Famillen a Sklaverei ze verkafen just fir deen nächsten Hit ze kréien. Internet Porn ass awer 100% gratis. Sécher sinn et e puer bezuelte Säiten dobaussen, awer mat all de Tube Sites an Torrents géif nëmmen en Idiote Sue bezuelen fir dës Deeg Porn ze kucken. E puer vun eis kënne spieren datt mir méi Selbstkontrolle vun eise Gewunnechten hunn wéi en Drogenofhängeger well mir keng Verbrieche maachen fir eis Fix ze kréien. Awer, stellt Iech vir, ob d'Regierung Porno illegal gemaach huet, an all Porno aus dem Internet verdriwwen huet. Wéi vill vun eis géifen eis Mamme Miwwele verkafe fir just nach eng Szen ze gesinn, wann dat Verlaangen, Dir net seet, nee fir Iech ze treffen?

3. ACCES. Net nëmmen den Drogenofhängeger oder Alkoholiker muss e Gesiicht zu Gesiicht treffen fir hire Fix ze kréien, hien huet och eng limitéiert Zuel vu Liwweranten. Hien ass ëmmer ee Policekraaft, oder Liwwerwon Pann ewech vum Haffende Klebstoff, oder Badewanne drénken. Den Internet Porno Sucht huet awer eng onlimitéiert Versuergung vu sengem Drogen no Wiel wéinst der iwwerall existéierender Natur vum Internet selwer. Internetpornoe verkeeft ni aus, brauch ni eng ID (iwwerpréift jo oder nee wann Dir iwwer 18 sidd e Witz), an Dir musst ni aus dem Haus goen fir et ze kréien. Am Géigesaz zum Meth Sucht, den Internet Porno Sucht Drogenhändler wunnt a sengem Haus an huet eng onlimitéiert, gratis Versuergung vu sengem Drogen, oh an hien ass onsichtbar. An Dir frot Iech firwat Dir weiderhëlt.

4. NO SMELL. While the stench of unwashed genitals may permeate the room of an internet porn addict that stench isn’t always an indicator of porn use. Alcoholics, certain drug users, even cigarette smokers substance gives off a distinct smell that is undeniably from their product. Which means that to get their hit without anyone noticing they have either do it with other addicts of their ilk or climb under a bridge or something. Internet porn addicts can abuse their drug in the comfort of their homes without worrying about it telling on them with a smell. You may feel like you go through great trouble to hide your porn use. But, the difference is that when you’re done you don’t have to pop a mint, spray air freshener, or wash the stench of porn off your clothes. There is no scent that internet porn use gives off that lets people know without a shadow of a doubt that you fell off the wagon again. How many of us have cycled through internet porn on our smartphones while our wives or girlfriends lie right next to us in bed, oblivious to what we were doing. Thats a luxury the drug and alcohol addict will never have.

5. NO PHYSIOLOGICAL TRACES. Now I know some of you who suffer from porn induced ED may be screaming “off with his head! ” at this point but hear me out. Unlike drugs and alcohol, porn cannot be found in your blood or urine. Whereas the drug and alcohol abuser has a fear of losing his job or car due to his habit, the internet porn user, unless he’s actually caught watching it during work hours, never has to worry about this. Erratic driving can be caused by any number of reasons. The driver may be tired, or fist fighting his passenger, or trying to text while driving. But, when the police pull him over, test him, and see he has a BAC over the legal limit the buck stops. You may suffer from porn induced ED, but tell me what test can your doctor conduct where he’ll come back and say “well son it looks like you have porn in your body”. Absolutely none. Imagine what your life would be like if porn could be traced in your urine or on your breath.

6. KEEN DESFIGURERUNG. Net all Drogen- an Alkoholmissbraucher gesinn aus wéi Drogen- an Alkoholmissbraucher. Awer wann en ausgeprägte 26 Joer alen mat vermëssten Zänn a gesonkene Aen Iech géif soen, hie wier e Meth-Sucht, d'Chance datt Dir net iwwerrascht wäert sinn. Laang Zäit Gebrauch vun Drogen an Alkohol ass bekannt ze änneren wéi säi Benotzer ausgesäit. Wéivill Prom-Kinniginendag, déi d'Skids getraff hunn, hutt Dir gesinn, déi Iech schockéiert hunn, wéi schrecklech se ausgesinn hunn am Verglach mat wéi se fréier ausgesinn hunn. Denkt elo un wéi vill Internet Porno Benotzer déi selwecht Geschicht hunn. Kënnt Dir och en Internet Porno Benotzer an enger Masse wielen? Wann Dir Är gutt Aussoe vun Iech geklaut hutt ass en anere Schutz datt den Drogenbenotzer him hëllefe soll seng Gewunnecht ze kickelen datt den Internet Porno Benotzer net.

7. Angscht virum Doud duerch IWWERT VERBRUCH. Am Géigesaz zum Drogen- oder Alkoholabhängige kënnt Dir op Internetpornografie no Ärem Herzen Inhalt béien an Iech ni Gedanke maachen iwwer eng Iwwerdosis ze stierwen. Ech mengen eng Persoun déi ze vill Waasser drénkt wäert méi séier stierwen wéi e Porno-Sucht op engem ganzen Dag Binge. Angscht virum Doud ass en exzellenten Motivator fir d'Gewunnecht ze kickelen datt den Drogen an Alkohol Benotzer deen de Porno Benotzer ni wäert hunn. Sécher datt e puer e Suizid gemaach hunn oder e puer bei Autosaccidenter gestuerwen aus Porno kucken wa se fueren, awer dat si méi indirekt Doudesursaachen. Keen wäert jeemools soen "hey hutt Dir hei iwwer den Johnny? Hien ass gestuerwen un ze vill grouss breasted Meedercher op sengem Computer ze kucken. Sou schued “.

8. NO ONE KNOWS YOUR HIGH. Its been said that the dopamine rush you get from internet porn is comparable to meth or cocain use. But the meth or coke addict has a period of time when he is obviously buzzed from using his drug. Which means that the internet porn user can get almost or as high, and still drive a forklift, teach a class, or have a normal conversation without getting weird looks. Sure you may get depressed or moody, but those can be attributed to any number of things. A drunk man can never claim his drunkeness is due to not getting enough sleep, or because he though about something sad.

So thats all I got. What is the conclusion of all this? Stop being so hard on your self. You are dealing with an addiction that doesn’t have any of the safeguards to stop you from going overboard like drugs or alcohol do. While you can get encouragement from an ex drug addict on how to beat addiction, keep in mind that you are dealing way more than he had to. As internet porn addicts we have to implement these natural safeguards artificially. And even then it’s not the same. So keep fighting, keep trying, and stop thinking so down of yourself.