I’ve been a lurker here for some time, and I wanted to share my story with you guys, mainly because I’ve had to keep it to myself all this time (for reasons that’ll become clear) and talking about it might help me. Also, probably should serve as a cautionary tale, because my degenerate ways led me to addiction, and even to really dark places.
So: me. I’m now 27, but I’ve been a chronic masturbator since my teens, probably every night, and twice or three times a day since I moved on my own to college when I was 18. I’m not ugly, or at least I don’t think so, neither am I fat or too skinny or whatever. I do suffer from low self esteem and lack of confidence, which certainly didn’t help with the ladies.
For a long time, I was just your regular addict: fapped 2, 3x a day, started knowing all the pornstars, getting my view of sex and women deformed because of it, and of course my own self-image.
It changed when I came across the “porn addiction fetish” – basically turning your own addiction to porn into a fuel for more masturbation. Turns out, there’s a whole hidden subculture around this, blogs, tumblrs, special porn vids, etc. A lot of it was pictures of porn stars or hot women with captions urging you to waste your life jerking off. I’m not kidding: a lot of the stuff was about forgetting your family, friends, job, making you stupid, and turning you into a dumb, constantly edging and masturbating pig. They especially practiced a form of masturbation they called “gooning”, which is edging again and again until you basically become crazy. Then I found out a whole IRC room dedicated to this.
This is when things went far. I used to spend hours on that IRC, finding pleasure in becoming completely debased. I used to rush home from work, only to log on and start masturbating. Pretty soon I’d log on from work as well. However, the room had a sizeable gay presence, with a sort of “penis worship” fetish, as well as “sissies” (which, as you may know, is a fetish for men who want to dress up as girls and be as feminine as possible).
Slowly but surely, it all got to my head. I was straight, but I started choosing my porn more and more according to penis size of the male performer, starting to more and more imagine I was the girl in the scene. There was also a shit ton of “hypnos”, videos and sound files that promise they’ll “break your brain” and either turn you into a total addict or make you into a “sissy”. I listened to and watched a lot of them. Now normally I don’t believe about hypnosis, but when you’re horny, it can mess you up. I discovered “sissy guides” to becoming a “trap”. I’m not going to bother you with all the details, but I “explored” (more like “brainwashed myself”) with tons of fetishes, such as cuckoldry, penis worship, total submission, etc.
This is when it was really hard. Porn addiction had led me to question my sexual orientation but also my gender identity. I started thinking about being a woman, of being feminine, with a warped and frankly extremely sexist and pornified view of femininity. I’m not kidding, by the way. I got a full body hair removal, let my hair grow longer, brought panties, and was researching stuff about hormonal treatment. I also started my own Tumblr about porn addiction encouragement and becoming a sissy. I started masturbating “like a girl”, especially prone masturbation.
The final push happened when I met a dude on the IRC chat, and, well, I sort of catfished him. He knew I was a dude too, but I told him I was a particularly feminine “sissy”. We chatted a lot on instant messaging apps, and yeah, we kinda had this virtual relationship where I ended up calling him my boyfriend and he called me his girlfriend, and we used to talk all the time. It just felt weirdly comfortable, and all.
The funny thing is, all this was parallel to my “real life”: I didn’t become an isolated masturbator, I kept seeing friends, going to work, spending time with family, engaging in my hobbies, etc. In my mind, it was like I was just building an alter ego, or a separate person. Needless to say, this dual life was a big cause of stress and depression.
Then one day he told me he wanted to travel to come see me so we could actually have sex together.
This is when everything sort of shattered. Suddenly everything was becoming too real. I’m not transgender ; I’m not gay ; I don’t want to be a woman ; and more importantly, I’m worth better than ruining my life through addiction. All of that just hit me.
I told the dude it was over, and this was really hard and I actually cried because we had been “together” for a few months, it felt like an actual break up. I deleted everything I had, all this alter image I had, erased it completely. That’s when I started coming here to find methods and answers to how to get my brain back to normal, and I decided to do it step by step. First, getting rid of the urge to go back to the gay/sissy side of things: restricting myself to “normal” porn. It helped, but still, the male presence in it was pretty bad for me. So, strictly lesbian porn or just female teasing. Then I tried a ton of “manly” activities to “wash away” the feminine feelings. Failed with most of them, but running and playing sports (soccer and badminton) helped a shit ton.
Slowly but surely, I got away from that. It took about a year or so, a year and a half: play sports, restrict porn consumption to female-only stuff and to just a few times a week. In the meantime, I even managed to get back in the dating game, and after a few unsuccessful dates, I met an amazing girl, and it’s been a year we’re together, and I’m loving it. Just a few days ago she told me she wanted to live her life with me!
Some time ago, I did relapse just because I was too horny: fired up the porn. But guess what?
It was boring and not arousing at all. That’s right, the hottest babes, and I just found it boring. I thought about my girlfriend and some of our sexy times: and yeah, I can fap to that. I guess if it’s the woman of your life, it’s not too bad to have a little jerk off when you think about her, eh?
One note though: excessive porn consumption and prone masturbation have left their mark on me. I had a lot of trouble with erectile dysfunction in the early days of our relationship, and most weirdly, with orgasm and ejaculation: normal masturbation makes me orgasm very weakly. However this is on the way to be stopped, since we’re living together, I have very little if no time for PMO, which has helped me – I get good erections now, and I’m starting to cum a bit from sex. So it’s all for good.
TL;DR: PMO messed my brain up so bad, I nearly became a trans woman and nearly broke my dick in the process; things are much better now.
LINK - From porn addiction to gender identity problems to redemption: my story
by trib_O_nian
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