September 15, 2015 will be a year since I masturbated to porn (PMO). The journey was not easy and painful at some points; however the rewards gained through abstaining from porn are life changing.
Geschicht
I have been watching porn since I was age 12, I am currently age 32. My father gave me my first porn magazine at 13; however I did not start masturbating until age 14. Seriously age 14 is when I started PMO. I grow up with my grandmother being really religious and saying sex is a sin. The thing is I would watch porn at age 12-14 on the Playboy and Spice channel; my family had the box with all the channels.
The problem started when I first masturbated; which created a downward spiral. I would wait until mid-night when the Robin Byrd Show would come on along with all the 900 number commercials or watch the cable in the living room when no one was in the house.
At that point of chronic PMO (Porn Masturbation Orgasm) everyday unknown to me I was becoming a withdrawn youth. Now that I look back at my High school years, I can understand why I was emotional broken and shy. I was an attractive youth; however being an attractive youth is nothing without confidence. I was also having a lot of family issues which may have contributed to my constant PMO.
I had no internet in the house from 1997 until 2001 where the PMO came from magazines which I stole a lot from my brother who came home from jail (he had a Gym bag filled with porn magazines), cable channels (Adult and Playboy), and late night television, and bootleg porn dvds. In 2001 I finally got the Internet dial up, so to get a nude picture it took over a minute sometimes longer to download a Jpeg.
Looking back now I can see my early PMOing was my way of dealing with stress. It would be every day. It also contributed to my social anxiety and lack of aggression/sex drive.
When I got to college I lost my virginity at age 19. I was still PMOing but I had no problem putting on a condom which I will talk about later. Sex was great with a condom. She was my girlfriend for about close to 2 years.
Then I got DSL and this is when all the problems started to happen. I became hooked on free Internet porn which was easy to access. My PMO escalated from once a day to 5 if it was possible. It became a ritual. The problems with my erections and sex drive started getting lower gradually. I remember having sex with this girl in my grandmother’s building and I did not feel anything wearing the condom. I had delayed ejaculation and just thought this was because of bad sex. However, I was becoming more attracted to porn and less to real women. People were questioning was I gay because I was not chasing women like regular guys in their early 20’s. The constant PMO was killing my drive as well as feeding my depression and social anxiety. I felt awkward around women like I had no social skills.
Then I moved out and was renting rooms. I would have girls come over with no desire to have sex. My hand gave me more pleasure. I was making no moves with a girl on top of me. I did not understand why I had no interest. Then came the moment when I failed to have sex with a condom. I was able to be stimulated from oral sex; maybe it was more of the visual. However, I would lose my erection because of the condom. I did not understand, I continued to only be aroused for oral; however a condom destroyed my erection. I just thought the girl was not attractive enough and I would PMO when she left. I don’t know how she stayed with me for 6 months. I cursed her out disrespectfully because of my own short comings which was stupid; we are still cool to this day even through that was about seven years ago. All other girls it was the same thing but I could still receive oral sex.
Rewired without knowing
I continued to PMO when I met my current girlfriend of almost 7 years. We got a little drunk and had unprotected sex (WHICH I DO NOT RECOMMEND NOR AM PROUD OF); I do remember when we were having sex I was not enjoying it as much; I was happy we had sex but it did not feel great, I did not ejaculate. In the morning she wanted to have more sex, I said I was tired and passed her some cab money. Two more days pass and I go to her house and had bad premature ejaculation and I was having problems maintaining an erection when having sex in doggie position, which took about two months until no problem with any positions. I guess she really liked me. The problem was I continued to PMO with regular sex. However, I still enjoyed PMO more. My depression still was present and continued to grow.
The pre reboot
In august of 2014, I and my girlfriend had an issue of infidelity on her part. I started to go out to Meet Up groups and a little day game. One day at a bar downtown Manhattan I’m talking to a nice good looking Brazilian women. I’m grabbing on her butt and we are getting along with a great vibe. The thing is I did not purse sex when we left, it was late like after mid night and she looked disappointed because I did not pursue sex. I just had no desire; I should not have mislead her by squeezing her butt.
Then some weeks later I started dating two other women I met during speed dating, yes I was still with my girlfriend (don’t judge me I’m laying out how I got to doing a reboot). One of them I was so attracted to I was getting an erection just from kissing her, I tried to take her home but she wasn’t with it; but we continued dating. However, the other one I felt nothing not even kissing. At this point I was having unprotected sex with my girlfriend and still major PMOing. The reason for the infidelity may have been because I was more interested in PMO pixel girls and not her.
Then one day while PMOing my erections became weak and I tried on a condom which I have bad experiences with and I could not put on the condom. I quickly started to google why I could not wear a condom and keep an erection (I was also PEing and DEing a lot). The information lead me to this site and other sites that told me about the problem of Porn use. It was September 14, 2014 that I found this information out. I decided to not PMO and do the reboot. I wanted to fix my sexual problems.
The One year reboot
When I started the reboot day one being September 15, 2014, I was having a lot of sex with my girlfriend I’m talking about everyday almost. However, I noticed I was getting massive brain fog every time I ejaculated and she was loving the delayed ejaculation (DE) which I was only using to prove my ego that I was a great lover, but I was not enjoying the sex at the level I am currently enjoying which I would have never imaged (you know you are getting better when the stimulation and quality you feel on your penis increases). However, with no PMO I was getting bad headaches after ejaculation. Then on Columbus Day, I experienced the flatline (I believe I was in flatline for years just because of the low sex drive). My penis just stop working, this is about a month with no PMO.
I confessed to my girlfriend on that day that I was rebooting from PMOing and the problem I had for years. I had to tell her, my penis stop getting hard even in her mouth and that is damaging to a woman. She through it was because of the other girls I was dating but I stop trying to pursue sex with them because I did not want to bring them into my reboot and PMO problem. She said she will support me in my reboot. I also sent her links to the websites on PMO. I had no libido, I was super depressed, and I started crying out of nowhere on some days. At that point I got in contact with a therapist and starting going once a week. The depression was crazy and sex was being failed at half the rate, with bad semen leakage and brain fog. I even had a terrible violent outburst in November. Things started to get better around February which was the last time I failure at an erection. I was always tired as well. Then by April I started to feel better and was going to therapy every two weeks.
I did not PMO or MO (Masturbate Orgasm) at all during my reboot or currently up until today. However, I was reading to keep away from Orgasms (O); however I continued to Orgasm which may have been my reason for bad brain fog and withdrawal symptoms.
By the spring I was having sex 100% with a little PE. The PE went away in the end and the stimulation is great that I feel during sex. I tell people that I have not MO or watched porn in a year and they can’t believe it.
Points to take away
You will feel super worst before things get better. The withdrawal and flatline are real. The depression was the worst. I will tell you that I wish I have never PMO because I would have avoided this bad depression I had. Now that I don’t PMO my social anxiety and depression faded away.
I understand that I am still susceptible to PMO and will always be an addict. This way I do not test myself with porn. Porn is not an option; treat it like a recovered Alcoholic treats beer and wine. It can no longer be a part of your life.
Don’t waste money on supplements — people will try to cash in on your problem. Trust me I wasted money in the beginning. Your brain has to heal and weaken the porn pathways.
Even though I did not slip during the year, don’t give up if you do. And again things will get WORSE before they get BETTER.
LINK -“My 365 days of porn freedom”
By PL
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