Me Pre-Reboot: Here is a snapshot of me on October 29, 2014, before rebooting:
– Porn, masturbation, sex addict
– Depressed
– Suicidal
– Severe erectile dysfunction and drippy ejaculations
- Insomnia
– Broken marriage
– Unhappy children
– Pathological liar
– Completely unable to work (my attention span was 3 minutes)
– Addicted to fleshy reality TV
– Addicted to video games
– Suffered from paralysing migraines
– Complete *sshole: angry, full of resent
– Isolated and alone, very anti-social
Me Following Reboot:
– No porn nor masturbation
– In a serious and monogamous gay relationship
– Gaining strength and happiness daily
– Junk works just fine and geyser-like ejaculations
– Insomnia cured: for the first time in my life, I fall asleep when my head hits the pillow and wake up exactly 7-7.5 hrs later
– Divorcing but have a wonderful relationship with my ex-wife
– Kids living with their mother in a nearby town but they are safe, happy, and well-adjusted
– I see the kids all the time and eat at my ex-wife’s house 3-4 times a week
– I am brutally honest with myself which helps me be honest and genuine with others
– Getting back to work (career reboot started a few days ago)
– No longer watch TV (prefer reading)
– No longer play video games
– Migraines gone
– Anger gone
– Very social, gaining in confidence (but not arrogance), and feel a real connection to people
Meng Story: Tomorrow I’ll turn 43. Rebooting is the best present I’ve ever given myself. I felt the tingle of porn addiction as a pre-teen, then started masturbating compulsively at around 14, then graduated to magazines, VHS movies, and eventually the heroin-like high of high-speed internet porn in my early 30s. So I have been a PMO addict for roughly 10-15 years. I married a wonderful woman in 1999, am the father of 3 terrific children, and own my own business. This idyllic life was almost destroyed by a daily porn addiction that I know would have killed me. I used porn to live a virtual closeted life. As a gay father/husband, porn was my only gay sexual outlet. But it gets worse. As many of you know, the brain needs novelty to get the same dopamine high. As such, I graduated from straight porn, to gay porn, to hard-core porn, to deviant pornography. When that no longer worked, I gravitated to the dangerous world of gay hook up sites like Grindr, followed by a string of meaningless hookups and affairs. I came out to my wife in May 2012, f*cked my way through every guy in a 40-mile radius, and still continued to surf porn and masturbate daily. In December 2013, my world came crashing down and I contemplated suicide. On October 29, 2014, 90 days ago, I decided to make a change.
Wéi ech et gemaach hunn: Before starting my reboot, I decided to make a complete break with the past. With this in mind, I made the following resolutions:
1. Lying was no longer an option.
2. Porn was no longer an option.
3. Masturbation was no longer an option.
4. Hook-ups were no longer an option.
5. TV was no longer an option.
6. Toxic relationships were no longer an option.
7. I could not beat this alone.
I had tried, and failed, to stop my chronic PMO habit in the past. The reason I failed was simple: I didn’t want to stop. I would stop with the porn for a few days but would creep XXX Tumblr photos. I’d stop for a few weeks but erotic literarture was ok. Rather than surf porn all day, I’d surf a gay hook up site called Grindr. Hookups weren’t porn in my mind. I was seriously f*cked up. I call this ‘lite beer syndrome’. An alcoholic is an alcoholic even if she switches to lite beer. I was essentially a porn addict but rationalized I had quit because I was f*cking a guy, reading pornographic literature, or jerking to still photos rather than videos. I was lying to myself. My reboot had four distinct phases which I’ll now detail.
Phase I: Rock bottom/time for a change: Caution graphic content to follow. There is a great passage in the ‘Big Book’ of Alcoholics Anonymous which I will paraphrase. The passage reads something like, you can’t help an alcoholic until he first wants to help himself. And to do so, he has to hit rock bottom. Two episodes made me want to change my destructive life. The first happened last summer during another day just surfing porn at the office. I was on tumblr and was looking a photos of gay group sex. I stumbled upon a photo of gay men in a ‘scat’ orgy. This was a picture of naked gay men, arm-in-arm, covered head-to-toe in their own sh*t, following a bareback orgy. I almost vomited. I was a father, husband, and respected business owner looking at filth on my computer. I looked at the picture of my three smiling children and felt an overwhelming sense of shame. Rock bottom for me had two parts. While the revolting picture struck a chord with me, I was still ‘enjoying’ gay hook ups. My second revelation was just another Saturday at the gym. While I told my wife and children I was at the gym, I would from time to time have a threesome with a gay couple about 30 mins’ drive from my house. During our last (and final) encounter in October 2014, we were f*cking away when I caught a glimpse of myself in their floor-to-ceiling closet mirror. I thought, “What the f*ck am I doing?” For me, I needed these epiphanies, these life-changing moments, to change. My point is this: you need to be 100% committed to reboot, otherwise you will fail. In my case, I needed an overwhleming reason to break with the past and the above episodes did just that.
Phase II: Early Reboot/Withdrawal: On October 29, 2014, I joined Porn Addicts Anonymous “PAA” (www.pornaddictsanonymous.org). By joining, I accepted I had an addiction, could not control it, and needed a community to beat it. This was no easy realization. I posted on their website daily, participated (nervously) in weekly Skype meetings, and in mid-November joined Rebootnation. My porn/sex/masturbation habits felt both obsessive and strangely omnipotent. This was then followed by an obsessive need for Erhuelung. What saved me in early reboot was reading everything I could about porn addiction. Gary Wilson’s book, “Your Brain on Porn” was a lifesaver. Understanding the science and brain chemistry of my addiction helped me fight it. My judeo-christian programming wrongly made me see my addiction through the fog of catholic guilt, shame, and a lack of moral conviction. Thankfully these were replaced by a deep understanding of dopamine, pleasure centres, DeltaFosB, etc. Through my research, I could better understand and accept withdrawal: my shaking hands and feet; head rushes; flu-like symptoms; aches/pains etc. Knowledge gave me the strength to understand that withdrawal and flatline were healing. They were part of the process rather than permanent. This saved me. But nothing could prepare me for the third stage of reboot.
Phase III: Emotional Reboot: Only when the porn fog lifts do you see the full devastation of your life. I now understand something about addiction: all addictions are an attempt to avoid pain. In my case, I first used porn to hide my homosexuality. Then it became an outlet to avoid all pain, including mundane work-related tasks. I couldn’t go 3 minutes without looking for a porn-fix (I know, I timed it). I think this is why so many people relapse when they feel the pain of withdrawal, the uncertainty of flatline, and the crushing reality of our sh*tty lives without the porn fog. Following withdrawal and flatline, both physical, I started the longer and more difficult process of dealing with the emotions, memories, and habits that resulted in my addiction. I posted obsessively on this website and on the PAA website. I got a sponsor/sobriety partner. I read several books about addiction but the best by far was “Breaking the Cycle” by George Collins. In my case, I needed to soberly deal with the memories and episodes in my life that triggered my addiction. I won’t go through them all but I had to deal with: traumatic childhood memories; my toxic, co-dependent marriage; a painful firing in my early career; and so on. “Breaking the Cycle” gave me the strength to no longer run from my pain. This part of reboot was the most challenging and it took me almost two months from day 30 through today to identify, confront, and eventually conquer the fear, self-hatred, isolation, and guilt that all fed my PMO addiction. I could not have done this alone.
Phase IV: Early Recovery/Career Reboot: I never in my wildest dreams thought my life could change so much in just 90 days. I went from suicidal to self-posessed. Before reboot, I hated myself so much I wanted to take my own life. How selfish and f*cked up is that? Now I am filled with hope and an incredible sense of purpose about who I am and what I want to accomplish. I devoured the book ‘7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ recommended by a fellow rebooter. And I finally had the courage to write my own obituary just a few weeks ago. Did I want people to eulogize about my d*ck and show photos of me hunched over my computer, fapping away? Hell no! I want a life filled with love, memories, the arts, literature, success…a life filled with happines. Through reboot, I have accepted I am not my mind, nor my sad memories, nor some gay deviant. I am a wonderful person who has so much to contribute to my family and community. Reboot gave me my life back.
Where I am now: Symbolically, I sign my divorce papers on my birthday tomorrow. This will mean freedom from the pain of my toxic marriage. It also frees my ex-wife to find true love and frees our children from living the daily pain of our broken relationship. My ex-wife and I remain close: like a brother and sister. We continue to raise our 3 children together even though she has primary custody. As with any family, there will be struggles but I’m no longer running from life’s challenges. One of my hookups actually turned out to be more serious than I thought. So I have found love and have been seeing the same wonderful man for 2.5 years now. We have no secrets and he supports me which is wonderful. We have an amazing sex life and I enjoy an intimate connection with someone rather than my former laser-like focus on mechanical things like erection and orgasm. Through the love of others, I am learning the strength to love and be myself. My business has slowly rebooted along with me. Symbolically, yesterday was one my best sales days ever. I am slowly re-learning how to manage my employees, re-connect with my clients, and set meaningful goals. My goal is not to be rich as this is a hollow aim, but I want to be richly happy and fulfilled by both my professional and personal lives.
So thank you Gabe Deem, Gary Wilson, and the entire reboot community for giving me the tools to take back my life.
LINK - 90-day Reboot Complete: How a gay man with a 20-year porn habit changed his life
BY - lyon03
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