My Story: Porn-love, Secrets and Self Hatred

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Couple embracingThe biggest mistake of my life was disrespecting the power of porn. When I was 14, a friend of mine gave me a data CD brimming with hardcore pornography. Until then, my only experience with the female form was trying to sneak scrambled late-night HBO. The time where a boob seemed so special that we’d work for hours getting the antenna just right so we might, for a second, catch a glimpse of a nipple behind a shroud of white static. When I got home and opened the CD, a new world of stimulation flooded my brain.

That day I touched myself and ejaculated for first time. That day I unlocked the most important aspect of my life, which would rule every decision I made, forever.

As the years went on I grew from an awkward, skinny, nerdy boy into a handsome, outgoing, secretly nerdy young man. When I was 17, I lost my virginity to my girlfriend-at-the-time. We were on her parents’ bed, our clothes came off, things were getting heated, but I couldn’t get it up. It didn’t feel like what I had spent the last few years of my life getting off to. She wasn’t deep-throating me until she choked, she wasn’t talking dirty, she wasn’t shaking her ass, and she wasn’t what I thought I wanted. Through some inner strength of will I managed to keep a quasi erection and we had sex. But I needed more. We dated for 2 years and I treated her like trash. I resented her because she wasn’t what porn told me was sexy. She was a normal, healthy, adjusted girl. She was the girl she was supposed to be and it’s still hard for me to not hate myself for not treating her like a princess. Eventually, like most high school relationships, we broke up and we went our separate ways. I went to college, met new people, had incredible experiences, and my love of porn grew. I would search online for hours on end, trying to find that “perfect” video. I knew the perfect video didn’t exist but it was so fun to try. As my thirst for porn grew, my experiences with real women blossomed as well. These girls in college wanted to be like porn stars. I got to choke them, finish on their faces, they deep-throated me, we made videos, and they shook their asses…but every time we finished I hated them. I couldn’t even look them in the eye afterwards. This was my life.

When I was 22 years old, my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. For six months our family battled and my world was turned upside down. I watched my mother become the strongest person I’ve ever seen; we grew stronger as a family, and my love of porn grew into addiction. Now behind closed doors, only the filthiest of videos eased my mind. Before I could go to my mother’s memorial service I scavenged porn sites for 3 hours. After the service I went back to my apartment, wept, and then searched for more porn. There wasn’t even fluid left in my body, but I needed to feel that precious release.

Years went by, my career was taking off, I met a fantastic girl, but my secret was still the most important thing in my life. I once heard that you’re defined by what you do everyday. And porn was my one, consistent, everyday activity. Was this who I was? I couldn’t let that happen. I needed change. I stumbled across the NoFap subreddit and without much thought I gave it shot. In fact, it was quite unceremonious. I just did it. At first I made it 5 days without masturbating, then gave in. I felt disgusted with myself and tried again. 17 days. Relapse. 3 days. Relapse. 174 days. Victory. Then, again, my world turned upside down. My uncle called me in the middle of the night and told me my father had a heart attack. I got off the phone and sat quietly for 30 minutes before I left for the hospital. I just thought. I thought about everything. I went to the hospital, my father stabilized, I went home and I sat. I thought. I prayed. I experienced more healing in those moments alone in my room then I did in all the years since my mother died, combined. I was no longer hiding behind the comfort of porn. Pornography was a drug that was keeping me from experiencing truth. For my entire adult life it prevented me from living.

Everyday it’s a battle to not log on and find that perfect video but today I’m clean. I think it’ll always be hard but it’ll always be worth it. That battle is something that will always make me feel alive. I have a life that’s mine and I love it. I’m in the best shape of my life, my skin is clearer than it’s ever been, and I’m the most confident I’ve ever been. I have a girlfriend that’s wonderful, and after we have sex, I look at her in eyes and I can love her.

LINK - This Is My Story: Porn-love, Secrets and Self Hatred.

by newblue52


 

UPDATE - Today I'm 492 days clean...