Now I am back on track, feeling better than ever, healthier than ever and truly happier than ever.
I am posting this now, because I won't be able to do it when I reach 90 days. And hell yeah, I will! The text is very long but I hope it is entertaining and you can pull something out of it (for yourself of course).
If there are any errors please forgive me as English is not my mother tongue.
Everyone is addicted. So am I.
A couple of months ago, my ex-girlfriend left me. She was my first real love and it still hurts. My addiction for her love has grown every hour since the day she left me. I grab a glas of vodka and take a shot. I think about the time we shared, the happy moments. Most of the time I think about the happy moments. And her beautiful face, her gorgeous body. Negative things? No way. She was perfect. And now she’s gone. I take another shot of vodka. It numbs all the feelings. I masturbate because it helps me to forget. It feels good for some reason. I do it over and over again as I did the last 12 years of my life. With porn, of course!
Three months later. My mother dies after 15 years fighting cancer. She was all to me. I can’t express the feelings I feel. The pain. The loss. It feels like my heart is burning and I can’t stop it. Here I am back again, drinking shot after shot. Numbing my feelings. I think about good times where my mother was still alive and I had a girlfriend. I miss my ex. I masturbate over and over again.
Six months later. My aunt dies after fighting cancer. She was a special person to me. Looking after me while I was a kid and going to school when my mum had to work. She was like a second mother to me. Again those feelings. The pain. The loss. The Vodka. Drunk. Masturbating. Lonely.
Time goes on. Month after month I get drunk every weekend while loosing control of everything. Fucking girls I am not interested and sometimes not even attracted to. I leave behind a trail of broken hearts and feelings, while I walk the path of life feeling nothing at all. Sometimes my brain talks to me and is asking me questions like „are you sure you are not addicted?“. Nah. I am not addicted because I have a lot of plausible reasons why I am not. Just go out and party like it’s the last day on earth.
Two years later. While surfing the internet, looking for some good advices on how to lay girls I read something about a community which is called NoFap. They talk about „superpowers“ and stuff. You only get these when you stop watching porn. I read a lot of articles on the topic and followed some postings on the subreddit. After a couple of days I decided to give it a try, because with those „superpowers“ you will turn into a beast filled with testosterone and therefore get a lot of girls.
First try. 35 days. I feel like shit after my first relapse. It’s like back in the days when I was left by my first real love. I take a week off and masturbate like hell. I need the porn. I need my vodka.
Second try. 5 days. Someone want to feel like shit today? Yes, please! I masturbate again. Oh and of course: I need my vodka. I need more porn. Fuck yeah!
Days go by and I feel worse everytime I masturbate. I start to masturbate once a week. Worked well for some time. I don’t give a shit anymore and fall back into masturbating and drinking.
Months later I am going out on a friday night. Getting drunk as usual with my good old drinking buddies who where there for me the past couple of years. I have fun, I dance around while being on a vodka diet. Loose three days in one week. I meet an old friend, he buys a bottle of the clear and pure stuff. I take a shot. Everything gets darker around me. My vision gets blurry, until I finally pass out.
Five hours later. I wake up on the street. Where am I? My whole body hurts, my arms are bleeding a little. My head hurts like never before. While I am stumbling around I find a way down the hill I am on. Two hours later I am able to find a spot I recognize. I am still in my hometown. I grab a cab and go home. And sleep. Like I usually do the whole weekends because of partying. I wake up and have my worst hangover ever. While getting my shit together I realize that it’s Easter. My family is waiting for me. I am not able to attend the family Easter party. I call my Dad and say that I am ill because I have eaten something wrong. Bullshit. They believe it. I can’t.
I make a promise to myself: I stop to drink alcohol for 6 months and after that I don’t want to get drunk as fuck anymore. The upcoming week I masturbate a lot and the first weekend after I took my promise comes. Some of my drinking buddies call me. They want to go out partying. I refuse. They laugh at me. Because I already tried to stop „enjoying alcohol“ multiple times. The same goes for PMO. I end the call. I am sitting at home. Alone. On a Friday night. Nothing to do. No alcohol. All the feelings I should have felt the last two and a half years crawl over my back directly into my veins. I feel everything and nothing at the same time. I touch myself when I finally realize what will happen in the next five minutes. I take another promise: I want to end my porn addiction. Additionally I want to stop masturbating.
90 days later. I sit at home in front of my notebook. I am writing a very long text about the last couple of years and my experiences I had in that time. While I read through all the things I wrote I realize that it’s all about the bad things life has thrown at me.
I have never mentioned how I graduated from university after I finished my master thesis in Architecture with a perfect score. I accomplished this in June 2012. Four months after my mother died of cancer. My whole work was dedicated to her, because she was one of the friendliest, happiest and strongest persons I have ever known in my entire life. Just to think about her proud smile, still fills my heart with happiness.
I have never mentioned the first concert of my band in July 2012. We wrote five songs in one month. The last song I played on the stage was the one I wrote for my ex. Even the song was dedicated to her it was one of the best moments in life. I was thankful that her and my path have crossed, because without her I would have never written that song. I would have missed an awesome moment in life.
I have never mentioned how I went on a backpacker trip to Thailand in August 2012. The day I arrived there, my aunt died from cancer. On my three months tour through the country I got to a temple where I enlight a candle for her. It was a beautiful and lasting moment.
I have never mentioned how I realized that I don’t want to do Architecture at all and decided to find a job which fits my character. In February 2013 I started to work at the place where I am still working. It is the best job I have ever had and it’s challenging me every day. I feel that I am in the right place. It feels so right. It makes me happy.
I never mentioned all the people and good friends I met in 2013. The stories we shared, the times we had, the things we have done. I also look back to the fine girls and women I met in the first days of NoFap and afterwards.
The last couple of years were indeed the most challenging and best in my life. NoFap gave me something I have lost somewhere between puberty and becoming an adult. NoFap cleared the fog in my head. For the first time in my life I have a clear mind. Sometimes I feel playful like a child, happy like a cat lying in the sun. I feel. I am not numb anymore.
I never experienced something like „superpowers“. Instead NoFap has confronted me with my real self. The feelings I should have felt. The shame I should have had. The pain I had to face. Weekends alone spending time with myself. Feeling lonely. Alone while you aren’t.
I pushed all this aside. With porn and alcohol. Even if I will never experience this so called „superpowers“. I don’t care anymore. Because I got something much more worth than any power in the world. Time. Time to experience myself up to the ground. Time to find out what I really want in life. I read a lot of posts which try to answer the question: „What is NoFap about?“. As you all know we can now open an endless debate about this topic. Most people forget that possible answers to this question are neither right or wrong. NoFap is about how someone finds his perfect answer to this question.
So what is it for me? NoFap is a process. You evolve from day to day, month to month, year to year. It’s not about porn or fapping or „superpowers“. It’s about reaching goals. Your personal goals. I am still on my journey and each day which passes, gives me back a piece of my real me. The "me“ I have lost in the last few years. Now I am back on track, feeling better than ever, healthier than ever and truly happier than ever.
And still, I have some topics and obstacles to cross. But I am doing it with style. Being fully sober and without fapping to porn. Now I stand behind myself and every day I think about how things turned out. My experiences always remind me why I am doing this. I do it for myself.
Everyone is addicted. So am I. I am addicted to life.