Monse mwinamwake munamvapo milioni ya nkhanizi, koma ndinaganiza kuti ndigawana nawo momwe ndikuganiza kuti mwina ndakhala ndi zochitika zina zosangalatsa zomwe zingakhale zothandiza kapena zotsitsimutsidwa kwa ena. Ndiponso, palibe wina m'moyo weniweni ndingathe kutsegulira zonsezi kotero kuti ndingathe kuziyika zonse apa.
Bongo
Pafupifupi zaka 3 zapitazo, ndinadzuka ndikuganiza kuti zolaula zimakhala zovuta komanso kuti ineyo ndimakonda kumwa mowa. Zinatenga kanthawi. Ndili m'ma 30s anga oyambirira tsopano pamene ndinayamba kuona zolaula ndili wachinyamata, zinali zobwerera pamene mukuyenera kukopera kanema imodzi panthawi, usiku umodzi, pa modem 56k. Komabe, ndinagwira mwamphamvu kwambiri. Ndinakhala kumudzi wakumidzi wam'mudzimo ndipo dzikoli lokhala lamaliseche, lophwanyika kwambiri, atayankhula-onyansa-atsikana akukambirana m'nyumba za LA pa kompyuta yanga anali 100% yosatsutsika. Ndinkakonda kugula zolaula tsiku liri lonse, komabe ndikuthokoza kuti ndikukakamizidwa kuti ndizigawana chipinda m'zaka zoyambirira za yunivesite ndikunyengerera chizoloŵezi cha komwe kunali kosasinthika ndipo ndinakhumudwa kudzera mu 20s yanga yoyambirira.
Ndi pamene ine ndinasamukira ku sukulu yatsopano kuti ndichite MA anga kuti chizolowezi changa choledzera chinafulumira kwambiri. Ndinali ndi chipinda changa, ndipo kuchulukanso kwa katundu kunanditsekerera m'chipinda chimenecho nthawi yaikulu. Ndinayambanso kusuta maudzu kawirikawiri kuti ndikhazikike ndi kuthetsa nkhawa. Posakhalitsa ndinazindikira kuti kukhala mkulu kumalimbitsa zotsatira zosangalatsa za zolaula katatu. Zapamwamba zimakhala bwino. Ndinakhala katswiri wodziwa pamene ndikukwera pamwamba, kuyambira ndi chinachake chowoneka ngati kanema wa nyimbo yamasewera ndikuyamba kukulirakulira ku zovuta zonyansa panthawi ya 4 mpaka maola 5. Kuthamanga kwa dopamine kunalibe kanthu kena kamene ndakhala ndikukumana nako. Sindinkafuna kuchita china chirichonse. Zotsatirazo zikayamba kuchepa ine ndikanangokwera kwambiri ndikuwonanso zolaula zoopsa kwambiri. Zonse zikalephera ndinatha kupuma kwa masiku angapo, koma chifukwa choti ndikufunikira kwambiri kuti ndimvetsere. Sindinkaganiziranso kuti ichi chinali khalidwe lovulaza.
Izi zinapitirira zaka makumi awiri. Nditamaliza maphunzirowo ndinasamukira kudziko lina kuti ndiyambe ntchito yatsopano ndikulimbikitsanso chikhalidwe chatsopano, anthu atsopano komanso ntchito yowopsya anatha kuthetsa zotsatirapo zoopsa za chizoloŵezi changa chokhala ndi vuto kwa chaka chimodzi. Ndinalimbikitsidwa, ndinkakonda kucheza ndi anthu, ndinkagona ndi atsikana angapo ndipo ndinapeza bwenzi lapamtima. Koma ndinkangokhalira kukwera ndi kuyang'ana zolaula ndipo pang'onopang'ono zinthu zinayamba kuwonjezereka. Sindinadziwe chifukwa chake koma ndinayamba kutaya chidwi chopita kunja, abwenzi anga ndi ntchito yanga. Zinali ngati dziko lapansi lidayera imvi. Ndidakali, STILL, sindinagwirizane. Ine ndikungofunikira kusintha kwina. "Ndimasokonezeka mosavuta" Ndikuuza anthu. Kotero ine ndinasamukiranso, ku mzinda wina ku dziko lina.
M'dziko latsopanoli sindinadziwepo koma chibwenzi changa. Zinanditengera kanthawi kuti ndipeze wogulitsa namsongole koma nditangochita, ndinabwereranso momwemo. Ndiyesa ndikupangira zifukwa zanga kuti ndisamayang'ane bwenzi langa kuti ndifike pamwamba ndikuwonera zolaula. Ndimamulimbikitsa kuti apite ndi abwenzi ake kuti ndikakhale kunyumba ndekha. Ndikanamuuza kuti ndikudwala ndipo sayenera kubwerera. Tinamenyana kwambiri ndi zinthu zazing'ono, zopusa. Ankaona kuti ndikumangokhalira kukhumudwa, zomwe zimandilepheretsa kuonera zolaula. Pambuyo pake ndinasweka naye ndipo posakhalitsa, chizoloŵezi changa chinayamba kufika pamtunda watsopano. Usiku uliwonse ndimatha kufika pamtunda, ndisanagone ndi laputopu yanga ndi kuseweretsa maliseche panthawi yonse yomwe ndingathe. Ndinachita maliseche mpaka nditakwiya ndipo ndinali wofiira.
Pamene ndikuganiza mmbuyomo, izi ndi pamene ndinayamba kuzindikira zotsatira zokhudzana ndi maganizo, ngakhale kuti sindinadziwe chomwe chinachititsa nthawiyo. Cholinga changa chinatsikira ku zero zenizeni. Ndinkasinthasintha. Usiku, makamaka, ndikadandaula kwambiri. Sindinathe kuona mfundo ya chirichonse. Ndimamva chisoni ndikulira nthawi zina ndipo sindinkadziwa chifukwa chake. Chilichonse chinkawoneka ngati chopweteka kwambiri.
kuchira
Zosangalatsa, sindinathe kuona kugwirizana kwa chizoloŵezi changa cholaula. Ine ndimaganiza kuti ndi chikonga. Ndinapereka. Palibe chosinthika. Ndinasiya kuyendayenda ndikugwiritsa ntchito mankhwala osokoneza bongo (kupatula udzu). Palibe chosinthika. Potsiriza, ndinawona nkhani ya Ted yokhudza zolaula. Ndayamba kuwerenga za NoFap ndi PornFree. Ndinkayikira koma ndinkaganiza kuti ndiyesetse. Ndinasiya zolaula ndipo ndinasiya udzu. Sindinasute fodya pokhapokha nditayang'ana zolaula.
Masiku oyambirira anali ochititsa mantha komanso osangalatsa mofanana. Masiku oyamba oyamba ndinamva zodabwitsa. Galimoto yanga yogonana inali yowonongeka kwambiri. Ndinaganiza zokhudzana ndi kudula mphindi iliyonse ya tsiku. Malingaliro anga analibe zolaula kuti azidyetsa zolakalaka zawo kotero iwo anaziganizira kwambiri atsikana enieni. Ndimakhumudwitsa mtsikana aliyense amene ndinamuona ndikumuchitiranso zolaula m'mutu mwanga. Ndimakhala ndi miyala yolimba pamene ndimakhala pa desiki yanga ndikufufuza deta. Ndinali makina othamanga.
Pambuyo masiku 3-4, ine ndinagwa. Zovuta. Ndinayamba kuvutika maganizo kwambiri kuntchito. Ndinkachita mantha. Ndikanatuluka thukuta kwambiri. Ndikanakhala ndi chizungulire ndikulephera, ngakhale nditakhala pansi. Nthawi zambiri ndimakhala ndi ululu wopweteka kwambiri. Ndinkadziŵa kuti nthawi zonse ndikuwonongeka. Ndondomeko yanga ya kugonana inatheratu kwathunthu. Sindinkakhulupirira kuti izi ndizo kuchotsa zolaula. Ndinkaganiza kuti ndikufa.
Izi zinatenga miyezi. Ndinayamba kumvetsa zomwe zolaula zandichitira. Ndinawerenga zambiri zokhudza ubongo wa ubongo ndipo zinandifikitsa pang'onopang'ono kuti ndidapweteka bwanji. Ndinakhumudwa koma tsopano ndatsimikiziranso kuzimitsa.
Panthawiyi, panali chinthu china chomwe ndimakumbukira momveka bwino chimene chiyenera kufotokozera. Ndinkangoyamba kumene, ndikukumva kuti ndibwino kwambiri koma ndikugwira ntchito. Ndinali mu sitolo ya khofi yomwe ikugwira ntchito yovuta kwambiri yomwe sindinathe kuiganizira kwa milungu ingapo. Popanda kupita kuzinthu zambiri, kuthetsa vutoli kungakhale koyenera ndalama zambiri kwa ine. Mwadzidzidzi, mu nthawi ya eureka, ndinaziganizira. Ine ndinamverera ichi chokwera cha chisangalalo. Komano, nthawi yomweyo, panali mtundu wina wamoto mu ubongo wanga. Nthaŵi yomweyo ndinali ndi nkhawa kwambiri komanso ndinali ndi nkhawa kwambiri. Ndinayamba kutuluka thukuta, mtima wanga ukugwedezeka. Ine ndinanyamula nsapato yanga, ndinathamanga kunyumba ndikukanyamulira pambedi wanga tsiku lonse. Zinali ngati ubongo wanga sungathe kupirira bwino maganizo. Monga momwe zinalili zotsutsana ndi dopamine. Pambuyo pake pamene ndinachira, ndinakumana ndi zofanana ndi izi nditatha kuvulala kwambiri. Sindikudziwa chomwe chinachitika mwazidziwitso koma kwa ine, chinali chitsimikizo chotsimikizirika cha momwe ndasokonezera mphotho ya ubongo wanga. Porn ndizovuta kwambiri.
Lero, ndakhala ndikuonera zolaula kwa zaka pafupifupi 2. Ndakhala ndikubwereranso kachiwiri ndipo kuchira nthawi zonse kumakhala zovuta. Koma zikondwerero zimakhala zovuta kwambiri monga zinalili nthawi yoyamba. Ndimapezanso kuti ndingathe kuseweretsa maliseche popanda zolaula kapena zokopa zina kupatulapo zithunzithunzi zapadera ndipo ziribe zotsatira zowononga. Chimene chimandichititsa kuganiza kuti cholinga chosachita maliseche (ie NoFap) ndi cholakwika. Mlingaliro langa, vuto silinena mwatsatanetsatane zokhudzana ndi maliseche, ndi za mphotho yowonjezera yomwe imadza ndi kukakamiza kwambiri (pakati pa zinthu zina). Tsopano ndimaganizira za ubongo wamakono omwe amakhala ngati ndalama. Ndalama zowonjezereka kuchokera ku mitundu yosiyanasiyana yosiyana ndizokhazikitsira moyo wathanzi wathanzi. Koma kutenga ngongole yaikulu yomwe simungakwanitse kuti mupeze chinachake chomwe chimabweretsa chisangalalo chachifupi koma chokwanira sichingakhale chopindulitsa. Mumalipira ngongoleyo ndi chidwi ndipo zingakulepheretseni. Muyenera kuyendetsa mankhwalawa mofanana. Moyo wosagwiritsidwa ntchito mopitirira muyeso ndi umodzi womwe mumapeza chisangalalo chanu kuchokera kumagulu osiyanasiyana. Ubongo wanu sulinso ndi gwero losasinthika la chisangalalo koma champhamvu kwambiri kotero ilo limayamba kuliyang'ana ilo mu malo ena. Icho chimachipeza icho mwa anthu, mu zokondweretsa, mu kuphunzira, mu maubwenzi, zenizeni, zenizeni, zogonana. Moyo wopanda chizoloŵezi ndi moyo womwe uli wolemba komanso wodzala mtundu. Ine sindikubwerera konse.
TL; DR - Sindiwonanso zolaula
LINK - Zina (motalika kwambiri) koma nkhani yosangalatsa yokhudzana ndi chizoloŵezi ndi mankhwala
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