Lero ndi Disembala 31, 2020 ndipo ndikutha kulemba nkhani yanga yobwezeretsa NoFap. Ndikumagwiritsa ntchito Eva Waka Chaka Chatsopano ndi msungwana wokongola yemwe ndakhala naye pachibwenzi ndipo ndikuganiza kuti ndibwino kuti nthawi ino tizigonana. Izi sizinali choncho ngakhale kwa moyo wanga wonse mpaka milungu ingapo yapitayo. Sindine zolaula komanso zolaula zomwe zimapangitsa kuti erectile iwonongeke masiku ano. Koma nayi nkhani ya momwe ndidafikira apa.
Ndili ndi zaka makumi awiri mphambu zisanu ndi chimodzi kutembenuza makumi awiri mphambu zisanu ndi ziwiri mu Januware. Monga ena ambiri omwe adatumizira Nowa nkhani zawo kapena omwe adalemba pamabwalo oyambiranso, ndine wazaka zikwizikwi yemwe adakumana ndi zolaula zapaintaneti ali wachinyamata. Ndikhoza kukhala wamtsogolo pambuyo panga ndikawona zolaula pa intaneti ndikukula chifukwa sindinachite mpaka nditakhala m'kalasi lachisanu ndi chitatu ndili ndi zaka 14. Sindimadziwa zomwe ndimachita. Ndinaganiza momwe ndingafufuzire atsikana amaliseche kenako ndikudzigwira mwangozi mpaka, mukudziwa. Kodi ndikadakhala kuti ndikubwera mwachilengedwe zaka zolaula za pa intaneti zisanachitike ndizomwe zinganditsogolere panjira yakuda mzaka zonse zakubadwa zanga komanso kupitilira zaka makumi awiri.
Ndinali nditapeza zolaula pa intaneti, ndipo nthawi ina ndinayamba kuseweretsa maliseche tsiku lililonse. Nthawi zina kangapo patsiku. Palibe chilichonse chovuta kwambiri (ngakhale kwa anthu ena chomwe chingakhale) koma ndikuyang'ana mmbuyo nditha kuwona momwe izi zidasokonezera kugonana kwanga. Sindinkafuna kumva za kulumikizana komanso kulumikizana komanso chilakolako pakati pa anthu awiri, koma ndimafuna kuti mtsikana aliyense akhale ndi luso kwambiri ndipo mtsikana aliyense anganene zonyansa kwambiri. Ndipo mwina chomwe chimandiwononga kwambiri chinali kufunitsitsa kutsegula ma tabu ambiri momwe angathere. Sizinali zokwanira. Sindinayambe ndagwiritsapo ntchito mankhwala osokoneza bongo kapena kumwa mowa mwamwayi, koma kuchokera pa zolaula zanga ndinazindikira kuti zizolowezi zotani ziyenera kukhala zotani. Sindinakhutire konse. Nthawi zonse kutsegula tabu yatsopano, kusaka china chake, kukulitsa mtima kwachangu, ndikusaka china chake. Kuwononga nthawi yochuluka kwambiri mukufufuza ndikukula. Nthawi zonse ndikudikirira pachimake mpaka nditapeza kanema kapena chithunzi chabwino. Ndikulumpha mozungulira makanema ndikulumikiza ubongo wanga kuti ungoyankha pamakona ena. Zonse zinali zodetsa kuyang'ana kumbuyo ndipo zidandithandizira kudzidalira komanso nkhawa zamagulu. Koma sindinadziwe bwino.
Ndinakulira makamaka amayi ndi agogo anga. Abambo anga anali pafupi koma ndili ndi zaka khumi ndi zinayi, anandiuza kuti anali achiwerewere. Makolo anga anali ndipo ndi makolo abwino, koma ngati mwana wachichepere wowongoka, ndimafunikiradi munthu wowongoka wachitsanzo pamoyo wanga. Pepani kwa ma SJWs onse mwina ndidangoyambitsa koma ichi chinali chidziwitso changa. Monga mwana wamwamuna wowongoka, ndimafuna wina woti andiuze momwe ndingakhalire bambo, momwe ndifunse mtsikana, momwe ndingachitire pa tsiku, momwe ndingakopere, momwe ndingakhalire wolimba mtima komanso momwe ndingachitire zinthu zonsezi. Amuna owongoka okha ndi omwe amaphunzira chifukwa tiyenera kuwaphunzira kuti tipeze anzathu omwe tikufuna. Amayi anga ankakonda kunena kuti "Ingokhalani abwino" komanso "Nthawi zonse muzilemekeza akazi". Izi ndi zinthu zomwe muyenera kuchita mwachidziwikire, koma sichoncho chirichonse muyenera kuchita kuti mupeze mtsikana. Ndipo ngati mwana wovuta kucheza ndi anthu sindimadziwa choti ndichite kapena momwe ndingachitire mozungulira azimayi.
Kusapezeka kwa bambo ndiye komwe kudandipangitsa kuti ndizizolowera PMO. Akazi anandisokoneza. Sindinadziwe momwe ndingayankhulire nawo kapena momwe angawapangitsire iwo kundiona ngati wokwatirana naye (kugwiritsa ntchito mawu a Darwin). Zotsatira zake, ndinakakamizika kuchotsa zaka zonse zaku sekondale komanso ku koleji ndizokopa zogonana. Kulemba kumeneku kumakhudza kwambiri mtima. onse a kusekondale yanga ndi zaka zakukoleji ndinali kujambula zolaula pa intaneti ndipo sindinali atsikana kwathunthu. Chabwino, ndinakwanitsa kupeza mtsikana mmodzi wotentha tsiku lotsatira nditamaliza sukulu ya sekondale, koma chifukwa chosowa kudzidalira komanso kusazindikira akazi omwe amangokhala pafupifupi milungu iwiri. Kaya anali msungwana uyu kapena enanso ambiri kapena mazana ena sindinayandikire amayi anga nthawi zonse amangoti "Simunakumanepo ndi woyenera" kapena mutu wina wa naïve womwe gulu limauza anyamata athu kuti aphunzitse iwo ngati amuna a beta.
Monga ndidanenera, ndidapita ku koleji komanso kusekondale wopanda atsikana. Nthawi zonse ndimakhulupirira kuti sindinakumanepo ndi choyenera. Ndikalankhula ndi mtsikana koma samandifuna, ndimadziuza kuti "Ndikuganiza kuti sakundikonda, palibe chomwe ndingachite!" Zokopa zakugonana pa intaneti ndizo zomwe zidadzaza chilakolako changa chogonana komanso chotengeka.
Zinthu zinayamba kuyenda bwino nditamaliza maphunziro anga kukoleji. Ndinakhala kunja kwa Thailand miyezi isanu ndi umodzi ndipo ndinali ndi zochitika zingapo zogonana. Ndinali kuphunzira kudzidalira komanso kutengapo gawo ndi amayi. Ndidafunsa okwatirana angapo ndipo ndidakwanitsa kuchita mwayi kangapo. Palibe zokumbukira zabwino kwambiri pomwe ndidakumana koyamba ndi PIED munthawi imodzi mwazimenezi. Chinthucho chinali panthawiyi, sindinatero mukudziwa inali PIED. Sindinazindikire kuti mbolo yanga imayenera kukhala yovuta mosavuta. Mosakayikira, atsikanawo sanakhale nthawi yayitali.
Ndinabwerera ku US ndipo ndinapita masiku angapo. Ambiri mwa iwo adanditaya pambuyo pa tsiku limodzi chifukwa sindimamvetsabe akazi. Omwe ndidagonana nawo ndidakhala nawo PIED pokhapokha atandipatsa mutu. Sindinazindikire kuti ndinali ndi vuto ngakhale chifukwa izi ndi zomwe ndimadziwa. Sindinadziwe kalikonse koma PIED chifukwa zolaula zinali zisanachitike. Atsikanawa omwe anali ndi chidwi ndi ine adanditaya atazindikira kuti dick wanga wasweka ndipo sindimadziwa kuti ichi chinali chifukwa chawo. Iwo anali olungama openga Ndinaganiza, Ndine chachikulu. Ndinali wopanda nzeru. Kunena zowona, sikuti mbolo yanga sinkagwira ntchito komanso ndinadziderera. Kuphatikiza apo, sindimamvetsetsa kukopana kapena kuchita zibwenzi, ndipo zonsezi zidapangitsa kuti azimayi azitha kukopa ine.
Podzitchinjiriza mng'ono wanga, sindinadziwe bwino. Palibe bambo weniweni amene amatanthauza kuti atsikanawo sanandikonde ndipo kusowa kwa abambo kunapangitsa anyamatawo kuti asandikonde chifukwa palibe amene adandiphunzitsa kusewera. Ndikayang'ana kumbuyo, ndikuganiza kuti ndinayenera kutenga njira yamdima ndi mpukutu womvetsa chisoni wa madontho a chilengedwe chonse. Ndikuganiza kuti zokumana nazozi zidandilimbitsa koma zidandipanga kuti ndikhale lero.
Ndinayamba NoFap pa 22 ndipo ndinali ndikuzimitsa ndi zopindika kwa zaka ziwiri kapena zitatu, osazitenga mozama mokwanira. Monga aliyense amene amayamba zinali zovuta. Ndinali wosuta mozama ndikuyang'ana kumbuyo. Ndinkangopita masiku angapo ubongo wanga usanandikakamize kuti ndigwire mbewa ndikutsegula ma tabu opanda malire azimayi opatsidwa bwino. Pang'onopang'ono zinakhala bwino, ndipo ndinachita zovuta. Izi sizinabwerenso ku PIED chifukwa ndinali ndisanazindikire kuti ichi chinali chinthu chifukwa sindinapeze atsikana, ndikungofuna kusiya chifukwa ndimatha kunena kuti zolaula zimasokoneza mutu wanga komanso chithunzi changa. Zolakalaka zimatha pang'onopang'ono, ndipo ndimapita mwezi umodzi kapena kupitilira apo popanda zolaula. Ndiloleni ndigogomeze momwe zimakhalira zovuta poyamba chifukwa ndinali wosuta.
Ndidayamba sukulu yamalamulo mu Kugwa kwa 2018 ndipo ndinali ndi 24 pano. Ndinali kukula pang'ono, ndinali ndi chidaliro chochuluka, ndipo ndimayamba mutu watsopano m'moyo wanga. Ndinali ndisanatulutse ziwanda zanga kwathunthu. Monga nkhani zonse zabwino, ndidakumana ndi mayi yemwe adandikakamiza kuchita izi.
Ndidakhala ndi nyumba ndipo tsiku lina ndikupita kusukulu, ndidazindikira msungwana yemwe amawoneka wokongola. Popeza ndinali ndikudzidalira koyamba m'moyo wanga, ndidayamba kucheza naye. Zikupezeka kuti anali mnansi wanga. Kukambiranako kunali kochepa koma kwa miyezi ingapo yotsatira ndinamudziwa pang'ono ndipo ndinayamba kumukonda kwambiri. Ndinali wosatetezeka komanso wosakhazikika pagulu, koma sizinali zowonekera panthawiyi, kotero ndinali ndi mwayi wokwanira kumukopa kuti adze kwa ine. Tsiku lina likuyandikira chaka chatsopano 2019 ndidamufunsa panjira kuchokera kusukulu ndipo amawoneka wachidwi ndi lingalirolo. Kuti ndipange nkhani yayitali komanso yopanda tanthauzo, ndidafikiratu tsikulo, ndidakhala ngati wotayika kwathunthu, ndipo ndidabwera woposa wamphamvu pang'ono. Ndizoseketsa poyang'ana m'mbuyo, koma ndinali wosweka mtima komanso wosokonezeka panthawi yoti bwanji safuna kupita tsiku lina ndi ine.
"Amandikonda!", Ndinaganiza. Kodi chikanatha kusokonekera kuyambira tsiku lisanafike tsiku lotsatira? Ndinali ndi atsikana ambiri onditaya panthawiyi m'moyo wanga koma uyu anali wosiyana. Zinkawoneka zolakwika kwambiri pamtima panga. Sindimaganiza kuti ndimukwatira msungwanayu kapena china koma chifukwa choti sindimatha kupangitsa mtsikanayo kuti apite naye pachibwenzi chachiwiri ndidamva zolakwika. Tinkakonda zinthu zofanana, ndipo ndimatha kudziwa kuti tinali nthabwala zomwezi komanso momwe timaonera moyo. Ndinawauza amayi anga za izi ndipo adandipatsa zomwezo "Nthawi zina sizingatheke" ndipo m'modzi mwa anzanga achimuna adati kwa ine "O, ndikulingalira kuti samangokhala mwa inu, zamanyazi bwanji!" Ndinkafuna kufuula kwambiri akandiuza zinthu izi. Ndinavomera yankho la mtsikana aliyense yemwe adanditaya, koma uyu amamva so cholakwika. Tidali ofanana, ndipo amandikonda kale! Ngati msungwana uyu, yemwe amandikonda ndipo ali wofanana kwambiri ndi ine samandikonda mokwanira kuti ndipite naye kokacheza kawiri, ndiye mtsikana uti ati apite? Ndinafunika kupanga kusintha kwakukulu kubwera mu 2019.
Kuti ndiyambe kusintha, ndidamaliza kuwerenga mawebusayiti ojambula ndikuwonera njira zawo za YouTube. Kwa nthawi yoyamba m'moyo wanga, ndimayamba kumvetsetsa momwe azimayi amaganizira komanso zomwe amayang'ana mwa mamuna. Nthawi zonse ndimalankhula za chibwenzi moyenera. Ngati amandikonda, amandikonda ndipo mosemphanitsa. Sindinamvetsetse kuti azimayi sanakopeke ndi mawonekedwe okha ngati amuna komanso kuti amatha kuseweredwa mwa kukopana, kusewera molimbika, komanso pochita ngati munthu wolimba mtima, wotsimikiza. Izi zikuwoneka zowoneka bwino tsopano, koma sindinamvetsetse momwe amayi amapezera zibwenzi panthawiyo.
Sindingayankhe zambiri pankhani yakunyamula popeza iyi ndi nkhani yokhudza kuchira kwa PMO wanga. Ndinasiya PMO pamlingo wina nditangoyamba kunyamula ndipo ndinabwereranso chifukwa sindinapeze atsikana miyezi isanu ndi iwiri yoyambirira. Pambuyo pa miyezi isanu ndi iwiri mu masewerawa ngakhale ndidayamba kunyamula atsikana ndikuwakokera kunyumba. Zinali zodabwitsa! Ndinachoka polephera kupeza atsikana aliwonse kusekondale komanso ku koleji kuti ndikhoze kunyamula mtsikana akuyenda mumsewu. Yandikirani, kukopana naye, kumuseka, kumukopa, kukhazikitsa tsiku, kupita tsiku, kumuyitanira kunyumba, ndipo… anali. Ndinakwanitsa kukoka atsikana angapo ndipo poyamba ndinagonana, koma sindinathe 'kukhala wolimba ndi kondomu. Sindikumva kuti ndadzutsidwa mokwanira. Ndinayamba kuganiza kuti china chake sichili bwino.
Kenako COVID zidachitika ndipo ndidayamba kutsekeredwa mkati monga dziko lonse lapansi ndikupita koyenda pang'ono kwa milungu ingapo. Nditatuluka, ndinapita masiku ena ndipo sindinathe kuzipeza. Zinali zogwiritsira ntchito zolaula ndipo tsopano ndinali ndikuyamba kuda nkhawa kwambiri za kugonana chifukwa ndinazindikira kuti ndinali ndi vutoli. Ndinabweretsa mtsikana wina kunyumba kuti ndiyese izi mu Julayi 2020 ndipo ndinalibenso moyo kumeneko. Zinali zochititsa manyazi ngati momwe zimakhalira nthawi zonse. Ndinadziwa kuti ndikufunika kuyambiranso. Palibe zolaula, kuseweretsa maliseche, komanso zovuta zochepa.
Ndinayamba kuyambiranso nthawi yomwe ndinakumana ndi mtsikana. Tinkalumikizana poyamba ndipo ndimadziwa kuti amafuna kuti ndizigonana naye. Ndikanapewa chifukwa cha mantha a PIED yanga. Nditha kudziwa pomwe tikulumikizana, sindinali choncho. Zomwe FUCK yalakwitsa ndi ine, ndinadzifuula ndekha m'mutu mwanga. Ndasweka! Ubongo wanga unali wosokonekera kwambiri kuyambira zaka za PMO ndipo sindinadziwe zenizeni zogonana. Pakadali pano ndimatha kukopa azimayi ndikuwapangitsa kuti azigonana nane. Nditha kuwanyamula pamsewu. Koma sindinasangalale nazo kapena kukhala ovuta mokwanira kuti ndigone nawo. Ndinali wojambula yemwe samatha kugonana! Ndizovuta bwanji 22. Iyi inali nthawi yowopsa kwambiri m'moyo wanga, ndimaganiza kuti ndidzasweka kwamuyaya.
Zinali miyezi ingapo kuti ndiyambirenso ndisanauze mtsikana yemwe ndimamuwona. Usikuuno, mokhumudwa adati "Tigonana!" Sindinathe kumubisiranso ndipo ndinamuuza za PIED yanga. Anali womvetsetsa modabwitsa. Ndinali nditauza mtsikana wina kale ndipo anali atakwiya modabwitsa. Ndinamasulidwa kuti anali bwino ndi izi. Tinayesera kugonana kangapo, koma sindinathe kupitiriza kukonzekera. Izi zinali zofooketsa ndipo ndimafuna kufuula kuti nditulutse mkwiyo wanga wonse wogonana womwe ndidatembereredwa kunyamula.
Pambuyo pa miyezi itatu wopanda PM komanso ochepa Os, ndimaganiza kuti ndikhala motere kwamuyaya, koma ine ndi bwenzi langa timangolumikizana ndipo zinthu zimawoneka pang'onopang'ono. Ndidayamba kudzuka kwambiri ndipo mbolo yanga imatha kukhala yolimba ndikukhala olimba mosavuta momwe ndimamvera kudzera mu jeans yanga. Ndinali wamantha kuchita zogonana nthawi zina tinkangolumikizana. Patatha pafupifupi miyezi inayi, tidagonana popanda kondomu komwe ndimatha kukhala olimba. Pambuyo pake ndinapita mofewa koma uku kunali kuwonetsa koyamba za kugonana komwe ndidakhala nako m'moyo wanga.
Ndinapita ku hibernation kwa masabata pafupifupi 2-3 pamapeto pake ndipo pang'onopang'ono ndinayamba kumva kuti ubongo wanga ukulakalaka thupi la chibwenzi changa komanso ukazi wake nditatha kugonana kwenikweni. Pakatikati pa Disembala 2020, nditatha kumaliza, ndidapita komwe adakhala ndipo tidayamba kulumikizana. Ndinali horny ndipo ndimatha kumverera momwe ndinaliri wokhudzidwa. Mwachibadwa ndimadziwa kuti nditha kugonana. Tidavala kondomu, ndipo popanda zovuta zambiri tidagonana. Tinagonana, ndinakhala wolimba, sindinachedwe mwachangu, zinali zabwino. Tachita izi katatu tsopano. Ndikumva momwe izi zasinthira ine monga munthu. Ndikumva ngati munthu koyamba m'moyo wanga.
Monga ndidanenera koyambirira, ndikupita kunyumba kwake usikuuno ndipo ndikumulakalaka. Sindikuganiza kuti ndidzakhala ndi vuto lokhala naye. Unali ulendo wautali kuti ndigonjetse vutoli lomwe limasautsa moyo wanga kuyambira ndili ndi zaka khumi ndi zinayi, koma ndikuganiza kuti ndadutsa. Kuledzera kumeneku sikungokhudze kugonana kwanga koma umunthu wanga wonse. Zinandipangitsa kukhala wamantha komanso wamanyazi. Ndili wokondwa kwambiri kuthana ndi zovuta zambiri zomwe PMO adandiyikira. Pali zambiri pankhaniyi kuposa zomwe ndidalemba pano koma izi ndizofunikira.
Kwa aliyense amene akukumana ndi nkhondoyi, muyenera kudziwa ngati ndingathe kuchira kuchokera ku PMOing kwa zaka khumi ndisanachitike chilichonse chogonana, inunso mutha. Malangizo omwe ndikadakhala nawo ndikusiya PMOing onse palimodzi momwe mungafunire. Ngati muli ngati ine, zidzafunika masiku opitilira 90 momwe ubongo wanga udalumikizidwira ma pixels pazenera. Mudzakhala opanda chiyembekezo nthawi zina kuti simudzakhalanso bwino mukamakhala ndi nthawi yayitali pomwe mumakayikira ngati mungadzakumanenso ndi chilakolako chogonana. Koma mudzatero. Ntchitoyi imatenga nthawi. Osakhala PMO, ndipo, ngati mungathe, pezani msungwana woti mukambirane naye. Komanso, ngati mudzayambiranso pomwe mukuyambiranso sikumapeto kwa dziko lapansi. Ndimakhala Med kangapo, ndimakhala ndi zipsinjo zochepa kuchokera kwa bwenzi langa, ndipo ndimayang'ana zolaula kamodzi, ngati simulola kuti zinthu izi zichoke m'manja mukhala bwino. Mukamasiya izi msanga ubongo wanu umatha kubwereranso ndikubwerera ku chilengedwe chake komwe mumakhumba ndikukonzekera msungwana weniweni. Mudzasilira mtsikana weniweni komanso kugonana kwenikweni, osati chithunzi kapena kanema kapena chithunzi chojambulidwa pa intaneti. Mudzasilira mtsikana weniweni komanso chilakolako chomwe ali nacho pa inu.
Sindikudziwa komwe ndingatumize izi popeza sindinathe kudziwa momwe ndingapange akaunti ya Reboot Nation, koma ndiyitumiza kwa Noah. Zikomo kwa Nowa, kwa Gabe Deem, komanso kumadera a Reboot ndi NoFap. Kugonana kwanga ndikofunika kuposa ndalama zonse zapadziko lapansi kwa ine. Ndikumva ngati 2021 ndi chaka choyamba kuti ndidzakhale moyo wanga.
Wanu Weniweni Kwambiri,
kuwalandira pomwepo
;