[Dziwani: musayese izi kunyumba, ana.]
Izi ndi izi. Lero ndi tsiku langa la 90th. Masabata khumi ndi atatu, kapena kutha kokwanira. Sindinaganizepo kuti ndingafike apa. Whew.
Izi sizikutanthauza kutsatsa kapena kukopa aliyense kuti atsatire mayendedwe anga, makamaka ngati ndinu wachinyamata. Ophunzira kusukulu, izi si zanu ayi. Palibe aliyense wa inu amene angafunike, chifukwa zimatenga zaka ndi zaka kuti zizikhala zoyipa monga momwe ndimakhalira ndi zolaula. Kwa aliyense wa iwo omwe ndi okalamba ndipo adalimbana ndi vuto lanthawi yayitali, lomwe limasintha moyo wanga monga momwe ndakhalira, werengani. Zitha kukhala mwatsatanetsatane.
Ndinali woledzera kwambiri kuposa onse omwe ndakumanapo nawo. Pazaka zapakati pa 6-7 zapitazo, oledzera amatha kukambirana za maola ochuluka pa sabata omwe takhala tikugwiritsa ntchito zolaula. Chiwerengero changa chinali mozungulira maola 28-35 pa sabata. Ndizo pafupifupi maola 4-6 usiku, usiku wonse mu sabata, perekani kapena kutenga. Imeneyi inali ntchito yanthawi zonse. Ndipo sizowerengera nthawi za 2011-12 pomwe ndimayamba kugwiritsa ntchito mankhwala osokoneza bongo komanso kuchita zolaula zothamanga / ma edging okhala maola 36 molunjika. Ndikutanthauza, kukhala pamenepo ndili ndi Dick wanga m'manja mpaka maso anga atatsala pang'ono kutuluka magazi. Zinafika poipa kwambiri.
Aliyense pano amene akudziwa zovuta zakukonzekera amatha kulingalira zomwe ndimadzichitira. Ubongo wanga udasokonekera. Ndinkadziwa kuti zolaula zinali zoipa kwa ine, kuwononga nthawi, kuyankha kusakhala ndimacheza, ndi zina zambiri koma sindinadziwe konse momwe zimasokonekera ndimphamvu zanga zogwirira ntchito m'maganizo mpaka ndidakumana ndi YBR koyambirira ' 14. Kenaka ndinapeza ubongo wa ubongo ndipo mwadzidzidzi mavuto anga ambiri anali omveka. Ndinakumana ndi malingaliro posakhalitsa ndipo ndinapeza kuti zathandiza ndi ubongo wa ubongo. Koma monga munthu aliyense wokonda mankhwala osokoneza bongo, ndikangopeza china choti ndithandizire pazovuta zanga, ndimangolimbikira. "Palibe chifukwa chodera nkhawa za utsi wamaubongo, ndikhoza kusinkhasinkha kwa ola limodzi pambuyo pa kumwa mowa mwauchidakwa kwa ola limodzi lino." Ndipo zidapita.
Ndinaphunzira zaka zisanu zapitazo za zifukwa zaumoyo / zamaganizidwe zosiya zolaula koma sindinathe kusiya. Ndinkadziwanso PIED ndi mfundoyi, yomwe idandipweteka chifukwa ndinazindikira kuti ndakhala nayo pamlingo winawake mwina mwina mochedwa '90s-early' 00s. Ndinayesera kusiya… mwa apo ndi apo. Nthawi zambiri, ndimayesetsa kuyimitsa ndikulephera ndikatha tsiku limodzi kapena awiri. Zinali zopanda chiyembekezo, ndinalibe mphamvu. Zinali zomvetsa chisoni ndipo ndinamva chisoni. Ndinasiya kuyankhula ndi azimayi chifukwa ndimadziwa kuti sindingathe kuzimva ngati kukopana kumapita kulikonse. M'malo mwake, ngati mkazi amandikopa, ndimathawa kuopa kuti angadziwe.
Chifukwa chake sindinakhalepo pachibwenzi ndi aliyense mzaka khumi. Ndipo msungwana womaliza yemwe ndidakhala naye pachibwenzi, tidakhala limodzi zaka zitatu ndipo sitinagonanepo, ngati mungakhulupirire zimenezo. Ndipo ndinali ndisanakhalepo ndi aliyense zaka khumi zisanachitike, zomwe zikutanthauza kuti nthawi yomaliza yomwe ndinagonana zaka makumi awiri zapitazo.
Mulungu, chisokonezo chomwe ndidapanga moyo wanga, makamaka moyo wanga wogonana. Palibe kugonana kwenikweni, kungochita zolaula zomwe mumalowa mutatsegula zolaula zolaula.
Zaka zingapo zapitazo, ndimanena zonsezi kuti ndichepetse. Monga ngati PIED sichichititsa manyazi mokwanira pamene inu nokha ndiye mukudziwa, ndizochititsa manyazi kuvomereza kwa munthu wina yemwe akukufunsani chifukwa chake mwapewa chibwenzi. Anadabwa. "Zili bwanji, podziwa kuti wadzichitira wekha?" adatero. “Ndiwonetsero, amuna. Zithunzi zolaula zawononga moyo wanga. ” Amandidzudzula: "Mukutanthauza, mwawononga moyo wanu ndi zolaula." KUPITSA. Ndinkadzikana ndekha chifukwa cha udindo wanga pamavuto anga. Zinatenga nthawi yayitali kuti zitheke.
Komabe, ndinayesetsa kuti ndisiye zolaula kamodzi mumwezi wabuluu. Nthawi ina, ndidakwanitsa kukhala mwezi wopanda. Ndinawauza kuti, "Ndizoseketsa, chifukwa tsopano popeza sindikuwonanso zolaula, ndili wosungulumwa kuposa kale, kuyambira kusekondale." Ndipo amandidzudzula mwachangu, "KAPENA, kapena mwina mwakhala muli osungulumwa nthawi yonseyi ndipo mumangozimitsa ndi zolaula."
BUKU.
Sindimuiwala atanena izi chifukwa zinali zowona. Mwamuna, sindinadziwane ndekha kuti ndinali wosungulumwa kwazaka makumi awiri ndipo sindimadziwa. Ndinadzipatula ndekha komanso anthu ena nthawi yayitali izi zisanachitike koma ndizotheka kunena kuti zolaula zimathandizira kudzipatula nthawi yayikulu. Monga vuto lililonse. Palibe abwenzi, palibe abwenzi. Zithunzi zolaula. Ndikuganiza kuti ndizotetezeka ndidatenga zovuta zanga ndikuchulukitsa 10x pazaka ndi zaka za ubongo waubongo.
Koma ndinabwerera ku zolaula. Kudziwa za nofap ndi lupanga lakuthwa konsekonse chifukwa mukadziwa zomwe mukuchita nokha mukamatha, zimangowonjezera nkhawa komanso kudziimba mlandu. Ndipo timagwedezeka kuti tithane ndi zinthu monga kuda nkhawa komanso kudziimba mlandu. Ndipo zowona kuti ndi zinthu zazithunzithunzi, zinthu zonse zomwe zimapangidwa kuti zizisowetsa kudzidalira kwanu… ndizosangalatsa. Mukudziwa kuti mukudandaula nokha. Ndipo mukudziwa kuti mwakhala mukudzidzimva nokha kwazaka zambiri, kapena kwa ine zaka zambiri, ndikuyendetsa zinthu izi muubongo wanu mobwerezabwereza. Pamapeto pake mumataya mtima.
Ndipo ndichoseketsa pamizere yayitali yopanda zolaula, ndipamene mukaswa chingwecho ndiye mumadzavutika kwambiri, sichoncho? Palibe amene amaswa mphindi zisanu ndi chimodzi ndikubwezeretsanso kwa mphindi 15; mukuganiza kuti, "Popeza ndikuphwanya mzere wanga, ndikhoza kupita njira yonse" ndikupanga kwa maola asanu kapena china chilichonse. Kutulukapo, zidakwa ndi mankhwala osokoneza bongo ali chimodzimodzi ndi zizolowezi zawo. Oledzera samangokhala ndi mowa umodzi ukangobwereranso, ali ndi zaka 18. Ndi njira yomweyo.
Chifukwa chake ndidakhala wopanda chiyembekezo pankhaniyi. Adakwanitsa mwezi umodzi kangapo. Adapanga miyezi iwiri kamodzi. Kenako adagwa nthawi yayitali pambuyo pa mzere uliwonse. Potsirizira pake mumasiya chifukwa mukudziwa kuti simudzatha. Kuphatikiza apo, masiku angapo oyambilira nthawi zonse amakhala ovuta kwambiri chifukwa ndipamene ubongo wanu umangoyenda mozungulira ndi mankhwala onse omwe mwatulutsa ndi zolaula. Ndiye bwanji mukudzipanikiza masiku angapo oyambawa mobwerezabwereza? Nthawi zonse zolaula zikafika, ndimangodzipereka. Ndinazindikira kuti ndikulowerera. Osatinso kulimbana nayo, ili ndi mphamvu zonse pa ine, ntchito yake ndiyotani. Ndifa ndekha, monga momwe ndakhalira. Ndipo ndani amasamala, sizowopsa ngati wina wotayika wakufa amwalira yekha. Otayika otayika amakhala okha nthawi zonse.
Awa ndi malo oyipa kukhalapo.
Ndikhoza kunena kuchokera pazochitikira tsopano, ndizosavuta kukhala miyezi itatu kuchokera pa zolaula zanu zomaliza kuposa masiku atatu, ndizowona. Chifukwa mulibe zolandilira zonse za D2 kapena chilichonse choyandama m'mutu mwanu miyezi itatu. Kangapo, ndinakwanitsa milungu iwiri, kutalika kokwanira kuti ndipeze T-spike, koma amenewo anali ochepa komanso ochepa.
Patapita nthawi, ndinafika poti ndinasiya kumenyanako. Zinali zopanda pake. Ndinkakhala ndi PIED ndipo ndimayenera kuyima ngati ndikanafunanso kulingalira za maubwenzi, koma ndiyenera kutenga miyezi itatu kuchokera ku zolaula ngati ndingabwezeretse tambala wanga ndipo palibe njira yomwe inali zichitika. Zinali zosatheka. Ndinali ndi nkhawa zambiri zokhudzana ndi kuyang'ana zolaula panthawiyi, chifukwa ndimadziwa kuti zimatanthauza kukulitsa mavuto ndikuwonjezera moyo wanga. Mukadziwa zomwe mukuchita nokha ndi izo, zomwe zimachitika pakuwona zolaula ndizokhumudwitsa. Ndinu otopetsa komanso okhumudwa nthawi yomweyo.
Ndiwo matenda ambiri am'mitsempha omwe amalowetsa m'thupi lanu.
Ndipo mumaziwona ndi anyamata ena ambiri, kapena mwina mumakonda kuchita tumblr, anyamata awa omwe amatenga mawu achikazi ndi mainawo amanyoza wowonera chifukwa chokhala ndi PIED komanso kukhala wopanda ntchito kwa mkazi. Ndipo adziwa chifukwa akudziseka okha, achotsa kudzidalira kwawo. Mwamuna, ndizomvetsa chisoni kuyang'ana ndipo ndizomvetsa chisoni kuti uzipitilira.
Panali pomwe pomwe ndinkaganiza mwanthabwala kuti ndiyambitse tsamba la tumblr pomwe ndimadzakhala katswiri wazamaganizidwe opereka chithandizo kwa anthu onsewa ndi masamba awo azithunzithunzi, kuwafunsa momwe adakhalira ndi kudzidalira komwe kudawapangitsa kuti azigwirana ndi zoyipa zina zonse. Chifukwa chowonadi chaku tumblr ndikuti masamba onsewo amayenera kupendedwa ndi anthu omwe amafufuza zingapo zamakanema kapena makanema azolaula tsiku lililonse. Tonsefe timadziwa zomwe zimachita ndi ubongo wanu. Koma zonse zavekedwa mwanjira zokongola za tumblr kuti ziwoneke ngati dziko losangalala, losangalatsa.
Ndidazindikira zaka zingapo zapitazo kuti pomwe mumayang'ana tsamba la winawake, zinali ngati mukuwerenga buku lodzipweteketsa, onse atavala fumbi. Mitunduyi yonse idapangidwa kuti iwoneke ngati yosangalatsa koma mbali ina ya chinsalu ndi munthu womvetsa chisoni yemwe amadziponyera yekha mkuiwalika mnyumba ya studio.
Chifukwa chake ndidasiya kalekale chiyembekezo chodzatuluka mu izi. Koma pafupifupi miyezi isanu ndi umodzi yapitayo, ndidapeza zomwe zasintha zonse. Pakumapeto kwa masewera anga (ndili ndi zaka 45), ndili ndi mwayi wina.
Ndidawerenga za anthu omwe amayenda ndi ma psychedelics osokoneza bongo komanso kukhumudwa. Sindinachitepo zama psychedelics m'mbuyomu koma monga mungadziwire kuchokera pamwambapa, ndinali wokhumudwa kotero kuti ndinali wokondwa kumvetsetsa udzu uliwonse womwe ungandithandize. Chifukwa chake ndidasanthula mankhwala ofufuza, ma analogs a psilocybin. Anthu ena amawagwiritsa ntchito microdose koma ndimayamba kumwa minyewa yabwinobwino pafupifupi miyezi sikisi yapitayo. Ndimayesa RC imodzi kenako ina kuti ndiwone zovuta zawo.
Usiku wina, ndinapeza chinthu chachikulu. Ndinatenga RC inayake kenako ndikuganiza zokaonera zolaula. Zomwe zidandidetsa nkhawa, ndidadzipeza ndekha - kwa nthawi yoyamba m'moyo wanga - kutsekedwa kwathunthu ndi zolaula zomwe ndimayang'ana. Ulendo usanayambike, ndimatsegula ma zolaula onsewa, ndikutsitsa fayilo yayikulu yolaula, ndipo pomwe ndimayamba kuyang'ana zonse, zidakhala zosakopa komanso zopandukira. Sindikulankhula zakugonjetsedwa ndikudzimvera chisoni pankhaniyi, ndikutanthauza kunyansidwa nako ngakhale nditagonana. Ndinayamba kufunafuna zolaula zina zomwe zitha kupusitsa koma palibe chomwe chinagwira ntchito. Pokhapokha ulendo utatha ndidazindikira kuti ndidapunthwa:
Mankhwala omwe amathandiza ndi zolaula.
Pa nthawiyo ndinali pa RCs ziwiri, choncho zinanditengera kanthawi pang'ono kuti ndisiwe amene wachita chinyengo. Koma ndidazindikira miyezi itatu yapitayo. Miyezi itatu yapitayo, ndidakhala pansi ulendo watsiku lomwelo utatha ndikuti, "Ndisiya zolaula tsopano." Ndipo ndidatero. Aliyense amene akuwerengabe panthawiyi amvetsetsa kuti ndizovuta bwanji kukhala ndi chizolowezi cholaula, osangokhala wina m'mutu mwanga. Ndanena, "Ndisiya kuyang'ana zolaula tsopano" kangapo miliyoni ndipo nthawi iliyonse ndimabwerera ku zolaula. Ndinalibe ulamuliro, wopanda chochita. Izi zidandipatsa zonse ziwiri.
Ndipo chinthu choseketsa chidachitika. Sikuti ndinangosiya kuyang'ana zolaula, ndinasiya kupita kumawebusayiti andale (kapena twitter) omwe adapangidwa kuti azikukhumudwitsani nthawi zonse kuti musabwererenso. Ndikuganiza kuti pali kulumikizana kosadziwika pakati pa zolaula ndi 'zolaula,' zikuwoneka kuti zimayambitsa magawo ofanana aubongo, ngakhale m'njira zosiyanasiyana. Osati zokhazo, koma ndakhala wokangalika kwambiri pagulu, wosamala, woganizira, mayadi asanu ndi anayi onsewa. Tsoka ilo sindine m'modzi mwa ana awa omwe mumawawona kuno, "Ndasiya kuseweretsa maliseche kwa milungu iwiri ndipo tsopano ndili pachibwenzi ndi wokondedwa wanga!" Ndikulakalaka ndikadakhala koma ndidakali m'gobolomo nditero. Kuthetsa kusalongosoka kwathetsedwa, sililinso vuto. Koma kuchita nawo zikhalidwe pambuyo pa zaka zambiri za moyo wanga wakale ndizosasangalatsa ndipo pamafunika khama kuti ndidzichotsere chipolopolo changa. Izi zikubwera, komabe. Ndikumva ngati ndili ndi panganoli pa moyo wanga, ngakhale ndili ndi manyazi ndi moyo womwe ndimakhala nawo ndikudandaula kuti mkazi aliyense yemwe angandiyambe adzasowa chonena ndi kunyozedwa chifukwa chakusowa kwanga moyo. Ndikutanthauza, ndilibe chidziwitso chamoyo chifukwa ngakhale anthu ena azaka zanga anali kupita kumakonsati ndi maphwando, kukwera mapiri ndi kusambira pamadzi, kukhazikitsa ntchito ndikulera mabanja, ndakhala zaka XNUMX zapitazi ndikuyang'ana zolaula. Ndili ndi malingaliro amenewo kumbuyo kwa malingaliro anga tsiku lonse ndipo zikuphwanya koma kodi mukuchita chiyani. Osachepera ndapeza mwayi wachiwiri pano. Chifukwa chake tiwona zomwe ndichita nayo.
tl; dr
-Loner amayamba moyo wake ndi zolaula
-Apereka mpaka kuyesa kumenya chiwerewere
-Amayang'ana pamankhwala ochita kafukufuku omwe amasamala za zolaula komanso zinthu zambiri zomwe zidayambitsa chizolowezi ichi
-Kukonda masiku a 90 zolaula ngati lero
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