Age 37 - Still a virgin
[This man was hooked on porn for twenty years, and was still a virgin when he wrote this. Six months later, he lives with a woman, and she recently wrote how much she appreciates his strong leadership and wisdom.]
I found this site about a year ago. I still am unsure why I decided to quit using porn. It just struck me one day that I needed to stop. I had tried to stop before. Well not really tried to stop. I tried to stop visiting porn sites. I had a large collection of porn. I figured I had enough.
Well every time I tried to quit the sites I could not. I would go a week maybe two. I think even a month or so once. I was still using my saved porn and a lot of fantasy during those times of trying to quit visiting porn sites.
I had always used fantasy. But now I needed that, what I know now as novelty, that extra something. I needed more. I did not really see it at the time. I "knew" it but did not really think about it. My mind was always hungry for more. I would click through images on sites endlessly for hours trying to find that perfect image. I never found it, but it was not from lack of trying. I would just go till I could not hold out any longer. Some times it would be just the one orgasm. Sometimes I would after hours of looking and holding off go for several. I experienced that extreme dopamine high and then very hard crash. Having that dopamine surge for hours and hours would just cause intense cravings for orgasm most of the time after finally giving in.
Then, I decided to go without any porn. I made it a day or so I think. Then after giving in to masturbation and orgasm (using fantasy) I was back to needing that porn high again. I knew then that I had a problem. I knew I needed to try and stop it all. Not sure how I knew. I just knew. I just woke after all of this one day and decided I would go without masturbation or porn. Amazingly, I made it 7 days on that first try.
I made a few tries that first couple of months. I did OK really. I did not think so at the time, but looking back I was expecting too much too soon. I just did not realize how much work and effort was before me. Not to scare anyone trying to quit porn. It can be done. It just takes hard work and determination. It is worth it.
Back to my story. One day I just lost control and did not log back on to this site for months. My last post was even positive sounding. It is sad and scary looking back at that post. But something sparked in my mind. I went searching for something. I found domination hypnosis. I fell even harder into my addiction. I did not think that was possible. Well it was. It was very bad for a few months.
I finally broke free of the hypnosis, but not until I found myself paying to have my brain hypnotized to react sexually to certain cues given to me under hypnosis.
I have no idea how, but I went straight from the chat room talking to the hypnodomme and the other guys there to logging on here. I have never been back to the hypno site. I am very proud of that. I will admit to thoughts of going back and explaining where I went and why.
As far as using porn again since, well I did do that. I lost control many times over the next few months after coming back here. I kept at it though. With all the support from the site I managed to get stronger. It got easier the more I kept at the resisting. I had much help along the way. I would not have made it as far as I am without this site. I would not even be close to healing without the people here. I would still be stuck in the depths of my addiction. I really never understood what I was dealing with till I found this site.
It hurts to see how much damage I did to my life with porn, masturbation, orgasm, and fantasy. I am healing now though. I look forward to a day when I will have my life back in much better order. I am as of today 80 days without viewing porn. I never thought I could go that long just a few months ago. I was in such pain and agony with withdrawals from porn and orgasm. It was just awful. I have been without withdrawals for awhile now. I am 28 days without orgasm or masturbation. I have only had 5 orgasms in the last 80 days or so. Again, I never thought I could do something like that. I have gone many days without any. I was at a point where before this I would have more than 5 a day on some days, on many days actually. I feel that I am past that.
I will also say that my urges and cravings are way down. Very rare for them to get to a 5 or better out of 10. Most of the time it is 2 or 3, and I have even started having time where they are pretty much 0. I am no where near clear, but I am much better. It is much easier. I have also learned from this site to be very mindful of myself. To not let the success go to my head (either one :-)). I need to be careful and always watchful for that addicted mind's thoughts. I do not fear it as such any more. I am just aware of the thoughts when they appear. I did spend some time being afraid of those thoughts. I wanted to run from them. I am now much better at just ignoring them when they appear. Not accepting them, but accepting that they are there and just ignoring them, without the fear. Fear can boost the addicted thoughts. It is hard to conquer that fear. It can be done though.
I am not far enough along to be called healed from this addiction. I am not sure you every really get past an addiction. You can beat it though. You can win control of your life back from an addiction. It is a struggle and I am learning that you deal with it every day. It gets easier though. It has gotten easier. I am sure it will get easier as time goes on. I know it will get easier. There is always a chance for relapse or triggers to set you off.
I have learned one thing. Never give up. Even with a relapse learn from it and continue to resist. Resist as much as you can. That ability to resist will increase and get stronger over time. Just never give up or give up on yourself. As long as you do that you will be OK. I know how hard it is and how much it hurts at times. It hurts so much. As I was fond of saying it just sucks at times. It really does. No way around it. It is all worth it though.
I have learned a lot about myself. I am now moving my life forward. I am getting out more and meeting people. I have joined Toastmasters to try and get myself through some of my anxieties. I would never have done that while still caught in the addiction. I am going back to school. I am not sure where that will lead but I know it will be a better place than I have been.
I am taking control of my life back. It feels good. Even if I do not do "great" things. I can be proud of what I have done to break free of this addiction. I can be proud of taking back control of my life. I can be happy. I may not be completely there yet but I can see that light at the end of the tunnel now.
I have not posted a blog entry in months. I have had a lot of changes since my last entry in my blog. I guess I will jump into a few things quickly.
I see a lot of new names on the site now. I see a few that I know as well. For those that put up with my whining and despair and kept pushing me thank you. All of my pain and fighting with my addiction and mental mess has made a big leap forward. Learning to deal with my porn addiction and masturbation addiction allowed me to receive someone in my life. Yes I am in a relationship with a wonderful women.
For those that read my blogs can probably remember how much I beat myself up because of my addictions and never having had a girl friend and being a virgin at 37. I let being a virgin just eat at me so much. I am no longer a virgin now. Me and my partner are trying to practice karezza. So far I Think we are doing well with it. It is getting easier not to think of Orgasm as the goal. I can see getting to that point now after this week. I think it understandable that I was having difficulty with that at first Smiling. This week was much better. A session lasting for a couple hours and ending with not wanting an O was an amazing experience. Actually have had several long sessions without O and it does feel very good and the mood and feelings stay with me/us. I think that is it for that part for now. I will try to post some more about our experience with Karezza later.
On the addiction side. I have had no solo O in about 78 days. I do not see having one any time in the near future either. Also porn is out of the picture and not even difficult to stay away from now. I do not even think about it much any more if at all. Only time really is reading here about it or hearing stuff at work (no way it will not come up working around a bunch of guys I suppose). So I have viewed porn 6 times in about 10 and a half months and for a total of less then 2 hours over that time. I feel more today like someone who does not view porn rather than a porn addict that is just not watching it. Sounds like a small difference but it really is a huge step in breaking the addiction. So I am no longer thinking of myself as a porn addict and as of now have no desire to view it. Masturbation is a little more tricky. I am not having trouble not masturbating but I do get urges and desires to do so. Lots of cuddling and touching of all kinds helps with that. Orgasm is a lot more tricky. I conditioned my brain to want O very much. So when sexual excitement starts it is still very strong desire at the start. The need for O is getting less now but still strong. The desire is getting easier to deal with the more we practice Karezza. Again will try to blog on it more sometime soon.
Thanks for helping me get through my addiction and start to learning how to deal with my mental hang ups. I still have a long way to go with some of my mental messes but my partner is helping very much with that. Did I mention how wonderful a person she is ? I think I am one of the luckiest guys alive. I did not think I could find someone so perfect a match for me. We connect on so many things and levels it is amazing. Well she is not crazy about most movies and she does not like some of the hard rock I listen to but I will let her slide on those couple of things. We are very good for each other. We are living together and supporting each other with as much healthy life choices as possible. Just one aspect to give an example is eating healthy. I know I talked about diet in my blog before and many others have talked about compulsions being linked together. A good diet I still believe is one of the best things to help with addiction. It is not always easy to do and can get frustrating at times. In the area we are in we have visit about 4 or 5 different stores in the area to get the organic produce we need. I do not care what anyone says about eating organic or not. I know how much better I feel with my new diet and can tell the difference and think it is completely worth the effort and expense to continue eating the way I am now.
Last thing for now. I have been all over the country the last 6 months or so. Having done very little travel before this year that is a major change. I have been on 3 vacations so far and plan on another before the end of the year. I feel much less stuck than I did even 6 months ago.
So much in my life has changed since I arrived 1 and a half years ago. Waking up one day and deciding that I just needed to quit porn and masturbation and not really knowing why I wanted to. I just knew I wanted and needed to. It has been a long road but in a strange kind of way I think I am ok with the whole journey even the stuff I would lable as bad. Again I still have things I am working on and I still suffer social phobia but I will get through that as well.
4 yearS later
[They are still together and have moved into a new place.]