After failing over and over again for as long as two years, I finally reached the 90 day milestone! My life has changed so much that I decided to reflect back on my teenage years to share how I was before porn, during and after. It will be a long read, but in my opinion my story should give hope.
I will tell you how a popular happy, maybe chick magnet, kid turned into a fat foreveralone teenager in highschool whose life completely collapsed because of porn. No attention from girls, extreme shyness and terrible grades were one of the things I had to deal with everyday. However I will first describe what kind of person I was before porn, because I believe that’s the person you’ll eventually turn into again after you’re no longer addicted.
If you’re not interested in the first part, just read the 13-17 and 17-19 part to read about my struggle and when I discovered nofap.
Age 0-12 Life was Beautiful!
People described me as a funny, handsome, smart and athletic kid when I was growing up. I made a lot of friends in primary school and even some girlfriends. In the Netherlands (where I’m from) they start teaching you reading at age 6-7 usually and they measure your progress in levels 1 to 10, 10 being the level when you mastered it.
Anyway, my school was shocked to find out I reached level 10 in the first week of school when I was 6. I even came in the school newspaper, being the first kid in 10 years to accomplish this so fast. I started reading when I was 4 and could read big books for 14 year olds when I was 5-6. They gave me extra homework and reading material and I had to teach other kids to read aswell. My other grades were also excellent, never scoring lower than A’s on all tests. I was the top of my class, but I didn’t really know what was going on because it all felt natural to me and easy.
I was also selected for the top team of my local football (soccer) club when I was 11. It was a soccer club with 1400 members so it was quite an accomplishment. Everyone wanted to be my friend and I even had girls standing outside my house after school everyday because I was so popular and friendly. I was intelligent, popular, athletic and most of all I was happy. Life couldn’t be any better. But then it was time to go to highschool and my whole life changed.
Age 12-17 Life collapsed and I fell into the deep dark hole called porn addiction.
I already had seen some pornographic images when I was in primary school, but I didn’t really know what it was and I thought it was disgusting. However when I was 12, I started looking at more porn and even some videos. I remember the rush I got was unbelievable, it’s probably what heroin feels like . I did not know how to masturbate though, so I didn’t get addicted to it at the time so I wasn’t watching very often.
But it started to have some effects on me but I didn’t know it. I continued having great grades in my first year of highschool, but there was something that was bothering me. I started to become more shy. I asked my parents about it and they said it was a normal process of growing up.
Fast forward to the summer when I turned 13. That was the day that marked the beginning of my terrible teenage years. I discovered how to masturbate and my first session I already was using hardcore porn. I still remember the scene crystal clear to this day. My first orgasm was the best feeling I had ever experienced. As you can imagine, I wanted that feeling over and over again.
I started watching a bit more hardcore videos but not to the point of it being straight up extreme(yet). The effects of porn were becoming more clear at school, because my grades crashed. I had no motivation anymore and my concentration was beyond terrible. I started getting picked on because I was talking slow as well and because of my bad grades. This kick started an addiction circle, the more I got depressed, the more I watched porn.
My performance in my soccer games were also beyond pathetic, my stamina was gone and my confidence in the field too. I was already kicked out of the top team when I was 13. Furthermore I wasn’t saying much to other players and when I did, I said in a mumbly, stuttery way. I also got laughed at because of this. The coach put me in a position on the field that’s basically useless.
This was also the period when I got my first job at a supermarket. And you may have guessed it, I was VERY quite there too and people took the piss out of me a lot there as well. I couldn’t stand up for myself anymore. I started looking at more extreme videos that were very violent, all at age 14-15 before even having my first kiss.
My friends were gone and the ones that sticked, were making fun of me. I was sheltering myself in my room everyday, because I was too scared to go outside. My family noticed something was different about me but they figured it was just a part of puberty. I also read on the internet that masturbation and porn was healthy, so I didn’t know what the hell was going on.
When I was 16, I started going to the gym to battle my confidence issues and social anxiety. I started getting bigger and people were commenting on my physique in a positive way. But then I decided to bulk and I took it way to far. I gained 40 lbs of fat in three months that year, when I was 16, was the darkest year of my life. I cried alot before going to sleep, developed a video-games addiction and quit playing soccer. I had no friends. No attention from girls. I spent the whole year inside and I went to 0 parties. I was on the brink of suicide and I had terrible depression.
Thinking about it now, still gives me light shivers. I had hit rock-bottom, at least that’s what I thought. My life got a bit better when I lost the 40 lbs again in three months, but I still had 0 confidence, social anxiety and no real friends. In August 2011, I discovered a thread on the misc section of bodybuilding.com and that discovery changed my life.
Age 17-19 Climbing out of a dark hole
I tried the nofap challenge only as a challenge, I didn’t expected to gain any results from it. I made it two days my first try and that shows how addicted I was. I didn’t try anymore after that moment and three months later, I discovered yourbrainonporn.com. I started reading about the symptoms of porn addiction and my jaw dropped. I had ALL the symptoms that were described on this site:
- My friends were drifting away. I gave up hangouts to sit in my room and pleasure myself
- My eyes looked dead and without color
- Memory and concentration was terrible, it was almost as if I had dropped 30 IQ points
- I had no girlfriend.
- I had an enormous amount of anxiety with human interactions in general.
- Muscle gains were slow as opposed to now
- Literally NO energy. I slept 10-12 hours a night and I still had big black bags underneath my eyes. I always needed to sit down after standing for like 10 minutes, no exaggeration
- I was terribly depressed and suicidal
- I didn’t feel ‘’masculine’’
- I felt the need to masturbate but it wasn’t because of my libido
- I could still masturbate without porn but it was very hard
- I was stressed, anxious, confused, had no goals in life
- I couldn’t defend or stand up for myself
- I was basically ‘’existing’’ but not living
I was very euphoric that I finally found the source of my problems. I started following the advice on the site and I tried to block porn out of my life. As I already expected, I made it in streaks of 4 to 5 days a time. But the people at school were starting to notice I was changing. My concentration and focus was coming back and my grades were going up. A girl out of my class also was interested in me, but I still didn’t know how to handle it. I did get my first kiss from her during school prom and I was very happy.
I made it 3 weeks without porn in January 2012 and I actually was scared how much effect abstaining had. I did have a very bad withdrawal. I had nightmares about porn, headaches and I felt sick the times after I relapsed. These 1-week streaks were going on the following months and my life was slowly getting better. I went to Spain on vacation with my friends and I felt like a huge chick magnet, making out with lots of girls while going out. That week in Spain was the best week of my life.
I also graduated highschool despite teachers saying I probably wouldn’t make it. I started reading finance and investing books. I even sold my Playstation 3, because my video-game addiction was gone. I thought I was cured. But I was wrong.
The next year I took a year off from school, because I still wasn’t sure what major to choose in university. I was sitting at home a lot and as you can probably imagine, my addiction started coming back. I’ll keep this part short. I started looking at more extreme porn then ever before and I almost committed suicide. From April to August, I started having 3 to 4 week clean streaks. Then in August of 2013, I relapsed for the last time until now.
Age 19 – I’m back and better than ever
When I started university in September, I felt like a new person. I was making friends with total strangers and my motivation was through the roof. I scored A’s on all tests (I’m studying economics and finance) and the school asked me to participate in their honours program.
I also needed less sleep and my days scheduled from 6:45 till 23:45 sometimes and I wasn’t even tired. My muscle gains in the gym were through the roof and I could eat a ton more than when I was younger and not gain fat. I had a pool-party in September and everyone was commenting on how much I had changed. I was so confident and my voice was way deeper.
Then on 21-11-2013, I finally reached 90 days pmo free! A quick summary of the benefits I experienced:
- Confidence is through the roof
- Social anxiety is almost non-existant
- Girls that I considered out of my league are now checking me out – I’m the person now that people come to if they have problems
- I feel like a leader
- I have a burning desire to achieve greatness and I really mean burning. I aspire to be a legend like Napoleon, Newton and Caesar.
- My motivation is unbelievable
- Random boners and morning wood are now a daily thing – Depression is gone – Random people start a conversation with me
- I only need 8 hours of sleep to function
- Face looks masculine for some reason – Sparkle in eyes and my face ‘’glows’’
- Concentration and memory is unbelievable; almost feels like I have a photographic memory
I could go on forever but these are the major benefits I’ve noticed. There were many times I wanted to give up on this journey, I’ve relapsed maybe 80-100 times. The process of quilting was VERY hard. There were moments I literally felt sick because the cravings were so bad .
I just want you to realize that porn addiction is real and very dangerous and give you hope that it is 100% fixable. I hope that in 5 to 10 years, mainstream medical science recognize this problem and educate people about it. I also started a self-development website, called www.builttoachieve.com. It’s still in the making, but my purpose with this site is to help people battle porn addiction, help bullied teens get their life back and generally improve the quality of life for people. Because I’m loving life and you should too.
Thanks for reading.