Rebooting Accounts: Page 1

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Rebooting to end porn addictionIn the links below the text you will find about 2,000 first-hand accounts of people's rebooting (recovery) experiences. We started a second Rebooting Accounts page, as our system can't handle so much success on a single page. In addition, 8 web-pages conatining shorter porn-induced ED recovery stories can be found here (so first-hand recovery accounts now total over 4,000).

If supplied by the author, a rebooting account starts with the age. Some begin with length of the reboot, others with a quote from the author. Almost all rebooting accounts contain a link to the original post, and most have a user name.

You'll also see a lot of 90-day reports. A common misconception is that YBOP suggests 90 days as a rebooting period. It doesn't. Lengths vary because goals vary. Many choose to write up a report at 90 days, but note that most have relapsed several times before achieving a 90-day streak.

Many more recovery accounts are found in these six sections, and scattered throughout the website:

  1. This page contains "advice columns" written by recovering porn addicts
  2. This page contains links to off-site blogs and threads chronicling recovery from porn addiction.
  3. A few 90-Day+ Reports from reddit.com NoFap
  4. 8 pages of shorter stories describing recovery from porn-induced ED: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.
  5. The Other Porn Experiment - Below the article read several pages of short stories and "rebooting benefits"
  6. In addition, there are many mini-accounts in What benefits do people see as they reboot?

Commonly used abbreviations:

  • ED = Erectile Dysfunction
  • PIED = Porn-induced Erectile Dysfunction
  • DE = Delayed Ejaculation
  • PE = Premature Ejaculation
  • PMO = Porn, Masturbation, Orgasm
  • MO = Masturbation & Orgasm
  • HOCD = Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
  • SOCD = Sexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
  • gf - Girlfriend
  • SO = Significant Other
  • Fap or fapping = Masturbation

This seems to be a typical feature of recovery:

I am proud of living without PMO for two weeks. I'm single but I rely on friends, family, yoga, massage, exercise, and breathing to get by each day. I am learning many natural ways of relaxing and coping with my brain and environment. I'm more relaxed, generous, and appreciative with people. However, I feel great pain, lethargy, apathy, sadness, frustration and loneliness sometimes. The frequency and duration of my time in the Pits is definitely decreasing. There's a lot of comfort remembering that, whenever my dopamine needle drops real low. One problem with improvement is that we forget how messed up we were when we started. LOL

Rebooting is not linear (repeat this slowly, several times) - That is, each day isn't better than the last. There are ups and downs, although the trend over time is upward. Meanwhile, neurochemically induced mood swings (The Pits) continue for a while. Some people say these mood swings don't decrease in severity for a long while (graph by young rebooter). What changes is that they decrease in frequency, and they pass more quickly when they happen. So it gets easier and easier to just let them pass, and to turn to a healthy distraction (exercise, socializing, a rewiring exercise, doing something productive, and so forth).

Also, watch out for the good days:

Some of my relapses in fact happened on quite successful/happy days, like my mind was on some kind of dopamine rush and slipped to the porn without me having noticed. So keep in mind, self-control is always necessary, even if everything seems to be going just fine.

This man decided to graph his rebooting experience:

I've done 3 graphs, mood on y-axis, day since last MO on x-axis. First is the raw data, not surprisingly very choppy. Shows non-linearity nicely. The other two are rolling 3-day average and rolling 6-day average. Non-linearity still apparent. Note: I didn't know what to put for the first 5 days because they were all over the place, so I just put alternating 8 and 0.
 

Raw data graph

 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 

 

 

 

3-day rolling graph

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 

 

 
 
6-day rolling graph

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Everyone's experience is somewhat different. It's an adventure to observe how the changes in the brain show up in your body and emotions. Said one guy:

All of these forces are at work: Erections, morning erections, orgasm/urge to orgasm, feeling of horniness etc. I feel like during the rewiring, these forces have all been there, but they are all kind of marching to their own beat. There have been times where I had the urge to O but wasn't horny and didn't have an erection. There have been times when I have felt really horny and felt nothing downstairs. There have been long spans of days where I would wake up with an erection and, after it was gone, I would be in complete flatline the rest of the day. But days like day 16, my brief relationship from days 22 to 35, and most importantly day 48 have shown me that things start working more harmoniously as time goes on.

Comments

You said you started a journal. Is it on one of the forums?

I'm still not completely convinced regarding the no fap concept; I think telling teenage boys its wrong this may lead to unnecessary amounts of guilt and self hatred etc.

I agree. Reddit nofap appears to be moving more towards recognizing porn as THE problem. I take many recovery stories from nofap, but many of the stoires I cannot use because the focus is masturbation rather than porn.

Gary i completedly reach 90days goal ..
After 90days i relapse for 5tyms ..
Did i back to day one ? All i gain in
90days was gone ? Plz response ..

Brian

It's just a bump in the road. Just continue to avoid porn.

It's been 11 days since i last masterbated with porn or even masterbated at all. I'm really moody, does anyone else get this too, in the mourning i feel i'm back to normal got mourning wood but not craving any porn, then a few hours later i'm craving porn, i'm depressed, feel like i'll never again be able to have sex with a girl. Anxiety kicks in because i just started dating a girl and know we gonna try to get it on pretty soon. I guess my question is when will the moodyness and depression start to fade away?

It's unlikely anyone will answer, other than me. It should get better soon, but it is highly varible. You can see these faqs -

you could look under support tab for forums

This really helped me understand the flatline and how it varies from person to person thanks buddy. Feeling better probly because i have been working out a lot and trying to meditate. I can tell abstaining from p and m has given me a feeling of more control in all aspects of my life, but then again its only been 13 days, gonna keep going and hopefully get a real sex life back!

I am really thankful to finally understand what has been going on with me. I'm especially thankful to understand the flatline effect. For a long, long time it's been rare that I've felt "horny" or aroused much in day to day life or even at times when I was with a woman and should have been aroused. I knew that I might be killing my natural sex drive with PMO and tried not masturbating, but I seem to get the flatline within just 24 - 48 hours which really messed with me, and I was always like, screw that! I thought I had some kind of blue balls induced ED, and I was even searching the internet to see if something like that existed. Now that I have the right information about that, PIED in general and the "reboot" I now feel "scared, but ready" to do my own reboot.
Today it's 11/29/13 and I'm scheduling my reboot for the month of December, followed by no porn and much reduced MO from then on. I'm hoping to start the new year and my 40th year on Earth as a new person. I'm not 100% sure if I will not masturbate at all during that time, but that's the plan for now based on what I've read here. I don't want to do it just to "test" my libido as I always did in the past after only a couple of days, but I might allow masturbation if I feel naturally and strongly aroused. I'm really scared of the flatline, which is 100% guaranteed for me as I mentioned above, and the "dead penis" thing is even scarier. I've experienced that some already, but not for days or weeks at a time.

My background: I'm single and as I mentioned, I'm almost 40. I'm thin and in good shape. I look a lot younger than I am, and I'm finally enjoying looking young. I meet girls in their twenties at bars pretty often without it seeming weird, so as you can imagine, it's frustrating not being confident in my libido!

I had my first sexual relationship before I really had experience with porn (which I hope will work in my favor now), but I had some performance anxiety with the second girl I was ever with and that really stuck with me even to this day which is compounded by the PIED. I mostly turned to masturbation and porn magazines (no internet at that time...I'm old) after that. I still liked girls, but PMO was so much easier and less scary. From there the internet came about - first dial up (which I supplemented with VHS, then of course, our friend/enemy, high speed internet. I've had relationships, but always had a rough transition period when things started getting sexual. My brain really had to switch from porn mode, to real life mode. It took time, and left me limp and embarassed multiple times.
I also have tended to "edge" a lot to porn. I think that's really the "crack" of PMO. Being right on that edge of orgasm for long periods of time REALLY desensitizes you to anything less than that. It started to make it so that I needed to be almost at orgasm to be fully erect/aroused, which lead to erectile issues, and premature ejaculation when I was actually with a girl. There were times when I came without even being erect! I finally figured out how bad the edging was on my own a couple of years ago, and I've tried to not edge, but it's such a habit that I start doing it without noticing.

It's weird also - the last 6 months to a year I've kind of been getting bored with porn too. It takes a while to find something that really does it for me, and it has started to all seem the same. I think that's when people start getting into harder/weirder stuff, but I'm just not into any of it.

I had a 5 year relationship that ended about a year and a half ago and I think my PMO addiction really affected the relationship. She had a really low sex drive (hypothyroid) which was tough on me and my ego, but I feel like I was always a little weird about sex - I couldn't PMO when I was with her, so I was looking to her for my "fix" more than just wanting to be with her, and who she was. I would get more upset than I should have when she wouldn't have sex with me, which made her pull back even more. I don't want to start another relationship with these problems!

Everyone is different, so hopefully sharing my experiences will help someone else.
One more day to mentally prepare. Not looking forward to it at all, but I know It's a small price to pay to have a normal sex life and normal arousal afterward. I'll update as I progress through my reboot. Wish me luck.

I have had a problem since ever. Male feet! I am straight, I have dated many girls..kissed them , danced dirty with them, got huge erections but never had sex due to religious beliefs. Now that im 25 I have changed my point of view regarding sex and decided to have sex wih my gf of 6 months. Had rly hard erection for oral and evtg but the moment of penetration I couldnt get it up. I felt some guilt or something over the past. Despite being very social in the past and having many friends and girlfriends I had this dark side no one but me knew abt. My male foot fetish. I have never ever had the fantasy of having sex with another man.. but I found mens feet really arousing since maybe I was 8. I have been told that i used to lick feet as a kid.I started masturbating to those fantasies since I was 16. Real porn didnt do anything for me
Although I went to parties, got really horny for girls around.. but that was my ultimate fantasy. i masturbated to guys showing their feet and so on .Now wait till it got worse. when i was 20 something i had a male friend whose feet were so appealing to me.One day we had a fight and he slapped me hard on the face. After it, he was trying to apologize and make things better by fooling around. He put his feet on my lap and started wiggling his toes and slapping me on the face again with his feet. And guess what. I got an erection and that was my first wake up call. Having an erection with a man somethig must be wrong with me. (as if all the previous masturbation was something not real). And it got even worse. I tried not to think abt it by fooling around with girls, having them massage my feet or I massage theirs which I rly like too. But guess what. When u got back home I watched male on male foot action. Where a dominant and more handsome man humiliates another one and makes him his foot slave (relating to my experience with that friend). I rly need help! At some point it gets out of hand. Like one day I found it arousing that he got a raise and I didnt (we are co wokers). We went to his house that day were he made himself confy and put his feer on my lap teasing me about not getting a raise. I couldn't help it and I maturbated on my way home while DRIVING! Any advice and plz dont judge I knw am a weird motherfucker :p

I'm no therapist, but you describe having this fetsh long before porn use entered the picture. As you probably know a foot fetsih is one of the most common types.

You could try giving up porn and stop masturbating to it, and see what happens. Yopu could also see a counselor.

You could also post on this forum to see if anyone has suggestions - http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php

Best of luck to you

Thanks man. This website was sent from heaven. Although deep inside me I knew I wud have such a problem but having scientific explanations really impresses me and makes me more convinced and even more challenged and that the elasticity of the brain will be my only solution. Im rly sad that I did this to my brain but thank god it is reversible.. day 8 is good already and I will not urge to have sex very soon. Just to wait and see. I still feel really weird though havin used my penis all this time for something which was not intended for it in the 1st place..I will only rely on the power of my brain though its very hars. I feel like an alien these days (but actually I was more of an alien before lol) and btw im still too shy to confess to a counselor. I hope I will get over it by myself (usually am a strong person and I got over harder things in life u dont wanna knw abt :p) .. but if I failed of course will do.. one question . If the first time during the reboot I plan to have sex (valentine is getting closer :p) I decided to use viagra just to make sure I will get an erection to be confident and once and for all do u think it will help? Or will it be an excuse to use it over and over again? Or will it affect my reboot negatively in any way? Thnk u

Some guys use Viagra because actual intercourse may help rewire the brain to.exactly that. I missed that you had ED. Every guy needs to find what works for them with porn-induced ED. Orgasms may slow things down, but if your ED is rooted in the need to act out your fetish, then sex can be beneficial.

 

Well, I know you have not been successful, but it's worth trying again...but of course I don't know how it affects you. I hope my story here can inspire you.
For me, the effects reach every part of my life. I stopped fantasising during sex and whatnot, but the impulses flash through constantly like a broken old TV set. It is constant and unwelcome. It is proof of how it is my brain is producing this...and is not inherently me. These sort of things are happening everywhere. I don't like children..I'm not a pedifile. I was starting to doubt that though. The sight of skirt and legs on any age girl triggers my pleasure center. Now that I am mindful of it, I realize that it is completely involuntary. I've noticed that the feeling is the same weather it's a ten year old or an 80 year old. It only goes away when I push the morality button...but that doesn't happen automatically until I see their faces and disgust sets in. For an old lady, well, they are ugly, at least for what my brain is used to looking at in porn. Obviously an old women is beautiful in her own way, but not for me at my age sexually. But for a young girl I have to really push that button myself. I would never ever do anything to hurt such a girl though...it’s purely in my mind-I realise that it isn't me, so to speak. It is just a trigger for the pleasure center again. But, I don't want to live in such a way. ..and how could I have not realized how much it is affecting me? These triggers are very far reaching. I can't look at a woman normally anymore. A pretty face=trigger; a short skirt=trigger; a dress=trigger; nice breasts=trigger; nice feet=trigger; nice butt=trigger; nice thighs=trigger; racer strap top=trigger; jeans=trigger; shorts=trigger; nice hands=trigger; nice lips=trigger; nice smell=trigger; the list goes on and on. But every woman, young or old, will have something usually that is a trigger.
I even lost my job, as you know, because of having porn on my phone which kids ended up seeing completely by accident. I was very irresponsible for allowing this to happen and the loss of the job helped me strengthen my resolve here as well. There was no reason for me to have porn on my phone other than wanting instant access should I need it.
I now clearly see that my ED is 100% linked with my addiction. My pleasure centre needs constant stimulation to maintain an erection. I can't believe how obvious this is! I've had a hard time maintaining a strong erection...but actually, it's premature ejaculation that is the problem. It's been this way for about 10 years. But I've been addicted for about 18 years now. You know, I used to want to stop for moral reasons. But I never succeeded. I tried stopping at least once a year in those 18 years. Then I wanted to stop for the sake of religion, which as you know didn't work out. I ended up having to disrobe from being a monk because of it. Now that I am married again, but to the woman I love beyond all and whom I made a personal vow of dedication to that goes beyond my wedding vows-I want to be there for her fully. I don't want to NEED to visualise other women to get me going, and I don't want to be tormented by visuals when the most beautiful women in the world is there making love to me with all her heart and soul. It repulses me to think about it. But this last part I was not aware of as a problem until recently.
When we chose to quit porn together, I did it as another attempt-and for the first time ever, I wasn't trying to do it alone. That’s why I just said ‘YES’ without even giving it another thought. I was serious, but didn’t realise the journey that it was about to take me on. I didn’t bother looking at the websites you sent me cause I was just so happy to be quitting. But then my libido dropped off completely, when it did kind of return after two weeks, I couldn’t maintain an erection for longer than maybe 20 seconds during sex. I also realised that I couldn’t get an erection unless I was visualising. That’s when you mentioned I should stop visualising completely. Well, I did for moralities sake, and the sex again kind of flatlined. But I wasn’t completely committed to non visualisation yet. My wife would still give me hand jobs to help me out and during those times I saw no morality issues to fantasise. But then intense cravings set in and I turned to the websites finally for support. That’s when I learned the science of addiction, some real world truths about the porn industry, and scientific evidence of what porn is doing to our youth. Everything there strengthened my resolve to quit.
The science of it makes me realise my mistakes in the past and gives me hope. I’m already so much better. For example, I had a threesome fantasy that was so intense, and has been part of me for so long, that I thought it was normal. I matter of fact told my wife that we will do it some day. She loves me and sort of half agreed, but secretly hoped that I wasn’t serious. I was blind to some of her sleepless nights resulting from the anxiety of this. The other day I realised that the fantasy is completely gone. The idea of another women in our bed makes me sick! The idea of another man as well of course, but before I convinced myself that I would have been willing do allow that if it allowed me to get another women with us. This fantasy was just not real! It is not a part of who I am. It was just something the brain was producing involuntarily and I have been reinforcing for over a decade. What else isn’t real? I can’t wait to see all the triggers lesson their grip, to see what other fantasies and fetishes drop away.. Even skirts now don’t make me 360 and follow the girl up the stairs anymore. It was that bad. I now hope my social anxiety and even OCD will improve. That will be the next thing I educate myself about.
Thanks for inspiring me to quit and showing me these websites. I think it is important for you too to try to overcome the grip it has on you too. Both of us being spiritual, we already know that mindfulness is the key for these things. Well, mindfulness must be coupled with right view as we know. That means we must know the truth, see things clearly, and then the rest isn’t a question. I don’t care that it will be difficult for me at times. I know the truth now. I want to create my destiny, not be caught in cyclic patterns. If we can get through this, just think what else we will be able to accomplish spiritually. The Buddha never spoke of the pleasure centre, but I’m sure he would have if science was up to scratch. He did speak of cyclic patterns and karma though, which I am starting to believe are just these sorts of things. I love you brother. Stand up for yourself. Lets be strong together.

I am on day 101. I began watching porn out of loneliness in 2004 when I was 15. I felt lonely and socially awkward at the time. Being treated badly by "friends" at school and surrounded by beautiful girls who were beginning to have sex, my self-confidence began to plummet and I began to watch porn as a lazy way to escape reality. I never had any moral qualms from what I was doing. It was just something that made me feel good. I would normally watch/ jack off to porn 2 or 3 times every day from this point.

Before I began watching porn I used to have vivid fantasies of getting with real girls. Within a year, these fantasies had disappeared along with the urge to want to put myself out there to get real girls.

The effects were gradual and slow but occurring. In 2004, I received the high achievers award in high school for the end of year 10 exams. By mid-2005, I was barely passing anything. My concentration declined, sociability declined and I felt neurotic. My friends had begun to treat me worse, and with low self-esteem, I felt the need to impress them and fit in.

I barely passed the final year of high school and with disappointed and confused parents, enrolled into a minor college course instead of university in 2007. I couldn't become motivated because I couldn't think clearly. It was around this time I believe I developed depression. Every morning I would wake up groggy and with little social life, would fix my urges by looking at porn. Constantly in a state of mild dizziness and confusion, I wanted real girls, but my life was in a mess and I didn't know why I felt so sick and dazed all the time.

In 2008 I began to take control of my life although I didn't know the cause. Pissed off at my academic failures, I began to make sure I studied everyday regardless of how sick I was. I realised that if I exercised heavily I would be able to reduce a lot of the symptoms. By the end of the year I had passed all of my allotted subjects and gained 20kgs in muscle.

But doubts remained. I still had days of extreme irritability and looking back on it now, as my fitness improved so did my porn use. After an injury relating to overtraining occurred, I had to stop the weights. My previous symptoms returned full force.

By the end of 2009, I had a chance to lose my virginity for the first time. I was 21 and she was a friend who couldn't understand why I hadn't lost it. It was at this time that I discovered I was impotent. Being devastated but chalking it up to a bad experience, I moved on. Later on I would discover that I wasn't always impotent, but of the times I did have sex I had no feeling. My dick felt like your arm would if you had slept on it all night. It was easy for it to lose its strength completely.

Believing I had a major confidence problem and desperately sick of feeling more of a mouse that a man, I joined the army in 2009 and was sent to basic training. It began to go downhill after 6 days. I certainly wasn't used to the environment I had put myself in but began developing symptoms no one else around me was. My hands began to shake, I developed flu like symptoms and began to tire far easier than normal. I developed insomnia and my brain slowed right down until I felt one level above being retarted. I began to do stupid, clumsy things followed by panic attacks. Above all else, my dick for the first time in years was super sensitive and very annoying. I couldn't explain any of it and neither could the doctors there. (I didn't tell them about my dick) Unfortunately, I was going through withdrawal symptoms and in possibly the worst place to receive them. My commanders thought I was a pussy and pushed me hard to bring the best out in me. It was impossible and I began to physically and emotionally break down. The doctors knew I wasn't on any substances, diagnosed me with severe stress and sent me home a failure.

It was on the plane ride home I began to think of what had happened. I knew there was something wrong with me. Was it porn, masturbation, a lack of confidence and sociability? One of them? A bit of everything? Was I just naturally weak? I didn't know.

Trying a different tactic, I entered a degree at a university in 2010. I began exercising again and completely eliminated porn. Not knowing what felt normal anymore, I believed that having continual cravings was the natural state for any man. To satisfy them, I only masturbated to fantasy or pictures, which was on a daily basis.

Throughout 2011, I was still fairly impotent but concentrated on studies. I ignored my problems, but made a vastly greater effort to being social. I even moved on campus at university. It didn't make me feel better. In 2012, only masturbating once or twice a week ONLY on fantasy, I decided it was a confidence issue and joined a pick up artist community to meet and attract women. One way or the other I was going to find out if my confidence and impotence could be improved. It was at the end of 2012, I discovered 3 things at roughly the same time:

* "The great porn experiment" Gary Wilson(TEDx)on youtube - I stared into space and couldn't speak for a while after viewing it.

* The physical issues could not be relieved through Viagra - The packet said 1 and I took 3. Nothing happened.

* The sadness, confusion, impotence, lack of sociability, motivation could have had, at its base, a porn addiction. I was sad as a kid because I was shy and unconfident. Impotence and low sociability from a porn addiction kept me there.
After many relapses, on the 20th November 2013, I began my most successful attempt to date. I believe I am now cured of most of the debilitating effects of porn addiction.
Day 26 - edged twice
Day 28 edged twice
Day 66 - Wet Dream, first one in 9-10 years
Day 72 - Wet Dream
Day 86 Wet Dream
Day 89 Wet Dream
Day 89 Edged Twice
Day 90 Had Successful sex with sensation
Day 93 Masturbated to orgasm from sensation only
Day 95 Wet Dream

If I had sex now it would be successful. There is still some brain fog but nothing like I had. The grogginess has gone and I feel like I have more energy and can stay awake longer. Women look much better. I feel more extraverted than I have in a long time.

I took the time to write this so that others who may identify themselves somewhat in my story may find an easier time discovering the true source of their anguish than I did. Had I never found yourbrainonporn.com, I would still be the same person I had been for far too long.

That's an excellent report. Thanks for doing it. So glad to hear you're almost back to normal. We put it on the front page: Age 24 - (ED), amazing journey, severe withdrawal

You know about The Chaser, right? Do You Need A Chaser After Sex?

I have porn ed and I haven't masturbated to porn in over two weeks. But I still have seen some of it. I have still masturbated and climaxed but just in my head to past real life experiences. And its only once a week when I do masturbate. I want to know if this is keeping me from getting over this. I got ed from masturbating to porn. So is it ok to still masturbate as long as I dont do it to porn?

It's been 7 weeks today - NOFAP. Very infrequent edging and very infrequent viewing. Just pics. Never went extreme or video. Never did anything for me. Seriously. I have a GF (10 years younger than me) and the first 4-5 weeks had sex a couple times a week - one time 5 of 6 days - without Viagra or Cialis. Fairly hard....good enough. But I want better. It's very sensitive during sex right now. Like I am 14 again. I guess that's good.

You've probably heard or read how your body begins to heal itself after you quit smoking. After a week this...after three months that...after six months somehing else. I imagine that the healing process your body and penis goes through when you give up porn and fapping is similar. It takes time. BUT...your body knows how to heal itself. You have to let it.

I suspect that maybe the edging could be hindering full progress. But I have to be realistic. My fapping and viewing has decreased nearly 100%. That needs to be viewed as the ongoing victory. Whenever the temptation strikes I use a little self talk to keep the streak - "Man, you've gone X days....don't blow it now." That helps. Alot.

In the last few days...I've felt overall much better. Maybe 'cause the weather is getting warmer. There have been a few flatlines but I've survived. I never thought I could go 7 weeks nofap....EVER! But I have. I'll accept the minor misteps. The overall improvement and change in habit has been immense.

Years ago, I had some minor platic surgery to straighten my nose after it had been broken a few times playing sports. The surgeon - who was a great guy - said "it's all about improvement....not perfection." That has remained with me all these years and I carry that advice with me in this journey. While not perfect....the improvements have been immense.

I think everyone should keep that in mind. Just keep improving - and while you my not be perfect every day...week or month...keep in mind how much better you are as a person than you were one, six or nine months ago....whatever. And as you (I) continue....our psyche, attitudes, outlook and most of all performance in the sack will continue to get better. Life will get better.

No pun intended here...let's keep it up.

Hi all!

After all the help and support I've gotten from this community, I figured it was time for me to give something back.

This may be a long post, and some of what I'm going to say might sound contradictory to some of the messages we've gotten from this site, but know that the amount of good this site has created is astronomical, and hundreds of thousands of us from different walks of life have been helped back on our feet.

**

WARNING: SOME OF THIS IS VERY GRAPHIC AND DARK. READ WITH CAUTION AS SOME OF YOU MAY BE TRIGGERED.

**
So what happened to me in a nutshell? I was sexually abused by my best friend as a child (he forced himself on me and violated me during sleepovers), and this in turn affected my self-esteem from age 5 onwards. Because my self-esteem and boundaries were destroyed, and there were strong overtones of emotional abuse in my household, I became very quiet, shy, and withdrawn from others, and I became the perfect victim for bullies and worse. Everything from social ostracism, to toxic friendships, to abusive teachers, to getting outright beaten up. To make matters worse, I never went to my parents with any of this, because I never felt like I could open up to them about stuff like that. It was the sort of environment where you weren’t “allowed” to be angry, sad, etc, or else you were ungrateful, or ‘had no right to feel that way’, you know?

Fast forward a few years to middle school, and I was a really awkward, angry guy, with no understanding of boundaries. Naturally, this brought about even more negativity, only it was worse, because it was primarily girls that put me down, called me ‘ugly’, etc.
Deep down, I slowly grew to distrust and hate people and resent girls, and I wasn’t even aware of it because I repressed and discounted my feelings so powerfully. I was very out of touch with myself, and had zero self-confidence. I had a very bad case of Nice Guy entitlement syndrome, and I absolutely hated the confident guys that I saw as obnoxious, who got all the girls.

Naturally, high school wasn’t a whole lot better. It was probably the most scarring period of my life. This is when I really got into porn and used it as an escape. The women on porn could never hurt me, and I could see them as I liked and could degrade them as I saw fit. Furthermore, it was in angry rebellion against the values of my conservative parents, who basically left me out to dry when it came to sex education. (To give you an idea of how they were about sexuality: you never talked about it. It was a taboo topic. And if they caught you with anything like an erotic book or picture you were ‘perverted’ or ‘depraved’. If you brought home a girl, you were ‘only going to get her pregnant, catch STD’s, and ruin your life for that skank’. Etc.)

I would go on porn for hours on end. From the moment class ended I would be running back home just so I could get an extra half-hour, and eight to ten hours could easily go by before I stopped (since my parents would come home). Quite simply put, I had no other sexual outlets. I was terrified of intimacy, and even when girls liked me I was clueless. This went on from about 14-18 years old, and by then, I was very desensitized, and had a very warped and skewed perspective on sex, women, relationships, etc. (Seriously, stuff like “All women can be turned into lesbians” was floating around in my subconscious!).

In my last year of high school, I was lucky enough to be intimate with a girl who liked me for years. I couldn’t even get it up with her, despite how attracted I was to her. She was deeply hurt, and so was I. And I was scarred in the sense that full-on sex was just too much at once; I’d barely even kissed a girl before then. Combined with the abuse (which I barely remembered, and had a distorted memory of what it was), at the back of my mind, I started to wonder “What if I was gay and never knew it?”.

University wasn’t much better. I was very isolated much of the time, watching porn, being angry and violent, etc.

After being alone and rejected by one too many girls after a time, and a history of difficulty having sex with women from ED, I was sexually harassed by gay men (I had no boundaries and shit self-esteem), and it seemed like only gay men were attracted to me and wanted me. I was so depressed, and I was totally thrown for a loop, and had everything from obsessive doubt, to panic attacks. I read articles about hocd, gay denial, coming out stories, etc for hours on end, and occasionally forced myself to watch gay porn in an effort to “check”, even though I wasn’t attracted to men, physically or otherwise.

After a while, I discovered this website and realized I had a problem with porn, and tried my best to work on that throughout university. With varying degrees of success, failure, etc. I felt absolutely wretched the whole time, and I hated myself.

Here is the terrifying part of my story though, that will totally blindside you, shock you, and throw you for a loop like it did me when I found out.

I was sexually abused again. This time by a man I considered my mentor and friend.

He was a close friend of the family; an uncle, really. It turned out that he had been grooming me for years, ever since I was 12. I just never realized that what he was doing was weird, because my boundaries were already destroyed. What basically began as seemingly innocent conversations about girls led into more explicit conversations, comments about my body, encouraging watching porn and erotic movies together and asking to see my dick, etc, until he physically abused me.

I was twenty-fucking-one when he outright propositioned giving oral sex to me. By then, I was so shaken up, so depressed, so thoroughly groomed and desensitized, so ashamed and afraid of saying ‘no’, etc, that I actually went along with it, even though every instinct I had was to run the hell home. In my mind, I ‘had to know for sure’, to make sure once and for all that I wasn’t gay or bisexual. He violated me, and he had been grooming me over YEARS. Moving so slowly, carefully, cautiously, like a spider, or a boxer probing his opponent’s defenses before the knockout punch. I didn’t realize what he was doing until it was too late.

After it happened, I felt numb. I only knew instinctively on the most primal level that he was poisonous to have in my life. He had been one of my only friends, and I looked up to him. Hell, I loved him as I would an eccentric uncle or a father that I never had. And it was so scarring to finally see him as he really was, and I realized I never knew the man at all. I have no doubt in my mind that he has abused other people. (He was also sexually abused by the way). I distanced myself from him, cut off all contact, and told my parents about everything.

A year of therapy later, and I realized that porn was only the tip of the iceberg: it was the sexual abuse, and the toxic shame about my sexuality (from my parents, peers, rejection from girls, toxic views of women, etc) that was the problem. It might have taken me years to even realize what it all was if I hadn’t gone for help.
Now, I can honestly say to you guys that I’m not addicted to porn anymore, because the shame, anger, and fears and difficulties with intimacy that I had before are slowly healing, and I no longer see porn as inherently harmful, just a bad habit that can catch up with you if you do it too much (like shopping, drinking, etc). As such, the urge and compulsion to watch videos is no longer there. I’d much rather make love with a real woman, or even just hold the hand of someone I love and have a conversation with her. I've finally been able to be truly intimate with women, and I've been able to have successful, satisfying sex for the first time in my life.

So have faith, there is light at the end of the tunnel my friends. Thank you so much to all of you. You have all been instrumental in my healing. I wish you all the best on your journeys, and do not hesitate to message me if you ever have any questions.

All the best,

-Kyle B

ADVICE FOR REBOOTERS

1) Start with straight up abstaining from porn and maturbation, and have faith in the nofap community. This is the beginning.

2) Identify any cognitive distortions that porn has given you. (Ex: “Women are always primed for sex”. “All women enjoy being degraded”. “All women are bisexual.” “I deserve sex from beautiful women” “Women are objects, not human beings”. Etc etc). Write them out so you can get them out of your head and start to change your thoughts.

3) Figure out what it actually is that’s eating you up. It’s not the porn that’s the real problem. It’s the toxic shame you probably feel about sexuality, or the fear of rejection or intimacy, or the anger from childhood/adolescent wounds. You’re not a creep for watching porn or wanting sex. You’re not abnormal. There is nothing wrong with you. You are a human being. You have been hurt and had to retreat into something. And once you get to the bottom of whatever painful feelings and experiences you’ve had, and you truly start to heal, you’ll find that the desire to watch porn as much as you were before will fade away until you don’t even care about porn anymore. It’s just something that you’ve left behind. Start developing sex-positive views.

4) Start changing your actual life habits. Staying home alone playing video games or watching porn isn’t going to do much for you in the long-run. If you want different results, start changing the way you think, and what you do every day. Exercise. Go out with friends. Go out to events. Have fun! Meet people! Try new things! If you try to go cold turkey on porn (something you’ve depended on to manage your emotions and hide from your pain) without actually changing your life habits or thoughts, then of course you’ll remain dependent on porn. You are a human being with human needs, such as love, intimacy, physical gratification, etc. If porn offered that to you, you are not perverted, depraved, or bad for doing so. It was something that helped you survive. Now, it’s time to forgive yourself and change your life, so that you don’t need it anymore.

5) Forgive yourself, and change your life. Don’t beat yourself up for looking up a nude picture or looking at a video when you ‘relapse’. You’re a human being who hasn’t been getting your needs met, so your needs have been met artificially up to now. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are a member of the human race, with valid feelings, gifts, and a right to happiness. If any other person were given your experiences, they would have done the exact same thing.
In time, you’ll find that the real problem had to do with masturbating too much, and hating yourself and thinking that something was wrong with you all along. It’s the fear of intimacy, and feeling shame about sexuality that is your true enemy.

P.S: I’d highly recommend getting in touch with your true fantasies that turn you on and make you happy, no matter how ‘weird’ they might seem, because these give you the strongest indicators as to who you are and what you’re into. (Read the “savage love” column by Dan Savage to get sound advice on sexuality.)

kb

I can't give up from watching porn and masturbating.I have found this website like 3 months ago and since then I am trying to win this battle and stop watching porn.When i found this site i have read a hole day articles from it,I had so many motivation that I stayed a week without porn and masturbating then i relapsed...i felt so bad but i tryed again. Second time I didn't watched porn for like 3 weeks(but i was masturbating once a week) I was feeling strong i thought i would never watch porn and i am gonna be a stronger person,this was a mistake..at school some friends showed me a porn movie,i didn't want to watch but my eyes saw some scenes,I said "whatever" i won't watch again but i did,when i went back home i watched porn and masturbated i felt miserable...Since then i haven't stayed more then a week without watching porn..I don't know what to do,,i have strong craves..I am shy and not very sociable , I don't know what to talk with girls,i am scared when i am with them i am fu*king scared because i don't know what to say and I think they will have a bad opinion about me,that's why i avoid these meetings...I was a funny and enjoyable person before started to be dependent on porn.Today i had relapsed again after 6 days without porn so I decided to write here . What should I do when I have cravings ? Mostly i masturbate when i am home alone or I go to the bathroom and watch some porn from mobile..I am gonna try over and over,I won't give up.I am a kid so i am gonna tell you from where my motivation comes,I am watching Dragon Ball Z and I try to be like Goku after every fight he gets stronger and stronger,I will try to do the same.Well thank you.

Learn your triggers. In your case, being home alone and being in the bathroom with your phone are triggers. That is, you can use your rational brain to foresee that you will be tempted - and take defensive measures.

When you are home alone...turn your computer off (or use an app like "Self Control" to prevent yourself from going online for as long as you will be home alone - see below). Go out for a walk, if possible, call a friend, keep a list of non-porn activities you will turn to that do not involve any online devices.

When you go into the bathroom, leave your mobile outside. Period.

You may only have to be strict for a few weeks, until you retrain your brain that those periods of time are not "porn time." :-)

There's a good discussion about handling triggers in this book, some of which are included in our review here: http://yourbrainonporn.com/wack-addicted-internet-porn-review

Is there someone you can confide in? It helps to have someone you can talk with about this. If there's no one in real life, find an accountability partner at one of these sites:

Accountability Partners

Reboot Nation

Stay optimistic. Many guys relapse a lot at first. If you keep trying, you'll succeed. Have you tried daily cold showers? Cold Showers

You might have better luck with no masturbation for a couple of months, and then finding a masturbation schedule after your brain is back in balance. Masturbation tends to be a trigger for porn use at first. But there's no "right" way to do this.

Lots of tips here: Uncle Bob's Porn Addiction Recovery Tips | Your Brain On Porn

And be sure to watch this video:

Adolescent Brain Meets Highspeed Internet Porn | Your Brain On Porn

Good luck!


 Block your access to the Internet temporarily with "SelfControl" (http://selfcontrolapp.com/) or www.getcoldturkey.com Various site members said:

If I have an urge to look at porn, I set SelfControl to
15 minutes and it blocks the Internet until the urge subsides. Or I set
it so that the Internet is blocked the entire night so there is no way
for me to go online if I get an urge to look or assuage the
withdrawal-insomnia.

As for the cell phone I use a free app lock that locks the browser on
my phone. I also set it to a password that I will never remember.

Anyone using Ubuntu and wants to give "Self-Control" a try, you get
the package for it here:
svn.jklmnop.net/projects/SelfControl/selfcontrol_0.9-1_all.deb

Cold Turkey is a productivity program that blocks sites for up to
seven days using the free version. I found that opendns is too easy to
access and change the settings to unblock, so I've set opendns to block
all porn and nudity sites and then set cold turkey to block my access to
opendns. You can also buy cold turkey for five dollars and that gives
some extra features like blocking certain programs from running on your
computer and blocking for up to a month. I think it's worth the small
investment and I've done this so I can block [my habitual chat site]
from running and block my access to opendns for longer. The website is www.getcoldturkey.com/

I'm also using cloudacl on my phone to block all porn sites on my
phone and again, access to opendns.com because without it I can easily
access opendns on my phone and unblock it that way. This of course is
not bulletproof but should I feel an urge it means there's several
layers of blocking to get through, this means I have more time to stop
and think about what I'm doing rather than just clicking the mouse
button twice and having instant access to porn.

I have a system worked out for the weekend regarding my phone. I
already use the SelfControl thing for my computer, and I basically lock
myself out of my phone internet and email the password to a yahoo email
address. I can't get the password because yahoo isn't whitelisted on
SelfControl, which I turn on before I start to drink. The password is
also basically 4 random digits that I can't remember at all. It's a
little tricky and roundabout but it seems to be working fine.

I relapsed after 9 days without porn and masturbate. I was feeling happy my self-confidence was higher then before and I had some strange feelings(Hapiness+Sadness+Hapiness+Good Moods)but today I relapsed,I feel sad just because I didn't listen your advice about triggers . I was home alone and I wake up with craves,after they were gone I came at PC and started a game,after I lost it(League Of Legends) the craves came again,this time was so hard to stop them so...i went on a porn site and masturbate.Now I am gonna read more about triggers and next time,when I will be home alone I won't start my PC.I have tryed to make push-ups,abs and other ex.,they are decresing craves but not enough . Next time when i will be home alone, I will go out for a walk .

I'm 57 and until I first got on the internet in 1997 I never really masturbated that often. But since then it's been a minimum of twice a day. For about ten years it never caused me any problems but then slowly I started to develop ED with a partner. But was still masturbating all the time , some times on a day off from work I'd do it 4 , 5 and once in a while six times. But it was getting difficult to orgasm with a partner and often times even to stay hard. Oddly, I never really thought porn or too masturbation was the problem. I think the reason I thought this was because a couple of times I went a week or so without masturbation and the problem got worse. Classic flatlining. Then I happened upon this website and it all sounded exactly like my situation. So I tried it for a month and amazingly I found I was cured ! I got instantly hard , 10/10 ,with my new partner and was able to orgasm in two minutes- something I hadn't done in many years. Also, now I wake up pretty much every morning with an erection ( something that had stopped several years ago).
So yes, even for someone a little older , this is possibly your answer. And thank you to the owners of this site.

Hi Guys,

I have been following this site for almost an year. Just like others i was also stuck back when i first wanted to have sex and could not perform .... Tried to get ride of PMO for last year but still not able to succeed

Beside PIED issue, i have been diagnose with couple of other issues ... like my SGPT(ALT) test values were way out of normal range i.e. 114 ... Doctor told me that i have got Fatty Liver. Beside this i am get some flashes (night sweating) for quite few years now. Again doctor told me that my harmones are not balanced. Later test verified my Testesterone are way down.

Recently i am on Testesterone therapy ... but i know that i still got this PIED issue ... I wanted to get rid of it for quite sometime now ... but each time i end up either thinking about girls or actually watching PORN.

I have decided now i will post my progress on this website and atleast be honest to myself on this site ...

I need encouragement from you guys and also if anyone can share his story because of unbalance hormone therapy ... I will be very glad

T-

I started watching porn when I was 16. . . and I quit when I was 33; so more than half my life I've subjected myself to every type of filth that was available to me. I searched for that one clip that spoke to my fantasy. I chatted online with strangers about my fantasies and depraved thoughts. I browsed craigslist daily.

Outwardly I denied that I had a problem. I had a masters, was successful at work and earned well. Sure, I didn't have a gf, but I put that down to my preference to be private.

Things changed after I met someone I really liked last year. I loved her and wanted to love her in every way . . . except I couldn't. I was firing sporadically. Luckily for me she was patient.

I researched ED and came across YBOP. And then the pieces finally fit together. I saw how porn had literally taken over my life. I saw the damage it was doing to my life and the damage it would do if I did not take action. So finally on April 18, 2014, I quit. Cold turkey.

I wish I could say it was an easy journey. It is not. Every day is hard, but it is extremely rewarding. In the first ten days, I had blue balls. The temptation to look just once at something online was very strong. After that came the flatline. I had read about it, so I expected it, but still seeing your penis be the smallest it has ever been is hard. At this stage nothing could excite me. Luckily things at work kept me focused and busy, so I was able to just live with this phase.

Finally, at about 45 days, things started looking up. I had a wet dream. I started getting morning wood.

Around day 65, I made love to the special person in my life (my then gf, my now wife). I was in heaven. sure I was orgasming quickly, but I was hard (~8 on a scale of 10) and confident when making love, knowing that I wouldn't go soft in her.

Today it is day 133. I feel a lot more relaxed. but the temptation always remains. My wife is away on work for a bit and I feel like taking a quick peek. And I know I have to work hard to avoid falling in the trap.

I have a iphone app that monitors the number of days I have been PMO free. It reads 133 today. I rationalize to myself that it is not worth resetting that to 0. so hopefully I will continue to be strong.

Question - do you feel that your ED is now "cured"? If so I would like to take your post and place it on the rebooting page. What do you think?

I have a question, could excessive MO be harmful too? Or just PMOing has the negative consequences? I mean I have escalated with my own fantasies and masturbated a lot with out porn. I cant quit masturbating even with my own fantasies and i have symptoms too

the NoFap movement. Some guys who don't have a porn addiction are reporting benefits from cutting down on masturbation. Ejaculation isn't like blowing your nose, the brain changes can last fro 4-30 days...in rats. Continual overriding these normal satiation mechanisms may have effects. At least that is what researchers who study the effects of ejaculation in rats surmise. See this and follow the links to the studies -

Men: Does Frequent Ejaculation Cause A Hangover?

Doesn't mean that masturbation is bad. rather there may be a balance, like there is for all forms of stimuli and inputs.

So, is it possible to have low libido because of excessive MO? I mean, your brain knows that he could easily get sex from your own hand, why would he look for it on a real partner?

you weren't a porn user? You only masturbated?

I guess it''s possible.

I had hocd and masturbated with homosexual thoughts porn didn't work so well as my mind, I lost my fear and the arousal decreased a lot, but im afraid it can return again, could a reboot work for me? I think I've been conditioned with my own thoughts. 0 libido anyway

Ok this makes sense. HOCD is a different animal, and can occur without porn use. Often it is triggered by a single event.

So yes you can condition your sexual response to anything, using a screen or your imagination, or real life interactions.

You have probably read this page, but some of the suggestions for HOCD apply whether it was porn induced or not -

I'm straight, but attracted to transexual or gay porn (or gay attracted to straight porn). What's up?

 

It will return? Do you think i should try a reboot? I would like to quit masturbating

If the HOCD continues, you may want to find a therapist that specializes in OCD.

I have ocd but hocd is gone, but since hocd happened my body still needs masturbation to calm the anxiety, in a compulsive way

masturbation is your way of dealing with OCD. That's quite common. That's why I would suggest therapy with a therapist that specializes in OCD.

 

I am so thankful I found this site! I used to watch porn, but the mental and social effects of it always upset me so I managed to gradually cut way back on watching. I knew that I didn't "want" to watch porn, but still couldn't totally kick the habit. YBOP finally did it.

I started to realize all the ways that porn was influencing my thoughts about myself and others and grew to hate it. I was disgusted that I wasted so much time on it and grew determined to change. For the first time, YBOP taught me that I fully could and should ditch the habit. It had and has no value to me. What really did it was coming to realize that watching porn is uncharacteristic of who I am as a real person. Porn is definitely not "me" and YBOP showed me that I should and can stop.

Since then, I've been completely free for ~9 months. Its been a huge relief. Guys, you absolutely can quit and discover who you really are. Good luck!

Thanks Again!

Background: I tried cold turkey(porn and MO) in the past year, lasted about 70 days. At that point, the same old rationalizations kick in: if I can't get a good erection, then I won't be really having sex with women, so I may as well be enjoying the porn and MO. At 51, I have certainly had my share of real women experiences, so I just figure "I had my fun", because the pills are not usually reliable so I have avoided real encounters. My habits have been typically porn in the morning when I wake up and at night going to bed. At least once a day but usually twice. Due to week erection, this means the death grip is the norm.

New experience and thoughts on the Fleshlight at around 3 weeks in. Sorry if this is a little overly graphic.

I recently went in an adult store and saw the Fleshlight. I picked one up, not one of the stamina increase versions, just a plain one with some famous girls name on it, I think they are all similar except the stamina versions. I started with this and the first week was about 30% using the Fleshlight since I was not able to stay erect enough for it. But I made sure that each O was inside the Fleshlight. At 2 weeks, I was up to about 50% staying in the device and no porn at all. Close to 3 weeks now, no porn for over a week, no death grip used, only enough manual to get up enough to stay in the device. Within the past week, I have had zero desire for porn and the usual go-to fetish sites that were the mainstream formula for years. I have had several days of zero interest in MO. I have had a number of nights waking up to massive boner, although I cannot create that level of wood on demand. The MO with the Fleshlight are very natual, a whole body experience in an upright position versus the typical on my back. The Fleshlight MO is involving a lot of breathing just like the real thing, and the MO is 10 times more fulfilling. I would also suggest that my moods have improved. The over masturbation has always had an effect on moods, but I haven't been able to shake it the old method. At this point, I have an agreement that there will be no more MO without the Fleshlight. I can say that I literally have NO desire to MO without it, and there are days that I do not use it, not to mention that I wake up and do not even consider turning on my laptop to look at porn. There is something I believe( just my theory) that the porn and death grip are almost too much to break because of some deeper neuro and chemical factors. BTW if I have a day off of the Fleshlight to reload, the following day I can make 100% MO with only the Fleshlight from start to finish, and notice the erection is improved by some noticeable percentage.

My recommendation for someone that cannot make it long with pure abstaining from MO, try the Fleshlight. It took me over a week to start seeing the changes, but I can say without a doubt that I have no desire for porn and my confidence in maybe getting back to real sex is growing weekly.

I know this site promotes no MO, but I am sure there are others like me that just can't go the distance of 6 months or a year or more to find out. Maybe this will help. I will give an update in another month to see if the zero porn desire has held. If it does, I will be very happy to have broken that addiction.

I am 15 days in and I am committed to never looking at porn again or masturbating for the next 3 months. I am giving myself a total and complete detox. I am a previous user of 9 years.

I have been doing pretty well mentally thus far…although I still have to catch my wandering eye at times…but other than that I am good. I don't feel too emotionally down, occasionally anxious about the road ahead, but other than that ok. I had morning wood for the first time since i could remember and it felt great, haven't had it since two days ago though…

from what i am reading from other users, it seems i have a mix of symptoms from the reboot phases…some anxiety, some body signals, mental awareness but wandering eye.

am I overanalyzing? Have i convinced myself past the point of letting the process take its natural course with expectations of what i want?

thanks for your help!

"I vow to be a different man"

Okay I love this site and have been able to, so far, handle my porn issue...actually have gone 21 days with no porn (which I am done with forever) and no M.

Just a brief background, I'm 24 and was a user of porn for about 7 years, a lot! Like twice a nite for like a hr, 4 nights outnof the week on a good week. I experienced ED a couple of times and it had me greatly worried, hence why I am here. I vowed to never look at porn again and to not M for 3 mo to reebooting....well..

So I have been really good about not fantasizing, staying focused and busy to let my brain heal. I did this for 21 days so far. I occasionally would have a wandering eye with this one guy at work with an amazing ass but would immediately stop myself. I was reading here that it is actually ok to think about INTIMATE ONLY times with a partner during the reebooting. So sometimes I would imagine holding him, him holding me, light kisses, but no vulgar imagery....

Last night I was in bed and was just fantasizing about laying next to him. My mind started to contour up a scenario, (not from a porn film) and I was imaging making out with him. Next thing I know I have a semi-hard on, and I was like," oh ok" so I decided to just think farther....to see what would happen.

I started to do some rhythmic rubbing against my sheets (imagining kissing him and holding him) and I kid you not 3 mimes later, I was brick hard....I mean like I was so surprised I stop to look at it, and it STAYED. I was so taken back I decided to just imagine more with some light rubbing against my sheets, imaging this guy at work....I have NEVER been so aroused from simple thoughts about a guy and rubbing in my life. I know this is a lot of detail but I have to know the reason for this....

Long story short, I had a POWERFUL erection for 35 mins, I felt like a wild animal in heat. It all felt so good, and I just kept repeating the guy at works name and imaging making him feel good. I was so turned on, I gave into M....I know I shouldn't have, but I did NOT look at porn! An image or two popped up but I immediately thought back to the dude at work and my soldier was at salute for good.

I'm only 21 days into this... Did I already flatline...I remember last week being a little dull down there but not extremely....I hate that I gave in to M, but I'm sorry, the hard on was not leaving anytime soon.

What's going on with me?.. I'm not gonna fantasize or M for another 30 days to see if it was a fluke.

Looking forward to your response

"I vow to be a different man"

At the beginning of the ED article it says that some guys only need a few weeks, while others need months. However, I suspect that range is from 1 week to several years. I also suspect that the men that only need a few weeks or a month rarely post on the forums. We can only describe what we see, which may not be representative.

It would make sense that guys who catch the problem early don't need very long. According to my math you started porn at 17 - that is very old for the 20-somethings with PIED. Most of the key adolescent brain changes occur between 10-15. So I would not place you in the category of guys who grew up using porn.

Consider yourself lucky. But be aware that there may be some ups and downs with process.

Continued success

Thanks fi the response.

I just posted today about my 22 days, my libido yesterday came back :), but still no M for another 30 or so days.

Should I do anything differently? Its crazy I have no desire for porn, at all, but today was checking out a guy from behind and was ready to pounce. What should I do?

Any advice, suggestion for lengths of abstaining are greatly warranted.

"I vow to be a different man"

than don't go back to porn. That's it.

Abstaining from ejaculation is not a goal unto itself - that only applies to porn. You may find that less masturbation makes you feel better. This is your experiment.

 

I am totally committed and no longer going back to porn if these are the results...I'm notbgonna bore you with a thousands sentences so m gonna bullet my thoughts.

day 1-5ish: Positive about giving up porn, slightly anxious but stayed very busy. Still no visible attraction to people upon looking at them.

Day 6-15: No interest really in meeting men, talking, anything....still productive but just no thirst for the real thing.

Fast forward to day 21: holy shit....talk about a boner....I haven't been turned on by pure thoughts about just kissing since I was 15! The erection was hard and it stayed, almost to the point where it freaked me out...it happened again on day 22 in bed so it wasn't a fluke. I could have penetrated concrete I swear...

Other benefits:

-I have no problem speaking up and talking to people, I feel confident and sexy ( I know that sounds weird)
-I get more shit done! A TON more
- I'm happier and I look forward to what's in store.
- I don't feel guilty, I hated that feeling.
- gained 2 lbs of muscle...working out my legs to build more testosterone and wide lower frame ( when Im meeting men I'm much more engaged bc I'm "hungry" if that makes sense)

I'm not sure if this is a temporary thing or what bc most people here said it took 60-90 days...but I hope it's not....it felt sooooo good , trust me it's worth it. Maybe I will go back down into a flatline, but until then, I'm gonna enjoy the teasing urges, definitely look deeper into guys eyes in public now.

I'm committed to no porn for good, no sex for 6 mo (god help me) and M only every 20 days ( Ijust thinking about this one guy a work has me going "down there"). I think M is healthy when used with intimate fantasies of other people you like in real life. Reminds you of your man-hood, but dont over do it bc it may desensitize yiu again.I don't know about u guys but seeing my soldier hard as a brick made me feel like a beast....I loved it

Do not fall into porn, it is so worth it fellas!!!!

"I vow to be a different man"

He is standing there looking at her...
She has just walked into his room
She is wearing heavy make up
I do not know whether to look pretty
Or to hide the paleness and pain caused for doing this
Doing this takes a lot of courage or helplessness
Unless otherwise it is done willfully

He is now sitting on a sofa and staring at her
He asks her to come and sit next to him...
She obeys... With a smile on her face...
The sofa is comfortable... She thinks...
At least I won't have a sore back when done...
Last time it was painful and horrible...
But isn't it always... Even today it is...
I can't look into my eyes easily...
If I do, I can not unsee the pain, guilt and shame in my own eyes...
But I am helpless... I am doing this because I have to

And suddenly the chain of thoughts breaks
By his hand stroking her bare thigh...
Her white skin shivers with fear once again...
He has a smile on his face and in his eyes...
But there is no love in it... only lust...
She sees that pride in his eyes that enormous money brought him
But she doesn't see a warm, sensitive heart behind his eyes...

He is asking her what her name is?
She responds..."Sarah..."
But he doesn't seem to really care...
He is staring at her bosom...
With animistic hunger in his eyes...
He doesn't bother asking her a lot of questions...
And proceeds to pulling down the straps of her sleeveless top
He is hungry for her body now...

And she is passive... Because it is her job to satisfy him
She is not thinking anything now... She must cease to be a human
At least until he is done... she needs to just be a machine...
She is not a human.. for him... she is just a body
Or perhaps just a toy...
He is slowly stripping her naked...
She is a little uncomfortable... But he doesn't notice it
He doesn't know her eyes are beautiful
He is completely taken over by passion...
That is what he perhaps thinks...
It is a paid rape... But who cares... he certainly doesn't

But what am I doing here?
I am sitting on a chair...
My eyes are glued to the screen...
They are doing it on screen...
He is undressing her and bending her to his will
She is beautiful and gorgeous with that heavy make up
She looks stunning... Her body has caught my fancy...
I can't have her satisfy my carnal desire...
She is with him... But I am sitting here looking at them...
The girl is so beautiful... she is a human...
But I have also forgotten that...
Now he is inside her and she is moaning...
In pleasure or in agony I do not know...
But I like the sounds she makes....
My man organ has already awaken...
But my manhood has already died... at least fainted...
I am doing such an inhuman thing...
he is stroking her wildly behind the screen
And I am doing it to myself...
And very soon I am done....
Another of the session ends...
Even before the video has has played for over five minutes...

I have seen the girl in pain
But I haven't understood her pain
She has been forced to do it
But I have my carnal needs to meet... I do not care...
Because I do not know her...
What have I earned... A lot of dopamine...
I have lost some semen...
Other than that? Nothing much...
I have been doing it for last many years...

I have lived a quarter century...
I am single... I have not had any girlfriend...
I never needed any I guess... I was happy fapping...
I am always anxious... I need my dopamine blast
Only then can I be confident
Other than that I do not know what it is about...
I fumble... my self image is in shambles...
I am overwhelmed with a lot of guilt...
Shame is the feeling I feel inside...
I love a girl, or at least I think I do...
But she doesn't love me back...
Nor did many previous ones whom I liked...
I do not know any art, I don't read...
I don't go out... I do not bond with people...
I do not miss those silent conversations through eyes and touch
Because I have not known them at all...
I do not earn...I do not make a living for myself....
I have a man organ... But I am not a man enough...
I have seen many girls nude... I have seen many intercourse...
I have but not seen anyone emotionally naked...
I do not have a girl who is ready to be emotionally nude with me...
I am perhaps paying the prize of my deeds...
But that is still less compared to the feel good blast I get
When I get an orgasm... stroking and wasting myself to a video...
So much that I have lost all vigor to invest in a real relationship...
Other than all this... I have just lost some semen...
Nothing much... Nothing else... & Nothing substantial..

In hopes of helping others out, as this website helped me out; I am going to present my current experiences during this life changing process. To make things easier to understand and process, I will be presenting everything based in subgroups starting with a preface/background in order for the reader to better relate.

Background: I turned 21 years old in December 2014. I have been a regular fapper since the age of 15. I have developed serious cases of social anxiety, phobia towards women, and erectile disfunction. My confidences level are (were about 50 days ago) at an all time low. My sexual preferences (or rather tastes, since I could never actually try sleeping with the same sex), were changing slowly towards disturbing states ( I consider myself 100% heterosexual). Many use to call me, and many still do, a naturally socially adept person and a flirt. I am decent looking (not adonis looking, but with the right amount of intelligence, able to get most girls I desire). Although, I totally disagree with these statements now. I am in University, and live in Ontario. It is not till I was pushed towards a serious want (due to depression) to inflict self-harm (though I am not courageous enough to do something like this) that I stopped upon this website. I realized that maybe this was my problem, by the age of 21, my fapping schedule would be at least 4-7 times a day, 7 times a week. Now that you know many of my faults, and some of redeemable qualities, I will give you a semi-scientific account of my progress/history (no-fapping, amazing results).

Age 14: I discover masturbation, and the want to make love to as many women as possible. I have multiple girlfriends (6 to be exact), and achieve sexual intercourse with one. **I masturbated once a week (no negative side effects).

Age 15: I become obsessed with women, and partying. It is a good time, carefree. I start masturbating two times a week (due to not being able to get anything more than head from women).

Age 16: I continue my partying and obsession with women. All continues to go well, I have three girls friends (all with which I indulged into sexual intercourse with) before meeting a girl I fall in love with and stay with for the next three years. My love abstains from sexual intercourse until 5 months into the relationship. ** I start masturbating three times a week, twice (in one day) for the next 7 months.

Age 17: I start noticing that getting erections take much more foreplay now and sometimes I lose an erection during intercourse (I get extremely frustrated and embarrassed). Unfortunately, being young and dumb, my girlfriend thinks it is her fault, and continues her relationship with me. I start masturbating four times a week, twice a day for the remainder of that year only to lesbian porn (as i cannot get off to heterosexual porn anymore.) . I start becoming more aggressive and less emotional during sex (only remaining erect during positions like doggy style, and reverse cowgirl). Keep in my mind that accompanied to this was prioritizing social gatherings over school (further pushed towards my collapse).

Age 18: I start noticing rather disturbing tastes in porn. I can only become erect to homosexual acts (man on man), and violent porn. I start panicking, and i enter a funk that lasted 4 months (being typically aggressive, not feeling self-confident, and cheating regularly on my girlfriend.) I start masturbating five times a week, two times a day. After sexual intercourse, I have to masturbate two times to feel fully satisfied. Near the end of my 18th year, my girlfriend can no longer take my bipolar aggressive attitude, and pessimistic attitude. We break up, I become depressed for the next three months.

Age 19: I get over my girlfriend, but scarred, and afraid of committed relationships. I start sleeping at least with 4 different women a month, from January to august. My confidences severely deteriorates due to the weird sexual preferences, and lack of ambition + cloudiness of my mind.

Age 20: My masturbation becomes compulsive, and it occurs at least 4 times a day. I find that porn is better than real intercourse. I switch to tranny. I become anti social and now possess a phobia towards women. A couple of months before my birthday, I decide to take action and get out of this miserable state. I see a psychologist. She tries to prescribe pills, and I abstain. I become desperate, and find this site.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Day 1: I stop porn, I stop playing video games, I stop eating sweets, waistless web surfing, movies/tv show watching, and idle procrastination. I start going to the gym, reading, and doing my assignments from university on time. *****Keep in mind, all these bad habits accompanied my addiction to porn. But it was stopping porn that helped me stop everything else.

Day 7: Every fibre in my body pushes me to masturbate (as I do not feel confident enough to seduce a girl into sexual intercourse), I resist. I find that removing most of these bad habits, I have a lot more time to do other things. However, feeling socially exiled for such a long time makes me scared of what was to come and of the idle time I had to invest in other things.

Day 14: I am outrageously craving to masturbate. I almost relapse. I start investing my time wisely the next following days.

Day 21: I start feeling a sort of mental liberation, wanting to learn new things about history, life, cuisine, culture, languages, ethics, etc. ***Still feeling horny as ever though.

Day 35: I start wondering why I wasted so many hours in finding ways to escape. When in reality, I was putting myself in a mental prison. Watching movies, enjoying people laughing in screen, instead of going out with my friends and creating real laughters. Playing video games, trying to advance quickly, and escape, while i was actually stuck in a virtual prison never advancing. Web surfing, instead of going out or sleeping early to feel refreshed the next morning. ***I start having wet dreams again.

Day 50: I am out more with friends, studying, using my time more productively. I'm still horny, but to a lesser extent. I start loving life again. ***I no longer have a great want to masturbate anymore.

Day 65: I continue my healthy life stye, I am more closer with my friends, I no longer consider myself unable to hold conversations. However, I still feel a phobia towards women, and low self-confidence. **i start getting morning wood)

Day 78: I do not feel libido anymore, I feel as if I do not crave women or anything (asexual). I still get wet dreams, but they do not produce any after horny effect as in the past.I start getting worried, and receive a major blow to my self-confidence and phobia towards women. *** I lose my morning wood. I refrain from falling into bad habits through my studies and persistent running errands/chores.

Day 89: I still feel like I have no libido, and no desire to chase women. However, I feel like my brain is no longer cloudy, I am getting good marks in school, and am going out more and more. I still feel social anxiety towards women and have a phobia. However, this due to my own fault of not wishing to create new acquaintances and running away from new girls in non-party social settings. *** I start feeling compassion towards individuals. Before, when hearing on the news that someone died in an accident I'd shrug it off with a laugh, now i genuinely feel sorry and never wish harm towards anyone. Not even my enemies. And now I no longer look at homosexuals and feel aroused.

FUTURE plans: 1) force myself into situations i feel uncomfortable with, 2) never putting myself down, if you keep saying you lost your game, you will never get it back. fake it till you make it, 3) start talking to random girls i think are cute, or anyone in general. just start making more connections. & 4) do not over think, live in the present, never let what other people think of you to put you down. If a girl rejects you move on to the next, theres nothing wrong with you, shes just not your type, and she definitely not yours if she doesn't realize your good qualities.

Overall, based on research, the optimal amount of days is 150 days no fap (of course it doesn't mean you start at it again, just never masturbate again.)

Current benefits after 89 days:
Improved physical heath
Improved Mental health
More compassion and empathetic (which is a very good thing)
Improved execution of activities, self-improvement, and achievements.
No more want for porn (do not test yourself)
Trying new things
Slowly reversing sexual preferences.

CONS
No libido
No desire to chase women

I WILL DEFINENETLY keep everyone updated every 15 days.
At the end of the process, I will share my email, and anyone who needs help can address me!

It's been two and a half years since I first stumbled across YBOP, so I guess that's how long I've been having ED for. This is not my first reboot, I've done up to 3 months no PMO in the past, but this time I need to cure the ED once and for all because I've got a partner and I failed to achieve any sort of reaction at all with her last time she was ready for sex.

Week 1 (2/2):
Fuelled by the desire to gratify my partner, I am going to take up the reboot route. Deleted all my computer porn, all the torrents, and all the browser bookmarks that point to porn sites. Mainly japanese av that I was watching these days, and I seem to get a kick off of big breasts and uncensored japanese porn... anyway I digress. I don't recall the last time I achieved rock hard erections (probably some point in mid 2014) and the final nail in the coffin was the inability to get hard while sleeping next to a girl with decent breasts. I knew what week 1 would feel like, thankfully I'm about to start a new job and fell ill so I didn't have much free time to roam about online anyway. Pretty much the whole dead penis thing for a week, but I was too busy with other stuff to pay attention to my libido. Oh and I actually had my partner come over during day 2 and I was again unable to achieve any sort of reaction hard enough for sex... felt like a complete idiot having aroused her interest and about to have sex with her for the first time, she even laid her hand on my junk and after a few seconds she took her hands off of it. After that night I caught a cold, got a sore throat and fell ill...

Week 2:
First week at my new job, have to get out of bed around 7 in the morning instead of the usual late morning at 9. Morning wood is present on most days this week, and especially hard on one of the days after having a full bladder. Am reading up on stuff about this being possible a good sign that there are no physical issues, but I am really suspicious today (end of week 2) because I am rereading the simple 2 stage test for PIED on YBOP and it did say that if you're unable to achieve strong hard erections on both number 1 and 2 then it COULD be an organic problem. freaked me out, I decided to try the test before going further with rebooting. Well guess what, with the first test (no porn, touch only) the penis was as dead as squashed bug, with perhaps only a 5% gain in size. I gripped it with my right hand standing up. Test number 2, with my favourite porn, I felt a tinge of guilt pleasure as it has been 2 weeks since I last checked in on the japanese porno news, and I quickly selected a new release from one of my favourite actresses who had taken a 2 year long sabatical. I thought, if anything, this would surely do the job. It certainly did bring my penis to an elevation of 90 degrees while standing and stroking, and more while sitting. I tried to be patient and watched the entire 90 minutes of the dvd from beginning to end, something I don't normally do. But it was pretty useless, the erection is semi-hard at best, quickly died out, and was never hard enough for penetration. I knew I was in deep trouble, it could mean I have an organic issue instead. Quickly did a search for viagra, and started worrying that I may have diabetes/high blood pressure/hidden problem... so yeah technically I've killed the reboot and I need to start over again, but I'm now kinda worried and thinking of seeing a doctor about it (but who? this is so embarrassing!)

suggests every man see a urologist to rule out organic causes. Such causes are very rare in men under 40, but they can occur.

good luck

I just hit the 30 day mark a few days ago - the longest streak I've gone without PMO in probably 20 years. It feels great. I had all kind of ED issues, mostly due to what I thought was simple anxiety. I never connected it to PMO until about 6 months ago. It took some time to go cold turkey. I am sexually active and have sex about once a week but needed to PM and edge for several days before having sex to build myself up and get into the zone. When it would come time for sex, sometimes I would be ok but about half the time I would just be dead soft and would have to jerk it until I was edging before I could sex. And sexing while edging, while fun, isn't the same as the slow build.

Anyway, now that I'm 30 days in I'm getting hard right away and having that great slow climb to orgasm. The first few weeks were tough and my mind was struggling but around day 25 I got the most amazing handie and my girl kept commenting "it's so hard!" and "wow, I love feeling it grow!" which was the opposite of "why does it go soft?" that she was giving me a mere month ago.

then around day 28 or 29 we had intercourse and I was rock stiff the whole time - never thinking about anything but her, focused only on how hot she was and how good it felt.

PMO is real, but it can be fixed. 30 days after being clean, I feel like a new man. I still M but only because I'm so damn horny all the time. no more edging though - I slowly bring myself to O using only the feeling of physical touch and finish when I get there. I'm no longer anxious about being with a real partner. I'm not worried about performing. I'm starting to enjoy every minute of sex instead of dreading sex, which I dreaded for years.

I'm also noticing all the hot women around me, and am being turned on by things that used to turn me on when I was 17. Their pantylines, their shoes, they way they walk, they way they touch their hair. I'm loving this, and now that I've made it this far have no desire to PMO and break my streak. I plan to keep this going because the benefits are sooooo worth it!

Free at last

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