I am a porn addict. I’m a lot of other things too, but this is one thing I’m not proud of. Porn addiction can seem like a strange idea to some people because on the one hand, there isn’t really much of a stigma attached to porn in the general sense; it’s sort of accepted as normal that guys look at porn.
And its effects are not widely understood or discussed. But to be addicted to it is viewed as a perversion; something that very few people would admit openly to. Alcoholism used to be like that. Now, it’s sort of cool to admit you’re in AA; there’s a certain status conferred upon such spiritual warriors. No one would think worse of you for turning down a drink at a party. But you had better think twice about announcing that you’re a porn addict at a PTA meeting…
Even though I quit porn almost a year ago, there are still times that I think about looking at porn. A couple of times, I actually did. Given what I now know about porn, it’s pretty amazing that I’d ever mess with it again. That just goes to show what a powerful addiction it can be.
My long history with porn began when I was about 12 or 13. I discovered some magazines in my Dad’s bedroom. I’m not sure what I was looking for, but boy was I surprised when I stumbled upon his stash. His magazines were cover-to-cover hard-core porn; very explicit, detailed depictions of sex acts. I had seen Playboys before, but this was something else entirely! I had never seen anything like this before. I didn’t know that people did things like that; it was highly interesting and very exciting. After snooping some more, I found a couple of VHS tapes, also of hard-core porn. I had already discovered masturbation, but this took it to a whole new level. From then on, I was hooked. This was long before the availability of high-speed internet porn, but I managed (with the help of a friend) to steal some magazines from the local drug store since I was too young to buy them. Thus began my education in all things sexual. Sadly, this was the only stream of information available to me on the subject.
Over a period of years, I explored the world of porn through magazines and videos and, as it slowly became available, the internet. Back then, internet porn was nothing like it is now. Videos were hard to come by, and I had to hunt to find pictures I really liked. Eventually, it was easier to find what I was looking for, and I began to amass a collection. At first, it wasn’t very organized, but over time, I began sorting, categorizing and culling my porn collection with care. It’s hard to know if my selections were based on my innate preferences, or if my preferences were being shaped by the images I saw. Either way, I developed a strong attachment to my porn collection, and formed some pretty specific tastes. Of course, I had no concept of the connection between sex and human relationships; all I saw in the porn was people doing things to each other, so I thought that’s what it was all about. Besides, porn was easy; I didn’t have to deal with girls rejecting me because in porn and fantasy, they never did.
Throughout my teen years, I was painfully shy. I had a very negative self-image, especially in relation to girls, so I didn’t date much. It wasn’t until college that I lost my virginity. In spite of the years of fantasizing about that moment, the experience was quite disappointing to me. It was nothing like what I had seen in porn; I guess that’s what I was expecting. I found it impossible to enjoy my aroused state and reach orgasm in the presence of another person. I thought it was just a result of being nervous; but looking back, I now know that I had a warped idea of what sex between real people was like on top of having severely reduced my sensitivity through my excessive use of porn, fantasy and masturbation. Unfortunately, several decades elapsed before I realized any of that…
Fast forward 25 years. I had been married for almost 20 years. We had a good relationship, but our sex had become routine; boring. I couldn’t get excited about it. In fact, I couldn’t orgasm during sex anymore except by smoking weed and trying really hard. I still wanted to do it a lot even though it wasn’t much fun. This was confusing to me because my wife is incredibly attractive; very sexy. At least I had an awesome porn collection that I could surf for hours reaching states very high arousal and have multiple mind-blowing orgasms. But deep down, I knew that something was very wrong; I just couldn’t put my finger on the root cause and had no idea how to make things better. In hindsight, it should have been obvious…
Then one day, I read a post on some forum where a guy described himself as a “porn zombie”. He talked about how unhappy he was, how his life had become essentially all about porn; how he would hide his activities, sneak porn surfing sessions at night even after sex with his wife, and how much of the time his mind was dominated by perverted thoughts. I related to everything he said. Then something interesting happened. He said he quit porn for good. I had tried to do that many times without success. What had he done differently than me? He had mentioned that what helped him quit was some stuff he found on yourbrainonporn.com. I don’t remember if I finished the post or not, but I went straight over to that site and started reading like crazy and watching the videos. Within a few hours, I had deleted my carefully collected porn archive. The whole thing. Years worth of painstaking hunting, categorizing, sorting and archiving gone all in one shot. Boom. I had never even considered doing that before, but learning about what porn had done to my brain made me angry which inspired me to take immediate action.
The first few months were hard. It wasn’t all that difficult to avoid porn at that point given how much I wanted to heal from its effects. But the withdrawal symptoms were intense. I had lots of trouble sleeping. In fact, I developed a case of Restless Leg Syndrome. It sounds like a silly thing if you’ve never experienced it, but it’s horrible. I’d be lying in bed, just about to drift off to sleep and suddenly my legs would just have to move. It’s like a bolt of electricity zapping through my body jolting me awake. Then the whole thing repeats over and over. It was very frustrating! I was afraid that I had done some permanent damage to my brain. Thankfully, the restless legs calmed down eventually, but it took about 2-3 months. Also, within that time, I was finding sex with my wife to be enjoyable again; like really, really good. I was able to have erections just from being with her. Then I had to struggle not to reach orgasm instead of the other way around! All of the intimacy that I had been craving was right there the whole time and all I had to do was be there for it, and not somewhere else off in fantasy land…
It’s been almost a year since my reboot. In that time, my relationship with my wife has improved beyond what I had ever thought possible. My business is taking off. My life is good…no it’s great! I still think about using porn from time to time, but every time I do, I remind myself how much better my life is now and how I can’t it have both ways. Then the choice is easy.
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