Tausaga 25 - 1 Tausaga Faigata Faigata: Mai matuitui popolega lautele agaʻi i se mea sili atu

I imagine this might get asked – so first things first, I’m mid twenties.

Hope everyone’s doing ok – I wanted to share some thoughts to possibly help out others.

Lets preface this – It’s going to be long. I know you guys are like me and your brain will tell you to skim it or flick to another tab, but if you feel like it then give it a read. I’ve never really expressed myself about something like this in such detail so it may not be the most captivating read. I did try to be honest though.

Here’s some reading music to keep you company:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4g7mPUskW8

So, I started all this shit because of social anxiety. I was sitting in a restaurant on holiday one evening (we’d been there the previous night) and I realized how absurdly different the reaction from the waitress was on the different evenings.

On the first evening I was pretty drunk, and the reaction was far more friendly and smiley and talkative. The next evening I was sober and I suppose the vibe I was giving off was just completely anti social and it absolutely showed in the feedback I was getting from this waitress.

Of course this is all obvious, but for whatever reason it absolutely struck home that i fucking HAD to change. I always knew I had to change – but I had some resolute idea that everything would eventually be ok. This was the point the ton of bricks crushed me; I NEED TO MAKE THINGS BETTER – ITS ALL ON ME.

When I got back I stumbled across an article that suggested different drugs and their different effects on the brain. I realized that all the drugs that have a significant effect on dopamine availability or upregulation were the ones that quelled my social anxiety.

This got me on to dopamine desensitization and in turn, no fap.

Those first two weeks I was fucking intensely happy, I thought I had it all figured out. I literally felt like I was on speed for the entire time as shit was finally going to be coming together.

Anyway fast forward a little bit, there are ups and downs and I do feel like I’m improving, but I’m kind of just WAITING for that day to click when the social anxiety it gone. I’m reading all sorts of reports about the guys who it took 60-70-80 days or whatever for shit to change, and I’m clinging onto those like a fuckin sloth. I became an expert on googling positive outcomes on no fap and social anxiety – I phrased it in 300 different ways to get different results to continue motivation (:D)

With that said, If we go back a little I’ve been on a spiral for fucking years of gaming/fapping/computer that is just a constant dopamine chase. This shit is a huge cause of my social anxiety for certain (I was slightly shy but extremely outgoing as a kid/young teen). I got into gaming as an avoidance behaviour for some hard family shit I was going through and never realized I was truly addicted for way too fucking long. I think it’s because when I wasn’t gaming I was either out drinking or doing some other dopamine intense activity – this meant I never got withdrawls so didn’t think I could be addicted. Oh my word how stupid I was.

Annnnyway, on with the no fap report. I get to 100 days + and the benefits I’ve seen are kind of there but are kind of stagnating. The one thing I can truly say is that no fap and dopamine desensitization gives you ENERGY. Unequivocally this is the case. Mental energy, physical energy. I started working out far more intensely and never missed a workout, I started meditation.

My social anxiety is unfortunately still present at the above stage, though I do want to say I made some interesting breakthroughs in this period. About the 40-50 day mark I had a few weeks at work where my wit was completely with me – this NEVER happens. I exchange pleasantries and smalltalk usually but my wit and personality just fucking evaporate and I cannot be myself – it’s so frustrating. I do not lack social skills they just fucking leave me when i’m with people (even ones I’ve known quite a long time). People at work must’ve thought it was weird as fuck!! This slowly disappeared after a while and I went back to the slightly better than pre no-fap social anxiety level that I had. This might be caused by the self esteem from having self control and doing something positive, or possibly just the higher dopamine availability, who knows.

Just to note – that whole 100~ day period was no fap and no gaming. I was still using the computer (I did try to limit it here and there – I also did some no music periods which was SO hard – but it made me start liking some simple pop music again which was kind of cool – I was listening to so much music that only ultra melodic prog with loads of counter melodies would really do it for me. Either that or something unique I hadn’t heard before).

So, after this 100 days I decide shit has to get real – It;s time to go no computer – this must be the last bastion of dopamine right?

Holy FUCK the first week was hard. This is coming from someone who has been using the computer every day for fucking god knows how many years. Only times I wasn’t using it I was otherwise occupied by drinking or some kind of activity that completely absorbs you. Meditation certainly helped with this – it taught me how to deal with being bored. My days consisted of reading, meditating, exercise and eating.

To be honest, I found it somewhat depressing, but I was also hopeful that my social anxiety would dissipate so I soldiered on with it. There were also times I genuinely felt great, I cannot understand why – I think the brain needs time to be bored in order to truly be happy possibly – I haven’t dwelled on that one too much yet.

Time started actually going faster – there were really no figurative landmarks to use as a reference point. I went out drinking with friends a couple times (very very heavy drinking – don’t do this!) but that’s about it. I’m lucky to have my friends from childhood when I was sociable; they’ve stuck by me to some extent but I don’t see them all that much.

This no computer period didn’t make a noticeable impact on my social anxiety, however I did learn something from it. I should’ve learned this years ago; I suppose all this nonsense was just a way of avoiding what I didn’t want to hear – but it was also more than that – I truly believe dopamine desensitization is VITAL in overcoming social anxiety (or a number of ‘mental health’ issues). Having an addiction that lets you escape and avoid shit without feeling pain is terrible, and it gives you an easy road which can lead to never being truly fulfilled. It also means your dopamine receptors are rinsed 24/7 so when you’re trying to overcome things you don’t have the energy or vitality to do so (it’s too hard to build new pathways when the receptors are greatly reduced in the first place).

Onto the realization of it all – EXPOSURE is fucking vital. It’s EVERYTHING. No fap is also vital – the energy it gives you is needed, but you have to transfer it. I looked back and realized that every significant ‘up’ I had was after a chance period of extra social exposure (i always get SOME exposure, but this was more), and then I went back to base level.

I’m talking a TITANIC, never fucking quit effort. You get out of the house every day, there are NO excuses. I remember back at university I thought the exposure thing was kinda bullshit because I was going out to classes quite a lot and seeing a lot of people – but what was I doing in the time between those events, and on the days off? I was sitting fucking gaming or some worthless other shit. If I did make a big effort to improve, I would reward myself with a nice long gaming session and feel happy because I had tried so hard – NOPE – GET THE FUCK OUT THERE AGAIN. Your reward is longterm, NOT short term. This whole thing is about replacing short term reward with long term fulfillment.

It will get easier, it does get easier. I have learned a great amount about myself – I’m sad that it took me so long to learn these things, but I avoided thinking with gaming and wanking for too long to ever really process anything.

I made a little journal and wrote some things down during my no computer days (yep that bored). Here are some bits that I’ve found to be particularly relevant to me (and maybe someone else – I hope so).

• Daydreaming is NOT meditation. It is the opposite. Meditation is a conscious process, not a chance to daydream and drift away.
• On feeling down/depressed – How you feel now is NOT how you will always feel. It’s sometimes impossible to comprehend the fact in the current moment, but KNOW this. Things can change in a flash.
• Be as awkward as you have to be. Do the positive things you thought you couldn’t bear to do. You WILL become addicted to them eventually (loose sense of the word addicted).
• DON’T QUIT. NEVER. FUCKING. QUIT. It will take a momentous, inexorable fucking effort, but it WILL BE WORTH IT.
• That awkward, cringeworthy feeling after a social encounter, AIM to feel that way. That’s what you need to feel, that’s what you want to feel. The more you observe yourself and others being social, the more you realise shit like this happens all the time and is forgotten about.

**tldr; No fap gives you energy, alone it only makes a minimal, minimal impact on social anxiety, but it can change your disposition and outlook and give you what you need to persevere with change.

Exposure, every day. Without fail. You don’t want to hear it (it took me obscenely long to accept this fact), but it is what it is. Get out of the fucking house. Never accept isolation, EVER again.**

Maybe someone will read it all, maybe not. I’ve wanted to write this for a little while so it feels good to write it all down regardless. There is a ton more I wanted to say but I can’t bring it all to mind or articulate it at the moment – maybe another time.

Keep fighting guys 🙂