I decide to share my story here to express my gratitude for abstaining for 50 days now. I do not consider myself distinctly successful, but i think it belongs here somehow.
Trigger warning: I’m not going to describe details about fapping itself, but sometimes I’ll describe “setting” and preparation of my sessions to emphasize depth of the problem. So if you feel you may be triggered by this just stop reading. I’ll try to keep it as SFW as possible though.
My PMO slavery started many years ago anyway it takes a lot of time to fully develop some specific kinks. Probably my first deviation was “panties fetish” which very quickly developed to “cross dressing”. I did this for many years and in some part of my life I owned huge shopping bag filled with woman underwear and lingerie. Mostly purchased something stolen either from stores or real women. Although I have to hide it i never really consider it as something harmful. Just an innocent kink.
But it makes me think. Am I gay? Am I trans? Even if I dated girls i felt unsure about my sexual identity. Besides it i develop some other fetishes like hentai, furries and even zoophilia. I never left any of these kinks so i kept push them through my life since my early teens.
And then i discovered sissy fetish. It conveniently expanded my cross-dressing and started to fall deeper and deeper in this vortex. Hypno videos, faproulettes (what an evil thing!) and of course all the sex toys, clothes and accessories.
Although I was in relationship i still continued with this. I was looking forward to moments when i was alone and do all that disgusting stuff. Whenever i got home earlier than my SO i PMOed until she came home. Of course i had to keep track on her schedule and check her to stay unrevealed. It was crazy and humiliating. I started to lose interest in sex. We broke up several times because of it. (I didn’t even realize it’s because of it – i thought i need space to express myself, but in fact all i wanted was to fap).
I opened bank account for my dirty desires and every month send x % of my income there only to spend it on sex toys and cross dressing accessories. When my SO left for week or so i was able to spend whole week in some strange PMO session. Bought clothes, toys, cosmetics, spent days in female underwear, did sissy trainings, enemas, humiliation. You name it. I used to edge for many days just to jerk off, sometimes using drugs. When this sessions ended i felt like i crap. I was disgusted by myself, i discarded all that stuff i spent my money on, i spent whole week and don’t achieve anything but one crappy orgasm. I was a mess. And I was looking forward to it with thrill! What a fool.
I could go weeks and months without fapping, but i spent most of my free time thinking about it. I used to believe that it’s the way I’m. That I’m broken filthy freak. I accepted I’ll be like this. That i’ll marry girl, have a kids and will hide in bathroom to fap. That I’ll spend the rest of my life lying.
I tried to quit many times. But I believed i can’t and so i always failed. I was looking for excuses for failure and I’ll always find some. I had no hope at all.
But one day… I’m not sure how this happened exactly. It was many many small things. I proposed to my GF, i started to do my own business, we traveled for some time, we went to some partner course, i started wonder about God… And i just decided i want to stop for good. I did maybe 3 days on my own and then i signed up here. I met guys here who helped my understand my kinks and more importantly explained me I’m not unfixably broken and all that shit was induced by porn. I got hope. And it was the breaking point. I believed i can beat it and i can have normal life.
I felt incredibly freely. After so many years of despair and humiliation! All this make it unbelievably easy to quit. I still wonder why i did that for so long? Wonder why i was so incredibly stupid.
My life feels so fulfilled and happy now. I enjoy the simplest stuff in the world. Bird singing, street cats, trees in blossom. Also i feel amazing improvement in my sex life. We don’t make love more often, maybe even less than before, but every act is so great and fulfilling. I really feel deeper connection than ever.
I also have more time and confidence to focus on my work and hobbies. I started write again after so many years (in my teens i was a poet), just for fun and for people i like.
It’ve been just 50 days, but it changed my life more than it changed in years. I just feel happier and more confident. I feel i become better person.
I hope my story may be helpful for others and i’m so glad i can share it with you. Thanks to anybody who read the whole thing, you’re great.
Good luck to all of you guys
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