Tip 3 is a multi-step process for finding safe places to fail.
In sponsoring and working with guys in the 12 step sex addiction recovery fellowship I have noticed that those who consistently struggle and fail are those who keep the struggle to nofap or pornfree only. They are consistently playing Defense with their backs up against the cliff. One mistake and they are over the edge into fapping or looking at porn or whatever their bottom line behaviors are. So how to escape this and play offense instead? Define my excuses and rationalizations for my behaviors, find out where else those excuses and rationalizations are at work and fight the battles there. That way I can lose the battle but win the war.
What does this look like? For me I have a list of rationalizations and excuses for violating my bottom lines a mile long.
‘I’m not hurting anyone.’
‘I deserve to feel good every once and awhile’
‘What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her’
‘If she only said yes I wouldn’t have to do this’
‘If she took care of herself I would want to have sex with her’
‘It’s not like it matters.’
‘Fail today, fail tomorrow. Failure is guaranteed so what’s the point?’
‘Every guy does it and women accept it as boys will be boys’
and on and on and on etc ad nauseum.
How does this help? Well, this isn’t the only area I use the excuses. I use them everywhere I want to slack or justify doing the wrong thing. I drive like an idiot because what people don’t know can’t hurt them (I am anonymous when I drive like an asshole), I deserve to get where I want to go as quickly as I can (entitlement), Everybody does it, and if other people drove normally I wouldn’t have to. Same excuses I use to justify fapping and porn. I binge eat because I deserve to eat what I want when I want (entitlement), no one cares what I look like (it doesn’t matter), everyone binges sometimes, I’m not hurting anyone (except me) etc. I slack at work because what they don’t know won’t hurt them, everyone does it, if they looked out for me I would look out for them etc.
By identifying where these excuses are at work in my life I can fight the battle against my dark side at work, in traffic, at home and lose occasionally without looking at porn or fapping. So I slacked at work yesterday and need to work on that. I ate too much last night and it is on my radar and needs to be dealt with. When I am fighting the battle on these fronts I do not slip into my porn/fapping addictions. I also become a good person along the way and begin to feel like I am worth taking care of and deserve the good things that come my way in life. I drive in a sane way now, eat in a healthy way and am a much better worker now and I don’t fap or look at porn.
Hope this helps.