A year ago, I had an 8-10x/week habit. Then my daughter learned to walk and sneak out of her crib at night.

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I stopped, cold turkey. I had wondered before if I maybe had an addiction, but I never really gave it much thought. The first night was hard.

The second night was hard.

The third night was hard, and I was aching.

By the end of the first week, I felt like I'd been put on a diet. It was all I could think about. The second week was incredibly difficult. I began to see women differently. Previously, I'd see a pretty girl and subconsciously think that it would be fun to have some photos of her. During the second week, my thought process became primal. I didn't want pictures of her, I wanted her. I spent too much time thinking about what I'd like to do with the women around me. This didn't help with the frustration at all. I came close to resetting my counter several times.

During the 3rd and 4th weeks, it got easier. After the first month, I'd broken the habit. I no longer had a thought process that ended with me closing tabs and wiping up my shame. The urges hadn't completely left me, and they still haven't, but the habit is gone. It's no longer an easy trap to just fall into.

Over the last year, my daughter has learned to talk and my wife and I had a son. Coincidentally, he was conceived about a year ago. I'm looking forward to never having to explain to my children why daddy touches himself at night.

LINK - A year ago, I had an 8-10x/week habit. Then my daughter learned to walk and sneak out of her crib at night. I had to make a change.

by Nesman64

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Sorry for an interminable post. I'm an addict and have begun the first serious attempt to recover, after many failures, denial and a permanent feeling of worthlessness. I find myself typing what I could never say earlier. I'm amazed at how similar my story is with those posted here. The same patterns – inability throughout a decade of abuse to identify porn addiction as the problem. Blaming myself and everything else, turning to porn when all seemed bleak, one last hit before suicide or derangement, a constant feeling of letting my partner down every single night and day and avoiding the person I should be closest to because of that. I'm into the third week now, this is the longest ever, and I'm writing because just as others stories might have saved me, I hope mine saves someones life too.

Even a year previosly I might have laughed at any comparison of porn and cocaine, but now I believe it. I guess all guys are vulnerable to porn and everybody faps at sometime in life/the day/month, but I think lonely and shy people are extra vulnerable. Because these women look at you with so much desire that they become your greatest friends as you keep clicking for variety – more and more playmates dying to get laid by you, ready to be rewound or fast-forwarded, to take you in their mouths and repeat something if you liked it. Sex slowly becomes something you watch, not something you do, it can only take place in solitude and among pixellated dots. The presence of a real person is something your brain doesn't know how to respond to. I have gone through sex desperately recalling porn till my brain is tired of flashing images,in that moment in that dark you kiss without feeling anything, you touch without being affected by it, and as your partner is aroused you it feels so alien, something you can't relate to or share. In the moment of coming you are completely alone, concentrating on dead-horse-flogged porn memories till you orgasm. I understood affection, caring, friendship and even beauty but I could never link these to sex in real life. So sex in real life was always humiliating afterwards, and I think that reinforced it, like a rat that gets an electric shock for doing something it's not supposed to do till it learns how to behave in the cage. Sex was always about a streaming clip – a purely visual and audio (some conversation, and only a woman's moaning and commands for more and occasionally the man's unwelcome grunt) experience: the only smell and taste was of my own body, same for touch. In that solitude I forgot everytime that I was a loner fapping to a video in a closed room when the world was full of people out there audaciously meeting, talking, laughing, listening, snogging and actually making love. I accepted I could never live that life. I was lost in a fever as one link led to another, and one woman was taking off her clothes while others were loading, and more were popping up and smiling at me.

They say one thing that never goes away in an addiction is the joy the substance you abused has given you, so that despite the trauma you keep going back to it till you're wasted and half dead. That's how I am now in any case, scarred and unable to believe how long it went on. But strange that one difference is I was never into extra hardcore porn, or any of the bizzare stuff. I liked clips with a story especially in which unsaid rules of society are transgressed. I'm from a conservative mostly Muslim country, so the possibility that a teacher, a neighbor, someone else's wife, someone from another religion, a classmate all being willing sex partners is something I could never get enough of. Over fifteen years of addiction I did not feel the need to go into incest, bestiality or any of that as some others say they had to. I'm not judging them, just saying maybe because of the conservatism of my family and society I didn't need to go that far to be aroused or shocked. A teacher lifting her skirt and placing a male students hand in her panties in her office was incredibly thrilling to watch. In a way I think it made me happy to see these women act with so much freedom, to see them happy (even if they were acting, but I forgot that each time), I don't know. All I needed was a sea of changing faces, different colours and ethnicity. Small things like a latina accent or two japanese girls would get me high. I think what clinched it for me every time and explains why porn would mean so much to lonely people who run from society every chance they get is what I call the 'moment'. You see this often on the naughty america clips. This is the moment when something snaps, when a normal scene with a normal conversation (which could take place in my life) becomes a sex scene (which could never take place in my life). Although these actresses are porn stars i wouldn't say the acting is third-rate. It's fairly competent. So that moment was the bright spot for me, day after day, in an otherwise empty miserable life in which I avoided everybody, never knew what to say to people of either gender, and gritted my teeth through the day and waited till I could rush back from office into my hideout of blankets, pillows and an internet connection. Or at work I would see a woman colleague and imagine a tongue kiss, a reverse cowgirl and a long cumshot, but if she spoke to me I would get away. Porn had made me James Bond in the virtual world and asexual in the real world.

A few clicks can make a loser feel so powerful, and all these women are only waiting for you, they don't want money, you don't need to be sexy or handsome or smart, all they ask for is internet bandwidth and a private room, headphones and a towel or tissue. I found that I could not fap to a video if I had seen it earlier, especially after the first four or five years of addiction, but there is no limit to how many women are willing to come for you. Again because of my conservative religious background I guess I was aroused (or almost hypnotised) by scenes in which women were assertive and they really wanted it and demanded sex from a man. Because that is impossible for my society to accept (veiling, adultery laws etc) so maybe the psychology is that what I was taught to deny, I wanted to see virtually. Or maybe I was always shocked and that only made me more addicted. If a scene was just about raw sex with a penis going in and out it never never interested me, I think I wanted to see the womens faces and expressions and feel involved with their lives and bodies in some way. And a porn actresses's body is perfect, never old, never ugly, never with bad breath or sweat odor, it's purely visual.

The question is then why did I stop now because if 15 years of my life have been wasted, I could have stopped earlier, to waste only 5, 6, 10 years, or else not stop at all and just ruin everything and wait to die in an accident some day or OD on sleeping pills. One thing was Gabe's video, it made all the difference. I was amazed he had the bravery to speak about this to his friends and family and to put himself on the web. I realized I had been a secretly suffering addict and maybe that is the way to remain addicted. Another was the theory that you have to hit rock bottom before you can defy an addiction. Gabe and other accounts on yourbrainonporn made me realize it is possible to recover if you stop (which I had stopped believing) and it is impossible to recover if you continue (I believed that somehow).

I think the main thing that forced me to change was the realization after reading others posts that my partner had not deserted me, she easily could have if she wanted to, so I wanted to finally change for her sake. I realize that many men have destroyed relationships because of porn addiction, but I also come across many whose partners have been supportive after knowing about it (instead of slapping, abusing and walking out, calling you a pervert, which would be more humiliating). I really respect these women for the ability to support the addict and not blame it on poor will or see the term 'addiction' as an excuse for being a filthy mind. I live in the West now and really want to get to a stage when I can respect women and see how that respect is related to (not the opposite of) real sex.

One symptom of recovery Gabe described is crying and having breakdowns. That so happened to me in the first week, along with all other symptoms of flatlining. Feeling of void, inability to focus on work, shrunken penis, and zero desire no matter what. I was sobbing alone for no reason by day 5. I avoided the internet as much as I could, started going out, and rarely even meeting people. I thought there would more change into week 2 and now week 3 but I don't think so. Maybe a weak morning wood and some erotic dreams I can't remember. About twenty times a day there are fantasies of porn memories but it usually leads to no arousal, maybe very little. I keep trying not to think about sex. Maybe there will be some progress in weeks 4 and 5, although I'm preparing for same or worse. Maybe some day I'll be able to be kissed by a girl and feel something for the first time in life, without a reel of fantasy in my mind.

So I want to say life is too precious to waste away, and I think many years from now we will understand more of what internet high speed porn has done to the male brain. But don't wait for research and the world of peer-reviewed journals to prove what you already know.

Hey BurntGuppy,

 

First I want to say congratulations on deciding to change your life and get rid of this addiction. As a guy who has walked through the valley of the shadow of porn induced erectile dysfunction, and experienced the emotional/neurological roller coaster that comes with cutting off an addiction, I can honestly say I know how this feels.

 

You are a great writer and just did a brilliant job of putting your thoughts into words. I can tell you are strong and will come out of this on the other side a very strong and loving man, ready to pursue your passions and dreams. 

 

Those flashbacks tend to go away with time, and the flatline period will subside as well. Just be patient and keep filling your time with other healthy things. Be patient when waiting to see improvement, 15 years of addiction can take some time to reverse itself, but have hope that as long as we live our brains can change. 

 

Life is too precious to waste away, you are still alive and simply writing this post means those years of addiction are not wasted, because others will read this and be inspired and encouraged by a man sharing his advice and experience. I know I am inspired by you, it seems to have come full circle. I hope the best for you.... 

-Gabe