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当她才10岁，还在上小学时，Courtney Daniella Boateng开始在网上观看性爱。
在这里，这位23岁的年轻人揭示了她的成瘾如何消灭了她，直到她四年前终于与之抗衡。
“盯着电脑屏幕，我震惊地看到一个男人和女人进行口交的视频。 我只有10岁，我知道我不应该看这个，但我无法停止。
All the grunting and grinding – was this the “sex” that they raved about in films and music?所有的抱怨和磨难-这是他们在电影和音乐中大肆宣传的“性”吗？ I couldn't tear my eyes away.我无法睁开眼睛。 It was the first time I'd seen anything like it.这是我第一次看到类似的东西。
我一直是一个好奇的孩子，经常询问从动物到科学的所有问题，当我的父母忙碌或忙碌时，我转向YouTube来满足我的好奇心。
因此，当我2007年XNUMX月在伦敦北部小学的最后一年，性爱成为我们悄悄的操场上窃窃私语的焦点时，我决定使用Google“性爱录像带”，以为我会得到一个教育视频。
Instead it brought up a link to Pornhub.相反，它打开了与Pornhub的链接。 That Wednesday afternoon, with my parents downstairs and my six-year-old sister playing next door, I got my first glimpse at sex.那个星期三下午，父母在楼下，我六岁的妹妹在隔壁玩耍，我对性有了第一眼的印象。
按下按钮说我今年18岁，这太容易了。妈妈和爸爸没有打开父母锁，因为他们信任我，而且没有网站要求输入ID。
The video shocked me – it was like nothing I'd seen before and I immediately wanted to see more.录像震惊了我–就像以前从未见过的一样，我立即想看更多。 I soon got into a routine – a couple of times a month when I knew my parents were working late, I'd pull up Pornhub and search for “first loves” or “married couple”.我很快开始参加例行活动-每个月几次，当我知道我的父母迟到时，我会拉起Pornhub并寻找“初恋”或“已婚夫妇”。
一周浪费时间
一个月左右后，我只能几天没有色情了-我的脑海会随着看到的图像旋转-我完全迷上了。
To cover my tracks, I'd delete my search history, and put my school bag in the way of the door to stop anyone barging in while I watched.为了掩盖我的足迹，我将删除搜索历史记录，并将书包放在门旁，以阻止观看时任何人闯入。 I hid my secret pastime from my friends too, as I didn't want to be the first to broach the subject.我也向朋友隐藏了我的秘密消遣，因为我不想成为第一个提出这个话题的人。
My obsession continued throughout secondary school.在整个中学期间，我的痴迷一直持续着。 By then, I was wasting two or three hours a week watching porn.那时，我每周浪费两三个小时看色情片。
I'd mostly watch clips with a romantic story line I could follow, but sometimes I saw aggressive situations I didn't like.我通常会观看带有浪漫故事情节的剪辑，但有时我会看到自己不喜欢的激进情节。 When I saw girls being thrown about, with little choice in what was going on, I'd quickly shut down my browser and try to blank it out of my head.当我看到女孩被扔出去时，别无选择时，我会迅速关闭浏览器，并尝试将其从头顶上清除掉。
2013年，我15岁时，我与色情的关系发生了变化。那是每个青少年在学校的最后一年，压力很大-荷尔蒙激增的荷尔蒙正在应对学术压力，并且担心是否有人喜欢你。
I began to have intense anxiety a couple of times a month and I'd turn to porn for an escape.我开始每个月有几次强烈的焦虑，为了逃避，我会求助于色情片。 I began masturbating too – each orgasm bringing a wave of relief.我也开始自慰–每个高潮都带来一阵解脱。
However, while it gave me a short-term distraction from stress and anxiety, within minutes I'd want another go.但是，尽管这让我短期内摆脱了压力和焦虑，但在几分钟之内我还是想再去一次。 I became addicted to the dopamine rush.我对多巴胺热衷上瘾了。
By June 2014, I was masturbating to porn two or three times a week.到XNUMX年XNUMX月，我每周要手淫两次或三次色情。 When friends admitted they sometimes watched porn too, I was relieved – but I didn't dare confess the extent of my habit.当朋友们承认他们有时也看色情片时，我感到宽慰-但我不敢承认自己习惯的程度。
Still I couldn't stop, and by the following February, I'd had enough.仍然无法停止，到第二年二月，我受够了。 The stress of applying to university to study political and social science, coupled with raging hormones, meant my anxiety was out of control.申请大学学习政治和社会科学的压力，再加上激素的肆虐，意味着我的焦虑情绪已经失控。
我告诉我的父母和医生，每天与焦虑症作斗争时，都暗示更多的睡眠和运动会有所帮助，但都没有。
I felt suffocated, and that month I tried to take my own life by overdosing on paracetamol.我感到窒息，那个月我试图通过过量服用扑热息痛来自杀。 I locked myself in the bathroom, where my sister found me sprawled unconscious on the floor and called an ambulance.我把自己锁在浴室里，姐姐在那儿发现我无意识地躺在地板上，叫了一辆救护车。
As the doctors prodded and poked me, my devastated mum asked why I'd done it.当医生挑逗我并戳我时，我饱受摧残的妈妈问我为什么这样做。 Embarrassed, I didn't mention my porn addiction, but I knew it was a factor.不好意思，我没有提到我的色情成瘾，但我知道这是一个因素。 I'd become obsessed with using orgasms to relieve my anxiety, but my addiction was also helping to fuel it.我会沉迷于使用性高潮来缓解焦虑，但我的上瘾也助长了焦虑。
不切实际的期望
但是，直到2015年18月我才XNUMX岁与Joe *建立最后一次恋爱关系时，我才意识到它对我的影响。
The sex didn't live up to my unrealistic expectations – it was awkward, messy and boring.这种性爱没有达到我的不切实际的期望-尴尬，凌乱和无聊。 There was no passion, and if he wasn't going to provide the same satisfaction that porn did, why bother?没有激情，如果他不愿意提供和色情片一样的满足感，为什么还要麻烦呢？
五个月后，我终止了恋爱关系，并解释说我需要时间为自己做事，但由于不想伤害他，我没有对我们的性生活发表评论。
Because of this, and the fact that I needed to carry out my porn routine three times a week, I realised I had an addiction.因此，我需要每周进行三遍色情活动，我意识到自己上瘾了。 When I was stressed and anxious, I couldn't think of anything else but those 20 minutes alone.当我感到压力和焦虑时，除了那XNUMX分钟之外，我什么都没有想到。
Even when I didn't feel sexually aroused, I knew it was the only way to make myself feel better.即使我没有被性唤起，我也知道这是让自己感觉更好的唯一方法。 There were other warning signs too, such as how negative my relationship with my body had become.还有其他警告信号，例如我与身体的关系变得多么消极。
I couldn't help but compare myself to the girls on the screen.我忍不住将自己与屏幕上的女孩进行比较。 I started to hate my body when I noticed I had more lumps and bumps than they did and that my boobs weren't as perky as theirs.当我发现自己的肿块和颠簸比他们多，并且我的胸部不如它们的敏捷时，我开始讨厌自己的身体。
2016年XNUMX月，我尝试了八年来第一次去火鸡-没有色情，没有手淫，没有性生活。 The latter wasn't hard considering I was still single, but I struggled without the others.考虑到我还单身，后者并不难，但我在没有其他人的情况下仍在挣扎。
These had been my go-to any time I felt anxiety bubbling inside me.每当我感到焦虑不安时，这些都是我的首选。 So I turned to yoga and exercise, journalling and friends, as well as going to church.所以我转向瑜伽和运动，日记和朋友，以及去教堂。
我也接受了这将花费一些时间，而且我不会突然感觉好些。
I still couldn't be open with my family about it – they're from a different generation, and I knew it would be hard for them to understand.我仍然无法与家人保持联系-他们来自不同的世代，而且我知道他们很难理解。 I didn't admit that I had an addiction to anyone until I filmed a confessional-style YouTube video in April 2020.在我于XNUMX年XNUMX月拍摄一部自白式YouTube视频之前，我不承认自己对任何人都上瘾。
It was the first time I had been truly open about how much I had relied on porn to manage my anxiety.这是我第一次真正公开了解自己依靠色情来控制焦虑的程度。 More than 800,000 people watched me open up, and their responses were incredible.超过XNUMX万人看着我开放，他们的回应令人难以置信。 Countless shared their similar struggles.无数人分享了他们的类似斗争。
I felt like I'd started a support group – something I wished I'd had all those years ago.我觉得自己已经成立了一个支持小组，这是我希望那些年前能得到的东西。 And while I was scared of what my friends and family might think, they all commended my strength for confronting the issue.虽然我不怕我的朋友和家人会怎么想，但他们都称赞我面对这个问题的能力。
我专心于了解色情行业中的问题，因为了解这些问题可能会限制我对它的吸引力。
Hearing about the exploitation of women working in porn shocked me – by clicking on those links, I was supporting sex trafficking, under-age work and even violence.听到剥削从事色情工作的妇女的消息震惊了我-通过单击这些链接，我支持性交易，未成年工作甚至暴力。 I didn't want to participate in that.我不想参加。
Now, I no longer watch porn and I don't miss it.现在，我不再看色情片，而且我也不会错过。 I'm not dating anyone, just waiting for the right guy to show me what a healthy relationship is.我不是在和任何人约会，只是在等待合适的人向我展示什么是健康的关系。 I'm also throwing myself into my career as a beauty entrepreneur for CDB London Hair, and enjoying time with family.我还致力于成为CDB London Hair的美容企业家，并享受与家人共处的时光。
我不为自己的旅程感到羞耻，因为它帮助我了解了很多自己的知识-克服上瘾的色情节目向我展示了我比以往任何时候都更有韧性。”
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