60+ days, a retrospect…

A few months ago, I truly believed that this wouldn’t be possible. I had basically given up hope that I would ever make it past 30 days give or take. However, now that I have made these significant changes, the real challenge is maintaining what I have and not slipping into old habits. I recently got rid of my website blocker, because I realized that accessibility wasn’t the real problem as some might believe. I think the real issue that was causing my relapses in the past was my own lack of confidence in myself; not just in terms of quitting, but my overall sense of self. Porn was a way of coping with the very negative feelings I felt towards myself (feeling ugly, untalented, useless, a life failure, etc.). Having a mentality like this makes giving up bad habits (especially habits that numb such feelings) very difficult. While those feelings are still lingering, I at least have proof over the past two months that those feelings are false. Some of these views are the result of traumatic experiences from childhood that get internalized, so that’s going to be my next hurdle for what I hope to be the third month.

I know the feeling all too well. While I never invite people to my place, I was afraid of putting myself out there for fear of being ridiculed or making a mistake that would lead to the former. I was extremely self-conscious and self-loathing, which reflected in my lifestyle habits. For instance, I would neglect my appearance, my wardrobe and even act in a way that alienated people (I used to blurt out that I was ugly at work, which surprised my colleagues and made them ‘concerned’, which led to gossip and HR reports). That was years ago, but it goes to show how much of an impact this self-loathing had, especially when exacerbated by the black pill community, which I now vehemently despise.

You know, it’s funny that you mention this. It’s not really relevant to NoFap per se, but a strange thing has been happening since my photography started getting off the ground. So far, at least two female acquaintances have asked for my number after I tell them that I photograph sporting events and concerts. It took me completely off guard both times, so now I avoid telling people too much about my off-campus activities. Of course women these days are very ambiguous when it comes to their intentions; once upon a time, asking the opposite sex for their number was akin to asking them on a date, but many women ironically get annoyed when men assume that this is the case nowadays. For me, I don’t have time for these guessing games or misunderstandings; either way, I could do without the unwanted attention. I’m all for being confident, but not for those reasons, though I suppose it’s just a natural side effect that comes with the territory.

I appreciate this very much! I’m going to a sporting event to photograph on Saturday, and there’s a boxing gym that I’m waiting on confirmation from, and the month of June is going to be packed with events all over the city! I’m going to have a very busy summer this year.

By: LongSault

Source: 60+ days, a retrospect…