In October this year, pornhub.com received 4.04 billion visits, placing the adult content site in the top 10 most visited websites globally – just below Wikipedia and Instagram, but comfortably above amazon.com, Whatsapp and X.
Here in the UK, 82% of men watch porn regularly, while a third of British males say they first watched it before the age of 15 – some as young as six.
At first glance these figures are startling. On a deeper level, they point to what researchers call an ‘intimacy recession’: a widening gap between our biological need for connection and the digital habits that replace it. Porn sits at the centre of this shift: widely used, rarely discussed, and for some men, quietly shaping how they relate to others.
So why is it that, as a society, we’ve become more comfortable talking openly about mental health and other sensitive behaviours, yet our relationship with pornography remains taboo?
Having recently shared his own 30-year struggle with porn addiction, television presenter and actor Ore Oduba spoke to me about the dangers of staying silent – both for adults and the younger generations we have a duty to protect.
Early Exposure
Oduba was first introduced to porn at nine years old by a friend’s older brother. A not too dissimilar route for many of us, but as Oduba explains, his initial intrigue quickly developed into something more harmful.
‘With any addiction, there’s a deficiency,’ he says. ‘You’re searching for connection, and the dopamine hit gives you a shortcut. Porn became my first true relationship in that sense, but a highly dangerous one because I always got what I wanted and was never rejected.’
Like many boys first exposed to adult content, Oduba didn’t understand the chemical fix he was experiencing – only that it had to remain hidden.
‘For 30 years I carried this alone. The shame was suffocating and once you’re in it, it’s like a deep, dark pit lined with grease. It’s so hard to climb out.’
After decades of struggling silently, Oduba spent the first year of his recovery quietly celebrating his newfound sobriety. So what made him want to finally disclose his truth?
‘I think we’re on the cusp of an existential public health crisis. If by opening up I can help one teenager or adult step forward for help, then it’s worth it.’
The Psychology of Male Porn Use
Of course, not all early exposure leads to addiction. For many boys and men, porn remains an occasional curiosity rather than a source of distress; the distinction often lies in the emotional purpose it begins to serve. At the same time, Oduba’s fears highlight a wider reality – pornography is now easier to access than ever before.
Yet the prevalence of porn use isn’t just about availability. The rapid digitalisation of our lives has created a loneliness epidemic most of us simply aren’t wired to contend with. Porn, typically consumed alone, can therefore become a convenient way to soothe uncomfortable feelings rather than confront them.
Kathleen Saxton, psychotherapist and CEO of Psyched Ventures, is clear the issue with porn consumption isn’t frequency alone. ‘Everyone’s level is different. Someone might watch porn six hours a day – clearly an addiction. Someone else might watch once a week but feel it’s compulsive. Only you know if you’re not in control.’
What matters, as Saxton says, is the underlying driver. ‘Porn is usually medicating a wound of some kind. There’s almost always a trigger behaviour such as loneliness, anxiety or depression that leads someone into it. The same is true of attachment avoidance – where true intimacy feels frightening or too vulnerable, so a pornography relationship feels much safer.’
How Porn Rewires the Brain
Fear or lack of intimacy is especially common in men with porn addiction, including for many already in relationships – with 55% hiding porn use from their partners.
More significantly, from setting unrealistic expectations in the bedroom to increased insecurities about their body and performance, nearly 60% of men feel watching porn has negatively impacted their relationship and sex life. An even higher number believe porn has caused them issues with erectile dysfunction.
Still, for many men porn feels like a safer bet than risking real intimacy. Paul Brunson, relationship counsellor and host of the We Need to Talk podcast where Oduba first shared his story, explains why both single men and those in relationships can be so affected.
‘Heavy porn use can dull the brain’s arousal response, leaving men feeling less present during sex as their mind searches for the fast reward a screen provides. In relationships, secrecy creates strain and hiding leads to disconnection. Porn often becomes a substitute for facing harder emotions like fear of rejection or not being enough.’
Secrecy, Shame and Silence
There is undeniably more shame attached to discussing porn use than almost any other compulsive behaviour.
I can attest to this myself. I’ve never had an issue with porn addiction, but nonetheless feel far more uncomfortable sharing publicly that I’ve watched it, than when writing about my previous drug use. This in itself tells us something about why those genuinely struggling find it so hard to seek help, especially when watching porn as an adult is legal – whereas taking cocaine most certainly isn’t.
Paul Brunson explains further why men can find it hard to open up. ‘Even with how available porn is today, most men still silence themselves around it. Porn exposes something men are not taught to handle well at all – emotional vulnerability.’
So while we’re getting better at it, talking openly about our mental health still doesn’t come easy. When it comes to porn addiction it’s even more problematic. The tragic irony of this is the level of support Oduba has experienced since sharing his own struggles.
‘The acceptance I’ve received has been beyond anything I prayed for. What’s shocked me most was when I started speaking, men everywhere – teachers, parents, friends, even strangers – immediately said, “I think I’m struggling too.”’