[On the recovery path for 4 months. Porn addiction was about a 5-6 on a scale of 1-10.]
It’s a weird duality…being somewhat vulnerable to fall ANY given day (even later today),
but at the same time feeling strong and solid and like a changed man.
I definitely feel like I am healing, and not the same but with more days.
In fact, mentally, I don’t think of it as a streak or important to count each day after 90.
Instead, my mindset is that I am breaking free of this very bad habit…I decided that I don’t act out anymore.
And I’ve taken A LOT of steps (actions) which help me keep and honor this decision…
so that I don’t fall back into the bad habits of the past.
Positives:
I don’t feel like a slave to my desires. I deepened my personal relationship with G-d,
I am letting go where I don’t have control (almost everything that happens around me),
and taking control where I DO have control…my decisions and reactions to the situations G-d puts me in.
I can succeed and act good today. And if I put together 180 todays, that will be about 1/2 year clean.
And if I put together 360 todays, that will be about a full year clean.
If I stay focused on doing the right thing today, I can succeed.
I can break free, and along the way become a different better person.
—
In the past, for MANY years, I would go about 2 weeks, and then something would frustrate me,
and I would look to PMO to soothe me and “fix it”…only it didn’t fix anything! Just very temporary, fleeting pleasure.
I wanted to stop, but the bad habit had become so ingrained in me…so reinforced over so many experiences
of pain and frustration…for so many years…probably hundreds of times…
that I became a kind of slave to my desires. I felt that I HAD to act out.
I didn’t feel like I had a choice.
Stimulus…response.
But that’s NOT true. We don’t have to be slaves.
I could turn the whole thing around and really change for the better.
Definitely not easy. But definitely doable. And people are doing it. So, why not me?!
I took action. Lots of actions that made succeeding more likely on any given day.
I was tested multiple times…and I succeeded. We CAN pass the tests we are sent.
We don’t HAVE to fail.
I started to get hopeful. And the days started adding up.
I connected to other people…here and on WhatsApp.
I’m a work in progress. But I’m moving forward.
And I’m definitely not the same enslaved guy I was just 4 months ago.
I’m moving forward 100%.
I just probably won’t keep writing in this journal.
And as mentioned, I think I will only keep track of a couple more milestones coming up: 180 and 360.
My point that I want to express to anyone reading this now or in the future,
is that it CAN be done. I had tried & failed MANY, MANY times on my own…in the past.
Reaching out AND connecting to other people going through a similar struggle, helped me.
This can be found online at spaa zoom meetings and by finding individuals there who agreed to
share their WhatsApp number…for continual mutual support and encouragement
through voice notes, messages, and even sometimes calls.
I think connecting to other people is an essential ingredient that helped me be successful.
We don’t have to be alone in this struggle.