FIRST POST – As you can see by my flair, I’m only on my second day. After emailing with my mom earlier today, she said that she found of box of my old stuff and said: “I am going to bring you the file as well because, my son, you were quite the stud in your young life. So very many accolades. Somewhere along the way, you seemed to quit believing in yourself. I think it would be good for you to go through this file and see what you were and still are capable of.”I replied that I already knew I was a failure, and then got into a bit of a pity party, telling her that I wished I could tell her the truth, but I just couldn’t, and it would break her heart. Of course, she’s a mom, so she said I could tell her anything.
I decided to honey badger this shit and just lay it on her. So I wrote a long email, and then texted her to get Dad and go read it in their bedroom (relatives live with them, don’t want them involved).In the hope that I can inspire other fapstronauts to get over their fear of involving loved ones in this transformation, I’m pasting the letter below (with redactions/changes for privacy)(also, my family isn’t shy with the cussing, as you will see):
What changed? It wasn’t really “an event”, but a series of things. You want to know, so I’ll tell you, but I’d recommend that you are sitting down when you read this, because it’s gonna hurt.
So I was much like most teenagers. When it came to sex though, I was very naive and unprepared. But since I was smart and good with computers, I found out a lot about sex from the internet. I know you know that with how many times you caught me with porn. Now, without grossing my out too much, I’m sure you’ve seen porn before. Porn is not sex. But it is a sex substitute. I was quickly able to get a hold of a lot of porn. Teenagers are horny, they masturbate a lot, and in these days, they watch porn. So what?
Well, I lost my virginity at 16. It was less exciting than I wanted it to be. It felt good and all, but it wasn’t porn. It was quick, awkward, and then felt extremely weird afterward. I’m sure you’re familiar with the limited talks I had with you guys about sex – “Wear a rubber” was about the only advice Dad had for me. Thankfully, I did follow that.
So I had sex a couple times, and then not for awhile. In between, I watched plenty of porn.
The next time I tried to have sex (at 17 years old), I couldn’t keep an erection. Yes, “this happens to all guys”, but holy shit was that a confidence killer. The girl was really hot, I really liked her, there was no reason for things not to work. But I wasn’t really turned on. It was sort of meh. So that sucked, but I didn’t give up. I tried again – fail. I tried again – fail. I never tried again until college, because I thought college would solve my problems. It didn’t.
I met some girls at college. Went on some dates. Tried sex a couple of times – it didn’t work. So I retreated. You know when I could keep an erection? Watching porn. So I went deep down the rabbit hole, and developed the horrible habits that I’m still trying to kick to this day. Everyone masturbates from time to time, but I started masturbating 2, 3, 4 times/day. Why do you think I dropped out of college? You didn’t honestly think it was just drugs and alcohol, did you? I could skate through classes like it was nobodies business. But I started staying home from class because my roommate was gone then, so I could watch porn. It became what I did to pass time, when I was nervous, when I was tired, when I was anxious, when I was excited, when I had something to do, when I had nothing to do…
Remember that girl **** that I dated? Why do you think we broke up? Ugh, this is so awkward to be writing to my mom, but let me tell you something: there is no worse feeling than not being able to get an erection with a girl you are into. She couldn’t understand that it wasn’t her. And girls want to have sex – she was a cute girl, and wasn’t going to wait around for a guy that couldn’t get his dick to work properly. That was pretty much the final shot for me. I gave up.
Do you have any idea what life is like if you know (I know that’s wrong, but its how I felt at the time) that you’ll never pleasure a partner? I wanted to get married and have kids, build a family, travel the world, have fun, and share it with a significan other. Well, all of that was out the window. I had no prospects for my future. I tried to fill the void – I thought I could work myself through it, that didn’t help. I thought I could drug myself through it, that didn’t help. I thought setting big external goals like going to law school would help, it didn’t. By the time I graduated college, I was miserable. I was working a shit job only because my mom had got it for me, I had a shit degree from a shit college that I wasn’t going to do shit with. None of my strategies had helped. I couldn’t care about a life where I wasn’t ever going to be able to pleasure a woman. I kept working at the law firm because fuck it, who cares?
At this point, I was still masturbating 2-6 times/day (I’m so sorry to gross you out). Why did I quit the law firm? Another strategy to try to get rid of this! I thought that once I was in control of my life, I could kick the habit. As I’m sure you can guess, that didn’t happen. Working from home only made it easier. And with all the self doubt I had from this shit, I just kept feeding it. Even when I was completely in control of my own life, I’d just waste the entire day in bed, hating myself, hating my life, hating what I had come to. I made enough money to get by, but just barely.
Now, I’m at damn near rock bottom. I have tens of thousands of dollars of credit card debt and nothing to show for it. I haven’t paid my student loans in a year – they are going to collections. I own nothing, I have no plans for the future. What’s the point? I can’t ever have what I want. I don’t think you can possibly understand how bleak life is when you know you can never have what you want.
Somehow though, I haven’t given up yet. My back is against the wall. I’m going to miss my credit card payments in a week, and then I really don’t know what I’m going to do. And it’s not because I can’t make money – I have people begging me to do work for them. But whats the point of getting out of bed if you know that your whole day is just going to be spent hating yourself? Some days I just wouldn’t get out of bed at all, literally. I’d cycle through porn and masturbation, smoking weed and browsing the internet, and crying myself back to sleep. EVERYTHING in my life is because of this.
It’s why I don’t do anything with my life. It’s why I don’t do stand up comedy, even though I’d be amazing at it. It’s why I never owned my own restaurant, even though it was a dream of mine and I’d kill it. It’s why I didn’t go to law school. WHAT IS THE POINT OF ANY OF THAT IF YOU WILL NEVER HAVE WHAT YOU WANT IN LIFE? Why should I get up on stage and make girls laugh if I can’t take any of them home with me? Or worse – take them home and ruin the night because I can’t get it up. There are only so many times that a guy can see the “What do you mean you can’t get it up?” face. And unfortunately, I’m just not evil enough to only want money in life. What’s the point of having money if you can’t spend it on taking a beautiful girl out to dinner because you know you can’t take her home later? You know why I quit playing soccer? That abdominal pain I have? Its from ruining my pelvic muscles with constant masturbation. I’m ruining myself, body and mind.
But, like I said, I haven’t given up. In fact, in the last year, I’ve discovered that I’m not alone, not at all – thousands of young men from all walks of life are currently in the same prison. I really didn’t think anyone else could possibly live this life and not kill themselves. It’s so horrible. It’s not a regular addiction like cigarettes or booze or drugs. It’s not something I can announce on facebook: “Two days without porn everyone! Yay me!” It’s a prison that no one can see. And, worst of all, it is completely free. I don’t have to rob or steal to get my fix, I just have to keep paying my comcast bill. Speaking of that, some of my money problems do stem from porn – I was sued for illegally downloading movies. I went to a lawyer, and he recommended that I just settle, even though I could probably beat it, but it would be long and public. So I settled for $3500 that I didn’t have. Ugh.
But like I said, I haven’t given up. I’m trying to kick this horrible situation. I don’t know right now if you understand how grave this situation is for me, or if you think it’s all a joke. So here are a couple of links that might help:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU – The Great Porn Experiment – a TED talk by the leading researcher on this stuff.
www.yourbrainonporn.com – Information, resources, and support for people in my situation.
www.reddit.com/r/nofap – Where I’m going for support to try to get out of this. It’s semi-anonymous which helps me be open.
Most people that have successfully beat this problem go through the following phases: The tough initial stage (1-7 days), a clarity phase (8-30 days, give or take), a flat-line where you have 0 libido (at any time, usually only lasts a couple of weeks), and then it gets better, the libido comes charging back, the ED is gone, and sex is pleasurable again. They advocate a no-PMO lifestyle (no Porn, Masturbation, or Orgasm). This is only until you have rewired your brain to enjoy natural sex and respond to it appropriately. Masturbation is not the demon, its the way we masturbate to modern pornography that makes the difference (pay attention to the part of the youtube clip where he shows that older people recover faster than younger people, because their problems didn’t develop UNTIL they got high speed internet whereas the younger generation has always had it).
I’ve tried to quit this horrible, degrading, demotivating lifestyle multiple times. I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed, but whenever we go on family vacation, I’m usually pretty miserable on days 2-4. Those are the days that I’m adjusting to not getting my fix. I usually want to kill somebody when I wake up, but as the day goes along, and if we stay busy enough, I get through it. But as soon as I get back home, it’s right back to where I left off.
I’ve thought about asking my brothers for help, but I don’t think they would understand. I’ve sort of told ****** about some of it (gee – why do you think ****** and I have never got together?). Hell, there was a point when I thought maybe I was just gay and I wasn’t getting it, as I know others have speculated. Well, I tried it out once, it didn’t do it for me. I told dad once that I was having erection problems, and he told me to go to the doctor. I did, and he told me its nothing physical (I knew that, because I could easily get an erection with porn). I even went to a psychologist for a bit, but that shit is mega expensive, and it seemed like I knew as much as he did (why do you think I took psychology classes in college?).
So there it is Ma. That is what happened to me. I don’t think you can possibly comprehend the look on a girls face when she’s begging you to fuck her and all you can say is “I can’t right now.” I don’t think you have any idea what it feels like to expect your life to be unfulfilling forever. It’s extremely hard to pursue your goals if you know you’ll never be able to share them with anybody. And please don’t tell me that if I found the right girl, it wouldn’t matter. It DOES matter. It’s huge. Women deserve a man that can love them, and they know that. I wouldn’t want any woman to be in a relationship with a guy that couldn’t please her. I’ve tried all sorts of relationships – with good girls, with bad girls, with girls I love, with girls I don’t care about, even some morally unpopular choices – I was doing anything I could try to get a response. But none of it mattered, and I’d just come home to watch more porn.
I know I’ve been a disappointment. I don’t want to be. I want to change. I’m trying, very hard. And well, now that you know what the fuck my problem has been, now I’m asking for help. Nothing specific, I don’t even know how you possibly could help, but there will likely be a time in the next couple of months (if I stick with it), where I’m going to need help.
I can’t wait to get past this. I know I’m more than the person I have become. I’m sooooo much more. But I can’t be that while I’m trapped in this self-imposed prison. You’re right – I want to fly. But I’m a bird in a cage. I’m trying to pry the fucking door open with one hand, while my other hand holds it closed. If I can ever get out of here, watch out world.
You don’t need to write back. We can talk about this when we have lunch. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to look you in the eye at dinner Friday night. But you wanted to know, and I know I need to tell you, so there it is. I want to assure you that drugs and alcohol haven’t ever been my problem. Sure, like to drink and smoke pot, but so does everyone. I don’t even do either of those very much anymore. My problem has always been the PMO addiction cycle. Please watch the video so you can understand how hard this cycle is to break.
Yesterday, I committed myself to trying again. I have to keep trying. I’m the only person that put myself in this situation, so I’m the person that is going to get me out of it. I can, and I will, I just have to stick with it.
Love you.
SECOND POST WITH PARENT’S RESPONSE
Their response:
Thank you hereigoagain1. At least now dad and I know what we/you are dealing with. We have looked at everything and will look at again tomorrow once we get through the initial digestion. Do not be embarrassed or afraid to be with us and talk to us. Our love is unconditional. We will help in anyway we can. We believe you have taken an important step by finally allowing us a view into your pain. Please continue to build on that step. Know that we are always here and we will support you 100%. You are a cherished son.
Then, from dad:
Thanks for letting us in on this. Obviously, I don’t know what to do but you know I want to help. I actually read an article about this sometime in the last year or so.
Please keep us informed and involved. Things will get better. You made the most difficult first step.
I love you and want you to be and feel better.
And another from mom:
I really wasn’t shocked; just relieved to finally have some answers. I think your plans going forward are good (I told them I am going to tell my brother and install a filter for my internet and give him the password). Don’t be embarrassed. Instead be proud of how strong you are being in facing this head on. It will be tough, but you will have that life you’ve always wanted. Just face this demon down and kick its ass! It has taken enough years from you. Time to take your life back.
As always, hereigoagain1, no one loves you like I do!
And lastly:
You’re a really special person, hereigoagain1. I’m so proud of you right now. It took real guts to open up tonight. You have found your strength; keep hanging on to that. And your sense of humor as well. We have to be able to laugh at ourselves.
Right now, you are the strongest person I know.
It was scary, embarrassing, and hard as shit to send that email. But I knew immediately that it was the right decision. Tomorrow: telling my brother. Wish me luck.
Didn’t think it would happen this early, but tonight, I told my parents
by hereigoagain13 days
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