Can You Trust Your Johnson? (2011)

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NOTE: This page contains multiple self-reports by people (some of whom are more politically correct than others), who concluded that their porn tastes influenced their sexual tastes after they quit porn and noticed their tastes reverting. These self-reports are taken from porn recovery forums. YBOP excerpts them pretty much as they are, and their authors' views/languaging do not necessarily reflect those of this website. If you feel your sexual and romantic interest in transgender people is healthy, that you are content with your sexual tastes, or that your sexual tastes are set, read no farther. This page is for people who believe their porn-driven escalation to novel genres may be obscuring their earlier or innate sexual tastes.

View comments section below for posts by porn users describing escalation to genres that did not match original tastes or orientation. Also see:

ARTICLE: Is Internet Porn Making Male Sexuality More Plastic?

guys watching porn

Once upon a time, men could trust their penises to tell them everything they needed to know about their sexual tastes or orientation. Even recently, behavioral neuroscientist Paul Vasey confidently opined that,

"Sexual orientation is what you think about when you're masturbating."

Really? What if the porn to which you once happily fapped no longer does the job? Could this be why viewers who would never harm others are viewing violent porn? Why gay porn viewers are feeling baffled by their tastes for straight rape porn or lesbian porn? Why straight men are bewildered by their tastes for transsexual or gay porn?

Psychiatrist Norman Doidge explained in The Brain That Changes Itself:

The content of what [patients] found exciting changed as the Web sites introduced themes and scripts that altered their brains without their awareness. Because plasticity is competitive, the brain maps for new, exciting images increased at the expense of what had previously attracted them. (p.109)

Do a viewer's most recent porn tastes reveal his "deepest urges and most uninhibited thoughts," as Ogas and Gaddam claim?  Does his sexual orientation change along with what he views? Or does cyberporn manufacture superficial tastes, sometimes unrelated to sexual orientation? Most likely, the latter.

Porn has changed...a lot

Words, pictures, audio and video are nothing new. Why then are people complaining about being "addicted" to the Internet, email, Facebook, video-gaming, i-Phones, or Internet porn? Because today's superstimulating versions of these activities are, in fact, potentially addictive. Surfing the net, especially for porn, incorporates all the activities that spike dopamine and keep the reward circuit buzzing: seeking and searching, sexy material, anticipation as each page loads, novelty on demand, and surprising and shocking visuals.

Obviously, a once-a-month Playboy, or an 80"s VHS tape cannot compare to using two high-definition screens, with 6 windows open, to search until you find just the right shot to take you home. After a bit of a breather you can search via Google for something you've never seen, so you can whack away once more. Unlike static porn of the past, today's Internet porn is so stimulating that, in some brains, it can gradually produce addiction-related changes.

No wonder a guy's brain can grow numb and stop responding to conventional sexual cues. Once vanilla porn is no longer doing it for him, his sexual tastes may prove surprisingly fluid. When his current cyberporn genre doesn't arouse him, does he think, "Oh, that's a sign that my brain needs a time-out to return to normal sensitivity, so why don't I lay off the porn?"

No. He unthinkingly does something that none of his ancestors had the option of doing (but would have done too). Out with the old and in with the new—because novelty triggers the surge of dopamine he needs to become aroused. He clicks around the Web until he hits something that engorges his penis. A novel pornstar may be sufficient, but perhaps after his fourth session of the day, he needs an added jolt of shock or anxiety to goose his dopamine and light a fire under his brain's sluggish reward circuitry.

I've gone back to lesbian porn now, I found [transgender] porn really really arousing at first, but not really my cup of tea anymore. Once I stopped being afraid of what people would think, it lost that rush it gave me and became boring.

When I first found [transgender] porn it was new and exciting, but now I'd rather a woman. Fear is what drove my attraction to [transgender performers], but once the fear was gone the attraction was gone. It don't look right seeing a woman with a dick anymore. It's not disgusting but just not right.

Half of today's porn users report escalating to material that was once uninteresting. In some porn users, this innocent reflex can have one or both of the following undesired effects:

1.     Rewiring: The user inadvertently carves new arousal pathways into his limbic system. As researcher Jim Pfaus points out, "the mating brain is opportunistic." It's not strictly bound by intrinsic wiring, but rather it adapts to promising sexual cues. This is especially true during adolescence, when the brain is primed for wiring up sexual cues.

Thanks to evolution, fertilization is the brain's top priority, so—even if a porn user would prefer to forget what he just saw—his brain carefully wires up all associations that led to his orgasm. It wants him to be able to "fertilize" this target again in the future. With enthusiastic use, a new brain pathway can become a 'pathway of choice,' irrespective of fundamental inclinations. In short, nerve cells that fire together wire together—especially if they produce a 'bigger 'n' better' orgasm.

2.     Desensitization: "Two hours edging to porn? That's what Google is for." "Two ejaculations since dinner? Let me fire up my old laptop so I can watch more windows on an additional screen." Unlike other mammals, a guy can override his natural limits using ever-novel porn

Over time, a user's brain can physically change. Signs of fundamental brain alterations (as contrasted with short-term habituation) may include: chronic weakened impulse control, craving spikes in response to cues he associates with porn use, and decreased sexual responsiveness. He's no longer registering pleasure normally; his desensitized brain is desperate for the dopamine hits from stimulation. To climax, he needs to watch for longer or move to new genres of porn.

This is not purely theoretical. Recent animal research reveals that high levels of dopamine (introduced via a dopamine D2 agonist drug) can alter sexual preferences in males. Desensitized porn users search for whatever will jack up their lagging dopamine. Once they find it, dopamine soars, and the process of re-conditioning their sexual response has begun. If they keep masturbating to the new genre, dopamine rewires their sexual circuits, leading to an inadvertent, and often alarming, change in porn tastes that make it difficult, or even impossible, to climax to earlier tastes. Small wonder that, as users slide along the porn spectrum in search of the next big "O," they can end up climaxing to visuals that are unnerving—or even illegal.

Anthony: I started looking at porn, on a regular basis, about five years ago. First there were the beautiful women, then the hardcore porn, then the weird insertions, then the [transgender performers], then critters, then the hermaphrodites, then the teen porn, then the younger models and now prison (soon to go). As the years passed I became less and less interested in masturbating and more and more interested in "novelty" searching. Looking back, I just don't see how I failed to recognize that I had a problem.

Another man on a porn-recovery forum:

I don't know if you check on a regular basis reddit, 'empty closet' etc... websites about the porn confusion/orientation, but there are just thousands of threads with people freaking out  about why they want to suck cocks or watched weird stuff after use of porn.

Even the' empty closet' forum is full of people, gay/bi/straight that are completely lost and confused about their orientation, and they ALL mentioned their porn use.

It looks like the high speed generation of porn users is now going online and asking for answers. On French forums, it's the same. So many don't know why they developed penis fetish or  femdom addiction...there are literally thousands of people reading the posts and the common factor of all those people is internet use (porn, chat, dating site).

Sexual orientation versus synthetic sexual tastes

Obviously, a user who climbs aboard the Internet porn train can end up getting off at stops that were once inconceivable. Perhaps the most bewildering is, "Help! My penis is only responding to erotica I associate with someone else's sexual orientation." 

Ryan: I seriously thought I was turning gay. My obsessive thoughts about this issue were so strong that I was contemplating taking a dive off the nearest high-rise. I felt so depressed. I knew I loved girls and I couldn't love another dude, but why did I have ED? Why did I now need transgenderl/gay stuff to get off? It's like I made a mistake that I cannot correct anymore. I want to go back to my old days when I was only turned on by the female body.

Transsexual model KarisAnother guy who describes himself as bi:

As a teenager I very rarely consumed gay porn or porn where a man was the focus because I was afraid I would be outed by my internet history and then disowned by family. I'm still not used to expressing that part of my sexuality. I couldn't orgasm the first time I had sex (which was with a guy). Even my sexual attraction to men is based how feminine they present themselves because I've been taught that feminine equals sexual. My head is so messed. This is all messed.

Gay guy: (Gay) Quitting porn has sorted out my sexual tastes

Another gay guy:

New guy here, 26 from the UK and recently realised I'm suffering with porn induced ED after a good year or two struggling to keep it up with partners.

I've also found my porn tastes differing from my sexual identity - I'm a gay guy and romantically attracted to males however I can't seem to stop watching cuckold porn and getting extremely turned on by the whole thing to the point where it's the only kind of porn I can watch. I have no intention of fucking a woman, seeing a woman naked or even getting close to a pussy in real life but I can't help but be more drawn in by this type of porn.

I think porn seriously has messed me up, I can jack off maybe 5 times a day with porn and I can get a full erection with viagra but yet I am completely unable to get hard and stay hard for a real life sexual partner.

I hope there's light at the end of the tunnel but this will be day 1 for me. It would be great to hear from people who are having a similar experience to me at the moment to the extent where porn hasn't just ruined my ability to perform but also altered my mind in terms of the stuff I've ended up watching! I genuinely did think I may be going crazy watching porn that wasn't matching any of my desires. Porn Induced ED and change in sexual desires

Brains desperate for sensation can find anxiety-producing material particularly arousing. Such emotions release extra dopamine (and norepinephrine) in the brain. In essence, they are a response to risk-taking.

Some of today's cyberporn users develop obsessive-compulsive patterns around shocking porn. For example, a user may keep testing to see if a particular porn genre is arousing—because he happens to find that prospect horrifying (and exciting). Then he masturbates to relieve the anxiety produced. He is like a person who can't stop checking to see if the stove is turned off. Interestingly, addiction and OCD produce similar anomalies in the brain's reward circuitry. Satisfaction becomes more elusive, driving continued unwanted activity.

Said one 21-year old with a girlfriend, whose anxiety began three months earlier when he got an erection from watching a man's penis in a video:

Now, I constantly feel the need to keep checking by using porn to prove that I'm still straight. I use any available moment to PMO to women, sometimes even in the same room as my girlfriend as she sleeps! This behaviour really upsets me but I find I can't help it. It offers comfort for about 10 minutes before the doubt kicks in again.

Porn makers know how compelling this orientation-anxiety can be, and consider transgender porn a "straight porn specialty." When interviewed, the operator of several transgender porn sites said, "My main audience, and the audience for most [transgender] porn, are straight dudes. That's how it's always been. I will say that all of the visitors to transsexual sites are straight." (emphasis added)

"Who am I?"

If a gay viewer starts climaxing to straight porn, or vice versa, is he discovering his "true sexual orientation?" Probably not. But brains are plastic and, users can inadvertently wire new stimuli to their erections, just as Pavlov's dogs learned to salivate to the bell. In both situations, dopamine activation (anticipation) prompts autonomic effects downstream. The brain's primitive reward circuitry isn't aware that the bell isn't food, or that "new" porn isn't "my" porn. Its axiom is simply, "Dopamine good."

Fortunately Ryan can, with patience and self-discipline, once again unwire his unwanted associations. (More in a moment.) Meanwhile, he may need to beware of well meaning folks who try to tell him his changing tastes reveal buried clues about his true sexual orientation. Maybe they do; maybe they are as devoid of significance as the improbable cartoons he viewed as a child. Said one 22-year old:

During middle school and high school I watched porn for hours. After high school I dated a girl I really liked, but I didn't feel as much arousal around her as I felt when watching porn. In college I got confused about my sexuality because I wasn't feeling as much sexual attraction as other people. I was also turned on by gay porn and thought maybe I had latent homosexuality. My senior year I went to sexuality counseling and a coming-out support group for a quarter. Neither brought me closer to understanding sexual orientation or attraction. Yes, I got turned on by some gay porn, but I didn't feel attraction to, or fantasize about, guys. The gay guys that I met seemed much more certain of their orientation. After a while I wasn't sure I belonged there. I've started feeling more sexual attraction around women now that I've cut down on porn and masturbation.

Or consider Ryan again. When he began using porn, all he thought about was girls. He watched lesbian porn because he didn't want to watch men having sex. Only after years of continuous porn escalation did he began to doubt his orientation. Recovering porn users on our forum often report developing, and discarding, multiple "tastes" as their addictions worsen. It's evident that these mutually exclusive, transient tastes cannot all reflect buried sexual-orientation clues—if indeed any of them do.

For example, how could a taste for "transgender porn" reflect a sexual orientation? Attraction to transgender lovers would be an evolutionary deadend, so evolution could not select for it. Might this evolutionary impossibility be appealing as a cornucopia of compelling sexual cues (breasts, erect penis, arousing acts), lit with extra dopamine for the viewer who finds it exotic or anxiety-producing?

A radical change in porn tastes is likely to be little more than a sign of progressive brain desensitization. In other words, Ryan can't be sure of much until he stops climaxing to the unwanted stimuli and returns his brain to normal sensitivity. This can take months.

Sexual tastes can be conditioned

A raging Internet porn addiction appears to operate independently of sexual orientation. However, the myth that "my sexual orientation is determined by what I masturbate to" is so powerful that many of today's porn users do not realize that their random tastes are a function of overstimulation leading to tolerance, and therefore reversible. Again, research is now beginning to confirm that today's porn users are escalating to material that was once of no interest.

Incidentally, scientists can condition a male rat to prefer a same-sex partner by jacking up his dopamine. And it doesn't take very long. Researchers injected a male rat with a dopamine agonist (a drug that mimics dopamine), and then placed him in a cage with another male. The two rats just hung out together for a day. (The dopamine agonist is out of the system in about one day.) Researchers repeated this 2 more times, 4 days apart.

A few days later, the reconditioned male was put to the test. With no dopamine agonist in his system, he was placed into a cage with his male buddy and sexually receptive female (remember the dopamine was out of his system). Guess which rat turned him on the most? He showed much more response to the male: more erections, more genital investigation, and even female-like solicitations — as opposed to normal male mounting behavior.

Lesson? High levels of dopamine can powerfully rewire the brain and alter sexual tastes. The researchers emphasized that the male rat wasn't gay, as he didn't try to mount the other rat. Yet he had definitely changed. Similarly, continued porn use can't change your sexual orientation, but it can change what type of porn excites you. Desensitized porn users (low D2 receptors) search for whatever will jack up their lagging dopamine.

Scientists are also learning that prediction of fundamental sexual orientation isn't as simple as they once assumed. As Sexual Fluidity author Lisa Diamond says, "Sexual arousal ... is only one element of sexual orientation and identity." A very telling comment by a TV producer under this review of the UK documentary Porn On The Brain:

Three years ago I was part of a team of TV researchers who looked into many of the issues surrounding internet porn for a program that never aired. The main producer felt the scientific evidence involved (which was supposed to be the back bone of the program) was not strong enough.

During the research I spoke with a number of people with porn related problems, literally read thousands of comments from men on anti-porn sites and spoke with neuroscientists. Much of the scientific research is still in its infancy but there is no doubt in my mind that prolonged viewing of porn can have a seriously negative effect on some adults and children.

The most concerning thing I came across was adult & teenage males who began watching standard porn (if there is such thing) regularly and over the course of several years started to move to more and more extreme imagery as they became desensitized to the standard porn and looked for the newest 'fix.'

People who on the surface seemed perfectly normal human beings were worried that they could only get an erection to porn, no longer felt the urge to form a proper relationship with a woman as porn had become a substitute, heterosexual men who had become so desensitised to heterosexual porn they found themselves viewing homosexual porn, men who were concerned about their feelings for children because the line between what they found pretty or cute and what they found sexy was beginning to blur.

99% of these people were adults and had had time to form a proper sexuality and relationships prior to their issues. This meant, that as one neuroscientist suggested, with the right help their brains could be returned to their previous sexual identity, even if the images they had viewed cannot be completely forgotten.

For a boy aged 10-14, with no previous sexual experience, there is no reset button. We could have future generations of young men who objectify women and have totally unrealistic ideas of sex and in some cases men who will have their brains re-wired by extreme imagery to the extent that they could be a risk to the women and children around them. We shouldn't put our heads in the sand and await for some true scientific evidence. We need to do something now.

Is this a better test (than erections) for sexual orientation?

So if 'visuals+erection' can mislead, how do you recognize your sexual orientation? Obviously, whatever you climaxed to when you first started masturbating is a useful clue (assuming earlier childhood events haven't distorted it.)

Returning to brain balance will tell you the most about your true orientation, but meanwhile, some guys find this a useful test of sexual attraction (or aversion): With whom do you want to do deep kissing?

Attraction and aversion are most powerfully displayed in the appeal of (or aversion to) engaging in intimate sexual activities that involve touch, body orifices, and body fluids such as saliva, vagina fluids or ejaculate. Men are generally much more "turned on" by the smells, orifices, and fluids of one sex than the other.

In fact, one expert we interviewed noted that men can have profound aversion to these characteristics of other gender—even to the point of nausea and vomiting (perhaps after the thrill of the "forbidden" or the effects of alcohol have passed). Said Ryan,

I ALWAYS do not want to kiss a guy. For some reason, a guy's saliva would seem so nasty, and a girl's is just so perfect. For me, the thought of a guy's saliva is...disgusting, almost seems germ-filled. A gal's saliva seems almost sweet to me.

Beware, however. If OCD has thoroughly hijacked your brain, it can find a way to turn any test into a new, equally meaningless, source of anxiety:

I keep on thinking about the kissing test, and I keep on thinking about it about it 24/7. Before, I was totally disgusted by the thought of kissing a man, but by wondering and asking myself over and over, gradually I was not disgusted or aroused. Now, I am actually aroused by thinking about kissing a man. I am not so aroused by gay sex anymore, because I really have blocked out it from my brain, but why is kissing a man arousing to me now? I don't want to do it in real life. Because in real life it wouldn't be arousing. In real life I just want to kiss girls, but when I think about it in my mind, it's arousing. Makes no sense. It's not like I am attracted. Sigh.

Unwiring plastic changes

As a porn user's addiction progresses, masturbation habits may tell him very little about his actual orientation. However, guys on our forum have discovered that if they (1) give their brains a rest from porn, porn fantasy (and ideally masturbation and orgasm), and (2) replace their former habits with socializing, exercise, meditation and other comforting activities, they can start to see changes in their sexual tastes surprisingly quickly. Here's Ryan's report after only a month:

I spent the last year of high school jacking off to Internet porn compulsively, and escalated to gay porn several months ago. I found it disturbing to watch; it fueled my OCD and subsequent depression.

Now I'm feeling almost like a new person. I've been through nearly 4 weeks of hell, and had to get my antidepressants adjusted. I've been biking daily and interacting with others at college. But I do not get aroused at gay porn anymore. It's like I have gotten rid of those circuits. The thought of lesbian porn is once again arousing. I am also slowly starting to get my libido back. It's not over yet, but I have conquered part of it.

Brain changesI have literally been on forums with thousands of pages of posts by people who were dealing with desensitization and escalation to weird stuff. I'm really unhappy when people tell others that what they masturbate to is "what they are." Maybe that was true 20-30 years ago, but it is not anymore.

Is his brain already unwiring or is its dopamine signaling improving (reversing desensitization), or both? It seems that as users resist climaxing to a particular type of porn, fantasizing about it, thinking about it and worrying about it, the related brain pathways physically weaken from disuse. As neuroscientists say, when nerve cells fire apart wires depart.

As the abandoned pathway stops producing a dopamine payoff, the brain—ever eager to go through the motions of reproduction—dusts off and fires up earlier brain circuits. Of course, if an addiction has progressed to the point where someone cannot climax without extreme porn, quitting will not be easy. He will need a lot of support. Severe withdrawal symptoms are common, but worth it for many users: 

Mike: Relapsed at day 23. Already I can see that if I do quit this addiction, I will be completely able to have healthy sex with women. Along with my binge came a silver lining: Those first few times masturbating were very exciting, and it was to very softcore porn. My sexual tastes had begun to normalize. Very reassuring. This vanilla stuff wouldn't even have been a blip on my radar four weeks ago, but now it drove me wild. Of course, as the binge continued I progressed onto more extreme material, again making all too clear how the addiction screws with my tastes. I had to escalate to more extreme material to get that same rush.

Shawn: It's hard to believe that a year ago, the main thing that got me off was [transgender] porn. Arousal for [cis] women has boosted to a level I'd forgotten during years of porn viewing. I'm now seeing just how sensitive I am without masturbation to porn. My erections are rock hard, and they feel great. I love that even the lightest touch from my girlfriend makes me respond like crazy!

We humans may want to be more farsighted and selective about the sexual cues to which we wire our orgasms. Apparently a primitive, subconscious, and very persuasive, part of our brains doesn't much care.


Subject: I can relate

This article describes exactly what I have experienced. Although it is the reverse for myself. I am a gay male, I believe I was born gay, my first fantasies were about men and men have always aroused me, whereas women have aroused me very little. There were occasional moments during puberty when I found women sexually arousing, but they were short lived and had no substance. Similar to how a strait man may get the odd erection in gym class, or have a gay dream or fantasy during puberty. It is a strange time for us all.

I became addicted to internet porn in my late teens, gay sex to me is very normal and natural and as your article described I lost interest in it over time. I became interested in strait porn and found myself increasingly losing interest in the male anatomy and developing a fetish for female genitalia.

Some gay men are critical of female genitalia, claiming it is disgusting. I have never found it disgusting and quite frankly I don’t think many gay men do really, I just had no attraction to it before my porn viewing became excessive. New genres gradually replaced old ones in sexual appeal. To my shock I started to think that I could potentially be bisexual, so I arranged a meeting with a female escort to test out this possibility, however I did not experience much arousal and the situation felt wrong to me. It was completely different to porn.

I decided to stop watching pornography and after being porn free for quite some time I can happily say my fetish for women has gone. Gay sex has returned to the norm for me.

I can also add that during my porn escalation, transexual porn never became arousing to me in the slightest, despite the fact pre-operative transwomen have a penis. It would be like asking a strait man if he would have sex with a man that had a vagina, which I have to add is something that did appeal to me at one time, however I did not venture into it.

Furthermore, I know several pre-operative transwomen and their sexual partners have all mostly been strait males who have sex with them and then never call them back or treat them badly. I believe this is brought on by the increase in transexual porn and it is absolutely terrible that they get treated this way, these women are being used as sex dolls for these type of men and it has to stop. Hopefully this article and any future articles you may write on the issue will shed some more light on this subject.

First of all, I am a 20 year old lesbian. It took me forever to admit it to myself since i grew up in a "Gays to hell" household. I have a girlfriend that I am in love with, emotionally, physically, and sexually. We've been together almost 2 years.

The past 6-8 months out of boredom, I began porn watching. I've always occasionally watched porn, but i'd say in the past 6-8 months is where is was around 5 times a week. To the point of staying up porn searching for hours, looking for a good porn. As others have said, I began to look more for extreme things (incest, rape, gangbang) all of which are OPPOSITE of what I find hot in real life, and I find them disgusting in real life. I also masturbate while watching porn. By the way, I am/was fully satisfied by my girl. But when I was at home (we don't live together) I would watch porn for fun or out of boredom.

If I couldn't study, i'd watch porn to "relive" my stress and get it out of my system. When i was bored, I'd watch it. No one home, I'd watch it.

I guess i didn't realize I was actually getting HOOKED on it. I watch straight porn because lesbian porn bores me because i hate to see girls who act like lesbians who are really straight try and fake their lesbian acts. Therefore, I love straight porn and picturing myself as a guy in the porn though im a femme lesbian. Never pictured myself as the girl in porn.

Anyway, within the past 2 weeks, i told my girlfriend I wanted to quit watching porn. I just realized i didn't want to associate myself with any of the nasty (and more hardcore) things I had begun watching. So i quit, cold-turkey. Next few days, I realized i was looking at guys sexually.
I mean every guy, as in the most ugly repulsing guy you can imagine and still thinking of him sexually.

It scared me since although i can find a guy "hot" i never want to be with him that way. But this was a whole new thinking for me.

And no, this is not my "unconscious" telling me something, seeing as how i spent 20 years trying to "make" myself straight and just recently came to terms with the fact that i love women as relationships, and guys as friends.

I just noticed these "straight" thoughts flourished after stopping porn.
What I think is that my mind saw naked males always having sex by me watching porn, so now that my brain isn't seeing it/getting the pleasure it gets from masturbation while watching porn, it automatically is associating every guy i see with porn which means sex.

Does this make sense to anyone else?

I'm afraid because this has caused me to be emotionless to everything lately.
Meaning my girlfriend, school, life, etc.

It's like I am having withdrawl symptoms of a real addiction such as drug addiction.
Never thought porn addiction had such symptoms, but then again, i never thought i was "addicted" but am now having different thoughts.

I've been experiencing: the straight thoughts, highs and lows, irritability, emotionless, etc. since stopping watching porn/masturbating.

Do you think once I finally get over my body not being exposed to porn that these thoughts will stop of associating every guy with sex when I know that's not what I want/how I am wired?

By the way, when i think of guys when i see them, its just sexually, and it's mainly their penis.
Kind of just like in porn.

This is so annoying.
Do you think stopping porn will help this go away for good? It's been about a week and a half or so.

Porn kinda messes with one's preferences no matter who you were before you got hooked. It affects people of all ages, races, gender, religions and socio-economic backgrounds. There are things I used to be repulsed by that I still find highly triggering and erotic that I don't let my mind focus on. When you first separate from porn you can't help but think about them because they have been part of your masturbation ritual for so long they are like the sexual wallpaper of our lives. Fill in the blanks of whatever your favorite video was and that's what I mean.

I know the feeling when you just wish it would go away and it doesn't and that can be frightening and disconcerting. Yet, you can and will heal if you make a plan and follow through with it. Yes, I do think you are experiencing part of the complex of emotions and physiological effect of porn withdrawal. It is intense but if you stick with it you will get through to a place that is something like who you used to be before you started using porn and in your case that means you will not question being a lesbian and be perfectly content with your sexuality and who you really are inside.

I'm a heterosexual male but over the years of attempts to quit I began involuntarily checking out other guys junk. It was as if suddenly I realized all these men had penis's like mine and I realized that it was possible to look at them the same way I would check out a woman. I never questioned my sexuality but it did kind of weird me out. I would think to myself "What the hell am I doing - I don't like guys?" I had this guitar teacher who always wore these tight pants and inevitably during the lesson my eyes couldn't help but look in the direction of his crotch and he noticed I did it once. How unbelievably awkward! That is a much rarer event today I assure you and less worrisome.

Anyway, you aren't alone and there's a whole bunch of research on this site that highlights the plastic changes in the brain that result from porn addiction and the things that happen during withdrawal.

The HOCD starts after you quit porn because it is a withdrawal symptom, just as some people get anxiety when they try to get off a drug (or porn). In our case, it just manifests as the worry about sexual orientation, because frankly that's connected to our porn use. (Material that didn't match our sexual orientation)

 Until I read that "Whoever you want to kiss defines your sexual orientation" I never pictured guys in that sense. Then all of a sudden I started thinking about THAT. That's HOCD in a nutshell basically, any situation will be twisted and warped to being "gay" or "straight."

 HOCD plays tricks, it creates situations in your mind and fools you into believing things, I woke up one morning after 30+days of no porn, and for half a day I was convinced I'd turned 100% homosexual over-night. I was terrified, the thought of never being able to love a woman again sent me into depression, until I met my girlfriend later that day, whereupon it totally vanished. 

 The point is whatever "feelings" you get while suffering from HOCD can't be trusted. I read on a HOCD forum a year or so ago that a guy had HOCD so bad he actually came out to his family and friends, but was still straight!

 Mine vanished after around 2-3 months without looking at transexual porn, I can't say exactly how long because quite frankly I just stopped counting and thinking about it. You really have to just change your thoughts instantly when a thought pops up. The longer you go without porn and keep ignoring those obsessive thoughts, the easier and easier it will eventually get!

I experienced a bit of sexual confusion when I was heavily erotica/fantasy addicted. I also experienced gender confusion.

Oh, an interesting thing happened - you know how straight men get into tranny stuff? Well, a few weeks ago, I found myself getting into STRAIGHT porn. For some reason, I found sex between a man and a woman real hot (who would've ever thought?) - at the same time, I was aware of feeling really wrong about it - hence, it was stimulating, I suppose. I totally related to how straight men here who got into tranny porn explained their experience.

Wow. Thanks for this very valuable bit of information! For some reason I just never thought it would happen the other way round.

During my teens, watching a picture of a woman in a tight skirt was enough porn for me...then it was only orgies that excited me...then only lesbians...and for the past few years, only shemales. During 2009-2010, a very petite Indonesian girl friend, and near the end of our relationship, the only way I could come while having sex with her was closing my eyes and thinking she was a shemale (like the ones I watch on the Internet), which was pretty scary because the porn I was watching was somehow transferring to the real life. And now I am seeking transexual porn where the "girls" look like the Indonesian girl I mentioned.

under the PT version of this article:

I just wanted to make a note that this article is leaving out these same effects on females. My sister and I (female) both have a mild porn addiction, which has desensitized each of our abilities to climax. We both recently discovered that, unbeknownst to us, we look at the same kinky, S&M-type porn in order to get off now. We also started looking at porn from a very young age, together-- just being silly and searching for words and images when we were about ten and twelve. The search for more stimulating porn has led me (not my sister) to worry about my sexuality. I currently identify as straight, but mainly the porn and my fantasies make me wonder, constantly, about my sexuality.

It would be interesting to address these same issues from this article, but in relation to both genders. Knowing that my sister is going through similar problems is very comforting. I imagine other women would like to know the same.

 I'm bisexual because I like my women to be women and my men to be men, I think if you prefer anything feminine [including transexuals] and dislike masculinity you can't really call yourself anything other than "mostly straight."

However, I do agree that pornography can distort ones sexual tastes, my own personal experiences have shown me this. Some of the men and women I have slept with over the last several years have been different to the men and women I slept with just ten years ago, simply for the fact that the things they do are more in line with pornographic acts rather than having sex. A woman I slept with recently asked me if I wanted to perform anal sex on her, I've never enjoyed it (with men or women) so I declined and she almost seemed relieved, like it was some sort of normal thing to do that is expected of women. Also it takes forever for a lot of men to climax nowadays, in fact my last boyfriend suffered from this delayed ejaculation and he was a very heavy porn user, I didn't make the connection then though.

Reading these posts about people with HOCD does nothing but show me they are suffering from an awful mental illness, I'm sure other bisexual and gay people would agree. My bisexuality didn't cause me anxiety and pain in regards to finding other men attractive, I didn't question myself 24/7 for years on end if I saw a guy on the street who was hot, the only thing that made me a little anxious was how people would react to finding out I liked guys as well as girls.

I find your articles very informative, Gary. Please keep us posted.

I've always liked girls from the beginning when I was a child, even at a young age I figure out ways to masturbate was before even clearly knowing what it or sex was. The only time I thought I was interested in men is was through a screen. Ever since then I've been masturbating in front of a computer...sometimes it would be once a day, others more than once and now its almost 5-10 times a day. As I've grown up, I think I've developed similar to what another homosexual user has posted about having a 'fetish' for a girls. Before this, I'd have a rare same sex fantasy, nothing I ever really considered acting on. But now, these fantasies and my porn viewing are far more frequent always have a twist them. I don't know if you'd classify this as an extremity, but for some reason, I've gained this attraction to weight fetish of the male body (A.K.A), Bears. The sexual thought of any other body type disgusted, but for some reason I'm real turned on by this. The thought of being dominated and possibly raped (though I've never viewed any rape-like porno) is arousing. I don't know if this is the reason for my decreased interest in girls, but I've feared I've turned gay over it, I think I have HOCD and OCD symptoms because of my low dopamine since I constantly argue with myself in my head trying to make shut up. If I concentrated, was calm and didn't acknowledge my fear of not getting it up, I was aroused by sexual thoughts of women. But whenever I'm anxious or worried, that arousal wouldn't happen. I've noticed by the 12-day sober PMO experiment, that I was more easily aroused by girls. But this has been going on for so long and I'm so drained and weak that I don't know whats is really what anymore...

is to unhook from porn for awhile.  Many men who get hooked on porn that doesn't match their sexual orientation find their tastes revert to pre-Internet porn days. Nothing to lose.

Good luck

One guy to another:

You would be surprised how much porn can warp your sexuality. A lot of people, including myself, progressed to strange porn and fapped to things that we would not normally be attracted to. This can definitely cause some confusion and cause you to doubt who you are. That's just the nature of porn addiction. Keep continuing the reboot and I bet in 90 days you will find that you will have a clear understanding of what you are attracted to.

from forum user:

"When I fapped all the time I naturally went to more and more extreme material as time went on. My extreme material was young girls. From 10 to 16 years old - hentai, models, CP; didn't matter, I loved it.

I often caught myself looking at young girls when they would happen to be wherever I am. But I would never dream of doing anything with them. However I always found myself to be awkward around them (like my niece for example) because I had so much trouble separating them from the sexual thoughts of little girls in my mind.

Today I noticed something in myself. Lately my taste in women has been far more mature and developed. I used to look at women with big boobs - Like D's and above - and think 'Meh, too large,' but lately I've just been thinking 'Ooh... Boobies' when encountering the same boobs. It has been weeks since I've looked at a young girl and thought of her as sexually attractive. I feel great because of it. Because of this shift in my mind I'm starting to feel like my mental age is actually closer to my physical age. (They're about 3 years apart rather than 5 or 6)

TL;DR: I think cutting out PMO may have helped me fix my ephebophilia/pedophilia."

She wrote:

The frequency of my masturbation continued and I started viewing porn more often than usual. I'd stay up very late at night to do it so I would have alone private time for it. I finally started viewing certain fetish stuff that intrigued me for a while but I never went to much before unless I stumbled upon it. PMO became a nightly and daily routine. I'd fit it in as much as possible. I don't know when it started but somewhere along the line I started viewing a bit too extreme material. I'm one of those geeky girls which loves anime and so of course that led to me viewing hentai more frequently. Now if any of you here have ever viewed hentai you know some of the messed up stuff that can be in it: tentacles (a total "WTF" thing), rape, incest, monsters, futanari (she-males) gangbangs etc. I know some of this is in regular porn as well. I've viewed it all by now and at one point or another I've enjoyed these things. It's kind of alarming because years ago I would have laughed or turned away from this sort of stuff. I viewed normal porn for a while with two non-drawn human beings and it got a bit more extreme. This is where it gets shameful and messed up to me... Eventually it was only hentai or drawn/digitally animated characters that could turn me on anymore. There were no imperfections in them. Nothing to get turned off by. Eventually I was no longer attracted to the males in the shows very often, I found myself wondering if I was "turning bi-sexual or lesbian" because of the beautiful big busted hentai girls that I was getting turned on by. I found myself searching for unrealistic sized breasts or some sort of other fetish related stuff and most nights it was the only thing I could get off to. I'd spend hours searching for the right clips and then take another hour to three to get off. Then finally when I typed in something along the lines of "big breasted dickgirl lesbians" or "lesbian hentai girls having sex" in a searchbar or something similar to that I knew I couldn't do this anymore. I've always been drawn to large breasts or breasts in particular: who doesn't find them attractive? But I've never wanted to have a girlfriend or be sexual, kiss, or experiment with another girl so looking these things up completely baffled me. I knew I was a straight female years ago. I still do, but I'd be craving these images to help me get off... these fake drawn images (sometimes real if the breasts or dicks or animations are large or dramatic enough). I'd still find myself attracted to guys to porn some night, but when the initial excitement wore off I'd end up turning to other fetish related stuff that they could do. (I'd rather not type out that certain fetish as of right now.)

Me now: That was a lot harder to type than I expected. So here I am, early 20's still a virgin and have lost my "true libido" early in life. I respond to physical touch sometimes, but I don't get very wet unless close to orgasm. I don't have many days that I feel horny almost all throughout the day like I used to. It comes in very small bouts. My arousal has turned more into a need for orgasm than a need or desire for actual sex.

LINK - thomaslewisMay 20, 2012

Hey it's easy. Stop beating off so much and your **** will be back to normal buddy.

You're talking to the living breathing example of this. Used to be addicted to foot fetish porn and couldn't get it up for actual sex. You have no idea how embarrassing that is. Then I got into a situation where I couldn't look at porn for a month and a half, and couldn't beat off either. I took it as an opportunity and rarely bat off. I think I did it like 3 times in a month and a half period. HOLYYY SHOOTTT, was waking up rock solid erections. It was like the old days again!! I'd have to focus all my energy into making it go back down because it would HURT!! MAN!! I THOUGHT MY LIFE WAS OVERRRR!!! Then I stopped beating off and looking at internet porn :)

They say masturbation is okay, and doctors even encourage it. The truth is, masturbating is NOT okay. It should be considered a LAST RESORT option. When you beat off, you deplete your sexual energy, and this trickles down into many aspects of your life. Just like buddy's dad says in American pie: "it's not a game"

I agree. I've been trying to reboot for the past 50 plus days, but I've relapse 3 times. And i went through one period where I managed 43 days. When I went back to porn I surprised that I had no interest to MO to pre-op transexual and gay porn, I was more interested in the female body.

The thing is a part of me is actually sad that I'm not as aroused by the thought of transwomen as I used to be, because I don't have a problem with being pansexual. But it's a price worth paying. LINK

Porn is other people having sex and you watching. This breeds all kinds of messed up...

Think about that. How healthy can that be to watch other people have fun, always yourself being a non-participant?

Honestly it can't be all that good. IDK about you, but I was starting to get somewhat messed up in my view of sexuality.

It feels scary admitting it, and I'll probably delete this comment, but I had started to place myself as the girl in the videos more and more. You might think I'm gay, or bi, but the honest truth is that I never notice guys or men in real life, just girls. Not turned on by gay porn either. So what the hell? Why did I begin to be turned on by thinking of myself as having sex with guys? I'm not a virgin, have a girl, and never had erectile problems, just loss of interest.

Honestly I believe it was due to porn. It reinforced for many years my self-placed beta-position of a watcher and non-participant, and so it became that I began to think of myself as someone who will NEVER be able to do that to girls, and to instead become the girl even in my thoughts. Weird kind of sublimation, the burying of active desire into passive receiving of both images and scenes and imaginary jizz, perhaps because it's easier to imagine being a participant that way. The girls always go for other guys in porn, never you. All hot girls go for other guys. Maybe I should go to these guys too... This is messed up, and it might be that I'm wrong about not even being bi, but I don't think so. I just know that if I go even a few weeks without porn, without seeing other penises touching hot girls, this strange feeling abates more and more, and my straightness re-emerges

GUY 2)

You're not alone. I found after porn binges I would fantasize about being the girl, or even crossdressing. I am not attracted to guys at all but I do find women's sexuality to enviable. In some way I guess I wanted to be the center of the sexual attention the same way the porn girls are.

Since my porn diet I have had less and less thoughts along those lines.

GUY 3)

I've found myself thinking and behaving similarly. Its like I don't know how to participate in social or sexual situations - I just sort of freeze. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do, I feel like my participation in the discussion or whatever situation it is would be unnatural, that my lot in life is that of the Watcher. I now realize that addiction to PMO has, if not sown the seeds of this tendency, then exacerbated it and led me to believe that there is something wrong with me. Of course, in a way, there is something wrong with me: I'm addicted to watching other people having sex and have a hard time even imagining myself in the same situation. All of my fantasies are visual. None are tactile, none involve me actually having sex. Since discovering nofap and coming to realize that there is a set of behavioral and neurological reasons why I feel this sense of unease, this constant anxiety and these crippling hang-ups about women, love, and sex I have felt much better about myself. I now know I can change and take on this problem. Feels good. Better than fapping, that's for sure.

GUY 4)

Chalk it up to being desensitized by too much porn. It is not uncommon for men to seek out stanger porn when regular porn doesn't do it for them anymore. That is also probably the point where ED can become an issue. There is no reason to question your sexuality. Get off the porn and you will become resensitized to women and not porn. I realize that you are still looking at straight porn, but switching roles in your mind seems to be a first step towards desensitization.

GUY 5)

Many good points made here.

I remember first realizing this the first time and thinking how strange of me to imagine these things. I started forcing myself to think from the male perspective because it bothered me so much.

GUY 6)

Wow this hits close to home. I have never been big on porn, but I get in phases where I do it for a couple months at a time. But the reason I commented was because I have developed an unusual masturbation technique over the years. While masturbating (mostly without porn when I do this method) I often imagine me as the girl. For some reason, it always made me "get in the mood" and orgasm faster. And same here, I am not gay in the least bit. But I figured this wasn't healthy either, so I am slowly trying to quit

GUY 7)

I honestly experienced everything this guy did in this post. With me I'd edge to being the girl, it is really really creepy in retrospect. porn is becoming distasteful for me!!!

GUY 8)

Your assessment is quite accurate, I think. I would bet that the explosion of porn has led to an increase in the "cuckold" or "wife-watcher" fantasy. No sources for that, but just a feeling - you watch so much porn, you want it to be real life, so you try and convince your wife to bang other dudes... so that you can watch... just like with porn. Yet another reason to stay away from porn and just try to interact with real humans as much as possible.

GUY 9)

Yeah - porn addiction does fucked up things to you. Towards the end I was veering all over the place. Your emotions get so screwed up, basically you are hurting and trying to fill it with the biggest hit you can find, that pleasure is maximised by going further than before, and ironically that makes the hurt worse.

Quit forever and you will rediscover your true self in time.

GUY 10)

I used to watch exclusively lesbian porn, because it eased my conscience a bit. While man-on-girl porn made me cringe because I knew the girl wasn't enjoying it half as much as she was pretending to be, and because I didn't want to slowly become a predatory macho-beast that seeks sex above all else, I assumed (incorrectly) that lesbian sex was the safe gray area.

My reasoning went like this: lesbians are probably enjoying for real (which they weren't) and lesbian porn keeps me from becoming a porn addict who has disregard for women (which it didn't).

So I spent a lot of time watching lesbian porn and thinking that it wasn't having all the bad effects on me. In real life, I started having disregard for women because ANY FORM of porn molds your brain into esteeming your own orgasm over anything else. You get into a cycle where you become a servant to your penis and this is dangerous, no matter what sort/form of porn you're addicted to.

Load of crap.

GUY 11)

This is one of the best posts I've read on nofap. Thanks for your honesty and insight.

I can relate to this, actually. The role of non-participant/watcher has never made as much sense as after reading your post.

Wow. This explains so much of what has happened in my life

GUY 12)

Hey, I had something similar. When I would watch porn, I'd have to make sure that the guy I'm watching was attractive. Of course, the girl would be too, but I'd focus on the guy and think, "Man, this guy is lucky. He has a great body, awesome sex life - I wish I could be him."

But now, I'm working on improving myself, instead of sitting around hopelessly and enviously fapping.

GUY 13)

Man, don't sweat it. The mind is a complex thing. There's a big difference between fantasy and reality. Porn fucks with our sense of reality and who we are. From porn, I, too, start believing in my head that I'm no good at real sex so I have to fantasize through porn actors that I'm fucking the shit out of someone else. Fucks with my head. That's why I'm getting off of PMOing. It takes time. Remember, porn's making you have thoughts and fantasies that you'd likely not have otherwise. And just because you have fantasies involving the same sex, that does not mean you are gay. Just as a gay man can fantasize about straight sex, that does not mean he's straight. Hang tough.



I think crossdresser porn is a shemale porn addiction that has escalated. They are the combo of a lot of porn and fetishs I have. For example, I like porn with women in high heels, stockings, lingeries etc. I also like more amateur porn than profissional porn. I like shemale porn. And I like porn with women who look young. So, if you ask me, is much more easy to find a video of an amateur young crossdresser in stockings and heels than a shemale in the same conditions. Even in youtube it's easier to find a young crossdresser in heels than a shemale.

I didn't was interested in any of this before I started to watch internet porn. Just real girls of my age. Now i like BBB, BBW, Milf, Tranny, Crossdresser, Fat, Skinny, Teen, I even watched granny porn once to see if I was into it. See? I thougt that was my SEXUALITY. I never thought actually I developed it by watching porn.

If I've had given granny porn a chance, I would like it now too. Once I saw few seconds of a bisexual video (one woman, two guys) and I started to feel that "taboo" feeling, but I didn't give it a chance, did not masturbate to it and changed the video. So, I don't watch bisexual videos and have no cravings about it. That's because I didn't gave it a chance. But I gave a chance to every other kind of porn I'm into right now.

I remember, for example, when I was 17, a friend of mine told me about some fatty chick he was fucking. I knew her and wasn't attracted to her. I didn't like fat girls and didn't understood why he liked. So when I came home I started to look for porn with fat girls to see if I was into it, I wasn't... until I started to masturbate to it. Then again the next day. And again and again. Now I love fat chicks. And it started in the 'virtual world". I wasn't attracted to fat girls before that day. But since I didn't know about internet porn addiction, I thought my sexuality was something concrete, and that I was discovering tastes, not creating them. Now I know the damage I has done because of my lack of knowledge about this addiction. I experimented a lot of porn to understand my sexuality without knowing I was morphing it! I don't mind the bbw, milf, bbb, teen, skinny stuff. What makes me angry is liking shemale porn and crossdressing porn. And I developed HOCD because of it.

One of the things that make rebooting difficult is how hard you try to avoid thinking of the porn you want to get rid off. I'm struggling thinking about shemale porn and crossdressing, and having cravings etc., because I HATE LIKING THAT KIND OF PORN. Like when you tell someone to NOT think about a yellow elephant. There was I time I was into watching videos with women and horses, but I didn't thought it was taboo, actually. So one day I decided it was wrong and gross, and closed my accounts on those kind of sites. I wasn't angry, wasn't feeling shame. I just thought it was better not to watch it. Today I have no cravings about it, I don't feel I need to watch it too. I KNOW that if I watch it, maybe I will like. But it's not something that I want to do, it doesn't bugs me.

But I don't face the crossdresser porn and shemale porn the same way. I don't wan't to watch it because I hate me when I do. I hate liking it. And that's the way you make things more difficult. You can't think you don't wan't to watch it because you'll hate you if you do. If I was rebooting because of my addiction to fat girls porn, thinking I didn't want to watch them anymore, all my cravings would be of fat girls. When you reboot, you need to be gentle to yourself, you need to ACCEPT that maybe the porn you want to stop liking will always be exciting to you. You can't think you want to STOP liking those videos. You have to accept that maybe you'll always like the stuff you are afraid of, because thinking this way will help your rebooting. Also, I think mindfullness meditation is the best thing for those trying to reboot.

If you read my other posts you'll see I was going in the wrong approach of rebooting. I was angry with my porn addiction. Thats bad.

ps: pardon my english (lol), english isn't my first language


Hi All,

This is going to be a fairly long post so bear with me.

Background -

I first starting MO'ing at around 13/14 - first it was to pictures of women in bikinis and bra's. Then at 15/16 I built up a collection of lil clips pretty straight forward vanilla stuff. I have never had sex but have had girlfriends - kissing / handjobs etc. But not full sex. Needless to say I have always had low confidence and this held me back from pursuing girls. However the porn was a place to escape so from the age of 21 I have been downloading scenes. I have been through a range of genres to pretty hardcore but always the main focus was women.

Present -

I am now 24. Since March/April this year my porn use has escalated to Tran/ Gay porn. Now the funny thing is my porn use was still 80% straight 20% other. Now theres a girl at work I have a crush on really bad get butterflies in my stomach and she seems pretty interested - but because I havent had sex before and I always had performance anxiety so I kind of shied away from any companionship ( I know recurring cycle). So in order to get better I decided to go without porn for a week. Now this is when the HOCD first arrived. As I was still watching mostly straight porn when I used to PMO to it and and tran/gay I still felt straight its weird I was fine - it was just that the tran/ gay stuff was forbidden - I felt guilty after but the rush was good. Almost like when I first discovered porn. But during this first week of reboot HOCD came on bad.

Now I have been doing my research on here and thank you to you all - so I knew that the dopamine rush was highest from Tran/gay stuff as that was the most recent thing that gave me a kick. This HOCD has me feeling like shit - I have lost close family members and felt sad but this was something else. I wont go as far as saying suicide but I felt my life was over. The HOCD had me thinking alot of things I never thought before. I always fancied girls but HOCD makes me think I have always been gay thats why I never succeeded with them.

I am now 4 weeks into a reboot and there has been progress made but the HOCD has also changed. Let me give you a description;

Week 1 -

Tran/ Gay flashbacks all the time couldn't eat, Nauseating anxiety then Dopamine rush arousal all the time. Going to work in the financial industry(male dominated) it was hell. The constant testing - My attraction to women was null at this point. Very bad times. I deleted all my porn and bookmarks. one Dream about PMO to gay fantasy. Still no PMO

Week 2 -

I felt abit better - I was getting hard-ons to women but these were "porn" hard ons not genuine hard-ons ( I know you guys will know what I mean). I read a article in the newspaper by some gay man - I spiked stopped eating again back to week one. one Dream about PMO to gay fantasy. Still no PMO

Week 3 -

Still seeing men and getting porn flashbacks - Worst time for this is at night before i go to bed. Some Improvements since no PMO I realise how much spare time I have and I have alot of spare time - Im now really bored. Its really made me look at how my life. I used to search for constant novelty - Always on facebook looking at girls / ebay looking at clothes etc. I now really like getting out the house even if its going to see friends. Some social improvements the social anxiety from before is disappearing - I used to speak really low - now theres more base in my voice I like to conversate. I have noticed this at work I feel alot more social. The only thing i want to get back to is the gym but I am still too scared I may get the anxiety then arousal. Still no PMO

Week 4 -

The porn flashbacks are disappearing. The HOCD is changing now thought which is good and bad. Its weird Its almost as if I like the HOCD because I'll bring it on myself ( sounds strange I know) . I have had some good days been they always end bad because I always test its almost as if secretly I want to have the HOCD. I am starting to get some attraction back to woman - just general fantasy like kissing and rubbing I am getting some erections. I am getting morning wood now aswell. But my general libido towards woman is so low still no desire. The HOCD is different now. Its gone from hard sex visuals in my mind now its telling I would rather want a relationship with a man than with a woman. Throughout this week it has attached itself to each one of my colleagues but I laugh it off because it will go and im fine around them. Now its attached itself to someone form my secondary school bizarre its like its clutching at straws.

I have made significant change to my home life. Done some feng shui - cleaned out my room want a new fresh start. I have bought a macbook Air and will be getting rid of the desktop which for years has been my ally in PMO. I will replace the desk with a easel for drawing and painting.

And will get back to drawing. Also want to get back into the gym I believe this will help my confidence

Week 5 (just started this week) -

I am having flashbacks of more vanilla porn and having urges to PMO again. This happens alot more when Im at home and bored. But the flip side is im outside and testing all the time. This is my main issue its the testing and 24 hour thoughts on the subject. I look at the girl from work I fancy and shes attractive but still feel nothing no libido its weird. I do now think of girls get a better erection say 45% and then a mans face will flash in my brain. Overall things are slowly getting better but the things with HOCD is the constant need to know its gone so I constantly think I will be like this for the rest of my life even though Im only 5 weeks in. I think I will need at least 5-6 months off but its that constant need for instant gratification that its now over. I have lost some weight in this past month and because of the HOCD it has prohibited me from asking this lady out - I want to but still am very scared things will go wrong and it will lead to a big spike and knock me back. So for now Im just taking everyday as it comes and trying to deal with the boredom. and Still no PMO - I am adamant on no PMO at all - have been tempted to just watch porn to see if i get attracted to women but I think it will hinder progress.

I had alot to get off my chest -

Tks All

What drove me to Nofap?

I use to be able to last longer than four hours wearing a condom. After years of PMO I discovered that sex with condom made me feel absolutely nothing, even ED happened one time (it was a very big deal for me). I could feel sex without condom, but it wasn't the same as it was before (when I was 18). I didn't feel the intense pleasure as if I could blow up any second, I just felt a minor thing. I knew something was wrong, and I kind of knew it had something to do with daily PMO. I tried stopping but I wasn't sure if it would help, so I didn't. Not until I discovered Gary Wilson by accident.

What turned me on before in comparison to now? (best be careful while reading, skip it if it makes you edge)

Regular porn didn't do it anymore, I looked into all sorts of different women, different positions, different holes, it just didn't suffice anymore. Someone trolled me by sending a shemale porn video, and that did it. A woman that wasn't really a woman, the idea turned me on. This fetish stuck on me for many years (maybe five or six). It didn't go stale because I took pleasure in hunting for shemales that looked exactly like girls, with or without male genitalia. I knew it was hurting my sexuality, but I just continued. I pondered over whether or not I was gay, but I just didn't feel attracted to men as I did to women. Women are the most beautiful thing on earth and I was missing it. After three months of nofap, if a girl so much as glance at my general direction it turns me on. Not only that, they feel like magnets to me. I'm extremely drawn to women and I want to interact and touch them. When I saw women before nofap, I would walk by thinking, "I don't care about you, bye". Today is the completely opposite, I'm drawn to most women in a primitive way. I absolutely love it. Porn doesn't exist for me anymore.

What other changes have you noticed?

I ain't going to say I'm anxiety free. But it did diminish like 80% from what it use to be. At this pace I will be anxiety free pretty soon. So, let me make a little list to make this easier on the eye.

  • Much less anxiety
  • Boner anytime
  • Confidence
  • Desire to meet people and to go out (I wasn't as SAP as some of you, but if you are extremely SAP and three months doesn't cut it, hang in there)
  • 100% increase in sensibility
  • Women detection radar (every girl within a thirty yard radius will be noticed immediately)
  • 100% increase in focus (no more ADHD like symptoms, now I can finish things I start)

During this time I went in and out of a relationship, made new friends, went through new experiences and I lived much more than I would have done so before.

What happened when I fapped?

When I fapped every day (several times per day), if someone called me to go out, I would immediately dismiss it. Even though I thought women were extremely attractive, I felt zero desire to try anything with them, because I was always 'satisfied' sexually. As a teenager I went through a period where I fapped about ten times a day (and this is no exaggeration, sometimes it would be more than that), as I grew older, it got to a steady three to four times a day, every day. I had panic attacks for a while, then anxiety attacks, then extreme ADHD symptoms (where I couldn't focus on anything, abandoned everything I started). I felt guilty after every PMO session. People said I shouldn't feel guilty, and that everything porn-related is normal, but I felt a strong sense of shame that I couldn't help.

Bottom line

Changed my life from head to toe (I literally bulked up, because I started going to the gym as well). I didn't get super powers like someone of you claim, but I definitely gained a newly found (or re-found) love for women, especially the delicate ones, makes me want to embrace and protect them. Guys, it's damn worth it, don't give up. Changes may seem very slow and almost non-existential at first but if you compare to what you were before you started, you will notice hell of a lot difference after three months.

LINK - 90 days reporting in. (Brutally honest)

How many of you are addicted to shemale/transsexual porn? Are you finding it harder to quit than regular porn?

Throwaway for obvious reasons. My porn addiction escalated to heights where vanilla sex whilst erotic was no longer exciting, this led me to shemale porn. Anyway, my question is to those of you who watch shemale porn is are you finding it a lot harder to quit?

What's interesting is I think the HOCD started for me not because I watched gay or trans porn, because I was confident in my "heterosexuality" not to get into that.  It was when I didn't feel passion for my girlfriend like I always wanted to (even from the first date, though I knew she was perfect for me and was cute as a button), and then I realized I preferred porn to her. 

The fact that I finally met the girl I always wanted (girl of my dreams), and I didn't feel it with her made me wonder if I was gay. 

But now that I'm off PMO for 16 days, I'm beginning to see for real what I really saw in her.  I see love for her, and the love for women I had.  I'm remembering the beautiful moments I always dreamed of having with a love, and I'm beginning to finally experience them.  The HOCD is still there right now, but it's much more tolerable, knowing I love her for real, and not those 2-D women.

LINK to thread

I'll tell my story here. Last years I gradually started to have gay thoughts - they are very rare. Once, coming back from a party, I thought "what if I have sex with a guy?". And yes, I had porn addiction, always masturbating and thinking about crazy fantasies (including gay). But that never interfered in my sexual orientation. So, after I got ED with an old woman, she asked me "are you gay?". Then my mind got blown away. Because I thought to myself "what is the MEANING of the gay thoughts that I previously had?". What if I have a gay/bi side? My HOCD is the Spectrum one, when you can't stop doubting if you have an "other side".

So I got OCD. In the beginning was hard, I got suicidal, destroyed my life and all the stuff you're used to.

So, after 1 year, I really beat OCD, used Schwartz method and others. I discovered YBOP and know I made the link. Why my obsessions are always SEXUAL and never walk hands to hands with a guy? Obviously because the last one I could immediately dismiss as something I disgust and will never do. So I started to think that arousal addiction could have validated in my brain that gay sex was rewarding and then fucked up with my life - because I'm not gay, never was, never will be.

Is it really possible that arousal addiction cause HOCD?

LINK to thread

My manly man likes to see she-male porn! Is this a common fetish for men? - THREAD

My husband of five years is looking at shemales. He's always had a healthy sexual appetite. However, he has been less interested in me lately and has been acting suspicious so I started monitering his computer. He looks at craig's list everyday, in our area, under erotic services from t4m (transvestites for men).

My husband is a man's man so I was very floored when I discovered this. He doesn't like to dress in woman's clothing, that I know of, so I don't think that it is because he is a transvestite himself. I'm confused. I've read all kinds of forums and some people say that there is no way he's gay because gay men are not attracted to femininity. Others say straight men would never be turned-on by someone with a penis. However, what if he is gay but is ashamed etc. and feels that searching for a woman with a penis is a suitable compromise for now? This may be too personal, but I feel it is relevant, he has a thing for anal sex (which I will oblige occasionally) and only likes to have sex "doggie style". I've never thought these details strange until now.

I just need some opinions on whether or not straight (not bi or gay) men could be turned on by transvestites enough to look at them everyday. Yes, I will eventually ask him myself, but for know, I'm really not supposed to have found out this information (I used a keylogger because he deletes his entire history every time he's on the computer..hence 1 suspicious action). I really don't want to cause a problem in our relationship with this fact if this is just some common fetish that most people would never persue physically.

GUY 1)  It appears we have all been going in the same direction. Child porn sickens me and always has. But i have seen my porn habits and preferences change so dramatically over the years that anything is possible should one continue down this road.

GUY 2) Exactly. Way back in the day it was bikini pictures, then couples having sex. Then magazines where it was couples or threesomes; occasionally small groups. Then internet porn came along and it was MMF all the time, then gangbangs, larger groups.

Then in the last 5 years I'd moved to alien porn, monsters fucking chicks, tentacle porn, violent mysogyny, forced sex, rape, gangrape, face rape, anal rape. Then choking, slapping, shaking, strangulation and strangulation snuff. Then snuff in groups then stabbing, shooting snuff, necrophilia and gore soaked necrophilia.

It took me about 15 years to get here and 15 years ago I could never, ever, possibly have imagined that a decade and half later I would be jacking off to pictures/video (staged!!) of a roomful of chicks being shot to death and violated post mortem.

Inconceivable. Yet here we are. (LINK to thread)

this topic is very realistic and i would say,  disturbing ... my lowest point was similar, girl in the bed, and me looking at pr0n in desperate attempt of getting an erection... since that i stopped dating and meeting any girl basically because i'm afraid it will happen again... i know that probably i'll have performance issues next time but i'm determined to success in reboot, and i'll think about performance later

in pr0n perspective, i've reached the level where even usual pr0n i always liked and used, which was already kinky, wasn't even close to enough for an erection...  stuff i need is not at all related to any kind of sex and i'm ashamed of stuff i watch and fantasize about

(LINK to thread)

Lowest point? Three actually and there are pretty strong trigger scenes as i have seen people mention that there needs to be a disclaimer:

  1. Lying on a bed, having my dick sucked by a guy and not getting it up. and you know what the worst thing is? I was watching porn on his phone and getting sucked at the same time and i could not get it up. I left guys and my "gaysm" there and then and never looked back. Left porn for some time too but came back to it after some time.
  2. Watching a chick eating shit and being pissed on at the same time. What the fuck was i thinking? Rebooted for some time too before going back to it.
  3. Losing out my pharmacy diploma and losing my girlfriend on the same day due to porn and procrastination.

That is when i went bam! I need a new start and here I am, day 2

(LINK to thread)

Can't orgasm unless watching kinky porn...

I'm a woman who has not had an orgasm during sex (penetrative or oral) before. Based on previous answers, I guess this is something that might change with time and practice, but the problem is I am only able to come when masturbating to kinky porn (mostly gangbang). My SO is definitely not into that, and I'm worried that regular sex will never turn me on enough to get me to come. Should I be concerned?? How can I wean myself off this?

Guess I'm gonna just be a ditto bot here, but I want to agree with so many points...

-Porn can make you feel asexual. I've felt nothing short of sexually empty most of the time in the last few years around girls. They could feel it from me, and it's always been difficult to be around any women near sexual eligibility to me for any period of time. This has been going on as far back as late high school for my case. That's 9 years now as of yesterday.

-Porn CAN alter a person's sexual tastes. This happened for my case lightning fast. I'll have to describe this in further detail in my blog when I write it, because I can't get so graphic here, as to adequately explain how badly porn knocked me out of sexual norms.

And right now I'm in a shame stage of my recovery with no professionals in my area knowledgeable of the subject enough to console me in my self-hating misery. I had asked a few professionals along the way about "Is porn safe?", and "Can porn change your tastes"? And just only got a "nah, you're just kinky my friend. That's normal. It's good for ya!".

Now the best I get is the consolation that my addiction and the novelty circuit is responsible for my rapidly evolved tastes, and not immorality on my part. It WILL be enough, but It's hard to face these feelings alone. I wish I had the fortuitousness to have my birth/my addiction cycle pushed 7 years forward in time from now, when support will be available in the future inevitably.

Whatever, I'm a tough guy mentally and I can take it, especially being twice as strong from quitting PMO/starting exercising/dieting/a healthy lifestyle. I'm already a new man. (sry if the last part of this paragraph was excessive btw).

I'm coming up on 6 weeks of no PMO, and I thought I would take a moment to do a little inventory of how things are going.

Quitting PMO has been fantastic for me. I still orgasm a few times a week during sex with my girlfriend, and right now I don't have any plans to change that. I sent her an article from this site about Karezza and she seems interested, and it's something we might try in the future. But we both really enjoy orgasming together. So for now, we will continue to do that.

The first few weeks of my no PMO I still masturbated, although less so. I'm almost at 3 weeks of no MO and am feeling good about continuing with that.

My girlfriend and I both like the fact that all of my sexual expression and experience is now with her. It's wonderful to share that with someone. It has made our sex deeper, closer, more pleasurable. My desire for her, especially when I go a week or so without any orgasm whatsoever, is intense. I'm very responsive and the pleasure I experience with her is out of this world.

I've noticed some other benefits, many of which have been chronicled on this site by others:

- Improved mood. I'm more calm and patient, handle stress much better, am generally more optimistic and friendly.

- More energy. I don't feel run down as much as I used to.

- Better sleep. My sleep fluctuates, but right now I'm sleeping well.

- I notice and appreciate women more. Just walking down the street I will see someone who really catches my attention.

- I just have a general better feeling of well-being. I don't drop into mild depression like I used to.

- This has been slower to come, but I am starting to feel like I am getting my "mojo" back, feeling more aggressive and confident and getting some of my "swagger" back. I'm hoping for more improvement in this area.

I think this all contributed to a significant reduction in my HOCD symptoms. Before I started this I would say, on a scale of 1-10 on how much HOCD bothered me and how much time I spent ruminating on it, I would say 7. Now, I would say 3. I still get the thoughts and spikes from time to time, but I'm able to brush them off much easier and move on with whatever I am doing. My brain doesn't become "locked" on this particular anxiety or doubt or worry as much as it used to. The intrusive thoughts during intimate times are less.

Thanks for everyone's support, this site has been a great find for me. I purchased Marina's book, which I plan to read on my next trip out of town.

ATL - link to post

I told my mother about YBOP and my porn addiction a few weeks ago after a bad relapse. I needed to hear my own voice say the things that my mind had felt and known for a long time. At first, her reaction was "are you kidding?, pornography is perfectly fine!". I told her I would not talk to her about it until she saw the TedX video. After she saw it...she understood. She was able to put the pieces together, to understand just how much of a drastic change this was in my life. And then she told me that I was awesome for doing something like this...and that I was on the right path.
Then we proceed to talk about it some more for about an hour. I told her about ED, HOCD, how I escalated to the most extreme types of porn...what it was doing to my mental health...etc. I told her of the amazing benefits of nofap / noporn. How I had cured my social anxiety, how I did not have panic attacks anymore, how I felt more confident, and had plenty of energy / willpower to really go out there and take life by the horns.
It was a pretty awesome experience, I think. She still doesn't understand the struggle, that this is an addiction. But the fact that she is supportive is all that matters to me.

Addicted to Shemale Porn. Anyone Have Long-Term Success with NoFap and Fetishes?

I've been addicted to shemale porn for many years. I started out with softcore female porn and progressed from there. I've been on the NoFap journey for over a year now.

I've made it 30-40 days on many occasions, but I always relapse to shemale porn. I try to dismiss the thoughts, but I usually give up after 5-6 weeks of struggling and convince myself that it's never going to go away.

Each time I relapse, I tell myself that I'm just going to accept it and stop blaming the attraction on porn. I've even met up with a few shemales on previous relapses with this mindset. Despite the attempt to stay open-minded, I end up feeling miserable and depressed after a few days of locking myself inside and watching shemale porn constantly or spending time trying to find a shemale to meet with.

I relapsed a few days ago after 40 days of no porn. Immediately after orgasm, I feel sick about it and swear to myself that I will start NoFap again. But, a few hours later, I convince myself that another attempt is futile. I'm just losing hope that 40 days of struggling and HOCD is going to lead me anywhere other than back into the same place. I'm at the point where I would even be fine with the shemale attraction if I could just accept it and live with it without the feelings of shame and guilt every time. It feels much more natural to be with a female, but I can't get the sexual thoughts of shemales out of my mind.

GUY 2)

I'm curious about this as well. I hope someone with actual scientific knowledge comes into this thread to enlighten us. Can your brain ever completely lose the desire for old fetishes?

I've had really similar difficulties. I did get really into shemale porn during the last year of my fapping. It really made me feel alienated, as I'm not attracted to men and I would be horrified to actually have any sexual contact with a tranny - even a very effeminate one - in real life. That's when I decided I needed to stop fapping. This was December 2010. At first I just slowly cycled down, from the very hardcore, extreme porn of all types to more benign videos, then eventually just softcore imagery. I eventually found nofap about a year ago, and despite a number of resets, I've gone 90 days once and 30+ a few times, and I no longer have a desire to look at tranny porn. I will say that every once in a while the idea comes into my head and it seems attractive, but it never lingers for long.

On the other hand, shemale porn wasn't exactly my fetish of choice. Mine was a particular region of the body that should only be used as an exit. Not just sex with it, but everything that has to do with it (except poo, gladly). Despite the fact that I've been largely off hardcore porn for over a year, I still find myself fantasizing about extreme forms of sexual behavior involving that fetish fairly often. Boredom and laziness leads to edging, fantasizing and eventually relapsing.

GUY 3)

Hmm I'm quite curious about this. I've developed sexual fetishes over the last ~7 years - nothing super extreme. But stuff 8/10 women would be uncomfortable with.

I was really hoping NoFap would help 'cure' me of these fetishes. Because I want to enjoy intimate, vanilla-ish sex with a loving mate... and not just enjoy bizarre fetish sex in my head or on a computer screen.

Can anyone say if NoFap has helped diminish their fetishes?

Also, OP, do you like shemales in real life, or just in porn? Be honest! Because if that really is your thing in real life, it's nothing to be ashamed off. Some of us like chocolate icecream, some of us like strawberry.

GUY 4)

Yes, I am aroused by them in real life if they are very feminine. It is just more difficult since most shemales I come across in real life are masculine or have noticeable masculine traits (deep voice, no hips, broad shoulders) that turn me off.

It's hard to say whether or not I would have this fetish without porn.

GUY 5)

Hey dude, I am in a similar boat to you. I have been with a few shemale escorts in real life and was definitely hooked on shemale porn. After I was with the escorts I felt pretty meh afterwards, not really ashamed but apathetic. That could be because it is an escort though, I have been with female escorts and have a similar feeling afterwards as well. I am nearly up to 90 days (if I started my counter at the right time, can't remember) and I still get turned on when I think about those experiences, not so much the porn. I have a subfetish within the shemale genre which is not just exclusive to shemales which still gets me hard when I think about it. I still have longer to go to abstain (a few more months) so I will know for sure around that time if perhaps I am genuinely turned on by them/this fetish. I am not really bothered if I do have 'bisexual' tendencies, and like you I don't find men attractive one bit. In Brazil, for example, I have heard it is common for some men to have relations with 'travestis.' The thing is, I just want to know for sure if it is porn warping my brain (bad) or if it is indeed genuine desire, which is ok. Anyways, I think you should just soldier on man, the desires do become less over time.

GUY 6)

I don't think your link will help much, because shemales are not a sexual orientation but a fetichism. Just ask some gays if they find shemales attractive. The answer will be a big NO. Because except from their penis, shemales looks very much like women, and it is a known fact that gays are not attracted to women but to men. Many studies have prooved it, the number one consumer of shemale porn are straights men

GUY 7)

I can't say I share your particular fetish, but I can share my own experience.

I don't think most fetishes are necessarily tied to fapping. A lot of them are dormant, and certain triggers will activate them, or make you aware of them. Some fetishes I have I can remember instances of all the way from early childhood, around age 5 or 6. This was obviously way before masturbation or porn was part of the picture.

I can say that some things I have fapped to, while using porn, I was disgusted with as well. But this was towards the end, after a decade of porn was making it harder and harder to get off.

That said, I have only just begun NoFap, and am only on Day 5, but every fetish I had before still seems rather appealing. Time will tell if that changes.

GUY 8)

I realize you're feeling down about relapsing, but way to go on making it 30+ days so many times.

The past two days my scumbag brain has seemingly woken up and has been trying to harder to get me to pmo. For the first 6 days, any sexual thoughts I had would be about girls I had known in real life. The past two days however, after having these sorts of sexual thoughts for a couple minutes, my mind suddenly shifts gears and floods my mind's eye with images of various fetishes I have been into. It feels like my brain is getting desperate for me to give in to the addiction, so it has to up the ante every time I resist.

It definitely makes things more challenging and am gaining ever more respect for my fellow fapstronauts. I'm also just taking it as a sign of progress, I have to willingly say no and refuse the temptations if I'm ever going to let go of them.

GUY 9)

Maybe so. I'm not sure what causes the guilt and uncomfortable feeling. I know I'm not attracted to men. When I stay away from porn, my sex drive for women is very strong and I feel no attraction to men.

GUY 10)

Trust me, I know where you're coming from. The theory is that your brain knows that the fetish porn gives you a kick like nothing else, so you continue to crave it. But, good luck convincing yourself of that in the midst of it all.

I really put effort into my last attempt. No computer, daily journal, and more. But, it still managed to catch me with my guard down. For a while around the 30 day mark, I actually thought that I was going to succeed. I felt positive and the fetish porn thoughts were dwindling. But a few events occurred and I ended up masturbating without porn. It was downhill from there since I couldn't get porn off my mind.



Is it normal for "us lot" to feel the need to masturbate multiple times a day without really being that horny? I've only just come to realise that I can get much easier erections to extremer porn than normal. I can't watch much of the regular stuff any more, it's no good. How do you guys stop yourself from having a wank?

Couldn't get it up

Porn is not realistic, it promotes misogyny and the idea that money can buy you anything. It gives you a false sense of fullfilment. I agree with people when they say that masturbation is natural and healthy, I wholly agree, but porn? No it is not. It's true that not everyone ends up being addicted but in my opinion there's no "right" dosage for porn. Sex is an important part of life and shouldn't be lived through a screen.

Like some other fapstronauts, I started out with "normal" porn and later got into things like "slap happy" porn, BDSM and piss drinking, things that I find repelling in real life. Fortunately, I quit soon after realizing what I was doing, although I do wish I found nofap before. I find it surprising that even though I thought porn had re-wired my brain and changed my taste,

I can say I'm back to "normal", or I should say maybe that I'm normal for the first time since I've been seeing porn for so many years. I no longer would stand the sight of women being humiliated, which is what 99% of porn is about. NoFap makes you realize how fucked up our society is, not just porn. Sex is truly the lowest common denominator and I think it's shameful that something so intimate has been made into the #1 tool of mind control.


Does NoFap eventually cure fetishes?

Being close to week 2, I'm finally starting to gain some clarity and get over the need for instant gratification from porn. Having been away from it for a bit now, I've realized that I wasn't just using vanilla porn to get off, but rather searching for newer novelties and more off color stuff to satisfy my urges. Looking back on it, I'm a bit disgusted by it, but also realize that it still turns me on, even though I don't want it to. I guess my question for those who have been at this longer than I have, is have you seen any improvements with weird fetishes? Part of me doesn't want to give them up, as I enjoy them, but at the same time I realize that they probably aren't normal

GUY 2)

Ever since I gave up porn at the beginning of September, the weird fetish stuff in porn I used to like hasn't even crossed my mind. If I ever think about sex, it's vanilla. I'm starting to think that I never really liked that stuff. I was just constantly beating it into my own brain that I started to think I liked it.

GUY 3)

Yes people do recover from having fetishes they are uncomfortable with although it may take a full 90-150 day reboot

GUY 4)

I'm by no means qualified to comment on this properly, but what I would say is I doubt if it's a real fetish that NoFap will remove it. I have the porn addiction but for me the whole 'more and more extreme' porn thing came in the form of scenarios like the Naughty America 'sports, school, affair' type stuff: I didn't enjoy the harder stuff really and bdsm or whatnot. I guess it depends what sort of fetish it is? I'd be interested to hear what happens also!

GUY 4)

I would say no. They never fully disappear (at least that's been my experience). But what does end up happening is you'll become so much more sensitive and easily turned on that just the touch of a woman or a kiss will get you super horny (hell, even seeing a pretty girl now can get me excited). I can totally relate to your last sentence though. I still do enjoy my fetishes even though I would never want anybody to know about them. I don't feel ashamed about them because I don't think they are morally objectionable, but I'm aware that some of them are far from the norm.

GUY 5)

In short, yes.

GUY 6)

While being more sensitive you are also already turnd on by small things so that you don't need "strong things" to make you turn on.

GUY 7)

Most of mine fetishes are still intact. Only the more extreme ones (the ones I was actively looking for when still on my 5x/day diët) have completely dissapeared now. I can only think:"oh god why?" when I think about these. I don't even get arroused by these anymore. I just stare outside my window and silently weep for all the poor souls that still fap to this.

GUY 8)

I think it's part of desensitization. Think back to when you first started and what got you going then (my first step up from clothing magazines was red shoe diaries on tv) and where you were when you decided it was enough. Sure, it's part taste but I feel there is something more and that abstaining definitely plays a part in a recurrence of sensitivity.

GUY 9)

I wouldn't think about it too much, just observe what happens. We all have our own tastes. YBOP videos made me think about this, the theory is that you move past the point where erotic imagery turns you on, so you need something shocking to get the dopamine surge.

GUY 10)

This would actually be interesting to hear about. I've got...well, some outlandish stuff that turns me on as well, that I could really do without...

Rock bottom. I don't know who I am anymore. (possible nsfw, triggers, etc) [mobile]

This might be long but I need to get this off my chest. I'm not the same person anymore. I started PMO when I was 12 to Internet porn. Did a lot of weird shit to myself sexually just to experience that feeling. I've always had one fetish my whole life but I soon found myself escalating to all kinds of fetishes, then submissive porn. Then somehow I stumbled upon shemale porn. I'll tell you guys how fucking crazy it is, I literally looked at that stuff with disgust about 5 years back, now it gets me off and I feel like I've fucking mutated. I remember the days lesbian/regular porn got me off, I remember when I had my first gf I actually loved(despite her being a not so nice person in the end) and the orgasms were out of this world. I was so happy then.

Now I've lived in this HOCD world for almost year. This has literally been the worst time in my life, I've been stuck here for so long I don't know who I am anymore. I remember i was watching a guy get pegged by this black chick, and then I stopped and said, "what the fuck am I looking at?" that's when the thoughts started happening I was alarmed and I wanted them out of my head, now they're the strongest they've ever been.

Every time I hang out with anyone that's a male my brain without fail will say, "oh he's so hot, dem lips, Dat body." the fucking hilarious part is, all guys look the same to me. It could be the oldest nastiest dude on earth, a fucking bum, and this happens. Ive tried to search for the attraction but it doesn't exist. I can't tell if I've done this so long that it's habit or not. This shit even happened to me with my cousin. I don't get it. I want my fucking life back, I loved my life before this bullshit. I can't even get hard thinking about women anymore. It doesn't make sense.

I found YBOP 7 months ago and I still have yet to try nofap. I admit that I'm a defeatist. I read something that's against the science of nofap and i instantly think, Welp guess I'm fucked for life with this shit. I dont think these types of thoughts are normal, mainly because I've never felt this way in my life regarding men, then I made the mistake of reading literally every psychological doc online and I basically believe that there is no possible way for a human to change, and all the things I read started happening to me. I hung around some gay friends last night and I was like, yeah I know I don't want that, but then instantly my brain thinks the opposite.

I went through a lot psychologically with women, I've been dumped secretly without me knowing, she made sure to post a pic of her and her ex making out to let me know, then I dated another girl who was hot as hell, and she dumped me while I puked over a toilet while proceeding to go upstairs and fuck her ex. Then I met this girl who I was madly in love with, the feelings were mutual and it was the first time I got to experience happiness with a girl, that shortly went to shit after 3 months and I stayed in it for a year until she broke it off. I was devastated, but I hooked up with a lot of girls at this time and my confidence was through the roof, then I got into a relationship with someone I was stoked on at first, then it just wasn't working out. I wasn't truly in love like i was before. I stayed in it anyway and we broke up after a year. Now my brain is fucked.

I want my life back, I want my attraction to women back, it's fucking crazy, even if this same thing was happening with girls, I wouldn't like it. My brain is like DO SOMETHING YOU DONT WANT TO DO ASSHOLE! Like I'm going to jump out of my skin. I feel like i cant be in public. I haven't tried anything bi or w/e because I know that's not who I am. Im not going to force myself to do something I don't want to do, even of my brain is telling me to do the opposite. It feels like my brain is misfiring.

I just remember, and I always think back to this because I can appreciate more now than ever, when I was 20 I had the best dream I ever had in my life. I married my high school crush and I remember we had a 5 year old daughter. They were literally at that point and time the most beautiful people I had ever seen in my life. Even as I type this I tear up because my wife and daughter were so pretty, and the look in their eyes when they both saw me was the most happy look. I miss those fucking days so goddamn much. I can see why this is happening, I put so much emphasis on trying to find a woman I never had time to focus on myself, but I honestly thought that was the goal of all men, gay and straight alike, were all trying to find someone to love in this shit hole called life.

I don't fucking know anymore, but what I do know is that it's time to give this a real try, and maybe get some therapy. Ive had enough! Its time to take my life back. I've read somewhere that you have to go through hell to ever get close to heaven. Well I'm gonna climb my way back out of this shit hole. We all have the ability to change right? Even now my brain is telling me I'll never be as happy as I was, it's funny really.

so what pushed you over the edge and made you say "no more"?

I'm in my 22nd day, I lurk a lot on nofap just to stay motivated. For me it was one saturday evening, I was holding my half hard dick in a grip for 2 hrs to some retarded tranny porn (I'm straight but hetero sex didn't do much for me anymore). My dick wouldn't even get hard and I was squeezing it so hard it hurt later for a long time.

I finally finished shooting few drops of semen and then it hit me. How much of a fucking low life have I become? Doing same thing every day for YEARS now, not socializing with anybody, without interest in anything, without any girl contact for almost 5 years. All I was interested in was to get to home, unzip and whack off until it was time to go to bed. I almost cried when I looked at myself and that was it, stayed in depression for a long time, I slept maybe 2hrs that night. No more.

What was your breaking point?



I'm done with porn!

I became addicted to porn. I watched so much porn that i eventually started watching transsexual porn because it was the only thing i could get off too. I experienced many of the negative effects of chronic masturbation, and now i don't want to beat off too porn anymore. I don't want to beat off period. I'm going to pursue a healthy relationship with a girl, but first i gotta stop fapping like a damn freak.

GUY 2)

I'm done with porn too. And believe me it doesn't stop with transsexual porn, eventually your mind and view of intercourse gets so distorted that you start to enjoy watching and getting off to stuff such as two girls one cup (scat), prego, gyno and all kinds of sick shit.

Anyone that does this. Please realize this is not your true self. Your brain is just so used to perversion that it got used to the dopamine and in order to reach high enough levels you need to get into deviant sick stuff. Get away from it, heal your self and your mind.


I remember when I watched soft-core for the first time. I was eleven years old. It was a Saturday (climax nights on Cinemax). I mean real soft-core. My dopamine went berserk. Like it never has again. Because that's the way chemicals work. Your first beer can get you to a level of tipsy you want to be in. But then the second time you need three. Then you up your tolerance to more. After that you start getting shitfaced with peers and even intoxicated. But it is a normal experience, although it can spiral out of control and therefore you have alcoholics. People that drink alone and get intoxicated in a daily basis.

It's the same with porn. I assure you that If I would've never watched porn again after that night at eleven years old, I could watch that same soft-core film today and be crazy high on dopamine. But it didn't stop there, after soft-core came hard-core after hard-core, came fetishes and in within those it got deviant. Until I realized it was a sick thing. It's a self-released gland produced drug. The Internet is an almost infinite free dealer of it. Get it?

To answer your question. If you stopped drinking alcohol today and drank alcohol in a year. Believe me, that alcohol will have a lot more effect on you than it would affect you today. So no your dopamine levels are not the ones that necessarily have to change, but rather your sensitivity towards dopamine will be higher. In other words you will not need porn because lower levels of dopamine will have a stronger effect on you.

So I continued masturbating because at least I was EVENTUALLY able to get an erection. This is where it gets weird. One day I was browsing through videos, trying to find a good scene to get me hard. I click on what seemed to be a girl-on-girl video, but soon found out that it was actually tranny porn. I was just about to exit out of it because I’m straight and it grossed me the hell out. The thing is, I got hard. This confused me so much, because the thought of tranny's before made me go soft. Now suddenly I'm going hard?I really started freaking out because I questioned whether or not I was really straight, and if the reason why I’m not getting hard anymore is because I’m not attracted to women. After googling this for about 2 hours, I found that a lot of straight men supposedly watch and masturbate to tranny porn. They also said this happened to them out of the blue. This made me feel a little better.

So what I started doing was I used the tranny porn to get me hard so I can move on to the heterosexual porn where I’d finish. Without realizing, I was soon even watching a bunch of other taboo or more extreme porn that I never would have even considered watching a couple of years ago. I started feeling disgusting after I was done masturbating because I couldn’t believe I let myself get to this point. I just couldn’t stop my self.

I NEED to quit porn. Chicago's Journal [Day 12]

The more porn I watch, the more I am bi-curious and into penis. As soon as I take a break from porn for a little I am back to being fully attracted to women and disinterested in bisexuality. Anyone else experience this?

Firstly, I am not here asking "Am I gay?" because that is stupid because sexuality is more than a light switch as I am sure you all know. Obviously some part of me is attracted to penises so I am a little bit gay, which who the hell cares anyway. For the record I identify as straight and have a girlfriend, if that means anything.

I have noticed however, when I am in phases of watching porn I am more attracted to penises. I say penises because I am not really attracted to males. I usually get into a lot of transexual porn the more porn I watch. Recently I have been watching too much of it, and got to a point where I started watching homosexual porn with feminine males (only once or twice).

I have gone through this cycle a few times. I will decide I have corrupted my mind and say no more porn. I usually feel a lot healthier and better and eventually have pretty much 100% heterosexual fantasies. My sex life with my girlfriend gets a lot better, etc. When I decide after a while that a little porn won't hurt, basic softcore porn of only women gets me hard as a rock.

Eventually I start watching more to the point where that doesn't really do anything for me and the whole snowball process happens again until I realize it's four in the morning and I have been jacking off for half an hour to transexual porn and fantasizing about hooking up with these women.

Obviously I know I should stop watching porn. I am much happier and my brain is more "natural" when I refrain from porn. It is, however pretty hard not to when I sleep with a laptop.

Anyway do any other people feel like this?

EDIT: I feel like this whole thing is wordy so I will try to make it clear.

No Porn: Purely heterosexual thoughts. Easily turned on by hot woman fully clothed.

Start Porn: Wow a girls boob I am rock hard. The cheesiest soft-core porn gets me going or my fantasies of women are enough.

Middle porn: Start watching transexual porn. The women are very feminine, but still obviously I am interested in the penis, although I would still be horny with straight porn. I just find this kinkier.

Heavy porn: Only transexual porn can turn me on. Also perhaps feminine homosexual porn (no muscular people or anything like that). Even fantasies about going to a glory hole to give oral.

Quit porn: Within a few days I still feel attracted to transexuals but less so as time passes. I am probably back to "normal" in 10 days or so.

And the cycle repeats.

Ok...So i'm trying to make sure I have this correct...

I'm 24 year old female who also happens to be a lesbian with HOCD...I have been watching porn since i was 12. I knew i was a lesbian since I was 6.I had a sexual fantasy and some way or another a males faces popped up in the fantasy and he was on top of me. Since then I have had HOCD severely to the point I cant function and do normal things that i used to before HOCD.

I watch porn daily and always have. My sex life with all my partners start out very intense for about 1 or 2 months and then my libido decreases significantly. When i watch porn I seem to get aroused by almost anything that triggers a sexual cue to me. It gets to the point where I no longer fantasize about the female I'm with because fantasy land feels so much better.

It's kind of like I get bored with the person I'm with within those couple of months that I resort back to fantasy because I can imagine anything I want. Also I can be away from my partner and fantasize about her, but when i'm around her it's like I no longer want to have sex or am aroused anymore..

So my question is....If i stop watching porn will a vast amount of my HOCD disappear? And will i gain back a great amount of arousal for her as i did from the start?

Bisexual, addicted to porn? Need advice?Okay so I'm 17 (male) and have a bunch of stuff I need to talk about. I'll mention two topics: porn first, then sexuality. Sorry for the walls of text, and you should probably prepare yourself for some graphic sexual fantasies near the end.. I just need to get all of this off my chest and get other peoples' opinions.

I know I have a porn addiction. When I was around the age of 10 my older cousin asked me if I'd ever seen porn - that was all he asked, he didn't explain it or show me it. I've always been pretty smart and observant, and I can still remember searching and finding porn for the first time (just because I'd heard the word and wanted to know what my cousin meant). Since this is around 7 years ago, my memory isn't the best, but I remember seeing BDSM (in particular a sexy brunette in a bondage scene lol..). Right now, I'm aroused by: straight, gay/lesbian and transsexual/shemale/cross-dress porn, ALL forms of BDSM, submission/domination, rough/rape scenarios, too many fetishes to count. There is definitely more that I just can't think of right now.

When I was 10, I saw BDSM and other hardcore porn and was obviously surprised, shocked and grossed out by it. So from a young age I just watched and masturbated to straight porn. But as I grew up, I masturbated more often, and the content gradually became more extreme. It's to the point where I'm turned on by all of the above, and masturbate every day, sometimes if I'm horny 2 or 3 times a day. This has never been a problem, and I've simply gotten the mentality that "all teenage guys wank heaps" (my friends do it just as much, if not more than me). But it's taking up heaps of my time, and I've started using porn as a distraction to avoid doing homework, study, and other stuff..

I want to become a lawyer, and grades are very important to me. So when it's late at night, I've just wanked for the second time and avoided doing any study, I get pissed off at myself. I've got over 35 GB's of downloaded porn, and a few months ago (during exams) I considered just deleting all of it, thinking it would be better for me in the long run. But I've got a massive internet and it would be incredibly easy to get it all back again. Plus, a part of me is fine with porn - even though I'm turned on by some messed up kinds of porn, I know that I would never act on anything that was wrong. I'm educated, ethical - I've learned about rape, domestic violence, etc in legal studies at school (in preparation for law degree), it ruins lives and is sickening and I would never participate in anything like it. And there is a big difference between being aroused by porn/fantasies, and actually doing the act itself.

I know I'm a good person, so porn itself isn't what bothers me - its the amount of time I waste watching it. I should be studying, exercising, improving myself as an individual - but instead I'm just impulsively watching porn every night and achieving nothing.Now the part that worries me more. The more diverse and extreme porn obviously has made me question my sexual orientation.

I've always been straight - but since the age of 15 I've been watching transsexual/shemale porn, having gay fantasies, etc. I don't really like gay porn videos (guys aren't really attractive in appearance to be honest), but I've read gay erotic stories and gotten off to that.

In terms of fantasies, there are two sides to it. With girls I'm dominant, and have fantasies of submissive girls (this is where BDSM, sub/dom straight porn comes in). Normal straight porn is awesome too, so is lesbian porn, and so is dominatrix even though I'm not really into it - basically, girls are just the sexiest things on this earth LOL. But with gay fantasies, I'm the submissive one in the feminine role. You could also say I'm rather sexually masochistic - for example I stumbled across prison rape stories months ago and realized that it turned me on to imagine myself as the person being raped/hurt.

I've fantasized about being blackmailed by strangers (sometimes friends as well) into giving them blowjobs, and then taken advantage of and getting gangbanged by groups of guys. This isn't normal, and it's the complete opposite of my other fantasies that I have with girls. I have had some of the most intense orgasms anally fingering/ beating off to gay fantasies, so I can't be straight. I have to be bisexual (or bi-curious, since I haven't actually had any sexual experiences with guys yet).

But the thing is, I'm only attracted to guys in a sexual/lustful way. I'm attracted to girls romantically (meaning I would date, marry, have children, and spend my life with them), and sexually (I want to have sex with them all the time :D). With guys, there is no romantic part. The idea of loving, dating and being in a relationship with a guy is just.. weird to me, I wouldn't be able to do it. I just get aroused by the idea of having sex with them.

On top of this, I have cross-dressing fantasies as well. But since I've never gotten my hands on girls clothes, I haven't tried it out. But the other day I watched a movie called "The Skin I Live In". Long story short, a guy gets kidnapped by a plastic surgeon who performs a sex change on him, locks him up and rapes him (well, her) whenever he wants. (Sounds horrible and sick, there's actually alot more to the movie and it is actually really good). But that entire idea turned me on. I've always wondered what it would be like to be a girl (sometimes wished, even). If I was a girl for a day I'd probably just be a complete slut (and a lesbian xD).

From all of this though, in real life I'm quite masculine and dominant. I'm average height, have a strong athletic body, lift weights, check girls out, talk about girls with my friends etc. I see my guy friends as brothers - I've known them since we were kids. There is no romantic thoughts towards any guys, and I don't fantasize about close friends because it's like fantasizing about brothers and is just weird. But I definitely have a feminine/ submissive side and I definitely have sexual fantasies of guys even though I wouldn't date them.  

Sorry for the walls of text. Mind you, I've had an amazing childhood and never been sexually abused AT ALL. So why I've had gay fantasies involving rough/mean/dominated sex is totally beyond me, and probably has something to do with the amount of porn I've seen since the age of 10. Or I'm just kinky as hell. Basically what I want to know is - do you think I'm definitely bisexual? Do you think I have a porn addiction that should be limited/ stopped? Do you think I'm aroused/ turned on by an unusual amount of sexual acts (is there even a word for that?) Thanks for anyone who has bothered to read this far and answers my questions and gives me their opinion. It really means alot, I've never mentioned any of this to anyone in my life.

Okay so I'm 17 (male) and have a bunch of stuff I need to talk about. I'll mention two topics: porn first, then sexuality. Sorry for the walls of text, and you should probably prepare yourself for some graphic sexual fantasies near the end.. I just need to get all of this off my chest and get other peoples' opinions.

I feel my old fetishes dying out

Anyone else feel part of their brain like decaying? Like the part with all those fetishes and stuff just going away? Used to think I was bi with a foot fetish at some it disgusts me (I'm straight and like girls not feet, no offense to anyone who has any other prefs)

GUY 2)

My escape was to go in my room, lock the door, and masturbate because it felt good. I'm tired of hearing, "you like what you like" from people on here. A lot of the things I look at I don't like, I just can't get off to the normal stuff anymore like I used to. Even foot fetish porn is hard. I suggest therapy to be honest, I know that when everything is said and done, I'll be better mentally. MY hope for nofap is to get more turned on by the subtle things a girl does and to drop porn all together. If you don't think it fucks you up, you haven't looked at it as much as me or some of the others on here. Like I said though, I've only ever had a foot fetish and I'd gladly go back to just that.

Tl;dr- My hope for no fap is to get all the wierd shit out of my life. I hope OP is right and there are others that can confirm this.

GUY 3)

welcome to the real world.

GUY 4)

My first wet dream was about my fetish, and I slowly am starting to forget about it. As in, I don't even think about porn anymore. It's nice to have a more clear mind and ability of focus on other things.

GUY 5)

You simply got those fetishes from watching porn, now when you are losing them, I promise you will have a better sex life cause you dont have those fetish expectations!

GUY 6)

For me, It comes and goes in phases. I've been into female wedgies, bondage, humiliation, enf shit since my sophomore year of high school, ruined a few relationships because of it. There are weeks where it doesn't even enter my mind, than all of a sudden it hits me harder than anything I've ever felt in my life. My fetish is one of the reasons I started No Fap. I've been doing this since about May or so with some good streaks and relapses in between. This far is the farthest I've gone (doing NoFap October) and I've been noticing my fetishes finally starting to subside in me.

GUY 7)

I'm not really sure if I had a fetish in the first place. I looked at weird weird shit when I was in fapmode, shit that I was fucking disgusted by after I watched it. I wouldn't call the things that we fap to a fetish, a fetish is something that we are aroused by in real life. And I can tell you, if something like those things I watched would happen in front of me I would leave the room. I realized those things I watched were only a side effect of my porn addiction. The brain always goes more extreme to get off. I won't go back to porn ever, because after my last attempt that last 38 days and after what I could get an o by watching "normal porn", it only needed 2 weeks of porn to be at the level of porn I was before starting nofap.

GUY 8)

My friend, I think you've hit on the reason why I've had so much trouble with relapsing. As Tony Robbins says, one of the strongest human drives is the drive to remain consistent with one's identity. I am quite afraid of certain things changing as a result of eliminating PMO. I am in a relationship which has fully embraced my fetishes, so now they are a part of the relationship. Over the years I have come to see myself as bisexual, and also hugely interested in cuckolding. Along with my regular routine of 4x Daily PMO, I would smoke weed and it would greatly enhance my experience. It also greatly enhanced all of the negative aspects of PMO, such as ED and PE. I had never connected the ED/PE with fapping or weed, and just thought that was a part of who I am, so that further reinforced my interest in cuckolding. I thought that "if I can't fully satisfy my woman, then she deserves to have another man satisfy her, and I love watching women get fucked so I can just watch her and her lover."..... Then I quit smoking weed exactly 90 days ago today because I developed a major allergy to it. After I quit smoking I immediately noticed that my dick worked better, I had a stronger sex drive, I was more focused and present with my woman, and my sexual interest in men and cuckolding went away.

Those fetishes have resurfaced, but they changed in a way that's hard to describe. But each time I've relapsed on nofap those fetishes have come back with full force. I have been thinking that my relapses were partly/mostly to bring back the familiarity and to remain consistent with my identity and the identity of the relationship. My woman has a side-boyfriend who she very much enjoys having sex with. I'm afraid that I could suddenly become so turned off by it that I'll want her to stop, and I don't want to ask her to stop doing something she likes.

GUY 9)

Everyone is different man, but I have to disagree. I know what I thought was hot 4 years ago vs now. I never thought I'd be getting off to girls pissing on each other etc. I hate poop and vomit with a passion, but I've even looked at that. Btw even something like that doesnt do it for me anymore. I believe as humans we can sexualize anything, but it has a lot to do with the past. I believe addressing these issues with someone and getting help, weakens certain things. When we're younger, all of us have fetishes to an extent, and those will probably stay with us for life, not the synthetic ones. Ive seen my ex pee before and it wasn't a turn on at all lol. Sexuality is tricky and I think we've only begun to start to look at the effects that Internet porn has on human beings. All of us are test subjects and from what I've read over and over, people are noticing changes. The problem seems to lie within porn, more so than masturbation. Not fapping however, might help weaken what you're brain finds to be rewarding.

Strange Fetish

I'm new here and just made a new account (for reasons soon to be understood). Let me start with a simple fact. I am a pedophile.

Now that I've weeded out the people that judge on a single fact let me explain. I'm not a child abuser. I don't molest kids. I don't ever, EVER want to. This is not something I'm proud of or something I advertise freely. I don't want to preach to you or try to change your views of the matter, I simply want help.

I have been trying to stop fapping for a few reasons and have found that as a result my 'urges' towards my fetish (for lack of a better word) have become less. My relationships with others have become more pronounced and my ability to communicate and identify with 'normal' people has grown so much and I've only just started. This may be the greatest thing to happen to me.

Which brings me to my question. Does anyone have any quick tips for someone with an unusual attunement? Did anyone here used to have an attraction to the out-of-the-ordinary and thus find it hard to avoid temptation? Please, someone, respond as this has become a serious addiction that is eating into my free time and preventing me from forming any lasting relationships. Please.

GUY 2)

Not gonna say I'm a pedophile,but I sure was into some 15+ bikini type jailbait - luckily I didn't know how to access the more fucked up stuff but since I'm 20 now I think that should be acceptable(or maybe I just ruined my nofap reputation :) ,anyway I was only fapping to it and I think that when you have this problem and stop watching porn you actually got rid of it since you said you never ever wanna "molest" anyone,and that means your only source has disappeared from your life. It's the same with porn,I doubt that you will be seeing naked women on the street

GUY 3)

First, are you sure you're a pedophile? A lot of people tend to assume that pedophilia means being attracted to anyone under age. It's actually being attracted to prepubescent children. There's also Hebephilia for ages 11 to 14 and Ephebophilia. I fall into the last category.

And second, when you're addicted to fapping [or anything else], you will do things that you wouldn't normally do to get your high. If it's a drug addict stealing money from his parents, an alcoholic driving drunk so she can go to another bar, or a fapstronaut looking at child porn to get off. Trust me, I've looked at porn [disclaimer: NOT child porn. I'm not advocating that.] that I'm wouldn't even actually aroused by in a normal situation. The taboo is powerful. And it makes the high of getting off better.

I'm still having a tough time not going back to my old porn habits. I don't think it was normal and I want to stop. But I'm thinking about it less. Even when I do slip up and fap, I watch "normal" porn. So that's even an improvement.

GUY 4)

We stand together at NoFap. We know you can beat it EricNigma, you have come to the right place. I speak from experience, experiences that are not too dissimilar from yours.

I started looking at porn when I was around 11 years old, the time I got my first computer, in my bedroom it was, little did I know then what a source of great trauma this computer would become.

It took a couple of years for me to become engrossed in pornography, once I was fluent on the Internet and my hormones started circulating it seams now inevitable. I was soon searching out of girls my age with little success, most of it was very young looking women along with 'normal porn. The thrill of watching something illegal and also in a way more familiar (being young also) to me brought a lethal shot of dopamine to my brain, forming extremely strong pleasure pathways.

The mixture of my age, excessive masturbation, young porn, regular porn, being very computer savvy and watching my peers have more success than me with girls I do not in anyway blame myself for what I looked for, I believe most people in my position would have done the same.

I am now free of my previous sexual deviance, I thank Nofap mostly, also getting caught once and subsequently having my life torn apart probably played a part, and having the cops clear scan my computers oh and practically EVERYONE found out and out of all the people I knew and loved no one talked to me about it, they all made they're minds up without involving me apart from one person, I will hold that person with the highest regard for the rest of my life, he thought independently, made his own decisions, he knew that in my heart of hearts I was not a pedophile and somehow I was a victim of circumstance, he was right.

This really deserves it's own post, I am also rambling a bit! The point I wanted to make it that from what you are saying, Eric, you are not a Pedophile in the traditional sense, you have just been seeking out a stronger high and this may have been then leaking into your day to day life. NoFap is a great place for you, you have been having success so far and this reinforces my belief in you, feel free to PM me if you would like to talk further.

To all of you reading Eric's post and looking down on him, remember, had you continued down the porn path, seeking stronger and stronger dopamine highs where would it have stopped, what if your circumstances made it easy for you, what if your life was painful and you needed some release. I count myself lucky, that period of my live is over now, gone forever.

Just to clarify, I am now completely straight. I focused mainly on Jail-bait in my later years and I have now given almost all porn up completely and I have no un-usual sexual preference anymore, I don't need a psychiatrist, although for many years in my life I really did, this whole thing could have been up a lot sooner.

Sorry I did'nt proof rear TL;DR I was one, now i'm not and 100% free of it, Eric needs help and support.

GUY 5)

I am/was also a pedophile and reading your post reminded me very much of how I used to be. I used to spend all my free time downloading and fapping to everything from teen models to hardcore CP. To make matters worse, I live alone in my apartment and I had anime body pillows of naked underage girls, girl panties of all sizes that I kept in my bed, and little girl bed sheets which forced me to think sexual thoughts about little girls every night even if I wasn't horny. At the worst of it I even felt like calling a therapist or calling my mom and admitting everything, at the cost of possibly being disowned.

I've been doing nofap for a few months now and my longest streak has been 56 days, and I want to tell you that things get better.

At first I just put away the pillow cases, bed sheets, and panties, disconnected my RAID array with terabytes of porn, and started nofap thinking it would be a fun test of self-control I might try for a week or two, and then go back to how I was before. After 2 weeks I wanted to go a month. And then after that I wanted to go the full 90 days. After 40 days I gained the strength to delete all my porn, and shortly after that I threw out the pillow cases, little girl bed sheets, and the 40+ panties.

I don't think nofap "cured" me of pedophilia, but I rarely have sexual thoughts about little girls any more. Instead I think more about what I can do to improve myself to attract girls my own age and eventually get a girlfriend, and this has resulted in many positive changes physically (weight-loss from healthy diet and regular exercise), socially (more confidence, more friends, easier to meet new people), and psychologically (no more self-disgust, instead I now have inner peace, higher baseline happiness, and of course self-respect).

This. Obviously throwaway — my first post on reddit, also my first online on this theme ever (I've been online for more than 15 years). I've missed this theme on reddit again and I'm late for broad audience, but I hope OP appreciate. (I am exactly on same boat.) Sorry for my English, guys.

For those who thinks „this“ is always about orientation — this is simply not true. Term „fetish“ describe it much, much better. In fact exclusivity here is very uncommon. Also, professional help is absolutely out of chance. Due strong taboo and very brutal witch hunting, it's out of any chance to talk about it openly in public even with my closest friends. I will rather discuss openly coprophilia or horse fucking (or both combined). 99 % of literature is from „professionals“ who are not in fact connected in any way and you always end up categorized like bag of meat (worst part being pedo, trust me) — plus psycho-analyzed in freudian way, which is pseudoscientific bullshit that only hurts and again — doesn't help you in any way. I'm strongly convinced that this is a fetish, which was somehow triggered and supported by my past behavior.

For those who think this is not for /r/nofap — oh men, it is! I stumbled upon /r/nofap and it actually wake me up from very bad and sad dream which I was in many years. There are lot of young nofappers who thinks that nofap will somehow help you losing virginity or whatever, but this is bullshit, I am sorry. To be honest, lot of content on /r/nofap these days is missing the point and it's sometimes quite funny. Masturbation to porn has very complex consequences and it can affect adult man practically in every aspect of man's every day life. It has nothing to do with getting laid, guys. It's about re/setting your brain.

I was practicing nofap and relapsed many times (few weeks was max), but I can very clearly remember realization, when I was on first weeks and also on weed. Weed is with combination with nofap second part of drastically realizing my state of mind, but this is another and part story (sometimes weed makes you very horny). It somehow triggered what I haven't encountered in more than twenty years — that horny „butterfly“ feeling in your stomach. You know what I mean? It leaded me to instant realization that in fact I want to fuck adult women in old animal way. Classic animal fucking with more human senses (smell, taste, touch, sweating). Joy of chasing woman, talking and seducing.

Nofap actually trigged my old animal behaviors and my pedo fetish is somewhat suppressed as OP is pointing out. Not completely, because I have never accomplished more than few weeks. I will probably never „cure“ myself completely (as any other addictions out there). But I am strongly convinced that because of masturbation to porn I have lost almost two decades of myself.

There is noting like predefined soul. Some „cloud“ floating inside of you. You are formed of „food“ feeding your brain. Brain is phenomenal thing which can be hacked and exploited in many ways. If you are feeding your brain with porn you are practically nobody.

This is the story of my life.

I was a kid before the internet was really in wide use. I used to use BBSes and I'd download all kinds of stuff. That's how I got shareware Doom when it first came out. And before that, Wolfenstein 3D.

I befriended one of the local BBS sysops in my area. And a short while after doing so, he "accidentally" gave me access to the adult file areas. I can still remember that first image. A brunette with curly hair and a giant bush, sitting on a stool, giving that "come hither" stare. This was miles beyond looking at the lingerie section of my mom's Sears catalog. I was hooked.

Over the next few years, I downloaded more and more images. Slowly but surely, I began enjoying images of sex acts rather than just nude women. And pretty soon, I couldn't even get hard unless I saw a woman getting railed or some dude nutting on her face. All this before I was even out of high school.

I was one of the first folks in our town to get dial-up internet access. Back then, browsers were clunky and crashed often. And using them on a 14.4k dial up connection was painful at best. But this opened up a whole world of porn for me. I'd download images from all sorts of niches from Usenet. And, once again, I "leveled up." I couldn't get hard unless I saw some chick getting gang banged and even the solo shots had to be gynecological in nature before they'd even interest me in the slightest.

I went off to college. High speed internet meant I didn't sleep at night. Downloading porn. Now, I could watch videos and put real action and voices to the objects of my desire.

And at this point, my interests took a deviant turn. I couldn't get off unless I saw a girl being humiliated. And I became obsessed with seeing women getting ****fucked. Anal sex was now my obsession.

And what a niche it was. Gaping. Large insertions. Anal creampies. And every time I saw some girl getting it in the ass, I'd always watch for that telling look of pain on her face. I don't care how good an actress a porn starlet is - if it hurts, she's gonna show it, at least subtly. And these little moments got me off harder than anything I'd ever seen.

It was at this time that I decided that my obsession was getting unhealthy. I went out more. Even got a girlfriend. But my sexual deviance meant I wanted all kinds of stuff a college freshman girl didn't even know existed. Yet I took great pleasure in "corrupting" this innocence.

Was I wrong for making her let me watch her shit? Getting head on the toilet? Urinating on her in the shower? ****king her ass and making her suck me off afterward? I think most people would say yes.

I guess the final straw for her was when I put her in a bathtub full of water and made her give me head. I'd push her under and **** her mouth until she'd start panicking. And I'd just wait a few seconds more. I got off, but she left me.

Today, many years later, my sexual deviance knows few bounds. Scat. Hardcore bondage. Torture porn. So-called "painal."

And I guess the thing that scares me most is I'm starting to enjoy gore. Sexually.

That's the problem with porn, you could end up getting into some ridiculously kinky stuff that you wouldn't have even thought about if you had never watched porn, it can turn into an obsession and like you said some guys can't get it up with a regular picture of a nude chick which can have pretty bad consequences in their real sexual encounters.

How do you break the 'link' with certain types of porn?

I'd like to start this with a Disclaimer: I am not some basement dwelling pervert, or some women hating psycho; I have a large number of very good female friends, am in a relationship and enjoy making girls happy.

However, I also sometimes look at very graphic and bloody porn online - such as stories and drawings/comics depicting women being raped or murdered - and often get a titillating rush from seeing it. Afterwords though I feel an intense wall of guilt and shame, which I hate. I hate even more the fact that these images get seared into my head which can make talking to a girl/ girlfriend a really unpleasant experience.

The question I have is how do I break this link with this more violent porn? I know the obvious answer is simply to go cold turkey, but more often than not, the fact that I'm living on my own and in a high stress school leads me back to the porn I've mentioned looking for that 'rush'. I need to find a way of changing my mentality, but I'm not sure how to get there. Any help would be greatly appreciated.


I think can relate in some sort of way. I mean I was a little different, I didn't look at that kind of porn but when I used used porn heavily (I still relapse but its much less frequent) I became extremely desensitised to violence. I frequented places like /r/gore or /r/morbidreality and wouldn't bat an eyelid. I think because I looked at porn so much, I lost a sense of novelty factor. Heavy porn use even changed what porn I liked over time to stuff I see now as sick. Which kinda reminds me of a rage comic I saw a couple weeks ago on here

Now that I dont look at porn nearly as much, I cant bear to look at anything like that. And I think you might have the same thing I did. Lack of novelty factor. What I suggest you do is stay away from your computer for a while. It's hard I know. I personally tried studying in the public or school library instead of at home. It's so easy let your mind wonder and watch porn on the internet whilst studying. Also try and stick around with other people as much as possible. It may be hard when your trying to study but honestly I found that if I spent more time with friends and family and less time studying with porn, I procrastinated a lot less and got the job done a lot quicker. Once you get away from that away from the stuff your looking at for a while, your mind kinda resets itself a bit and if you relapse much simpler porn becomes more intersting again. Good luck to you

29 y/o with 17 years of MO (to softcore and imagination) and 12 years of PMO escalating to extreme/fetish porn. I started to loose interest to real sex. I felt that build up and release from porn was always stronger than it was from sex. Porn offers unlimited variety, i could choose what i want to see on that minute.

My delayed ejaculation became bad and sometimes i couldn't orgasm at all. This killed my last desires to have sex.

Eventually my porn addiction was so bad that i wanted to stop. I had watched several hours of porn, orgasmed few times and still felt that i need more. I knew that i had problem and typed "porn addiction" to google and read stories and wanted to start PMO abstaining. I relapsed many times but it was working.

At day 70 (no porn, edging, masturbation or sex) of this NoFap streak i felt that i was physically recovered and i know that i could have sex now with good success. I believe that my struggle with desires to watch porn will continue because i have long history of porn use but i'm determined to keep myself away from porn.

Your brain rewires itself to increase dopamine releases. Sexual orientation is defined as what the brain seeks, and responds to. Addicted fappers are autosexuals and not heterosexuals/homosexuals. Discuss.