[Excerpts from 5 years of a recovery journey]
I am attracted to beautiful, powerful and (little) dominant women. I have been attracted to these type of women for as long as I can remember. In my childhood I had a crush on older girls from primary school. Later I was intrigued by Queen Cleopatra or the beautiful rich girl in a TV show. Even now when I watch Game of Thrones I am stunned by Daenerys’ appearance. Maybe I was born with this preference, maybe it’s because I was raised my by mom most of my life, and I consider her as ‘the head of the house’. Maybe it’s a little of both, I don’t know for sure. What I do know that this preference isn’t porn-induced, because I was attracted to these types long before I was introduced to porn. I remember fantasizing about these women, worshiping them, not in a submissive way, but by love.
In high school I started to jerk of to massage tutorials on YouTube, that’s where it all started. Soon I found out that there was ‘soft-erotic femdom content’ on YouTube as well, and after a while I found out that the internet was full of it. At the age of 15, I was jerking off to hardcore humiliation femdom content daily. The content I was watching was predominantly foot fetish, but it also contained things like: humiliation, CBT, cuckold, forced-bi, chastity, and servitude. These self-proclaimed ‘princesses’ or ‘goddesses’ talk shit about the male actor participating. ‘’You are worthless’’ ‘’You don’t deserve a woman like me’’ ‘’The only thing you are allowed to do is to kiss my ****’’ ‘’You will never get a girl, you will always be a slave’’. And I was always imagining that the male actor was me.
To give you guys a good perspective. At the age of 16 I was a pretty confident guy. I was a school athlete, lean, popular, had a lot of friends, girls admired me and fought over me, and I had a lot of self-confidence because of that. But I believed watching these kinds of videos on a daily basis had a significant impact on my mind. Because at the age of 21, the things being said in these videos, was the image I had of myself. I don’t say this is the only reason why my self-confidence has decayed. In one of the topic’s above I write about my ex-girlfriend having a possible impact on my confidence.
Now it’s time to regain that confidence again, because my self-worth is still very low. I don’t ‘like’ hot girls on Tinder, because I feel like I don’t deserve them, that I am not worthy of them. I try to regain confidence by getting good at stuff. I am making quite good progress in: running, lifting, archery, reading books, and marketing. But I don’t feel like it helps my self-confidence. I have recently gotten a gift from a stranger of this forum. He gave me the ‘Self Authoring Program’ from Jordan Peterson. I must say that helps me a lot to find out about the problems in my daily life and to reflect on them. But, I feel like I need to do more. Maybe I should try hypnosis? Or affirmations? Or should I study these so-called pickup artists? If you guys have any suggestions, please send me a private message. Thanks for reading.
A gentleman, or submissive?
Long story short, I was raised to treat women with respect. I can’t even imagine what it is like to use violence against a woman. And while being in my first few relationships with girls, I always was very polite, gentle and romantic. I was the guy that surprised his girlfriend with gifts, picked her up on Valentine’s Day to spend the entire day together, wanted to open the door for her, and called her at night when she couldn’t sleep. That part of me was what girls liked, I am sure of that. Even I like that part about me. But now, all I want is to be someone’s ‘slave’ or ‘sub’.
Years of watching femdom porn and masturbation to it, destroyed not only my confidence with girls, but the way I look at them. I have put them on a pedestal, and the only way I can get there is to submit to her. Obviously, it is exactly the opposite.
I believe that at some point in life, I misunderstood being a gentleman with being submissive. Maybe, femdom porn is to blame, maybe my ex-girlfriend is to blame, maybe the way I was raised is to blame. But there is only one person that’s fully guilty of this: me. I want to be a gentleman again, and I know I can, because I’ve been one before. But where do I start? My NoFap journey and my faith really helps to ban perversion from my life, but the perversion does not go away so easy and quick.
And now…
It has been almost a year since I last visited this place. And I had good reasons for it; I was okay. More than okay, to be honest. As I was fighting my way towards the light, I found her. We started talking, I liked her, and she liked me back. So we started dating, and months after that, I asked her to be my girlfriend, and she said yes.
Sex was a problem at first, of course, but by taking it slowly, I regained my sexual confidence again. No unhealthy stimulation was needed anymore. One year ago, I said this:
Now, I can confidently say I did reclaim it. Besides that, life is going well. I have finally found a house for myself, I am accelerating in my job, and I found peace in my head. So why are you back? You might ask yourself.
I have been corn-free for a very long time, but the problem is AI. At first, it started with writing fantasies, but there was always some censorship. Now AI can write whatever the f**k you want, and worse of all, also in images and videos.
You might ask yourself, what is wrong with that as a substitution for corn once in a while? Well, it is getting problematic. There are days when I do it right after I get home from work, and even days when I start with it when I wake up. I think about it when I am at work and check the page where I post this filth when I go to the toilet. This has to stop.
I took the necessary steps to not fall back; I even deleted my entire Google account to start fresh. The thing is, I can fulfill my sexual needs with my girlfriend, so why even do it? Curiosity? Lust? Or is it my old friend the devil again, luring me into a newfound trap? I don’t care. It has to stop.
For her.
Reflections
I rebuilt myself from nothing into the man I am now. Eight years. Eight years of falling and getting back up.
When I close my eyes, I can still feel it all.
The shock of a cold shower at 5 a.m.
The thoughts that carried me through brutal runs.
The study sessions after days of exhausting physical labor.
Did I always succeed? No.
Was it worth it? Yes.
Because in the end, I survived not because I never fell, but because I never stayed down. Even when I fell so hard I could barely stand, I found the strength to move forward again.
That became my survival mechanism.
Stagnation is no longer just a mental allergy; it is wired into my nervous system. Fighting saved my life.
But fighting is not the destination.
That is why calm unsettles me.
Why stability sometimes feels empty.
Why peace can make me restless.
I am here to become a man who can carry intensity without chaos, meaning without war, and desire without escape.
So this is where I am.