Tebax 29 - I’m a musician in my late twenties, and I have had a problems with my sex life ever since i can remember. Firstly, I have never had a real girlfriend, so you can also tell that I have not developed a healthy sexuality either. I have been masturbating more or less regularly since the age of thirteen, and while most of the time I didn’t do it but maybe 1-3 times a week, there has been times when it was daily and even multiple times a day.
Gava ku ez di temenê 23 de bûm bûyerê min yê cinsî bûm, û piştî ku min bi têkiliyên cinsî yên ku di şevê de ji şevê demek kurt ve derbas bûne mecbûr bûbû. Bi taybetî di destpêka min de ez bi keçikek li ser keçan pêşxistin, lê piştî çend têkçûnan min hîn nekir ku ez hest dikim û hestên xwe fîzîkî ye. Min dît ku ez ji bo min zehmet e dijwar bû û bi gelemperî tenê piştî demek dirêj bû ku ez dikarim organîzmê bikim, heke heke. Piştî demekê de min li ser orgasan dan û tenê li ser jinan. Wekî ku hûn dikarin bifikirin, piştî demeke paşîn bêdeng digerin, û pevçûnê paşê piştî din din kêm û jêrîn.
Li ber 2 li nêzî min dest pê kir ku ez pirsgirêka min heye, û dest bi lêgerînê dixwest ku hewldana ku ez bi tiştek xerab e ku bibîne. Min ew zehmet dît ku hestiyên jinan bi pêşveçûnê, û min ji ber sedemek winda bûm û ez hest dikim û li ser karker û hestiyar gelek giran kir. Ez hê jî di rojan de derbas bû, û her weha bi jinên 6 re têkiliyek bi jina qenc re hebû, lê ew jî dihêle ku ew mîna dostaniya dostaniyek hestiyar bû.
Yeardî sala borî min hema hema bi tevahî dev ji vexwarinê berda, û min dest bi xebatê bi rêkûpêk kir û ketim nav meditation & hunerên leşkerî. Zû zû bes min dest bi hin cûre dîtinên li ser xwe û hestên nû kir, û min fam kir ku ew dibe ku porno ye ku ji bo min pirsgirêka sereke ye. Min hewl da ku wê dev ji meh berê berde lê her gav piştî hefteyekê lê vegeriyam, ji ber ku ez bi rastî bêriya wê para dopamînan dikir. Lê di heman demê de ez diçûm pornoya nermalavê, ji ber ku tiştên hişk ên ku min temaşe dikir ji min nefret dikir. Dûv re min bîra malpera YBOP-ê anî û ji wir ez çûm nav vê malperê. I divê ez ji te re bibêjim, her tiştê li ser vê malperê bi rastî ji min re watedar e.
Min dev ji porno berda 4 hefte berê, û ji hingê ve li paş xwe mêze nekiriye. Van hefteyan ji min re hîna jî dijwar bû, ji ber ku bandorên vekişînê pir in! Heya nuha bêxewî, gogên şîn, penîs êşiyam, hewesa zêdekirina pee û hewaya giran heye. Di heman demê de carinan ez hest dikim ku ew qas qurofî ye û ez nizanim li ser vê yekê çi bikim! Ew ji bo min nû ye, wekî berê min ew hest bi MOing ve girêda - naha ez li ser jinek zindî ya rastîn difikirim. Ez tenê bi fikirîna li ser keçika ku ez dixwazim şiyar bûm! Di heman demê de, min ne xwestiye ku li her porno temaşe bikim, û heke min bi bêhemdî wêneyek tazî dîtiye, min hewes neda MO. Daristanên min ên sibehê vegeriyan û ew girseyî ne. 😀 Bi qasî ku ew ji bo min hema hema pirsgirêkek bû.
Min di heman demê de vê dawiyê keçek ku ez xuya dikim jê hez dikim nas kir. Me hîn cinsî nekiriye an jî pir zêde qala wê nekiriye, lê wusa dixuye ku ez kêfa kêfa min ji nêzîkbûna wê re tê, û dema ku ez wê digirîm an pê re dans dikim enerjiya wê hîs dikim. Moodswings û bêxewiya min her çend dibe sedema pirsgirêkekê, ji ber ku ew carinan min qeşeng, bêsebir û hwd. The dema ku ez bi wî re di çamûrê de radizam, min şevê lanet kirî zor û zehmet bû - lê zêdebûna dijwariya xewa min 
Ez hêvî dikim ku ev dê hêsantir bibe û ku ew ji ber van min darizîne, ji ber ku cara yekem piştî demek dirêj ez dixwazim herim têkiliyek rastîn. Ez xwe xirab dibînim ku min nekaribû berê porn ji jiyana xwe qut bikim, lê ez hewl didim ku bextewar bim ku di dawiyê de min kir!
The blue ball -effect is horrible, feels like the whole organ is about to explode. Luckily it isn’t there every night anymore. Seems like my body is readjusting judging from the increased need o urinate, and i think the consistency of the urine is also a bit different from before. Very intriquing journey to say at least!
Weed smoking + melatonin seems to help with the insomnia, but then again it also raises the libido so I don’t know if it a good idea right now. Even though, now when I feel it, I do not project my thoughts to porn anymore, but more to real women that i like.
I find it interesting though, that before when i tried to quit, i had high urge to MO almost every day but now it’s like it’s disappeared totally? I don’t know what happened?
August 30
this girl is moving this weekend. After our last meeting few days ago we haven’t communicated much and i feel she is taking a distance so i’m giving her space now, even though i have to admit it would like to have some closeness now.
Still i’m kinda enjoying the fact that i’m having feelings – makes me feel alive.
No morning wood , no blue balls or any sexual cravings today.
August 31
Moodswings are radical. Yesterday I was feeling very good again after about two days of feeling unconfident and anxious. Flatline continues. Otherwise the same.
September 6
I’ve now gotten back my sex life, and had another successfull coitus (100% success rate this year).
I still feel like all that cuddling, touching etc is actually nicer than the actual intercourse. Just feels great to have a woman admiring your body and being all over you 🙂
Feels like I have conquered this dragon. Even though I have been reintroduced into a sexlife, I have managed to control my sexdrive. There has not been any noticeable chaser effects after my O’s, and there’s no interested in self-MO at all. On the other hand (lol) my sex drive itself is rather low and I don’t have much interest in the female counterpart. Instead of chasing the P, I have been focusing a lot on self-improvement. I’ve been working fervently on my martial arts (even attempting 4. kyu at ju jutsu this weekend) and music on my limited spare time, and there’s not many days in a month when I’m not either at the dojo, gym or studio. I have no interest in getting drunk or partying late, as I rather go to sleep early to wake up more refreshed!
I feel like the female isn’t as “frightening” as it was before, and I don’t feel like I need a drink to be able to function with them. Seems like on some days I’m very attractive to the women in general, but there are still days when it’s the opposite. Very rarely do I feel depressed, anxious or lonely anymore.
So, to summarize – I feel like this reboot program was a great jump start to conquering the mind. After conquering the dragon of porn addiction, other addictions seem much easier to tackle. I believe the aim is to conquer the mind and the five senses, ie. crucifying the senses so that they won’t be leading me astray, but they would be under the control of the mind working FOR me and not against me anymore. Being addicted to porn links many senses – the touch, the sight, the hearing and also the mind. Controlling the sense of taste means to keep a proper diet and not eat harmful stuff etc. Sure there are more levels to this, like integrity and charitability, but this is a good place to climb up.
LINK - Re: Quest continues!
by questforself
EARLIER COMMENT FROM SAME THREAD
I started a new journal last autumn since I hadn’t gotten rid of the original problem which was the DE, and I did go back to PMOing occasionally for almost a year before last october I decided to let it go permanently. Since then, I haven’t had any urges watch P or MO, and I don’t seem to connect horniness with touching my penis anymore. Seems like a good place to be!
Well, on new years eve I had my tantric partner with me (with whom I hadn’t had sex yet at that point) and on the first day of this year our tantric practises went to the point in which we had to decide whether we would like to go ‘all the way’. Well, eventually we did. And it was a success from the beginning until the end. I didn’t have any ED problems, and I managed to get my first “unforced” orgasm ever – after only about 15minutes of penetrational sex!
So, I got my first natural orgasm ever even though that was not the plan. Surprisingly, it wasn’t strong, especially when compared to some of the most intense PMOs I had years ago, but still a progress. It gave me tons of esteem, since now I know I can do it if necessary, and I could probably even reproduce if I ever wanted that.
Even though this is just a beginning of a new pathway, I still consider it a success! This programme works, people!
I’m still working those two dead-end jobs, but earning a nice buck. Been investing in my hobbies and some clothes and even managed to save up some. I finished the album I was working on, and it should be released next month, kinda cool! Lots and lots of ideas poppin’ into my head, so I feel like I have unlocked my creativity finally! I’m already thinking about producing another one lol and shooting some music videos on my trusty super8 film camera.
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Day 28 – A week has passed since my last update with a major flatline. Generally very low mood, feeling quite asexual and even entertaining an idea of becoming a monk (i do practise zen and martial arts, although haven’t been to the dojo all summer until yesterday). Loss of motivation for almost anything other than eating, although i’ve forced myself to start the physical exercises again (jogging, gym & martial arts) which does improve my mood momentarily after workout. Had one or two better days this week but heck this is getting frustrating. Drank maybe one beer and smoked two puffs of weed all week. Basically haven’t kept contact with women this week except some random flirting with random women at malls etc. Feeling like this girl i talked about is slipping away from me but i’m not even interested (or even able to in this mood) to do anything about it now.
On the other hand, the insomnia seems to be cured, although i still like to take 5mg of melatonin almost every night before going to sleep.
September 13
Day 35 – That relationship is now out of the picture as she decided she does not want a relationship in her current life situation. Of course I felt a bit sad, but accepted it and let her go. Two days After that I went clubbing, got a lot of attention from young women, but none of them REALLY appealed to me. Ended up kissing with one of them tho but decided to leave it to that. Next morning i was feeling very tense ‘downstairs’ so i decided that too much is too much, and checked some nude stills and ended up MO. It helped and I didn’t feel bad or disgusted afterwards.
On the other hand i feel a bit disappointed that i failed in keeping strictly no PMO but my overall feeling is good. The sensitivity had risen and the soft core stills were enough stimulation. Almost like being a teenager again! I’m going to continue without P or PMO again as I noticed it has a positive effect on me. Maybe next time that I meet someone, I will be ready instead of an emotional rollercoaster ride.
September 18
I’ll drop even the stills for now. I feel like it would be a good idea to limit my facebook usage to minimum as well and spend the time on meditation or something creative. One of my problems lately has been too much work and not enough sleep. I notice that when i’m tired I get depressed more easily and it’s more difficult to ‘fight’ the negative thoughts. I also don’t have energy to interact with people so it’s a double negative. We will soon have a break from touring which means I will have more free time. I’m planning on using it to sleeping and resting for first few days. I’ve met another girl recently whom I seem to fancy, but this time i’m taking things slooow. So far we have only talked, cuddled a bit with some light touching. I kinda like it though as my skin is very sensitive!
September 23
Day 7- Feeling better. Still very tired and lathergic usually, but i guess it has more to do with not getting enough and regular sleep. Today I decided not to do anything, hanged out with a female friend and my roommates, enjoyed a long jacuzzi session, good foor and couple of beers. At the end I was very relaxed and got horny, so I decided to M without P. Managed to get my first O without P since my teenage years I guess!
I’m still going to keep even the MO w/o P to minimum, but I see this as a progress! As a single man I have to allow myself some pleasure at some time. Altghough I believe it is not far away that I could actually be having more physical relationships with women in the future. Got my first booty call in ages although I couldn’t answer it this time 8) So i guess something has changed after 1,5months of rebooting. In any case, i think i have had three orgasm in that time – all of them without much/any visual stimulation. Quite an accomplishment!
October 14
Just dropping by to let ya’ll know I’m doing fine! I’m now on day 33 on my 2nd attempt on noPMO program and day 22 on my noMO set.
Noticed an long awaited increase in motivation in life & career, usually better mood, healthier sex drive which is no longer directed at P and MO but rather to real women. Although I haven’t pursued any relationships or sex in these past 4 weeks at all, and therefore do not have GF or any sex/cuddlebuddies either. I’ve been directing my sexual energy towards creativity and exercixe – and on both fields I’m thriving!
So everything is ok, I’m just spending more time on yourbrainrebalanced.com which is more about my issues for now. I’ll check in here also to let ya’ll know of any significant changes. Haven’t had any noticeable urges to MO or even watch P since my last relapse and it is good. Feels like my brain is rewiring itself finally!
So, stay strong my brothers and sisters. If you have an addiction, you can beat it by having great discipline and good motivation. The rewards are plenty if you just keep at it. JUST DO IT!
December 2
I did relapse again 2 weeks ago after having a girl over and still suffered from DE which lead me to PMO after she left to ease my painful blue balls, but been back on track ever since. I have made myself a weekly schedule that I try to follow adamantly, and also decided a new diet for me. My goal is to leave non-organic food off my diet, including meat, although I do allow myself to eat meat/fish every now and then (though if it’s up to me, i will go for organic). I will increase raw vegan ingredients to my regime, and I plan to be eating mostly raw vegan eventually- In winter (now) though I have to add one warm meal to my diet.
I dedicate most of my free time to my hobbies: martial arts and music. If I’m not practising them, I’m probably learning and studying about spirituality and problems/solutions to current world problems hoping to (hopefully sooner than later) be able to actually do something real to help. Maybe by joining some program?
I have noticed a change in my perception – now I’m starting to feel like I can focus on other stuff instead of my own problems. Even though I haven’t found myself a good mate (those that I mentioned earlier turned out to be flaky) I don’t worry about it. I don’t feel alone, nor do I crave for companion at this time. I believe that this nofap has helped me to overcome my perceived loneliness.
December 4
It seems like it’s pretty much the norm in here to go to sex pretty fast after ‘hitting it off’ so it would require a paradigm shift and strenght from me. And also belief in that this girl is someone I want to spend more time with. I’m quite picky after all with the company I keep.
February 20
I went for 90 days straight of no P, M or O.
Most notable changes that have happened during this time:
– No sexual thoughts or mental images fill my mind anymore
– My view about sex and life have changed
– Less severe mood swings
– Increased overall happiness
– Increased excitement about life
– Increased energy
– Increased spiritual awareness
– I have become vegetarian
– I do not think anymore that a partner is necessary to enjoy life properly
I feel like I want to continue my abstinence for now, as I have been enjoying these benefits greatly. I joined the NoFap2013 challenge, but I’ve decided to abstain from sex as well unless I find someone that makes me feel it properly! Although, at least for now I’m probably too busy to really meet anyone as I feel like there so much to do, and I feel like I need to make up for the time I have wasted during the PMO days.
Xemgîniyek mezin dibe!
LINK to BLOG
by questforself
FOLLOW UP POST [AT AGE 31]