One of the lowest points in my life was getting annoyed at my kids when they interrupted me during an edging session. Of course they did not know. But I knew.
Like everyone, I desperately wanted to quit. I wanted my self respect back. But, once gripped with the urge, it was almost impossible to stop.
I am here to tell you that the word “almost” is the gap. And that it is much easier to quit than one may realise. It comes down to a mind shift.
So, I’ll write down here in a short essay my personal lived experience, in case anyone else finds this useful. I found that I quit, after many years, in 1 week, with no “white knuckling”. I will however give two caveats. There were indeed “urges”, but I have found that this state is qualitatively different to “white knuckling”. The second caveat is that I needed positive reinforcement over my flatline period, which lasted around 3 months.
There are essentially four parts to how I beat porn, and I believe you can too.
1. Realise that it is indeed possible to quit on your own. Note, I am not saying that one should not use support. Support often will be necessary. The principle though is that you can, with internal control, quit.
2. Realise that you are a free agent. In short, if you have decided to quit, then you have made the decision.
3. Realise that you will have internal resistance. This is key, ANY INTERNAL THOUGHT, URGE, MENTAL IMAGE, or NARRATIVE that can in any way run counter to your decision to quit, is to be assigned to a part of you that means you harm. Call this other part “IT”.
The above is important. That part, “IT” is out for “ITs fix”. “You” on the other hand say no. The key to noticing this is to realise that “IT” often employs the personal pronoun “I”. For example “I am unable to quit”. I have assigned that phrase to “IT”. In short, “IT is unable to quit”. I believe recognition is 80% of the battle. With recognition, one can ruthlessly kill the unwanted thoughts at source. Think of it as similar to walking past a delicious pastry in a bakery. A part of you wants to grab it an eat on the spot. “IT” wants its fix there and then. But “You” don’t do it. You internally regulate and either pick it up and pay for it, or, you just say no and move on. Same with porn.
The distinction between “white knuckling” and “urges” emerged from the above exercise. I found that my body and mind would send mental images of want. But, once I affirmed my decision (I never use porn), and saying no to “IT”, I was completely fine. In the past I would have been straining at the leash, ie. “white knuckling”. I believe the latter is simply a case of negotiating with oneself (or “IT”). A task you will fail, since “IT” knows you very well. Hence, why streaks never worked for me in the long run.
This is also where I learned that the reason I used porn, even though I wanted to stop, was actually very simple. Porn is enjoyable. It is as simple as that. I did not like learning this fact, but, every rationalisation I used about why I used, boiled down to that I enjoyed it. But, like with a pastry, I just say no. Unlike a pastry, which is a treat I may get myself, porn is not a treat and I am never going back. Life is so much better now.
4. Realise that you need reinforcement. It was almost daily reminders of my decision, and recognition. Think of it as getting in repetitions in weight training. The more you do it, the better you get at it. This is not as arduous as one may think, at least it wasn’t for me. Do I occasionally get urges, yes, but, the thoughts are now less that a nuisance and are easy to swat away.
I hope the above was informative, and maybe for someone, help them quit porn indefinitely.
Of course, I can write much more, as there are certainly things to look out for. But, overall, I think the above can be systemised and taught to help people get over porn addition.
(Disclaimer, English is not my first language)