I’m new to this group and to reddit but I wanted to tell you all about me and my story. I have been watching porn since I was 11/12 years old and I have always viewed myself as a casual watcher. I never saw porn as anything but a normal thing that men and boys watch regularly.
My fiancé and I have been together for 6 years and I came clean to her about my entire porn watching history on July 2nd of this year. She has made it very clear from day 1 her stance with porn and how she views it and I betrayed her. I lied to her in December of last year that I had only watched it a few times and that I would never watch it again. A few months go by and I had been porn free, but my brain was still getting substitutes via thirst taps which meant I wasn’t totally clean.
We had our second daughter in March of this year and we had moved into a new apartment shortly after. My first relapse into porn was in April, a month after my daughter was born and I was sick with myself. I told myself I don’t need to tell my fiancé, that I can stop and it won’t be an issue. Fast forward that same thinking each time I relapsed until June 24th, where I came back to bed sobbing and hated myself deeply. I hated porn. I hated masturbating. I hate that I feel assaulted by myself because I don’t want this.
I officially came clean and obviously my fiancé is devastated. How could I be looking at other women besides her? How could I be choosing their lustiness over hers? It doesn’t make sense. She told me I had an addiction and that I needed to go to therapy along with learning more about my addiction. In that moment I agreed to appease her because I didn’t believe I had an addiction and that I could fight it myself.
That was until we ordered a book called, “Your Brain on Porn”, and my whole perception on porn changed. I do have an addiction, and I’ve done everything to distance myself from that addiction. I no longer have social media, we have blockers on our devices as well as things that I don’t know about that can track data through those devices. This reddit account is ran through my fiancés phone.
As of now I am 169 days clean. I’ve learned that my urges are not horniness, but anxiety. Anytime I get this feeling I am open with her and I instantly feel better. I am no longer in my cycle of shame and guilt. I feel free.
Source: My recovery journey