Day 73
I can’t seem to appreciate how beautiful my wife is until I’ve detoxed from porn several weeks. Yesterday i walked by her and was amazed at how she looked, and well, things went pretty well for us from there forward. It was similar on my last streak, all of the sudden I start getting turned on by my wife (a real woman) instead of fake stuff on a screen… It’s absolutely wonderful. Sex with my wife is so much better in many ways, it’s the opposite of the guilt and shame after porn.
It’s just that when watching porn, my mind can’t appreciate the real because it’s being so stimulated by the fake stuff. To be honest I didn’t even want sex the last 10 weeks, it wasn’t in my thoughts at all – I just wanted to be free from anything sexual. I probably had sex with my wife a few times – more for her than for me. But now I feel my drive coming back, which is great. I’m glad to be back at this point in the detox process.
I wasn’t planning on writing any of this. I feel like I’m sharing details about my life that shouldn’t be public… but thought it might help somebody out there be motivated to quit or keep moving forward in the process.
History
Day 8
I know I get more moody dealing with this whole nasty business… sometimes I don’t know if I’m arguing with my wife because of my brain withdrawal and mood swings due to PMO and quitting PMO or if it’s because I actually am annoyed about something
when I start arguing I usually blame PMO and not my wife, I know when I was on my long streak I argued much less… something to look forward to in the days ahead
Day 26
I think a lot about how I got to 179 days and then “fell off the wagon”… normally with a sense of discouragement. I’m not sure why this thought came to me but I think it’s helpful for me. If I would have remained clean from my first attempt (though this definitely wasn’t my first attempt to quit, it was my first attempt after discovering reboot nation and YBOP) then I think I would have felt more “invincible” like I couldn’t fall back into it. Now that I realize I am still full human and subject to failure… I will move forward much more cautiously… even when I’m well over 100 days. I know I will get there again, I’m determined, I just want to keep this in my mind as I move forward.
Day 49 – Week 7 – no PMO no MO
Wednesday night I had crazy sex dreams that I woke up from, no wet dream but still – waking up from those dreams always presents urges in the morning and then throughout the day. Otherwise it’s been a relatively easy week. Keeping technology use and tv to a minimum is helpful.
I’ve been on a pretty strict diet and it’s been working great, I feel a lot better and have lost about 17 pounds. After the first month I started allowing myself cheat days once a week or on special occasions, which is to help with the longevity of the diet (before you tell me how this is a bad idea, there have been a lot of studies done that this is a good strategy). Anyway, yesterday wasn’t a cheat day – I already cheated a couple times this past weekend because of the holiday and birthdays… however I cheated anyway. A cookie, a chocolate bar, and some fried chicken… the strange thing about it was while I was eating it I felt very similar to when I have PMO’d in the past. Hope that nobody is notices me, the excitement beforehand, the pleasure during, and the guilt afterwards, and then getting rid of the evidence so that nobody finds out about it. I know the dopamine rush from the sugar and processed food is what my brain craves, just the same as my brain craves dopamine from looking at porn. I’ve read about this happening, but experiencing it yesterday was kind of surreal. It made me realize just how fragile I am – even in this area of PMO where I currently feel so strong in resisting – just one day of giving in is all it takes to feel like a punk again.
Today, aside from not looking at porn, I will be heating healthy.
day 60
So yeah, those dreams were haunting yesterday – I was fine while i was up and about – but I laid down to take a nap at one point because I had a headache and the moment I laid down thoughts started popping in my head making me want to fantasize… I resisted and everything was ok. Then the same thing happened when I went to bed at night, I made it through again without any issues, but it took some mental effort to resist.
This morning I did MO, though I didn’t fantasize or have thoughts about any images, which i used to think was impossible to do. My goal starting out 60 days ago was no PMO and no MO and that still is my goal so i’m going to get back to that, but somehow I don’t think this morning was entirely bad, I didn’t feel any kind of guilt afterwards – which i used to when I would MO while fantasizing.
day 63 – Week 9 – no PMO – 1 MO
3 days no MO
As I wrote about on Tuesday I did MO without thinking of any porn images or fantasizing, which i’m really happy that I didn’t have those bad thoughts because I have a similar reaction to how I felt after PMO if I MO with bad thoughts.
…
however I think the last couple days were made more difficult because of that, I found myself wanting to MO each morning the last couple days, as well as I found my thoughts drifting in a bad direction. It wasn’t anything that was going to cause me to stumble, i was able to dismiss those thoughts and move on, but I think they kept coming because of the MO on Tuesday.
With that being said, I will be much more careful and not give in to the temptation to MO.
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