Tales of Porn-Related ED 4

Tales of Porn-Related ED 1 is in an 8-part series of stories with a very small sampling of self-reports by various men who have experienced porn-induced ED. For more stories check out these porn-induced ED threads and forum sections:

• Too much porn/masturbation cause ED?  (3300 posts)
• 22 with porn induced erectile dysfunction?  (450 posts)
• Porn-induced ED section: YourBrainRebalanced.com
• Porn-induced ED section: RebootNation.com
• Porn-induced ED section: NoFap.com
• Porn-induced ED sub-reddit

Browse thousands of recovery self-reports to learn what those who’ve recovered have experienced: Rebooting Accounts Page 1, Rebooting Accounts Page 2, Rebooting Accounts page 3, and External Rebooting Blogs & Threads.

Like most I’ve been looking at Porn since I was 13 or so (I’m 47 now). It has never been a problem for me in the past, that is until I got high speed Internet back in 2000. Started noticing problems getting hard and bad delayed ejaculation problems. Up into that point in my life I had always had the ability to ejaculate on command however, after high speed porn I was lucky if I could got off 40% of the time. Sex with my then wife became less and less frequent. I thought my problems were because I was not attracted to her anymore. But that didn’t matter cause I had my beloved high speed porn. I could look at 1000’s of pictures in a sitting. Killed and entire afternoon just looking at porn. Sex with my then wife got more and more awkward. When I could get off during sex it was hard work (lot of sweating) and weak reward. It’s like for me to get off, I had to picture my wife in a sex scene with another guy. My wife finally left me after cheating on me for months. Once free from her I though I should have no problem now however, I had the same problem. If I could get it up I could never got off the first time with a woman. I have the same problems with my current wife. The problem for me, with my now wife, is I abstain from pmo for a few days so on the weekend I would have less problems, and if we don’t have sex I go into a withdraw frenzy. Mood swings and the whole nine yards. She told me she hated sex with me. It was awkward and she always felt it was her fault for my problems.

I am getting erection through the night and in the mornings. Never really had a problem losing the erection during sex just takes awhile to get it up. Once I’m up, I’m up for the night. That combined with the delayed ejaculation made me a hit the first few times I’m with a girl however, they get tired of it and so do I. It gets old real fast. Quickies are out of the equation.

This is my first blog and I’m on day 21 with no pmo. I thought it was impossible to do this. I thought I might explode after a few days or die. But I’m doing it. Pretty damn easy too. I no longer feel I’m in that sex frenzy I use to be in. I let my wife tell me when she’s ready for sex, at least until I can tell the difference between my addiction needing a dopamine fix and my body just needing sex. This is the longest I’ve ever been without the big o. Feels good to look at real woman again with lust. No wet dreams yet. Not sure if I’ll get them. I suspect I will have sex this weekend the first time since I started. I just want to have sex and get off without thinking about it or trying in less than 10 minutes. Not sure Karezza’s for me. Hope it all goes alright.

changing my life

I started 2 weeks ago with this no PMO without knowing. I’m also having problems with the ED. yesterday i just discovered all this about no PMO, while i was about to relapse hehe, so i started reading the  front page and some post you people have made. So i regain some courage and didn’t fapped, But still it is really hard, it’s been 2 weeks and i feel  really horny and i just want to cum.

I have watched porn since 14-15 years old, and now i’m 22. i am really shy, i have never had a gf, i lost my virginity at 21 with a hooker and to be honest i think it helped me alot. i have been hiring hookers and i have noticed that i’m more confident with girls, but the problem is that im noticing that sometimes is hard for me to keep an erectiion, sometimes i dont feel anything or i just get bored so the thing start to get soft. I thought by myself that it could be porn, because well i used to watch it everyday because i just love it, and apparently i wasn’t that wrong.

I still need to check more info, i dont understand well the dopamine info. but i will keep with no PMO to change my life. During this 2 weeks i have watched porn videos like 3 or 4 times without masturbating, but i do have surf the web for pictures of hotties, is that wrong? i have done this everyday, it kind of help me to calm the anxiety for porn. i have to admit that i am an addict, and it will be really hard to stop looking at those pictures.

I also want to know if taking alcohol and drugs affect the proccess? i drink alcohol just on weekends and sometimes i also take ecstasy on weekends. i know drugs are bad, but i just like the effects on a party, plus it make me talk alot and meet woman. sometime ago i noticed it was getting out of control cuz i was taking like 4 pills per weekend, so i stopped. 1 month passed and i started again, but just half pill or 1 maximum and not every weekend.

PD. english is not my native language, sorry if there is any error in my writing.

Rising Sun!

Ok, so I’m 22 year old guy who has been masturbating since age 8. At first, it was imagination and pictures from newspaper, porn came around age 12 and that’s when things got bad. I didn’t jerk off like a maniac for several times a day, but I did develop a habit of masturbating once a day to porn (sometimes more, sometimes less, but once per day is average). As years progressed I needed more and more extreme porn to get me aroused and by this day I have seen everything. Every sick perversion and fetish out there, I have seen it and masturbated to it. All those years of extreme porn and masturbation left me with a weak erections, loss of morning and random erections and my libido has almost decreased to 0. When sex with real women came into play, at first I had trouble getting it up and keeping it up (because, deep inside, I really didn’t have the desire to have sex) and when I managed to get it up and stick it in, I would suffer from premature ejaculation and come within a minute of  constant stimulation (this also happens if I masturbate for I minute or two constantly, I guess that’s the way I trained my penis during the years). I also suffer from anxiety and depression, both symptoms of porn induced ED. After reading online about the problems porn addiction can cause, I decided to start the reboot and get my libido back and fix my PE.

Funny thing is, when I decided to quit, I didn’t feel sad or had any cravings. Instead, I felt nothing. No desire to watch porn, no desire to masturbate, no morning wood, no desire for real life women, nothing, like I was dead down there. I had couple of wet dreams and some weak morning woods, but that’s about it. This continued for 10 days. Around day 11 I began feeling hornier and hornier, I started noticing real women more and more, and I would get erections (still weak erections though) thinking about women or sometimes looking at them. This continued to day 14 and I really thought that my libido was getting better because I was constantly thinking about women. I knew I was going to relapse, but I decided to test myself with masturbation just to see if I made any progress. It was masturbation to pure touch, no fantasy or porn, so that’s a good thing at least. I was able to easily achieve full, 100% strong erection (though with physical stimulation, when I began it was around 60%) and I was able to stimulate it for 10+ minutes, constantly (witch was impossible before) before I came. So, 2 weeks without PMO cured both my ED and PE. But, as soon as I came, things went back to the way they were when I started the reboot. Again, no desire for sex or masturbation, no desire for women, nothing. I guess it was just the urge to release and not the sign of a returning libido.

Now I’m starting round 2 of no PMO and this time I won’t try any tests or relapses. I have seen the effects of 2 weeks, I can only imagine what will 4 months do. And 4 months should be enough to get my libido back, not just the urge to release. Right now I’m at day 5 and feel the same as I did on day 5 of round 1. I’ll post updates about my progress from time to time. And finally, I should add that no PMO also cured my anxiety and depression A LOT. I used to be down all the time before, now I’m smiling for no reason.

Virgin feeling asexual because of porn, need advice

Title pretty much sums it up. A girl yelled at me once because I couldn’t get it up. I feel that this, in addition to my overall lack of libido over the last few years has made it incredibly difficult to muster the level of willpower and motivation that I need to fix myself. Is their anyone else who has overcome similar problems or has advice?

Hey man,

I’ll take a wild guess and say my situation is worse because I’m in late 20’s. I never managed a PIV even though I had girlfriends and one-night stands. Generally girls like me so it’s a shame I wasted 14 years fapping instead.

I wish I could tell you how my ED went away and how easily problems are getting fixed but I’m on day 48 and expect a long healing process. Even if it takes me 4 or 5 months, I would still take it as a miracle after 14 years of PMO, escalating to more extreme genres over the years. Don’t get me wrong I’m not pessimistic and it will obviously work. I just think that it can take a longer time for guys who discovered sexuality in front of a computer.

Go for it. Before getting your sexual drive back (that can take a while), you’ll get other good effects pretty quickly; that will keep you motivated.

I am a German man of 24 years (so sorry, for my bad or unclear English) struggling with porn for about 10 – 13 years now. All started around 13, 14 with common material, such as softcore magazines and movies, sex broadcasts in the open TV and similar things. I was in puberty, just interested in any kind of sexual related material and also started masturbating around that age (maybe slight earlier). My first hardcore movies were typical VHS videotapes, which were circulating in the school even at this time (I was 13 or 14 years at that time).

Of course, it all escalated with the Internet, first pretty old-school with jpegs and discettes, then the first movies (free samples), file-sharing, tubes etc. I’ve spent countless hours in front of the computer (after school, in the holidays etc.), always masturbating and searching for new, more exciting material. Needless to say that my taste got more and more specific and extreme as well as my “sessions” got longer and longer. I also had and have some favourite pages, which I would frequent regularly, to see “what’s new”, you all know that, I guess …

I’ve never had a girlfriend or sex, although I am an intelligent and educated young man (at the university at the moment), with average, sportive looks. Maybe its because I have a stammer since early childhood, which is a massive burden for me, also.

But back to the topic of porn: currently, I more or less have ruined my potency, with just masturbating to much (sometimes 3 or 4 times a day, in the last time even with limp dick) and watched way to much (escalating) porn. Hard to describe, but I guess porn was and is like a best friend for me. It is always available, always something new, exciting to find, no obligations, don’t cost a dollar … I am a born-again christian and of course I know, that porn is a false friend and destructive thing and definitely not how god intended sexuality. Anyway, I think my life would be so empty without it and that I have to work so hard to find another thing, giving me so much satisfaction and pleasure.

I guess, I have the choice: porn or a healthy libido with normal erectile response. To be honest, I can’t remember the last full-blown erection I’ve had when watching porn or wanking, nor can I remember my last spontaneous erections (maybe that was 12 years ago or so (). I even tried a thing called jelqing for a few months, in a porn-induced urge to get a bigger cock. I even got an injury from jelqing, maybe 1.5 years ago, nothing to dramatic, but the base of my penis seems to be a little bit softer and unstable since then. I don’t know … maybe it is just imagination, as this whole porn-vicious-circle is driving me more and more nuts, maybe it is a safety-precaution from my body or even a sign, that I must stop porn now.

I hope, that kegels and pelvic floor exercises combined with no PMO will fix even this problem.

Time for Change

Hey guys, today I am starting my Road to Recovery from Porn ED. Here is my story: I started watching porn when I was around 14 and masturbated too it every time. At first it was awesome and I was erect to the point that it actually hurt. I kept masturbating with and withou t porn excessively throughout my teenage years preforming the dreaded death grip every time. I have not gone without porn or masturbating for more than 10 days. I am now 20 years old and in college. I have never have had sex but have been in bed with multiple woman. I first noticed that I could not get it up last year (19 years old) when this girl was giving me my first hand job. Even when I saw her with all her clothes off I could not get it up. I have hooked up with other girls since then and am had the same problem with each one.

I  knew I had a serious problem and immediately blamed it on the masturbating I did every day. I did some research and found  and learned about Porn ED and read all the symptoms and knew that I had it. I am here now to finally kick the addiction after many relapses and too journal my experiences.

This is Day 1 (I have never gone more than a week without looking a porn or masturbating to sexual images like facebook pics). I hope that writing a journal will not only help me but help others. Any support will be greatly appreciated; I know I could use it!

INTRODUCTION

I am a 27yr old Personal Trainer from Sydney Australia and for all in-tenets and purposes I am fit and healthy. I eat pretty well, am in good shape and exercise is an integral part of my life. I also have a hereditary kidney condition but it is under control and should not affect my life.

Now, I hate to sound arrogant here but I am good looking as well, intelligent and would consider myself a good person; I’m also confident around women and people that know me respect me, BUT (ahh there’s always a ‘but’ eh sigh):

• I have never had a girlfriend. That said…
• I go on MANY dates each year but never find a girl that captures my interest. I’ve only gone out with a girl more than 3 times on 3 former occasions.
• Never truly had good sex
• Have been hiding my addiction to porn from my family since I started looking at in 1995 when I was 11 (more on that later)

So I was confused! I mean for years I didn’t date that much, which I put it down to first wanting to get through University (which in Australia is NOT like the college system in America e.g. frat parties etc). Then after that it was about getting myself set up as a trainer. Always excuses.

Then about 2 years ago at 25, I decided to get serious about dating…I’d been desiring a relationship for years and finally decided to be firmly proactive about it but discovered that my occasional ‘Seinfeld-esque’ tendencies (you know, always finding fault) had gotten worse.

This really sucked for me! I mean I would consider myself a romantic…my best friend growing up was a girl, I loved Dirty Dancing (the movie  and I always get teary eyed and emotional watching “The Wonder Years” having first seen it during its original 80’s-early 90’s run.

Furthermore here I was, a muscular guy into UFC, with waist length hair (though i cut it short after 7 years just before my 25th bday) and pro Wrestling (I even went to a 12 week camp in Canada to pursue that…wasn’t good enough at it, but have no regrets! lol)…basically a romantic guy who lifted weights, even did some strongman stuff and strongly desired a woman yet couldn’t seem to find anyone and worse..on the couple of times that I did…nothing, I would be aroused but when it came to sex and the condom came on, I wasn’t going anywhere.

PLUS my libido gradually waned so that by the time I was 26 it was really low. I had tests done, all normal. I had a feeling it was the porn…

PORN HISTORY (as well as…)

OK, let’s get into it. Time to unburden! I first discovered naked women when I came across my dad’s porn stash (mainly penthouse magazine) when I was 6. Thought it was interesting at the time but was still innocent and didn’t have a desire to look at it more than like 2 or 3 times. Then I turned 10 and that changed. By the time I was 11 I was looking at all of his magazines and even at the local newsagent (& I was a crafty sumbitch, I would put the mag inside of a comic book so that the staff couldn’t see what I was doing) .

Got my first PC in 1996 when I was 12 and discovered Internet porn pretty soon after that. For the next few years my porn habit was tamed by slow 28 then 56k modem speed…you remember the deal guys, ‘galleries’ and 10second sample vids that took 20mins to download.

Then broadband came along and the tubes/streaming porn. As Gary’s slides and others have emphasised here have related, my tastes became more varies, my interests more risque, each session lasted longer and the search was on, even though the available porn was and is essentially infinite!

In a nutshell: At least 1-3x a week from the age of 11 until 28 days ago, I was looking at P. 17 frickin years!!!! I could cry.

And using my own mind/fantasy/M without P, probably stopped after 11 years of looking at Porn i.e. in the last 6 years I almost never M without P, so sad

But going back two years (maybe even closer to 3) I knew deep down that Porn was my problem, so i tried to quit. & i tried!!!! I started a Porn log (at least once a week when I look back over the last year for example despite my best efforts) and tried guilt and self-recrimination, I tried positive thinking and prayer (I have a religion I believe in but I am not against porn for religious reasons though i respect those that are). I said to myself “this is the LAST time” for countless ‘last’ times and I would even save the pictures and movies I downloaded as …Last” and other similar applications.

Basically i tried everything and managed 40 days once but it was never going to work because willpower can only get you so far. I really thought I was doomed to eternal failure at breaking this habit/addiction, even though I lied to myself after each ‘last time’ and had a bit of hope that it was the last…that is until I found yourbrainonporn.

My degree was in Psychology and History and Gary’s slides made total sense to me. Neural plasticity exists, it has too much evidence now for it be refuted and here was proof that i was and had been damaging myself. The key was that once I knew I could fix myself, i was set on this course.

But it still is an addiction and it still is a daily battle, which is why I”m blogging this now, 1 MONTH after starting what I feel will be my latest attempt at quitting and one that will actually work this time!

Now for “as well as”…

‘AS WELL AS’

I discovered Asian massage parlours and ‘happy endings’ when I was 20 seven years ago and I can’t tell you how much money I have spent on it, less so as my libido has reduced but still enough and these massages aren’t cheap! But along with Porn it gave me that release as well as the (false) comfort of being with a woman in the flesh.

Similar to my P addiction, I have attempted to quit going to these places for at least 3 years now but have not been successful, going for that “last time” at least twice a month on average. That is until I came across yourbrainonporn.com. Tho I have not been totally successful, here’s my journey so far…

Full Disclosure

Now introducing myself:

I am a 24 year old male,  5″8 tall weighing in at 150 pounds (for those who use the metric system= 173 cm, 69 kg)

I am born in Sweden but my ethnicity is not swedish, you could say i am european (i am a mix of so many different nationalities  so i do not really know myself)

Well my life has not always been hell, i was born in Sweden the first son to a family full of happiness and security. You could say i had a healthy childhood with lots of love and attention, i was not spoiled if i did something wrong my parents gave me correction.

I started getting very curious about sex and my genitals when i was around 6-7 years, i think it was because my older cousins where in the age one normally starts getting curious about  sex or they had seen it somewhere else and where now passing it on to me.

So we started playing with ourselves but really not knowing what we where doing, it was not a sexual thing this was curiosity, later our parents found out what we where doing (there was no secrecy) and told us to stop.

We did for a while, but resumed again but this time with more secrecy and enthusiasm and it continued for some time.

Then i had a lucky break! My family moved to south america and while i was there i forgot all about that stuff. I was happy there and excelled at school being one of the best students even though i had to speak spanish first.

My mother still has my homework saved from when i was in south america and my handwriting then is 10 times better than it is  now.

Well eventually we moved back to Sweden, and i reunited with my cousins and old friends (i was now 10 years old i had been abroad for 3 years)

At school i was ahead the class in math and at an even level with the other subjects excluding swedish and english.

But then the problem started for real…

Myself and my 1 year older cousin started to become really good friends and it was fun, but we also started to talk about girls and women and about his oldest brother that had something he was very secretive about.

We did not understand but we where curious.

I remember the first time i MOed (I was 11 or 12)i was sick home all by myself, and started touching myself then something happend hat felt really weird and i wanted to do it more.

——–

It was at that time i started my lifelong depression and brainfog, my parent wondered what it could be i used to be such a smart, curious and happy boy, always building things woodwork, electronics, bows and arrows. Full of ideas and outgoing. and now i had become the total opposite.

——–

I told my cousin and he confessed that he too was masturbating, we started to go around in the woods looking for porn magasines (There where a lot of them in the weirdest places, far away internet porn was around but not HIGH speed)

we tried to steel porn movies  in stores, from my cousins older brothers.

We collected all we could.¨

And all the time i was MOing 1 or 2 a day.

I started to get depressed and boring, i found no interest in  anything i did not want to hang out with my friends. I only wanted to be alone so i could PMO.

I made up excuses that i want to go home to my cousin and play video games or something, but we would only do that so night would come and everyone would go to bed so we could sneak out and Download porn and watch it.

It even came to the length that we would MO each other even though we both liked women.

This continued until we got 15 or something when it became weird to PMO together.

At my home we got our first high speed internet connection at that time and i started to make up excuses so i could be home alone PMOing endlessly.

I became obsessed with the ideals of the porn world and wanted to have a large penis and a ripped body, i started working out everyday and loking at porn almost daily i did MO a lot everyday. I thought the more i MOed the larger my penis would get.

I was a really depressed 16 year old with no motivation but it looked like i was fine thanks to my good physique. Anyway i knew i had to stop so i started to cut down and things started too look good.

But then relapsed again and again, i started to hate myself even more, i had no control. There could be a period of light that was destroyed by a binging of PMO, skipping school for PMO or being “sick”.(PMOing 6-7 times a day for 2 months)

I seriously considered castrating myself, i tried electrocuting my genital, tried vinegar, chilly, anything that hurt or numbed. I wanted to regain control, this was not me!

But nothing worked, i relapses and was there again PMOing several times a day. I cut myself on the torso thinking i would somehow scare myself straight but it only worked for some months.

I survived in high school thanks to some periods of non Porn, but masturbation has always been present since year 11. The first year i surpassed all the other students with ease, even some of the teachers and that was thanks to my efforts of staying away from porn.

The second and third years i went from being The top student to the one that skips 40 % of all the classes. And there was only one reason i skipped school you can probably guess by now…. PMO

All my high school years where marked by social anxiety and weirdness. And relapse after relapse..  endlessly relapsing..

Finally i just gave up and accepted that this was me now forever.

The day o my graduation all the students where going out to party and have a good time, i just couldn’t wait to get home and PMO knowing my parents would be out, i said i felt sick and went home and PMOed myself to exhaustion.

I managed to get grades high enough to be accepted to a university (i dont know how but i guess that i am quite intelligent when i am not PMOing myself to death)

I moved to another city, and it started out pretty good the first week, but then i started PMOing every day.

#After a month of living in another city this was my life:

I was again longing for the porn ideals, but this time i just care to get  larger penis.

I would come home from university and look at porn and ejaculate 7 to 8 times a day. I did not eat, sleep or mind my own personal hygiene until i collapsed, i would miss the next day. To continue this cycle, when I was “recharging”  after i just had ejaculated i watched a tv/serie or played some FPS then the moment i felt the urge come back i would turn of the tv/serie or game in something similar to a panic and start PMOing again. If i felt that my kidney where hurting i would literally run to the toilet and urinate the fastest i could and run back at full speed, sometimes i could do it so fast that i did not properly empty and there wold be a urin spill, but i did not care i just wanted my fix my PMO.

And i did not care where my semen fell, it could be in my underwear on the flor on my socks on my blanket (disgusting)

It could sometimes go 2 days and i would not eat anything just watch series in the recovery time of my obsessive PMOing, then i would eat anything, once i ate a plate of food i had left out on the table but not eaten because i was to eager to PMO.

My studies went to hell.. everything did, but i did not care. I just wanted my fix and bigger penis.

The months passed and it became worse i bought a sextoy, and it took me to a new level. I felt i was losing my grip on reality and i think i started to go a little crazy, i started to talk to myself and see signs in common occurrences and i didn’t now if this really was reality or if i could die here and wake up somwhere else.

I only felt that i was thinking clear 2-3 minutes after i got my PMO fix but after that i was in the brain fog.

I became tired that i could not control my life and tried to commit suicide 2 times, first i tried to drown myself in a nearby lake but i saw a “sign” there was some graffiti that made sense to my foggy brain  and i did not fill my clothes with stones and jump in. THe second time i walked out on a trafficked road but the drivers where alert and where able to steer away.

I felt no fear or emotion.

I wanted to be alive again.

I told my parents that i was addicted to internet and that i screwed up my life (did not tell about PMO) so i begged them to take my computer. and they did, i was now studying nonstop again and doing well.

The i started to long after PMO, the longing became so great that i dropped out of the university and moved home and began PMOing (i now have a huge debt i currently am paying back ).

After 1 month or so i stopped and met my current wife, i was so happy and i did no PMO for a while then it started again, i did not want to be inexperienced in sex or have a non porn penis i started again. I did have some ED problems the first time we had sex but i started to think on porn and it made me hard (i have always had a very strong libido)

but i could not ejaculate untill the 6th or 7th time we had sex.

I did however get my “porn penis” i dont know if it had to do with my vigourous PMOing or my genetics but reaching my goal was not an end to PMOing.

I could not stop my addiction, i felt bad toward my wife that i was PMOing, it felt like cheating but it was imposible to stop. And then i did not care anymore.

I did however start to get a worsening of my symptoms, like lack of energy, cloudy eyes, brain fog, irritbility, inability to concentrate, gained weight about 48 pounds.

So i started  exercising  and drinking coffee and ingesting all types off caffeine.

I managed to loose 45 pounds and I felt better, but still strange my doctor sent me to a psychologist because she could not find anything wrong with my vitals.

The first thing that made me stop was that my wife found my pornsites i had forgotten to close, i said i would accept help and change, I did for about 2 months! It was the best time in my life even though i did not give up masturbation Ideas and i was extremely successful at work and with everything i tried .

I was diagnosed with adhd and depression (but now i think my only problem has been PMO, i will talk to the psychologist)

and was given Concerta, it helped me a LOT with the rest of my life.

But masturbation led me to non nude sites of glamour models, and then to youtubes booty videos and then to sites with nude dancing and ultimately to porn.

I had relapsed again, this relapse was pretty bad, PMO every day for 8-10 hours for 1 month.

Now i am here..

The last time i PMOed was saturday, so i am on day 2 (88 days to go), but this time i have help, my wife agreed to cease all sexuall activity for at least 90 days until i am cured, it may sound a bit drastic but for me personally it is a must.

It is all or nothing now.

Then i have the support of this forum and the encouraging stories and good tips.

I am confident i will succeed this time.

I thank God i have found this site I WILL CHANGE and i will try my best to help others here too, we all can be soo much more. This is not what we are, we are not just a penis with a brain and a body attached to it. WE are MEN with rational brains and brilliant ideas. We can create so much! just look at the world all the technological accomplishments, all the works of art, all the music, all athletic achievements the list can be made long.

I refuse to be ruled by my  sexual desires and my addictions I want to rule over them. I want to be captain of my ship.

THIS mutiny is OVER!!!

Sorry for not being present in the forum (also have had exams), but actually I was thinking that there’s nothing worth to tell you guys, because I was getting through a hard time of binging again and again. It’s embarrassing, although I know about all the disadvantages of porn since 2010, I guess. Now I wanted to start a blog or let’s say, getting my act together. I want to get rid of this life-destroying addiction, of being afraid to get closer to a girl, because I’m aware of my ED-problems, caused by years and years of porn consumption and last but not least, of that brain-fog or however named; this inability to find, what your looking for in life, because you’re in some ways numbed. In my opinion (and I know, I’m not the only one in this forum, thinking like that), this has also to do with nutrition and media-consumption in general respectively the constant distraction from the nitty-gritty of life. Well, as a first blog-entry, I don’t want to bore you, so let’s go to the conclusion I made, also trying to simplify my life (no, I haven’t read the book), to see better the things that are important for ME in life:

* I’ve deleted my facebook-profile (never really liked it. Created a account because of a girl, I liked. Nevertheless, even if you’re not a friend of social-networks, you spend more time you intended to on this page. Besides, I want to get to know people face-to-face)

* Requested the cancellation of my Internet-connection at home (this will be very hard for me, but I know, there is no other option. It’s not only porn, it’s about Internet-usage in general. I can spend a whole day online, that’s really energy sapping. Besides, I have Internet-connection with my netbook on campus Mo-Sat, 8h until 12h at night.

* Installed a easy-to-handle and free porn-filter, I’d recommend you all (http://www.cloudacl.com/). It’s without a password but the key point for me is, not even randomly see porn-pictures so they mislead me to click on them.

* Trying to clean out my diet. Actually, that’s a big point for me. I’m very interested in nutrition, but everyone who has read more than a few books on a healthy diet, will realize, that there are a dozen of different opinions and it’s pretty confusing. At the end, I have 2 concepts on my mind: raw-food-diet and the paleo-diet explained in Robb Wolf’s book. Well, I try to handle it like this: Although both sound reasonable for me, I try the paleolithic-diet on my way. Why, you ask? Well, it’s actually not to complicated to follow and besides, I want to stop thinking extremist. I don’t have so much money, so I eat my veggies, my meat, some fruits, some nuts and allow myself exceptions e.g. when I’m cooking with my neighbors (exceptions like some pasta, potatoes or cream 1, 2 or 3 evenings a week). Same I do with alcohol, maybe a glass of wine with friends, when I feel like that. But not that peer-pressure-drinking-game, I’ve joined too often in my life. Back to nutrition (and that’s my argument against raw-food-diet), in my opinion it’s important to choose natural ingredients, but also you have to enjoy your meal in company (cooking with friends for example) and it has to taste good. You have to ENJOY it. Eating is great and we also want to enjoy life, right? I love to cook and to eat with friends, having some tapas for hours. That are my exceptions and I don’t think, they will kill me and hopefully not suspend my way out of everyday-addictions especially my porn-related reboot-progress. Another argument is, that I’m a hardgainer/ectomorph. I’ve tried once a vegan-diet, with lots of carbohydrates (rice, beans, tofu, pasta, oats etc.) and I felt great, have had a great skin, but I think the reason was, that my diet before was crappy and furthermore I’ve lost lots of weight.

* Completion to the point above: I don’t want to believe in supplements anymore. I think and hope healthy food is enough, to maintain a good health with all it’s benefits.

Enough, next point:

* I registered for some cross-fit-training three times a week, beginning next Saturday

* Also starting next week, I will join the city’s S.L.A.A. group. Let’s see, if it will help me come along with this crap.

* And of course I cut out cigarettes, which is especially in stressful times very hard for me.

22, ED, and a reboot

My story: 22 years old, been on PMO since about 13. Had a gf for 5 years which involved some pretty good sex. I experienced ED with her once last year, but only once, and I wrote it off as being tired and out of sorts.

We broke up in December, and recently I was hooking up with another girl, but couldn’t get it up! Again, first I wrote it off as being tired, then as her not being as attractive as I’d have liked. It was only when I found YBOP that I realized that it was PMO, not her, and not being tired, that was causing my ED. So I’ve decided to quit permanently.

My basic goal is 10 weeks with no PMO. P must be gone permanently, with only marginal M.

I have always been a wildly social person, so I don’t know what kind of changes to expect socially. I LOVE meeting new people, so I don’t expect to make major gains there. But I do want my sexual self-confidence back. I’ll be damned if I have to struggle with erections ever again.

So, here I am, 8 days without ‘O’, I wish I could say ‘PMO’ however, I have come close a few times but with some will power managed to stop myself. It seems that the draw I have to watching porn is actually stronger than the desire to masturbate, as I do in fact feel some satisfaction from just looking only. However, I know I need to cut it all out, I’m working on that   8 days is I think the longest I have gone probably since I start around 12 or 13 at a guess (I’m 27 now).

My porn days started back in school, we used to take it in turns to buy the ‘Daily sport’ newspaper, needless to say, we weren’t very interested in the sports section haha. From there it escalated to magazines, then various VHS tapes that were passed around. I remember scanning the TV guide every week to see what ‘erotic thrillers’ were in store on Channel 5, then I’d set the recorder without my parents knowing, then sneak it out in the morning and fast forward to the best bits (often there wasn’t any haha). Then the Internet came along, before long I was viewing pictures, then 30 second video clips, then the clips get longer, the quality gets better and here we are today with instant steaming HD hardcore porn.

I really had no idea the kind of damage I was doing to myself watching all this porn and masturbating multiple times a day. Whilst growing up I was extremely shy, I had a few friends but severe social anxiety and didn’t stand a chance talking to any girls, lots used to show interest, but then later withdrew when they attempted to communicate with me. Looking back, I can see now how I must have been using PMO to self medicate in an attempt to forget about my problems. This cycle continued from school, into college, then into university, all the time using PMO to get by, but the thought never crossed my mind that PMO might have been the cause of these issues! It makes me sad really to think how things might have been if I was more aware of my situation back then, but such is life.

The first time I came to have sex I had ED, however I was drunk so attributed it to the alcohol, then it happened again. Eventually, I saw an escort, stone cold sober and had ED again, then I knew I had an issue. Whilst with her I was thinking of porn fantasies which would get it up, then it would go right back down again. That’s when I first made the link about how I might be addicted.

A short while ago, I started to realise that If I went without PMO for a few days a number of interesting things would happen. My mood would improve, I would get more energy, my confidence improved (this was the biggest thing), skin, eyes, hair conditions all got better, but mainly it was the increased confidence I noticed. I think I tried to limit the PMO sessions somewhat, this latest for a little while, then I soon fell back into the old cycle again of doing it daily. Then I found this site, took it all in and was amazed to hear people speaking about the same things, so I got back on the wagon again and started to limit things to 2 or 3 times a week, then once every 4 days. I found 4 days was about right to get confidence where I wanted it to be, so I would stop on a Tuesday, then by the weekend Id be feeling good again when I’m out with friends etc.

Anyway, I have made the decision to cut out the porn completely, because basically, I want a real girl. I’ve never had a girlfriend, I’m 27, I’m in great shape, and I have been told my lots of girls I am very attractive. I feel this whole PMO thing is really holding me back in life so I’m getting rid of it. However, it won’t be easy, I work at home alone all day in front of a computer, so the porn is only a click away!

This is day 8, the longest I’ve done before this is 6 days, and that’s in 15 years! Results noticed so far, is much more energy, im laughing at things more, generally happier, although having boughts of depression/anger, deeper voice, improved hair, skin, eyes. I can’t wait to see what things are like at the 2 week mark.

Reclaiming my life – journal on the path to freedom and cookies

I’m 22 years old, have a job, am single and I’ve been masturbating to porn for about 10 years. I’m also a virgin and I’ve only made out with one girl in my entire life (reached second base actually). Yay for me!  😢

My masturbation career began at the age of 10 when I found my mother’s stash of clothes cataloges. I found the female underwear section to be very interesting, and that kept me busy for a few years.

I began watching porn when I was 12 years old and we still had a 56K modem. I got hooked on lesbian pictures(the more the merrier eh?) and when I received broadband the floodgates opened and there was a neverending river of new hot stuff to watch. I never really escalated into the disgusting stuff, but always prefered lesbian soft porn/solo.

During my teens I started to hoard pictures/videos but always deleted them after a while, almost like I somehow knew deep down that this was not right, but I always kept browsing if nothing else. I estimate that I masturbated at least 2 times a day every day of the year, but sometimes as many as up to 5 times per day. I was very shy and never even tried to get a girlfriend, and I very rarely spoke to women.

When I reached 20 I began paying for membership on porn sites, and was experimenting with a fleshlight(God, that is shameful). I was basically very desperate, depressed and lonely at this point. Suicide was a real option for me and I had a pretty solid idea on how to do it, but I never went through with it and I’m so grateful for that. That would’ve been the ultimate acceptance of failure and inability to change.

I eventually gave up sex toys and memberships and went back to regular porn. At this point I had developed serious anti-social behaviours and did not talk to anyone(broke my contact with everyone, inc. friends), do anything or visit anyone except from my job. I stayed at home and didn’t leave the house except to go shopping and to work for about two years. I was also very depressed and lacked motvation to do anything. Life was dull, uninteresting and lacked meaning. I was very shy and nervous and did not like to talk to or meet new people and I had a hard time talking to women.

My morning erections were also gone by now and I only received a 60 % erection when looking at porn, and this caused my depression to increase even more, since I figured I was unable to get it up and would never have a woman, and to comfort myself I looked at even more porn(spent on average 1-2 hours per day watching/masturbating). Thus I was in a negative spiral without any apparent end.

Thankfully, I began reading about the PMO-issue in February this year and I instantly recognized the root of my problems.

It made so much sense! Here I had finally found something that described my lack of motvation, my indifference towards everything and everyone, my anxiety, my loneliness, my ED and my inability to speak to women in any meaningful way. It also explained why I don’t have a girlfriend.

Morever, it struck me how I viewed women – as a set of holes for my pleasure. For all these years I had viewed sex as the ultimate goal and how wrong I was… I didn’t see women for who they really were, but only for their bodies.

It gave me hope, and I was suddenly filled with energy to change myself into who I really wanted to be and I set out the path for PMO freedom.

So where am I today?

On the bright side, I’ve acknowledged that I have a problem and I know how to fix it. I’m also talking more to people, have even particiated in a few social gatherings and spent some time with friends(after I re-established contact with them). Life is defintely better than earlier, and since I’ve been able to decrease the PMO-incidents to perhaps once every 3rd day, I’ve been more positive, have had more motivation and my confidence has increased a bit(tiny one but …). I’m still too shy and nervous, so I have to work on that, but at least I’m on the right path. I’m also hitting the gym now and I’m beginning to see my muscles grow.

Now to the negative… I can’t quit completely! Bloody hell! I’ve been trying desperately to quit PMO since I began reading about this but I always relapse after just a few days. It’s very frustrating because I know that this is what’s holding me back so much and if only I could stop it completely I would see new amazing results!

My current record is a mere 5 days, but now I’m mightily fed up with it!. I believe that this journal will be the final piece of motivation I need to get my act together and start to take control of my life. It would suck hard to fail after spending so much time writing this 😀

My motivations for doing this are:

1: Cure my ED completely (I’ve seen some small improvements since I cut down).

2: Rewire my brain to find women attractive again and be able to view them as much more than a means to sex. I want to fall in love with their personality and not their body!

3: Increase confidence and decrease social anxiety.

4: Be able to live life to it’s fullest and not be content with mediocrity. I’m now certain that PMO is stopping me from making the most of my life.

I think Porn/Masturbation may be the cause of my recent problems for the last year. I’m 40 and have MB’ed multiple times a week since I was young.

I have become addicted to Porn-tube channels online and sometimes sit there surfing through them MBing two to three times a session daily or late at night after my wife and son are asleep. Then when I have sex with m wife I don’t seem to get hard and if I do I don’t stay hard .

The other night she gave me a hand-job using lube and it felt great but I did not get hard as I do when I do it. I’m glad I finally googled this. I suspected Porn/Masturbation could be my problem. I have become desensitized by online porn such as gang bangs, facials, dp, wife sharing, rough sex.

I recently had sex with my wife recently and did not get fully hard until I imagined her giving another guy head as I did her. This all sounds sick I know. This had become an embarrassment to my sex life and I have decided to stop MBing so much, maybe just once a month. And I’m going to quit using porn as it had desensitized me.

I’ve been masturbating since I was in my mid teens and I’m in my 40’s now. I would still do it when I had a girlfriend. I got into the habit of M just about every night while laying in my bed falling asleep. I started selling online porn in 2000 I was making at killing $$$ but at the same time slowly killing a part of myself. The perfect storm an M addict with a endless supply for free porn and behold PMO fiend.

I thought I was having ED because I was having difficulty with erections. Then I realized that I could not get an erection with her but by myself no problem. I started taking over the counter products to help me along which did improve my ED symptoms. I even wet to the Dr. and told him about my ED issues but I did not tell him I view a lot of porn and jerk off religiously. He gave me a fully battery of tests and found nothing. In my mind I knew what the problem was but I was in denial about it.

I had another girlfriend where even though I knew better I continued to PMO and pray that I’d be able to perform.

What makes it extra difficult to stop is that its a private problem meaning your friends and family don’t know you have a problem with PMO. So their is no one to get on you about doing it like if you were drinking or smoking.

I’ve been on and off the wagon countless times. Before I found this forum I had already told myself start by staying away from the porn. I’ve been doing a pretty good job at doing that. Avoiding the porn greatly reduces my urge to M.

For me watching porn and M totally messed up my libido, my mind would know what should excite but my body usually didn’t agree. I just reached a point where I need to get this under control. When I do get another woman I do not want to experience the difficulties I brought on myself by PMO.

I have been reading hundreds of post on this site for the last week. I’m in the same boat as everyone else here;

25 years old, one year ago I came out of a 4-year long relationship in which I never experienced ED, but when I think back on it I might had less hard erections in the last year of it and a harder time to get hard sometimes. After the break I have been hiding in porn, and of course I have been searching for more and more extreme things. Sometime I masturbated 4 times a day to P. When I were in the relationship I also did PMO, most likely every day but I don’t really remember, as said I didn’t realized in that time that it might be a problem…

However, then during my first single-summer I had two bad experiences with two very hot and sweet girls. Everything went perfect except that I wasn’t able to keep an erection. In the beginning I thought it was just because I was nervous and stuff like that, but then I began noticing:

1; when I masturbated I clenched real hard with my right hand

2; It was hard for me to keep the erection

3; I needed several videos at one time to keep my arousal up

4; porn was always on my mind, in school, at work, when I tried to sleep, etc.

5; No morning wood ever

6; No spontaneous erections either

7; I looked forward to get home an watch porn.

Hallelujah! I realized that something was just to ****** up! I deleted my 65 GB of porn and thought from now on I wood control myself. I tried to stay off for a while, but only a few days later I would be touring the tube-sites. Then installed a blocker, but however still easy to get around such thing.

I kept like this for 2 month or so and during this time I got really freaked out. I was simply not horny anymore and everything felt wrong. I started doubting myself that this would never go back to normal and stuff like that, never being able to have a normal relationship again and so on. Nervous ALL the time! An every time the feeling got to intense I would crawl back to P just to prove to myself that the thing down there still worked! I even got to a low where I ejaculated with a complete limp ****!

Then I found this site, and what a relief! Reading stories of others in the same boat made me relax a little bit and it felt good from the first evening to know that there could be light ahead!

Now I have been PMO free for one week! And it feels weird and good. My experiences so far:

1. I now get hard in the morning, it is not there when I am opening my eyes, but during my twenty minutes of snoozing it’s there!
2. I can get a spontaneous erection if I am thinking about a girl. Not just watching a girl, but thinking. I try to think of girls I could potentially date and I try to limit my day-fantasies to normal sex – no gaping and stuff like that:)
3. It might be a placebo effect, but I generally fell better. It feels good to do something for your self that makes sense.

My advice for all of you (or the ones of you who wants to listen):

1) Stay away from PORN. If you suddenly have porn in your head, then throw it out off your head. Again and again. It will stop sooner or later.

2) I think that’s a lot of us puts too much pressure on our self.

* Don’t be afraid of having a wet dream. They are IMO a very good sign that you are healing.

* If you want to masturbate, then do it. However try to limit it to 2-3 times a week. Think about normal fantasies and normal girls. Maybe one you spotted on the street earlier. Never go for a second round of M, even though your body scream for more of it!

* If you do masturbate, then try to do it in a new way. Maybe use opposite hand and only light touch. You can even try to put a condom on to get used to the feeling of how its gonna be next time you are with a girl.

3) Don’t change everything in your life if it is too much.

* If you smoke, try to limit it instead of a total quit. Too many changes might be to much and the disappointment of potentially failing in several things might hit you real hard.

* The same goes for alcohol. Try to limit it a bit. It wouldn’t hurt for sure.

* Go out, drink some beers, have a smoke. Talk to girls, smile be happy and don’t worry about what might happen later.

4) If you do get a girl with home or you end up at her place, then relax!

*If it won’t get up, do something else with. After all, none of you should be in a hurry.

* If the thought of actual intercourse makes you to nervous, tell her that you would like to wait. After all, most girls likes sex, but many girls are having sex on their first dates to satisfy the guys. If they don’t do it, they are afraid that we will lose interest. It is a crazy world we have reached here by 2011

* Make sure she feels sexy all the time, and make sure to tell her that. Maybe add that lately you have had some erectile problems and that you are sure that you will get over them with time. Confidence is sexy and she will most likely respect this, maybe even help you over your little problem.

* If it’s a new girl, then don’t tell her about the excessive porn abuse. That might just sound to creepy for her in the beginning. Over time though, it is always a good thing to come clean!

5) To sum up. IMO and a least for me, I am sure that PORN is the PROBLEM and that PORN IS THE ONLY PROBLEM. It has screwed up my brain, but I am sure it is possible for me to get back to normal.

I will not live a life where I have to feel bad if I masturbate. It is ******* normal to masturbate and everyone else does it. However, they might do it differently than we have been used to and we need to learn that. We are not that different after all!

As said, it has now been a week without PMO, I will try to go on longer, and I will definably not go back to P. EVER! However, I am sure I won’t do total 60 days without M; that just doesn’t sounds healthy to me 🙂

I hear the 60 days number a lot in here, but I don’t get it. When would one know that everything is back to normal? If you are only allowed to have real sex, then it becomes impossible to stay single living like that 🙂

I wish everyone a good fight and keep it up all!

They said I could be anything…

I’m alive for 2 decades now and I never enjoyed sex. Because of that, I decided to change my routine to see if it works. I mean, from what I’ve read, porn addiction seems much stronger than what I feel. I could easily go without porn for a couple of days or so and it would never get in the way of my productive life. But I noticed that I could only orgasm with porn and masturbation.

I had only 3 sex experience in my life: one while I was 16 and it was a “one-night-stand” that I didn’t think she was attractive nor I was in the mood for it. I kinda did it because of friends pressure. It was awful and I didn’t feel any pleasure at all. The second time was when I turned 18 and I got a “birthday present”. Again, another awful experience. God, I felt disgusted (no need to mention that I felt no pleasure at all).

So far I knew I should think about those stuffs, I mean, I had sex and I didn’t enjoy it, but I also was in the zone where I couldn’t judge it for sure. None of those were a rewarded moment of something that I conquer or so, so I kept on with the thought that porn was just how I would release a natural need. But then I met a nice and beautiful girl, had a couple of dates and we ended up having sex. I can’t say I didn’t like it, because it was really good, but physically speaking I didn’t feel much pleasure during the sex. Because of this, in all experiences I got tired and/or bored and I lost my erection after ~40 min(first time) and almost 2 hours (the last time).

If it were up to me, I would just wait for a girl that doesn’t like sex either and settle for an asexual relationship, but I don’t think I can be that picky or else I’m gonna end up alone for sure.

So I decided to cut out porn (since last Saturday), but I didn’t know about this rebooting thing. I just thought that if I could cut out porn for good and break the masturbation routine and pattern I would make my brain understand that the particular way that I use to masturbate isn’t the only way to feel pleasure. Because I didn’t know about the program, I’ve been porn-free for 7 days now, but I thought it was ok to masturbate during this time. The first time was on monday (two days after I started), but I didn’t orgasm. The second one was wednesday (2+2) and I managed to finish after 1 hour and a half only thinking about the night that I had with that girl I mentioned. And yesterday I repeated the process.

Now, I’m willing to reduce drastically masturbation aswell, but one thing for sure is that I’m gonna beat up this 100 day-free of porn and I’m gonna restart the counter as of today.

I also would like to thank the community since it has a lot of information to help others.

Hello, im new to this forum, nice to meet you all, and i hope everyone gets over their ED. I’ll get straight to it, I have ED. I cannot maintain an erection without constant stimulation, however if i look at porn, I instantly get erect and it will stay without stimulation, hence I believe the problem is porn. Im 20 years old, and at university which is full of pussy I just want to fuck, but can’t and it is very stressful and can get me down alot. I have social anxiety, and dont feel like going out and mingling as much.

I have been checked up by the doctor also, my prolactin is high which can cause ED, which I am having checked again, however the fact that I can become erect through just looking at porn makes me believe Im healthy physically, plus I do get weak morning erections which is a sign of nothing wrong.

ED + premature ejaculation? Anyone been in the same boat?

So, as the title states. I seem to suffer from both ED and premature ejaculation. When I would begin to get it on with a lady once I had an erection I would ejaculate very quickly (like 10-15 sec). I’m on the nofap wagon to hopefully eliminate the ED but I’m not so sure about the premature ejaculation. When I did masturbate it would be bedtime so I would try to finish as quickly as possible so I could go to sleep. I think this coupled with nervousness with a girl is what is ultimately responsible for the premature ejaculation. Has anyone been through this before? Any advice besides knowing that the nervousness will subside as I become more comfortable with a partner?

37 years old and WTF is going on here!!??

 OK so here, from top to bottom is my situation. I am a 37 year old male that smokes a pack a day and drinks most weekends. I’m in fairly decent shape, and have all my blood work checked for issues. Everything came back fine, my testosterone was a couple clicks below perfect, but other than that A-OK.

I have been a once a day internet porn user for several years. I grew up when the first porn I could get my hands on was of the paper variety, but ever since I got my hands on a PC, internet porn has been where it’s at. I blew it with my EX-fiance because she hated porn and wanted me to stop. I blew off her requests because I told myself she was uptight. This woman was beautiful (I had no business being with this woman to begin with) and built great. I found myself being interested in sex with her less often as the time went by. I would occasionally not get hard for her, and it became a more regular thing to not get excited for actual sex.

During this time (and ever since) I could get hard with porn no problem. Well since then I have been really mental about the whole situation down there, which isn’t helping matters at all. It ends up being a terrible cycle of being stressed about it not working, and then it not working because I’m stressed. I got a prescription for Cialis and bought myself a few successful go’s since with misc girls.

I’ve never been a guy (since my teenage years) that was super jazzed about bagging miscellaneous ladies that I had no connection with at all. But now I am semi involved with a girl I really do care about and I can’t get ANYTHING going. I mean it’s just a semi at best. And this is during some very heavy duty shenanigans. I end up leaking pre cum like crazy and have blue balls that just about kill me, but not a hard-on that I’m willing to take out and show anyone. This has been driving me crazy lately, so I took 2 Cialis’ the last time we were going to get together and NOTHING! Now I’m absolutely panicked!

Hit rock bottom with my dark addiction of 13 years.

Stats General Stats:

Sex: M Age: 26 First Fap: 13 (estimate) Fapping Frequency: 1-6 times a day. ED?: Yup @ 25 Prescription: Cialis 20mg

Ok… this is more of a confessional than anything. This post is long, and I need it to be so I can be brutally honest with myself since I have never been about this topic to anyone. This is the most important thing to me right now. I’m 26, have a great career in big city in the US that’s pretty damn awesome and I’m not a bad looking guy who’s fairly outgoing. I’ve been fapping since 7th grade on a constant basis until 7/29/12 when I knew I hit rock bottom, which I’ll get to later. I was never able to keep an erection with my college girlfriend, but didn’t have a problem with fapping to porn. This caused a serious complex for myself. When my friends were all hitting on girls in the bars, I always had that fear of not being able to get it up. My obsession with porn continued through my early twenties. I got into a serious relationship around 24, and I could get an erection, but after a few minutes, it would disappear and I felt empty. It was the weirdest feeling ever; it felt like I was completely disconnected even though I had a more than willing girlfriend.

I went to a urologist and was diagnosed with ED for “performance anxiety”. I ended up spending hundreds of dollars on Cialis (20mg) and even to this day, I carry around an “in case I get lucky” pill with me. The Cialis worked great, but for some reason I couldn’t and still can’t have an orgasm during intercourse. The natural feeling of a woman to me is completely desensitized and that fact is super depressing, so I continued to fap. That relationship ended around this time last year and I haven’t had sex until recently. In that year, it feels like my porn view spiralled into a dark place. I was fapping not only before going to bed, but also when I woke up, and even sometimes weekend binge sessions. It a depressing fact that I have been just dealing with thinking that this is it, I’ve broken myself sexually and I’ll never have any type of normal level of intimacy.

About a month ago, I had a physical and got a full blood report back. My testosterone came back low enough for my doctor to put it under watch and I might possibly have to do Hormone Replacement Therapy. I’m trying to do everything possible to avoid this because once you start, you have to continue for life as it shuts down the body’s natural ability to produce testosterone (doctor’s words, btw is this true?). I don’t have the exact number of my Total and Free T levels, but I’m calling him tomorrow to get them. Before this, I was taking some supplements including a natural growth hormone for workout recovery. He has advised me to stop the growth hormone supplement so my body can set a baseline and we can see where I end up in 6 months.

Luckily over the last two weeks I’ve managed to become friendly with a very attractive girl and during our recently encounters, I experienced my defining moment for me to seek higher help. The first time we had sex, we were both super drunk (whiskey and beer) and I blamed my deflating erection on the booze. I was on a full dose of 20mg Cialis. This shouldn’t be happening. I freaked out, so I excused myself to the bathroom and took another 10mg. I’m 26 and I’m having to take 30mg of Cialis – my self-esteem at this point is almost to the breaking point. The next morning, my usual morning wood kicks in and we have sex a few times, but still no orgasm. I decide no PMO until I’m with her next. 7 days go by. Finally Day 7 hits and we’re suppose to hang out. I can’t help but be more than anxious so I edge all day thinking this how awesome that night is going to be. For the record, it wasn’t awesome, and edging was a horrible idea – I basically fried my dopamine pathway for the day with all the crazy porn.

Night finally comes and we’re drunk again off of whiskey and its sexy time, except I can’t keep it up, even with 20mg of Cialis. I hate life at this point. I hate everything. I want to punch the penis gods in the penis. Being naked and embarrassed for not being to accomplish a primal functions of life is one of the most heart breaking things I’ve been through. The next morning, the morning wood comes, but its not as strong as usual, especially being dosed with Cialis. This is my moment of rock bottom. I have a wickedly hot girl in my bed begging for sex, I’m sober, I’m on Cialis, and I can only perform for 5 minutes at a time with leads to no orgasm. It got good and she wants more, but my penis decides to go into a coma-like state. I want to jump off a cliff. I want a bionic dick transplant. I want out of the shackles of PMO. She leaves. I fap one last time… A single tear rolls down my cheek. This is the last time I will fap for a very long time I decided.

Tonight, I’ve been researching how to fix my T levels with daily doses of 50mg of Zinc. My thought process is if I can bring up my T levels to a ‘normal’ level, I’m sure I won’t have these issues anymore. My concept is a red herring after doing more research. I further investigate low testosterone levels and ED and porn. Finally, I ended up here and watched Your Brain on Porn. Everything is making sense finally. I’m not lost. There’s some type of a proven path. I just need to get over myself to make this a reality. I just need to put childish behavior aside so I can grow the fuck up and actually fuck correctly.

My rules for NoFap 90 day challenge: No porn – blocked home network with OpenDNS and blocked favorite pornsites in my hosts file No self orgasm No edging No sexy pics. No drugs

I’m going to continue to see this girl and continue the attempts to have sex. I know this sounds counter productive as I need a serious dopamine pathway reset, but having sex is the whole goal, right? I need to reprogram what should turn me on. Plus, she’s really hot and so enjoy it while you can right? I hope this doesn’t make it sound hedging here…

As for the Cialis… I’m on the fence. This doesn’t effect dopamine receptors to my knowledge so I might continue so I can actually attempt sex without too much embarrassment.

And of course, no more booze before sex (I won’t have an escape goat now though…).

Anyways, I got it all out – finally. This has been eating me alive. I was one more failed attempt to seeing a psychiatrist. Hopefully, NoFap will save my manhood and get me to real sexy time with my new lady friend in 90 days.

What’s the best way to document my progress? Keep posting here? Start a blog? Tumblr? Twitter? Smoke signals?

Best, ItsTimeForAChange26