Age 18 – 145-day streak…and now I’m struggling again


I am a compulsive addict of internet. It involves specially internet pornography. Also there was internet gaming, surfing a lot, social media and masturbation-with generally pornography-. I drank alcohol and smoking cigarettes sometimes but these was very little. I’m an 18 years old man now.

( Firstly, if my words doesn’t understand, please forgive me. Sorry for that. I’m working on it, I mean, I’m trying to improve my English but PMO doesn’t help me. I hope, I tell my story correctly and directly. In other words, I want to transfer my thoughts appropriately. )   I am a final year student.

               In my childhood was great, like a lot of people. I was getting good marks, I was enjoying with my life, there was strong structural bridge between my friends and family, good leadership, brilliant etc. ( I’m not telling this for my EGO, if I say  the situation I am in, you will understand much better about negative effects of pornography. Because it ruined me, destroyed my life, but I am responsible for that, right?) First of all, I was a child and human. I had spirit. I had no idea about social anxiety and other psychiatric disorders. I had not concentration problems, like ADD/ADHD( This is interested about  medical terminology, isn’t it?) I was loving the life. My memory and learning abilities were in a good level. What about brain fog? No, I did not know this as well, I’m learning this nowadays. I could take good risks. I was more social. I had hobbies like chess,reading books, hang out with friends, some sport activities, et cetera. I was getting religious education by my parents and muslim preachers. But I always like science and philosophy. ( And then I was an atheist, but this is irrelevant .)

             I’m living country of Turkey. Both the education system and life here are really difficult. I think, people in living in America and Europe are more lucky. They have got more opportunities. Today  Turkey, and together with South Korea , has the most unhappy students of the world for OECD reports.

I don’t want tell about difficult,theoretical lessons. I mean, if you play a game in world, you are playing that game in ‘’Easy Mode’’ in America, and you are playing the game in ‘’Hard Mode’’. Of course this is changeable for every person and every stiuation and opportunities.

I don’t want to bother you with my long sentences. I was born in 9 July,1998. I didn’t have a computer in my childhood. And I was wondering about how is the computer and playing games with it. I still remember clearly, my parents have bought a desktop PC for me in 25 June 2009. And pleasure it gave me was magnificent. I was so happy. I don’t have a rich family guys, but overtime I understand that the only parameter to be happy is not money. Usually, I was starting to use the computer for unnecessary things like online games, porn and masturbation. I remember that: I discovered first time internet porn in 2010. There is, me and my friends were like this monkey:

                I’m directly addicted, by the way. And then I have discovered masturbation. I thought it was a great thing at those times like every foolish teenagers. Frequency was changing. But, I remember that I made 5 times, maybe got 6. And then, my academic performance began to fall. Suddenly my social skills began to disappear. Yes, maybe I still had something, but I was feeling insufficient and worthless. It was the first time, my self-esteem and self-confidence has fallen so much. I was feeling terrible. In my early adolescence, I was started to playing online games all night. I was unhappy. I was addicted, my parents warned me for internet using but I did not take them, I was out of control. Then I passed middle School. I hated my class teacher, because she was a really dictator. Yes, maybe I could have been in aggressive behaviour, but I could not get support from anyone, including my parents and school’s guidance&councelling service. She always frightened me with disciplinary punishment. My family focused only on the consequences, I mean, my grades of school lessons. But I was trapped with my addicted, adolescent brain. My health was not very good compared to a 12 year old child. I was feeling very awful. The kid, have awesome life has gone, a ghost ( or zombie, what you called  whatever instead for that.) came instead. The kid was me, in reality but I knew that isn’t me really.

                I could not perceive as well as before, my childhood. I had to work a lot more than before to understand a piece of information. But my life motivation was gone.

Anyway, I passed High School. This time I wanted to do something different. The first year did not go as I wanted. Some friends said that : ‘’ You are working hard, why you can’t get more high marks in exams?’’. At that time I was not quite sure of the answer to this question. But as time went on I became aware of this situation: Pornography makes me inactive, passive towards life. And then, I have researched on the internet about this subject, causes and solutions. I have visited and read, watched some TEDx Talks and any videos about this problem and discovered reddit nofap SubReddit and forums like RebootNation,nofap.comThere are so many strangers trying to help each other here, actually this means humanity succeeds with all people, together. And then, I have tried to do nofap. I have lost lots of times. In 2014 Summer, my PMO frequency, decreased to compare before. I was very close to achieving. When I passed second grade, I had 145 days streak. Locks of life, began to unlock. My concentration level improved, I had higher level of motivation, I started to enjoy life again, I decided to make good and rationally for the future, my grades improved, the girls and my friends started to pay more attention to me and to respect me more. I was reacting for some things spontaneously, I was perceiving quickly, and answering in that time. I was reading books more concentrated. I was feeling my emotions and smiling more comfortable,  and it was the best gain, I think. Specially there was a girl, I was pleasuring to incredibly to talk to her, it was awesome.

                   And then, I have lost my control after 5 months and I have PMO’d over 7 hours, all night with DE. And then, next day I had to go school, courses and exams. I spent the day like a zombie. Some girls said that : ‘’What’s wrong with him, or What happened to you?’’ Of course I knew what happened to me, but I couldn’t say anything about my situation. That day, I saved at the last moment to stay under a bus. It was arguably the worst day of my life. Well, how could I survive? I don’t know. I was rejected by a girl after.  I did not talk about this subject any people, just one person knew that: My cousin. Other people, did not know I was an addict. He was my nofap partner. We close to him as a vision of life. We talk everything  with him, about porn addiction, our history and story, causes,symptoms and solutions what we can do etc… And he gave me quite a lot of support in this situation. There are not many support groups in my country I live in, but I would like it to be, it could help me.

                   I told you about how I relapsed. Just know and remember that : ‘’A relapse, is now a relapse.’’ There is no last time. Always urge will come back, if you don’t quit now,  then,you can quit more harder. ‘’One last time’’ opinion is a sickly thought. Do not maket his mistake. I stayed in major depression for 2 years or maybe more after. I started to thinking suicide. Porn was making me stressful person and changing my brain negatively. Here, some numbers of my life:

9 July, 1998   ————>>>>    1 January, 2010
( I was born at this time.) —>      ( Approximately I started to PMO) 
It means = for 4195 days =/ ~ 11 years and 6 months I was clean.

9 July, 1998   ———–>>>>>  9 May, 2017
( I was born.)                             ( I am here now.)

= 18 years and 10 months = 6880 days.

2685 days —->>>>> The period of dependency/of my addiction.

1 August, 2014 ————–>>>>>>>>>>  9 May, 2017
(The number of days I would have reached if I left the first nofap initiative)
=1013 days.

Let’s go back to the subject, I went to the psychiatry clinic. I have visited different doctors and they gave me different medicines/drugs or Antidepressants. I told them about my pornography addiction but they couldn’t understand me clearly. I think porn is a new addiction.  I have used Prozac, Lustral( SSRI), Abilify( Aripiprazole), Lamictal( Lamotrigine), etc… None of them did not work. Sports and exercise was more helping me. And then, I decided that: I quit this antidepressants with doctor control.

I got the news that my nephew was born when I was very depressed. I couldn’t be happy. I was always in deep sorrow. I think  all of this is the effect of pornography. What a shame and pain, isn’t it?

If I had committed suicide, everything would be done at that point. My story would have been finished at that point. I said that myself: ‘’ My story doesn’t end at this point.’’ But after that, I can’t worry about the past. I can only change the day I live and the future depending on it. Tomorrow can be different day.

I am alive despite everything and I am lucky to be alive. I like so much this quote: ‘’ If you are stil breathing, there is a hope.’’ I stil have a hope, and I am determined ton ever give up. I’m going to put off the computer and keep forward for real life.

Nowadays, I’m graduating  from high school. Despite everything, life is beautiful and worth living.

When you fall down, you must to find a way to wake up.
Never give up, best wishes and regards dear fapstronauts and rebooters.

Thank you.

LINK – Today, is my 6880th. day of my life. Here is my story and some numbers

By Alexander Mahone