I used to look at people who made it 300+ days as sort of mythical, they didn’t seem real to me. But now that I’m here, I realize that I wasn’t real, that I was the one living in the world of fantasy, in a world where nothing mattered and life was light and insignificant.
I’m having one of those moments in my life where I’m looking back at all the progress I’ve made, and I seriously can’t believe it. It seems like it was yesterday that I was in my bed trying to force myself to sleep to make it one more day. It seems like yesterday that I would look at images of sexy clothed women, convince myself that that didn’t equate pornography, and slowly let that evolve while my heartbeat quickened, as I shook with uncontrollable desire, and afterwards in that crystallizing moment post orgasm, I would be laying there, realizing I cheated myself, lied to myself, gave in to myself.
I’m very lucky. I was able to beat porn at a young age (I’ve recently turned 18, but began when I was 17). Not only am I lucky for that, for having a substantial amount of life ahead of me after beating this, I found my very first love while being free of porn and was able to be intimate and close and passionate with another person for the first time. That would have never been possible before. Porn numbed me before, destroying any chance I had of being able to give love and be compassionate and intimate. I think I’m finally experiencing life guys, I know that probably sounds corny as hell, but after years of feeling like nothing mattered, like I cared about nothing, like I couldn’t enjoy anything, i think I’m finally moving on. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel numb sometimes. I did not trade one fantasy for another. Life still sucks at times, I still get anxiety attacks that may or may not be linked to porn, but honestly, overall I’m the happiest I’ve been since childhood when it took a lot less to be happy.
For the people who are still struggling with this just remember, there are ways out. There are feelings tenfold greater than the moment of false happiness that we have when we watch porn. There are ways to gain control, there is love yet to be had and love you already have, you’ve just got to believe it’s there. Even if you feel as if you’re faking it, whatever gets you through the night. Stay strong, and if any of you guys need someone to message, if any of you guys need an accountability partner, I’m here. I know I’m a stranger but if you don’t feel comfortable telling the people in your life, which I greatly encourage you guys to do, I understand.
Keep going strong