I had never expected to write a post, but after visiting NoFap’s subreddit myself–with the encouragement of my boyfriend to also write the post–I decided to share my experience in hopes of reaching out to those who are experiencing a hard time. I’m 19 and just a girl with a huge love for video games.
I sincerely hope that my story can act as a catalyst to your motivation to continue this journey.
Before I met my boyfriend, I regularly engaged in PMO, almost 4+ times a day (although it was very inconsistent). Female masturbation is not discussed nor acknowledged as a prevalent topic, but it has become a rising subject. It is not primarily spoken about in comparison to male masturbation; recently however, women have been widely encouraged to sexually ‘explore’ their own bodies.
I remember exploring my own body very early, being very cautious about porn. Eventually, I ventured into porn, becoming fascinated with the sexual acts that porn exaggerated.
It had never occurred to me that I might be addicted to masturbation, nor did I have the slightest thought or clue that I might be obsessed with porn.
I was very open about my sexuality and porn. I often shared my porn tendencies because most of my male friends drew relevance to it. I took and projected my sexual wants and needs from porn, something I wouldn’t come to realize until a few years later.
This lead me into a series of toxic relationships. Soon, I became entrapped in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship of almost two years. My sexual life was a projection of the inflated pornographic exhibitions I was viewing. My sex life was still lacking, and so I was drawn to porn. Even so, I would and could not account the whole relationship being as it was to my porn obsession. Correlation between two things is never a definite cause-and-effect, but I do connect the lines between my porn obsession to my depression, anxiety, lack of self-esteem, acne, and motivation.
Even when I ended my toxic relationship, I sustained PMO and found myself re-engaging in the familiar cycle of depression, anxiety, and failure.
It was after one night of procrastination that I met my current boyfriend. We met in solo queue of LoL, after coincidently being queued together twice. At first, we spoke here and there, inviting one another to rank up. I enjoyed his accent (he’s French Canadian), but we were complete strangers other than that. I came crying to him one night, spilling details of my life I had never told anyone before. And he listened. He gave me advice. I’d cry, but we’d laugh soon after. It was like a switch after that. We just clicked. Same humor, same love and competitiveness for videogames; it was as if we were almost the same person but also incredibly different in every way that was right. It wasn’t long before he introduced me to NoFap. I had been the first he’d tell, and the first to partner up with him on his journey. As first, I was incredibly intrigued. I was fascinated by the idea that we had all been so wrong about the health benefits of masturbation. Excited, I joined A in his pursue of NoFap without hesitation. I remember turning on the coldest temperature for my shower that day; it felt invigorating. I loved it.
Little did I know, A would come see me shortly after we’d connected, twice from Canada. His third visit is in 6 days, and we’re headed to the NA LCS Finals in Boston! What’s even more exhilarating is that he’s chosen to move to the US to be together. It’s crazy how I went from barely seeing a life past 20 a few years ago and being in a long-term abusive relationship to envisioning a career for myself while being in a healthy, motivating relationship that promotes self-growth. I can’t say that NoFap itself did everything for me, but NoFap and A did change my life. But it wasn’t all good. The first week or so went by quickly; I was so proud. I felt wonderful. I told myself that it would be easy.
And then I relapsed.
I felt rotten—both because I had relapsed, but more so that I genuinely felt shitty. I was depressed again; my attitude and motivation plummeted. I was cranky and my emotions went haywire. It was then that I realized I needed to continue with NoFap.
But I kept relapsing.
I stopped my cold showers. The third time had been the worst. I binge-watched porn and PMO’d at least 6+ times that day. I felt incredibly guilty. I wanted to give up. I told myself that I had originally done it for my boyfriend so there was no need to continue myself. But I knew otherwise. A has surpassed the 90-day mark, reaching his 120th day! He had told me that I could make my own decisions regarding NoFap so I didn’t have to keep going. But we both knew that NoFap benefitted our lives more than anything.
So I treaded on. It’s been my longest streak yet, since July 8th! The urges come and go, but it has gotten easier. I can look back and recognize that I did have a porn addiction and that it had been a problem. I could go on and on about what NoFap has done for me, but to sum it up, NoFap gave me a future I could finally envision.
So if you feel like relapsing, if you feel like it’s not possible and out of your breach, or if you just haven’t wrapped your head around NoFap yet—please consider my story. If I can do it, if A can, you can too. Don’t be ashamed of your relapses, they are steps towards your progress. You got this.