Some of the information I’ll provide may seem trivial or even irrelevant (please feel free to skim it for what you want), but hopefully in its totality, it will lead to a more personal and detailed representation of who I am, what I stand for, and why I’m doing NoFap.
Although my story and journey can only objectively pertain to me, I hope I can offer hope to someone who may have lost all of theirs. I’ve certainty lost mine plenty of times. I can’t say I gained any so called super powers. I can’t say my life magically got better. And no, I can’t say I make girls drop to there knees from a single glance. But, I most certainly can say that I’m one step closer to the person I’ve always wanted to be.
- I’m a 19 year-old male who is a neuroscience major and a junior in college.
- I have moderate-severe ADHD (decided to go on vyvanse on a regular basis recently since the symptoms became too much to deal with in a college setting).
- Have dealt with severe social, speaking, and general anxiety in the past. Currently my anxiety is just triggered by extremely stressful situations, an episode of depression, or specific settings I’m not fully comfortable with.
- Have had episodes of severe depression. The most recent of which lasted from September-early March
- Currently on a gap semester trying to finally sort everything out after a severe episode of depression, anxiety, and the general want to get past most of my past problems before I truly start moving forward
- Heavy drinker when depressed, otherwise will only drink socially.
- On and off smoker(however decided to quit for good and I’m almost at a full month at the moment)
- Occasional recreational drug user(pain killers, weed, and psychedelics)
- Do not drink any sort of soda(quit 4 months ago)
- Drinks coffee on and off(only strong, black, and Turkish)
- Physically: very healthy and active
- Hair and looks: two-thumbs up
- Vegetarian for last 3 years due to ethical and environmental reasons. I avoid processed foods and try to cook almost all my meals with fresh ingredients.
- Belief system: Anarcho-individualist with strong capitalist leanings(muh Rothbard)
- Religion: Jesusist who is an agnostic-theist(I believe everyone is agnostic at the core) who agrees with a lot of Buddhist teachings. Much more spiritual than religious.
- Have been meditating very regularly for the last 5-6 years.
- Listen to about anything musically, but favorites include NMH, Pixies, Mac DeMarco, Paul Simon, Sly and the Family Stone, Pavement, The Magnetic Fields, Charles Mingus, and Fantasy Rainbow(http://www.last.fm/user/Greatestmusic95 probably irrelevant to all of this, but why not)
- Favorite literary movements include Beatnik, New York school, and Dirty Realism. Favorite novel and author is Post Office by Charles Bukowski.
- Started PMO at the ripe age of 11
- Began PMO’ing habitually almost immediately
- Started PMO’ing 1-3 times a day, slowly progressed to 2-5 times a day, and finally peaked at 4-10 times a day in the last few years.
- My record for a day is most likely something over 15
- Masturbated about 12,000-15,000 times in my life based on my calculations
- I’ve been aware I have a problem with PMO pretty soon after I started PMO’ing.
- Would attempt about 10-20 times a year to quit PMO from ages 11-14
- Would attempt about 5-10 times a year to quit PMO from ages 15-17(attributing the drop due to learning about how common PMO is)
- I can’t pinpoint a number amount for the past 2 years, but I had been constantly alternating between attempting NoFap, relapsing, losing hope, back to old way, hitting some sort of bottom, and then attempting NoFap once again.
Things that helped me stop PMO
- A close friend to talk to about all of this
- Don’t get to tied into arbitrary milestones, even though it feels pretty good when you hit them
- Realize that only you can only really quit any addiction if you’re doing it for YOU
Problems I’ve encountered due to NoFap:
- Ungodly urges to fap from time to time. We’re testosterone driven creatures, c’est la vie
- Too many boxes of tissues I don’t need
- Too much time on my hands
Benefits I’ve experienced due to NoFap:
- Although I was irritable, more depressed, and anxious at first(14-21 days), my current baseline is definitely better than it used to be(muh dopamine).
- Not feeling the shame of constantly making love to your hand while watching strangers getting off. Every. Single. Day.
- Being a little bit closer to having full control over my actions, feelings, and life. PMO was truly an addiction I’m grateful to finally have almost conquered(I don’t think anyone will ever be 100% there). Quitting cigarettes was a cake walk compared to this. Going on opiate binges that would last a 1-2 weeks and walking away and taking a break was a straight up joke compared to this. Eight long years, but I think I’m finally here.
- Random boners are back for the first time in quite a while. I should note that my libido has always been extremely high and maintaining a boner has never been a serious problem.
- Mentally I feel clearer. I would feel so drained after a heavy and long PMO session. A session could last 6+ hours.
How I followed NoFap and things that I’ve learned in regards to it:
For the first 30 or so days I made a blatant effort to avoid any sort of sexual content. Even fully clothed women who in no shape or form were being sexualized. This means I avoided certain boards on 4chan, Facebook pictures, and basically anything too visually appealing. After about 30 days, I realized that blatant avoidance isn’t a long-term solution. While I didn’t seek out pornography, sexually pleasing photos, or stuff in that general vicinity, I didn’t make the same kind of effort to avoid such things at all cost. Stumbling upon something you find appealing on the internet and in real life is bound to happen, but don’t believe you’ve reset or lost any sort of progress when, not if you do. The point where you feel comfortable seeing something sexual and just moving on will obviously vary from person to person, but a vital part to a full recovery.
Now, edging. What I did, I wouldn’t classify as edging. After 30+ days I decided to occasionally test my erection, obviously porn free and no fantasizing. This would consist of about a few gooood nudges for never more than a few gooood seconds. Obviously, I wouldn’t recommend this to someone who feels like it would lead to full blown masturbation. However it is quite satisfying conquering the mental aspect of it all and being able to see where you are at with your erection.
Another talked about subject I’ve seen is wet dreams. If I recall correctly I’ve had 5 wet dreams in the last 100 days. All of them have been triggered by me being in a lucid dream, decided to have sex, and then waking up to a pair of shorts with some of the biggest loads of my life. While I haven’t experienced any setbacks due to this, I have read about people feeling as if they’ve relapsed, and even giving up on a current streak due to this. Your body is designed to unload a load every once in a while, don’t let a natural bodily function setback the mainly psychological nature of NoFap. A perceived setback shouldn’t set back all the effort you’ve put up to that point.
How did I quit PMO for good?
Honestly, quitting PMO was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life. Not that this current streak was the most difficult I’ve ever done, but 8+ years of struggling with this, and finally conquering it certainly is. It’s my opinion that the only way anyone can truly quit is because of you and not letting a setback set you back completely back. Don’t let well-intentioned posts on this board deceive you. NoFap isn’t really an all or nothing journey, set backs will happen. I’ve failed 100s of times till I got here and I never dreamt that I would be here.
Future Plans and Final Words:
Although this isn’t directly about NoFap, it’s about self-improvement. Don’t be deceived and think progress and improvement is linear. Everyone is bound to have setbacks in life. And in regards to NoFap, view a relapse as a setback. A relapse is nothing more than a setback unless you let it be something more than that. One mistake isn’t an excuse for another and another, and so on. Weren’t the collective moments leading to the slip-up better than when a slip-up was just apart of your daily routine? If not, maybe NoFap isn’t for you. But if those moments were, keep pushing forward. A few steps forward for a step back, is still progress. I truly wish all of you the best and hope someday everyone of you will reach what you’re aiming for.