From the terrible young age of seven I had my first encounter with pornography. I remember sneaking down early in the morning when everyone was still sleeping, to type in exciting things in google and got to click all these different sites which excited me greatly. I discovered masturbation months after I started watching porn.
I was never able to experience anything embodied with my sexuality without porn having to do anything with it. My view of sex was set. So to speak I wasn’t rewired, but wired with by the effects of porn.
The time I entered high school, at Age 11, I was greatly addicted. Every year withdrawal effects became worse. I wasn’t able to connect with girls of my age, humans in overall, nature and animals. I Felt the great pain of diminishing myself and self-hate. Numbing out on somewhat every feeling other than the excitement I felt when I opened my computer. My bedroom was a mine field of napkins used to clean my ejaculations. Preformed bad at school. All my energy was spent on this one thing. Everywhere every moment it was on my mind. Which girl, video, category I was going to watch when I got back home. I was in great pain.
At the age of 17 It all changed. I stumbled on an article about a man who quitted porn and excessive masturbation as a result of having all this great sexual experiences himself. I didn’t understand it then, but it was the beginning of my awakening, my reborn, myself development, the reclaiming of myself. The biggest struggle of my life.
I struggled, all the feelings I had numbed out for almost all my life, came raining down on me, well not just rain… a hurricane of shit. I cried, I screamed, felt depressed. Extreme horniness kept me awake late at night and made me curl and twist in my bed. But I held on to this idea that I deserved something better. The more I failed the more insight and knowledge I got from what had lead me to relapse.
Two weeks after another relapse I met a girl and we started to date. My life blossomed open into love I gained from this amazing intimate relationship. I never watched pornography or masturbated since then. I struggled with my personality and being myself and the remains of anxiously that I had gained from pornography to be in highly social environments, like school.
It has now been over two years since I desperately told myself that this would be the last time, this is the time I would beat my addiction and claim the life I had the right to and was supposed to be having! I went to discover another culture as an exchange student for one year. I have reclaimed and found myself a sensitive, joyful and an aware man. Talked to amazing people who listened to my story and mentored me, learned myself to play a variety of instruments, became physically healthy, gave blankets to homeless people with money I gathered from friends and family, got to explore myself and continue till this day to give my service and gifts to the world.
LINK – Offer of my help to you and my story after 700 Days