Since it is a very good time of the year to start new resolutions, I wanted to share with you how my journey has been:
First and foremost: I am 19 years old. I started my attempts of no PMO when I was 13, I relapsed at different stages: 1 month, 2, 4 and even 9!
My successful attempt was in 2014 when I finally was able to take control of myself on hard mode no PMO. I am a Muslim and some people call me conservative because I practice my religion. Anyway, I believe in no sex before marriage, and the reasons why I am on hard more range from religious to personal to social. I lived all my life in a muslim majority country but now I am in Canada since August 2015.
So first, I challenge myself, with a great rush for change and said that I am gonna change completely my life and I felt full of willpower and strength. This state lasted less than a week for me. Then my brain realized what I was trying to take away from him, and it reacted aggressively, giving me urges and thoughts sometimes so intense I felt like my life depended on PMO, usually this is where I relapsed. so basically no more than 3 weeks.
Then comes the first no PMO month where I felt full of self control and the benefits were apparent: I knew I was able to control myself to the point I got to one month. As my self confidence increased, so the emotions I was hiding throughout my addiction, sometimes I felt angry for no reason, sometimes I cried, sometimes I was overjoyed. I still remember how it felt to be in the 2nd month with very negative and bad thoughts then very good « i can do it » kind of feelings.
Everything seemed to be okay in the very 3rd month; the 90 days completed I was at the top of my recovery. The negative voices were still there but it now on turn out to be a different speech, it told me that I was able to watch TV shows and movies with naked/love scenes and be strong enough to not masturbate, it told me that « Everybody does it at least! »
Arriving to 100 days, life was different, because all the supposed amazing changes I had to have in my life were already a part of myself, and since then it was the beginning of a new phase, a very slow processed phase were urges came very very slowly and at different moments, it’s no more the « I can’t live without it » urges, these were very different ones very subtle and sometimes hurtful, because they always came with life questioning thoughts. Like: I am in class and I see someone who seem like a very perseverant student and I start comparing myself and thoughts came like « you wasted all your teenage with PMO, look at yourself! You’ll never be able to bring back that wasted time again, you better go masturbate instead, because that’s all you do good anyway. »
And because this was very present, I had moments were I went back to porn (without M). Slowly but surely my mind was putting all the possible arguments and reasons for me to masturbate. I remember one week, my life was a mess and I have had all the excuses to possibly masturbate, but I didn’t, and I can tell you, those are the moments were I felt better way after.
I wish I could tell you that it all went good from then, but life is a struggle right? The more stressful my life got the louder were the voices inside my head. but then it went away after one year. All those « go masturbate » voices became so weak that now I can firmly say that I won’t masturbate again.
Now, honestly I became used to all the 90 days changes, that I can barely remember how it feels to masturbate and orgasm. Of course wet dreams are here but life had shifted in another direction for me, but I still cannot say that my PMO addiction ended, because it had 4 layers:
- Starring: I have a staring habit and I know it all started from there. I am getting over it since the beginning of this year.
- Masturbation and Orgasm: Over it since Jan 19th 2015
- Porn: Over it since March 19th 2015
- Webcam sex: in recovery since March 19th 2015
As I said in my last story, my addiction to webcam sex began 2 years after porn, and something very strong came in and it is called advantage addiction. I was desired and my body was attractive to some random strangers who wanted to masturbate in front of it. I’ve never been in a relationship and being desired suddenly like that was blinding for me. I was addicted to porn, now I felt like a part of it. And in case you’re wondering how come I didn’t masturbate, it is because the urge of masturbating for me was already mastered, but just to show myself all naked was a dopamine rush.
I can say that I went through the same stages as my masturbation and porn addiction: at first I felt like the strongest, but then other voices came in during those past few months, and I discovered my purpose: working and taking action against those constant doubts and feelings and unworthiness, always proving to myself that I am only defined by those voices if I decide to follow them, otherwise they only stand still and get weaker in my head. Now I am very close to one year of no webcam sex, but at the same time I realized something else: it all started with my staring habit, and this is what I am working on for this New Year. No more Psubs, no more watching music videos, no more movies with sex scenes, no more staring at random girls, or at least not deliberately. This is my new challenge, this is my next level.
My advice for you is not to fool yourself by thinking that your life will be all new and free of inner problems once you learn how to control yourself. At the end of the day, we’re all humans with unsatisfied egos who always crave for more and life is an ever ending growing process. Also, moments of doubts and relapses are part of the process, just don’t give up! If you feel like you’re out of control that means that somewhere there is pain and you need to listen to yourself and find out where is the source of the pain. I remember when I was recovering from porn; I noticed that love was a very important tool for recovery so I asked all my family, directly, to start expressing verbally their love for me, and so I did for them also. Take action but still don’t be so harsh on yourself.
I invite you to reach out to me whenever you want with any questions you have. I know how hard it is and how lonely it feels sometimes, and you don’t have to go through this by yourself!
Note: These are my own reflections and thoughts on my journey so far. What I said is just a reflection on my personal journey.
LINK – Nearly 2 years of freedom