I’m going to say a few things regarding my porn and video game addiction. I believe that every time we relapse it is because we decided our reason for quitting wasn’t good enough. Every little decision shapes our minds literally.
This, I know this applies to everyone. I’ve seen a quote on the internet along the lines of ‘the wolf that you feed is the wolf that wins.’
I was home-schooled up to 8th grade. I used to be addicted to reading (yeah I know, unusual right?) until I discovered video games. I used to play video games from the age of 10ish-11 to the age of 18. My time was divided between playing outside, school and video games. I began spending my hard earned money to build kick ass PCs just for gaming. I built my first computer when I was 12. For you nerds it had a Core 2 Duo E8400 and a ATI 2600 or something. It also had a Creative sound card too so you know it was the shit at the time :). I sold that and made more money to make a better PC resulting in me wasting thousands of my dollars on just gaming before I turned 16…
When I was 7 I also saw porn for the the first time. I had no idea what it was and because the way I was raised I knew it was wrong but I still wanted to see more. I never knew of jackin’ it until I was 14 which is when the I became engrossed by PMO. Than fill in the blank with typical porn addiction spiral. You know like never getting enough, thinking about your next wack sesh and becoming less and less interested in anything else at all. As I got older I would play games for an hour…than hours…than hours + a couple more. I couldn’t get enough. I wanted to be one of those spec ops soldiers and games gave me that. The combination of video games and porn stunted my social and mental development.
By the time I entered High school I was a bit over the top or wild I guess but also socially timid cause of social anxiety. Made a couple of close friends. One of them I told about my porn problem and the other I didn’t. I didn’t tell that other guy (who is my best friend) about my problem because I am like an older brother to him and I know for a fact he would never watch that shit. He is straight as an arrow morally and mentally and I wouldn’t want him to think that he is crazy for not doing it.
I am athletic and played sports in HS but my aggression was drained by PMO. I enjoy playing sports but I love Rugby…holy shit go play it sometime. Academically I was a little more than mediocre. My time after school was spent playing video games into the early AM and finishing it with some PMO…. My school was very Catholic and cared about what they guys did outside of school. My advisor talked to me about porn and told me that every time I watch, its like struggling with a constrictor wrapped around your body. If you don’t escape it soon enough it will begin to suffocate you than crush you. I thought about it pretty seriously than in my mind I said “fuck off this shit is amazing”….
I continued this unsustainable lifestyle of gaming, porn, sports and school. I was “laid-back” as people put it but really i was very depressed through HS. I thought “man I’m so depressed because I’m at a school I never wanted to be at, because I am a joke to people and I am not a smart as i thought I was.” I wasn’t as smart as a lot of the guys at my school. Hell one of the seniors invented a new way of solving math problems that Ivy league schools are now using and it was published by the Princeton review!
No, my problem thinking like a victim, not getting enough sleep, PMO’ing and playing video games which at this point I would play for 5 hours at least at a time and PMO’ing right after on a daily basis. Video games give you a damn high dopamine rush and my brain began to be super desensitized to it.
Before I graduated I began seeing that I was getting less and less turned on even by porn… I had no idea what was causing this. I graduate and take full stock of my life. Now realizing I had done some cool stuff and accomplished a thing two. My only problem was inside my head. I have very high expectations for myself and decided to start living them by making the hard decisions instead of the easy ones. I decide to make a plan to de-activate all the bad habits I had formed with years of bad decisions.
I took a gap year off to work and save money to move away. I sold my computer, bought a tablet and a one-way ticket really really far away from home. I moved from home because it was a minefield of mental triggers for PMO, gaming and depression. BTW all those things are just symptoms of living in a pretty negative home which I decided to deal with by forming stupid habits/addiction instead of facing my problems. I had left my attitude of being a victim behind. My first real step in making progress to improving myself.
A little before I sold my PC I became very intent on quitting porn because I learned about Your Brain On Porn and realized I have PIED…Damn that hurt. This fact became even more obvious when I could barely get it up when I got with a girl. Pretty humiliating but I tried not to get down about it because I knew that I can fix myself.
First streak around 21 days. 2nd about 28 days. 3rd about 10. 4th now on day 82 or so. I have been in a flatline for 95% of this time. My drive is very slowly returning but I know the only way out of this is forward. I am slowly seeing these so called super powers. By the way these so called superpowers aren’t that at all. If someone had lead poisoning and was really sick and suddenly got rid of it he wouldn’t say he got super powers… It is just the way we are supposed to be. Fucking take back what you lost. YOU lost it, not somebody else.
I’ll be brief about the changes I have seen from quitting porn.
- More confidence.
- Way less social anxiety.
- Better conversationalist.
- Less Brain fog.
- Beginning to be more focused.
- More outgoing.
- Better with women in general and a desire to interact with them.
- I see women as humans instead of objects.
- I can now connect a little better with people.
- My skin is very clear.
- More happier face.
- And yes people girls are gravitating toward me a bit more.
Sometimes I doubt why I am doing this but I remind myself I want to be whole again-not somebody who dreads to got to parties, doesn’t stand up for himself and feels dead inside like there is nothing worth dying for. However there was one day where I was just happy do be alive, everything was beautiful and I was enjoying the smallest of things and I realized all this effort is worth experiencing one of those kinds of days.
Moving has helped me avoid many triggers. Quitting gaming has been very healthy for me and freed up so much of my time to actually do things and quitting porn has given me the drive to fill up all this wasted time. I am 19 now and look back and realize how much it would have benefited me to take my head out of my ass and listen to my advisor when he told me how porn was bad 3 years ago. But than again I am really glad I started as early as I did.
I am now feeding the wolf that I want to win. The one that makes makes difficult decisions. The side of me that is badass, disciplined and worthy of respect. The one that Spartans fed and the one the SEALs feed. (Not putting myself on their level but I will be there.)The one that successful people feed. Everyday I DO something that I don’t really fell like doing. With everyday I know that I am slowly making different paths in my brain stronger.
Even if you do relapse you got to keep strengthening your will power by denying your instincts or apathy. Eventually you will be strong enough so you don’t loose footing when the strongest of urges rushes over you. Find a reason for doing this. Something that you desire no matter how you feel. A guy I know who went through BUD/s training said told me that ‘anybody can make it through hell week. You just got to want it’ Start now. Don’t be a victim. Go through your day a decision at a time. The harder it gets the better, because thats simply an opportunity to become stronger.
Jeez I motivated myself when I was proof reading this haha.